For most of my life my parents have insisted that they would figure out their retirement situation for when they need elder care. Whether it be putting a down payment on a special care facility, or assisted living or a senior community - I was told "we don't want you to stress out about this."
Fast forward to the last few years, I am getting pressure from my mother frequently (and especially the last year, on a near daily basis) to come live with me. Especially once my father passes. They are in their very late 70s (I am 38) and I'm not sure what to do in this situation. I've discovered that no, they have not put down any down payments. And I feel very lied to.
The relationship I have with my mother is incredibly strained, and I know already that I do not have the patience nor disposition to take care of her especially as dementia runs in our family and I have been seeing it worsen in her monthly. She has family out of state and lost brothers and sisters to Alzheimer's. Her nephews (sons of her siblings) have all quit their jobs to take care of their parents, and I think she sees this as something I will be doing too. I, however, did not have a positive nor nurturing relationship with my mother in the same way as my cousins, and was encouraged from a young age to throw myself into work.
I work full time at home for a very stressful and demanding profession. My husband and I are very lucky to own a home that has a guest room in it (though it is upstairs, which means we'd have to rearrange the whole house for them to stay on the bottom floor as my office is downstairs). I am not worried about lack of space, but lack of sanity and my inability to be able to work and care for someone 24/7 whom I already have an incredibly difficult relationship with.
I don't know how to have this conversation with her over and over again. My father has his full faculties, and I'm not sure if he's teasing her about building a granny flat in our back yard or teasing ME about doing so. I try and encourage them to get care at a facility near my home, which they say they've visited, but that's about all.
Personally I feel that my mother would be happiest in a care facility near where all her nieces and nephews and siblings and cousins live, in a different state. Namely so she could be surrounded by family. I would absolutely see her if she were in assisted living by me as well, but I don't think it'd be as beneficial as one near all her relatives who'd be able to visit more than once a week. But I can't speak for her. She seems so determined to live here in my home.
I don't know how to have this conversation. And I know I'll have to continue having it, but I don't know what to say. I've spoken to them before about how us living together would probably be a bad idea, about all the assisted living in the area etc. But I still have to keep coming back to this. I grew up in a household where I was told if I were disagreeable then I was "disrespectful" and then screamed at. I already have a hard time as it is setting boundaries, and I am lost. I love my mother, but the guilt surrounding everything makes this whole situation painful. I have incredible empathy for her situation and her anxiety over the future, but I also know what I can and cannot emotionally handle due to my own depression and anxiety (and heavy workload too). Please help.
Ask your husband to be with you when you inform them that they won’t be moving in with you. The two of you need to be a united front. It won’t be just you affected by her move in, he will too. Tell them they said they would make plans about future living situations and then they didn’t live up to their promise. Here are the consequences. Based on their promise to take care of their own housing you are not prepared. You’ll help them decide where to live and find the best assisted living place available.
Don’t give in. Role playing can help prepare you for the showdown and you’ll find your words and strength, and the fear will dissipate. Find someone who is willing to play your disagreeable parents. A therapist can help here but start practicing sooner. You have to save your own life.
I made a comment 3/10/22 on a suggestion about what you are going through with your mothers living situation. Even though I made reference concerning outside sources it was not publicity that made me feel the way I did and make the comment about the suggestion of a tiny shed behind your home. I want to apologize if what I said made others feel I was not trying to offer support with the problem you have at hand.
The last two words of your post were: “Please Help!” You mentioned your father was teasing about building a granny flat. Yet you also mentioned an already strained relationship you have with your mother. Another point was about the guess room you have and possibly having to rearranging things in your home to possibly make accommodations for her.
My whole point was if and when the time comes that she may need assistance a lot of things may come into play, what will her insurance pay for, whether a facility would be best or for her to have in home care. Whatever the situation having a plan of action in place and different scenarios is so important and taking all of these “what ifs” into consideration.
I made the suggestion of a tiny home or as your father mentioned a “granny flat” simply because if you’re already having a strained relationship with her and you add dementia to this mix it can have a serious strain on your marriage, coupled with rearranging your house to accommodate a person with a disease that can take over the mind, body and affect any household.
By having a “granny flat” or tiny home and hiring caregivers as needed, she could still have some of her independence and it could prevent you from having to work 24/7 because you could visit her verses her staying right in your home. You could also leave whenever she begins to be toxic.
I mentioned that suggestion because of an experience I knew of from dear friends of mine. One sibling was taking care of the mother with dementia but decided they were no longer able to do so. He and his wife decided to make a surprise visit to my friend and her family and bring Momma with stage 2 dementia with the intention of leaving her. That’s just what they did and it caused stress on the whole family.
My point was that situations and life changes can happen over night that can disrupt more than one households. By having a Plan A,B and C in place in advance is vitally important because if something happens suddenly you won’t have to panic. Dementia is a tricky disease as I’ve learned from training and with a number of patients over the years. One of the greatest combative is learning as much as you can about how the brain changes as various parts die or decline as well as all the various behaviors.
I hope this will help you in your daily struggles.
A relationship such as yours and your mom's, it just won't work. Ask me how I know! Good luck.
They can apply for public assistance if they can't pay but, you will suffer the consequences of their choices if you spend your retirement. And I find that unacceptable.
stay in your home?
help paying for assisted living or other residential facility?
hands-on caregiving 24/7 or occasionally or none at all?
running errands?
providing transportation to doctors' appointments and other places?
Once you are sure what you can afford to do financially, time, and emotionally... then sit your parents down and tell them what you are prepared to provide. Let them know the other types of supportive care needs to come from other people. If the worst case scenario happens - they can not live alone anymore - the easiest way to get them into assisted care or residential care is through a hospital admission.
My mother tried the same thing (get me to let her live with me, or me move in with her to be 24/7 care during her last years). I immediately said, every time she started in on this, that living with her was not an option. Just like that, nothing more. She would get her sour look, say something nasty (but that was par for the course no matter what I said, about anything, ever), bang up the phone like a child, etc. and you know what? Nothing bad happened; I didn't have to live with her or vice versa, and she didn't get to ruin my life (or my marriage!) worse than she already had. If you already know that her living with you in not an option, take your stand now.
Offer to take mom on a tour of 4 or 5 living facilities that you can research and show to her on the Internet. Price and Medicaid acceptance is key, Medicaid application submitted, and any facility requirements for private pay. The choice she has is where she wants to go; your home address is not on the list.
Look for places that offer daily fun activities that she likes and plan the tour.
I had a Borderline Personality Disorder mother who chose me as her "servant". Once I left the house as a young person I knew I could never live with her again. To say our relationship was strained is an understatement. She was emotionally and verbally abusive - sometimes in a subtle way but it was still there. I got that "disrespect " thing too. Pure emotional blackmail!
I knew from the get go that my sister "the Golden child" was the preferred companion and I was the one to do the work and that when the time came I would be expected to look after mother, I decided for my own wellbeing, that that was not a possibility. So when the subject came up, I was very clear in stating my position. However I did take on POA and executrix and when the time came for her to go into facilities I managed that from a distance.
Once when I was a young adult mother needed to spend a year in the city where I lived and asked if she could temporarily stay with me and the girlfriend I shared an apartment with until she found her own place. We said OK- temporarily. She slept on the couch, expected us to feed her, contributed nothing, and showed no signs of finding other accommodation. I wasn't having that so after a week every evening when I came home from work, I sat down beside her with the newspaper and pointed out to her the ads for rooms for rent. She got mad, of course, stormed off and stayed the rest of the year at the YWCA which suited her very well.
That was a lesson learned - don't allow a wedge in the door. Will they get upset when you state very clearly that they can't stay with you? Probably - but that is their choice. You have no control over their behaviour/reactions, only your own. It's hard to stop trying to please your parents but that's part of growing up. You need to look after you first. Your dad sounds quite capable of making suitable plans for himself and your mum. Do him the favour of being very clear that them staying with you is not an option. Let him decide whether they want to be near cousins or not. He is competent so it is his choice, not anyone else's.
Find a way of dealing with these endless questions, teasings. It doesn't matter whether he is trying to tease you or her. It bothers you, so in one statement make your position clear then change the subject. It's called distraction. If most of this over the phone - then end the conversation or don't answer calla and let them go to voicemail. You don't have to listen to your mother's endless conversations on this subject or your father's teasing. You can excuse yourself from the room -go powder your nose, get a cup of tea, don't visit them as often...
They are getting something out of these endless questions and teasings. They are jerking your chain and it seems enjoying your discomfort or they would hear what you are saying and stop. Not nice!
Some of us in dysfunctional families are brought up to please our parents and are afraid to speak up for ourselves. There comes a time when we have to chose us over them and that time is now for you. You can still advocate for them from a distance.
You don't have to have "that conversation". Just keep saying no when they bring it up. teasing or not. Look after yourself - say yes to you and your needs, not to them. (((((Hugs)))) I know it isn't easy - it's simple but not easy.
Your parents are already so self-absorbed now that they think they have the right to appoint you (and your home with your husband) as the solution to fulfill their elder care needs.
That is HUGE.
Now think of all the little decisions they’ll think they are entitled to make if you let them move in. You still have that ugly parent-child dynamic (I know it well) where you are not allowed to disagree and not allowed to say no, and they will exploit it and micromanage your life.
My mother moved next door 18 years ago (we’d lived hours apart for 20 years) before dementia broke her brain, and tried to reestablish her controlling role. Having grown up with it, I honestly didn’t see how unreasonable her expectations were until the past few years. Dementia unleashed her worst, and we couldn’t eat, sleep or work without interruption - complaints, demands and constant pleas for attention.
You cannot set boundaries with someone like that. It’s like trying to build a one-sided fence.
If your guilt won’t allow you to fully distance yourself, and, because they have neglected to plan, perhaps you can offer to help.
”No, you cannot move in with me. Put together a budget and a list of what’s important to you for your lifestyle. Amenities, location, the availability of increasing care - that sort of thing. Once you two have agreed upon these details, write a plan. Then let’s meet to go over it, to determine the best care community for you.”
That puts the responsibility back on them. Not you. Because I suspect that wherever you research will be unacceptable. And they’ll just keep applying pressure to live with you.
I’m in a similar situation, however, I AM willing to let my parents move in with me, and have tried for many years to have this conversation with them, but they just keep refusing to make plans. My mother cannot live in a house by herself without my father, and I live on the other side of the country. I’m not leaving my job, my home, and my disabled husband to go live with and take care of her, but that seems to be what she expects. Not going to happen.
Many of these homes not only have severe neglect, but ABUSE! Please do NOT try to push them into one. They killed my sister ...don't let them kill your parents!
If you do not want them in your home, talk to them about IN HOME CARE! There are programs to help financially if they need it. Like ISIS which allows them to decide who they want to help (including family).
I am sorry for your loss and the experience you had, but it does not represent everyone's experience.
Before any big decisions why not do this:
Count the pros and cons..obviously you're being pressured by your mother/father into a very big decision: they living in your home..with all that this entails..
By the way has your mom been evaluated regarding dementia?Any social worker around to have a friendly talk with her,your dad and you present?
While it's understandable that as our parent age they feel the need for security, safety...living "all in the family "isn't always in their best interest..
Prayerfully think about it? Calmness of mind helps to see things clearer..doesn't it?
I don't think that there is any way that you can allow your parents to live with you and maintain your own peace of mind. They are already giving you a taste of what that would be like: you will be bullied constantly and not allowed to have your own opinions. My sisters and I agreed at least a decade before there were indications that Mom was needing care that none of us would ever allow Mom to live with us. We did things for her and helped her, but none of us ever spent more than a few hours with her because she would always start with the "teasing" if we were with her any length of time. It is, of course, a choice only you can make, but I think that you really knew this before you wrote your post. If it is affirmation you need, you certainly have it. As an adult it is your responsibility and your right to stand up for what you need first. Please protect yourself, care for yourself, you have earned that right and you are very much worth your own care and protection.
I think that even if you had a good relationship with your mom, this couldn't be said enough, but since you don't, it's that much more important. Your home is your sanctuary AND your workplace. As you begin to take care of her, it will be your retreat. If you bring your mother into your home, it will become your prison too.
Perhaps you need to sit down with your dad alone and discuss with him that you thought - based on their assurances - that they had this taken care of. Ask him to quit teasing about the granny flat because he is fueling an impossible expectation. Since he is with her more than anyone, if you can get him to understand your POV, maybe he can help to steer her toward AL.
If you can't have that conversation with him (or even if you do), you really do need to find it in you to say no and know that you mean no. You don't have to be unkind or ugly - boundaries can be set with kindness if you start setting them when she isn't treading on them. It's not just for your benefit, but for hers as well. I also have a difficult relationship with my mom (who lives in AL, suffers dementia, and is a narcissist). As I grew up, she said hurtful horrible things to me that no parent should ever say to their child. Yet here She and I manage to get along peacefully most of the time (mostly because I don't allow her to know more about my daily life than a neighbor down the street would know), but occasionally we get cross and I drop her back off at her apartment, tell her I love her and I will see her soon, and we go our separate ways for a bit. At those moments when my resolve weakens with her, I have learned to sketch a mental picture of the very worst I can imagine if I give way to a boundary. A case in point - she no longer drives and this was by mutual agreement that she needed to give up her car. However, she recently got mad at me when I couldn't come get her to take her downtown to go window shopping at the moment she wanted me to (in the middle of the day while I was at work) so she demanded that I bring her car to her. I drew that picture of a horrendous pileup with her standing beside it saying "I don't know how this happened", and I was able to hold my ground and remind her that we had agreed that she should no longer drive. The more you learn to set good boundaries and hold them, the easier it gets but getting started is tough, especially with a parent who is difficult.
Cannot support enough to differentiate, when clarity of a (or both) parents have zero respect of boundaries & a daughter who is kind, well intended & thoughtful - hold that ground & be unyielding in ensuring life NOT over run by the intentional absence of planning of parents, capable of planning.
Magical thinking that if only a different manner might change reality, is not reality.
There is a unapologetic manipulation of an adult child who loves parents but gets stakes. I wonder if others who have manageable relationships w/ elder parents can even imagine the theater of a parent (elder mums w/ daughters who ‘weaponize love’) that can be experienced if their child demonstrates flexibility. A terrific trait! But not in a case like this.
To protect boundaries is beyond critical. So there is the bandwidth to be present in a healthy way, vs. used & manipulated & resentful.
You must be familiar with the old drug campaign, "JUST SAY NO!"?
Well, JUST SAY NO to all this pressure. And keep saying it. Practice, practice, practice, because muscle memory will save you when the time comes.
Read your mother your post, because you've got all the words and feelings right there. If it will not work for you, then it's not a viable option. A failure to plan on their part does NOT constitute an emergency on your part. You cannot be expected to make up for the planning they lacked to do. You cannot be expected to put in more energy than they have (or have not).
I'm somewhere in the vicinity of your same situation, and whenever I feel my conviction waning, I stop and imagine what it would be like several months down the road if we moved in with my mother or she moved in with us....... and then I remember that there have to be better options, options that provide all of us with what we need, including personal space and time away from each other.
Read and re-read and re-read your post until you know it by heart, and then have a heart-to-heart with your folks. You can do this. You have to.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxo
answers. You do need to say “Mom, it won’t be possible for you to live with me’.
Its easy for any of us to tell you to do that, Family dynamics are wildly different, I look after my in-laws, my husband was an only child and he passed away 3 years ago,
I have 24/7 home health care, however it still remains a demanding job. When one of them passes away, I will make a decision. I would happily move my MIL in with me, if it’s my FIL, he goes into assisted living.
Write down your bullet points, rehearse and have the conversation. You are worth it.
Your parents are probably totally fearful, don't want to admit it, and are hoping things never change but for moving in with you, which is something they understand. Change is frightening at any age. Fear is a common trait in the senior years. Even if one has planned for these things, when it starts, your heart is in your throat all the time, and your stomach is in turmoil. Fear can take hold of a person and turn one into a raving lunatic, if you're not one already! :) Perhaps just ask them questions pertaining to the fear and see what happens, turn the tables a bit. Look for an honest emotion. And don't be afraid yourself, you are doing the right thing, do not doubt yourself.
Say your loud and clear NO, then offer more paperwork ( I thought paper info a terrific idea!) about the places you are thinking about. A little info goes a long way to reassure someone, doesn't hurt a bit to read! Maybe just mail it to them, to your dad, who seems more reasonable. Perhaps he is joking around to get your mom off track with the insults and demands?
Hang in there, keep repeating NO and stay the course. They did not have a child to take care of them in their old age, as young parents they never gave it a thought! You know all this, so as mentioned, go in the bathroom, read the supportive posts, and go back for another round strengthened by the support in your pocket!
((((hugs))))
Also, is there a reason why Mom thinks Dad will predecease her?
I think both of them are overwhelmed and scared at the inevitable changes coming to their lives. Handling their money and making major decisions is almost impossible, so I don't blame them for being a bit paralyzed. My dad, who had all his faculties to the end and was always competent to handle things, but when it came to figuring out what to do when he realized staying in their house was getting difficult, I took over. I told him we'd remodel the bathroom downstairs so they could live down there full-time if necessary. Then we did it. I moved them to an independent living cottage at a local nursing home, we did the work, and they moved back in. It took a huge load off his mind to have SOME plan for what was ahead. He was still in charge of the money, he had the final say on what work was to be done, but I provided the direction.
You taking firm control of the decisions might take care of the whole problem.
When you talked about fear paralyzing our LOs, I have seen the fear in my mom's eyes when things change even a tiny bit. Coming up with a plan or even explaining (now a days I have to write things down on a whiteboard so she can reread it as often as she needs to) what the plan of action will be, has been very helpful. It also helps to get her involved in some way so she feels like she is helping to resolve the problem. It calms her down and it relieves the stress I am feeling. Thank you!
well be a family dynamic which has been manipulated and used throughout your life, but don’t let it be used to highjack your career and family life. You are not responsible for becoming a full time carer and it doesn’t sound like you have the kind of relationship with your parents where they respect your individuality and autonomy. In which case, it’s predictable that you will expected to subsume all of your hopes and needs to care for their wants and needs. It’s a familiar tactic to wear down your opponent and I don’t think it sounds as though there is much consideration of your best interests here. I think the sooner you have a very clear conversation that having your parent move into your home is 100% OFF the table, the sooner your parents can make plans for their needs. It’s a daunting prospect to consider that stage of your life and imagining moving in with your child might be less scary to your Mum than moving into a facility. However, they are still young and this is the very best time to start seriously planning, while they are still compos mentis and can have some choice about what they want. Perhaps you could put it that way? They may be fearful of doing this, but you can offer reassurance and support with looking at their options, whilst being VERY FIRM that moving in with you is not an option.
My mother used to hint often, ‘joke’ about it regularly, but I knew it wasn’t a joke. My husband took the heat off me, because he was very clear that it was NOT an option, not just for my mental health, but also his. Mum stopped hinting in the end, but left dealing with the situation for way too long, which made it much harder for her in the end. Moving while your parents are still young and well enough to establish friendships and social activities before they need lots of care will make the transition much easier. Mum is now in assisted living and quite happy, but because she resisted and left it too long it made the transition more frightening and stressful for her and she had a long period of loneliness and lack of self care to go through before getting the care she needed. Good luck!
It is hard to stop responding in the ways you did as a child as these responses are almost automatic. The words come out of your mouth almost without thinking.
Try to slow down the process. Even just pausing to take a deep breath or two, and adjusting your position to a more 'adult' position helps make your message have impact.
You'd be surprised what sitting up straight, making eye contact, using a firm voice, and saying the words you have chosen to use without allowing an interruption can do.
Maybe you and your husband could role play..or make a video of yourself and practice the words...
Being an only child means that you are the only one to have to deal with this..it also means that you don't have to deal with siblings who have very very different ideas about 'what is best for mom and dad."
Good luck.
Tell her you love her and will help her any way you can, but she is not moving in with you. More than likely you will have to repeat that more than once, but stay firm. You need to be as aloof about it as they are ....but always come back to your answer of NO.
Did your parents move their parents in with them and give up their lives at the age of 38? I am guessing the answer is NO. Even if they did, this is your life and your decision.
Don't do it. Offer suggestions, offer support, but don't offer up your life because they are being stubborn.
Likely, your mother is very afraid of the changes in herself, and is clinging to you for her own needs for independence. Although the relationship is "conflicted", she loves and trusts you. I think your plans are good and there may be other help for her as well.
Please consider calling your area Alzheimers Association office. They have personnel trained to help in you, and similar situations.
Best wishes in your self-care journey.
If Mom is showing signs of Dementia, you can no longer reason with her. So you sit Dad down, look him in the eye and say "Dad I am only telling this to you one more time. I will not be taking Mom and you in to live with me. If you pass before Mom I will not be moving Mom in with me. If Mom goes first, I will not be moving you in with me. No matter how many times you say it or ask it...the answer is NO. You have told me for years you have a plan. I am not going to be your "plan". I will help in any way I can to make sure you both are safe and cared for but I will not be caring for you. You really need to get that out of your head. Saying it don't make it so. So, from now on I don't want to hear anymore about you moving in with me."
Then you ignore it if they say it again. Change the subject, walk away but say nothing. Dad can care for Mom. He promised that in his vows. If he goes before Mom, her Dementia will have progressed even more. So you take what money she has and place her in Memory Care or LTC applying for Medicaid when its gone. Doing the same for Dad. Independent living, an AL or LTC. There are resources out there, you just have to look.
I bet if you talked to those cousins they will tell you that they wish they had not left jobs to care for family. It effects their future and what they will be able to do for themselves.
No is a one word sentence.
From the book Boundries...When you say No, you are not responsible for the reaction you receive.
My new mantra...I am here to help people find the way, not be the way.