My in laws and I have never had the best relationship. Mostly because when they visit I’m expected to play June Cleaver. About a month ago they were walking down the sidewalk and my MIL was hit by a car and killed. My FIL witnessed the accident. Very traumatic. I flew my husband to Florida from North Carolina so he could be with his dad as quickly as possible. By the time I arrived in Florida I was told that life is changing. His dad was moving in and I was expected to cook clean and care for his father. Well I own my own business and work 70+ hours a week. I wasn’t asked how do you feel about this or are you okay with the idea. Now a month into my husbands father living with us I have been asked to pack a bag and leave because I make his father so uncomfortable. Now all he does is lay (which leaves me nowhere to sit in my own living room) on my couch and cry or sleep. His bedroom is 4 feet from my couch. I also tore down my other spare room to give him his own living room. Went and purchased him a new couch and tv the whole 9. I told my husband I needed communication boundaries and a plan. His response to any of this is I’m impatient uncaring and have a major lack of emotion and it’s TOO SOON TO TALK ABOUT ANY OF THIS. I feel like I’m not only losing my husband but also my home. I left Thursday of last week just like he asked me to and I feel like my life is up in the air. I don’t know how to get my point across to my husband that I do care but I want things to go back to normal without sounding like an inconsiderate person. HELP!
Was your marriage on the rocks before the death of your mil? Are you the main bread winner ("I flew my husband to Florida from NC...)?
I think you need advice from a family law lawyer.
Who is cooking and cleaning for fil now?
"Now a month into my husbands father living with us I have been asked to pack a bag and leave because I make his father so uncomfortable." Who asked you to leave--your husband or your FIL? If it is your husband, you need to contact a lawyer to get your company and personal assets separate from your husband's money and open a separate checking account for your self. Do you have any children? If so, are they living at home or are they old enough to be going to school or living on their own? How are they coping?
It sounds like your husband and FIL are having trouble coping with the sudden death of their mother/spouse and they are taking it out on you. Who is going to clean and fix the meals and do the housework, etc. now that you are gone?
As to "life going back to normal", it is NOT ever going to happen. For life to return to normal, your MIL needs to be alive and well. But since she is dead, life can never be the same. You are NOT an inconsiderate person, you are having trouble coping with the sudden death of your MIL and with all of the unexpected and unplanned changes that have occurred because of her death.
IS LIFE FAIR? NO!! However, we all need to learn to cope with what life has given us in whatever way we can. Apparently your husband and your FIL are trying to cope by NOT having any women around them or in the same house that they are currently living in. Give them the space that they have requested and attempt to cope with your MIL death in your own way. (Unfortunately, it seems that you will have to cope without the support of your husband and he will have to cope without your support.) Talk to a counselor who specializes in grief counseling.
I am sorry that you and your husband and FIL are having to go through this. {{{{HUGS}}}} 😢 🌷 💟
Has anyone suggested that your FIL see a therapist? How awful to basically loose everything and to have witnessed the tragic death of his life partner.
Your husband was very wrong to not include you in the decision to bring dad home, but he did and now it is up to you to support him or not.
Can you imagine how tragic this all feels for him? Loosing his mom in such a manner then seeing his big strong self sufficient father lying on the couch in a puddle.
You said you gave up your spare room so he could have his own living room, really, it sounds like you are pushing isolation on him and it does sound heartless. This is all very new and yet you have already created space so you don't have to deal with him.
Can't you bring the new couch into the living room so you have a place to sit.
Is there anyway you can use the living room you created for him?
Can you show him some compassion for his very painful reality?
I actually felt like I was going to be sick from how heartless you sound towards people that you should as a loving wife be propping up and comforting in this time of great sorrow. It's not to late to say you are sorry and be what these two men need for a season. If you are not willing to be a help, you've lost your marriage, this is when we need our spouses understanding and love the very most and your husband must feel very hurt and angry that you have dealt so selfishly in his hour of great need.
Sorry if what I say is not to your liking, I understand how they feel more than I understand you.
If it were me, I'd have a come to Jesus talk with him and say that first, hubby will not continue to disrespect you, you won't allow it. Then, tell him that either you sit down and talk about a solution that works for the BOTH of you, or you are calling the police AND a lawyer, pronto. And yes, now is the time to talk about it, it's past due in fact. He should have talked to you before making a decision that was going to affect both of you.
Sorry if this sounds harsh. I just can't believe the audacity. No way should his treatment of you fly. Yes, he's grieving and both he and his father have experienced a traumatic loss, but that's no excuse for you to be mistreated either.
Losing someone like this is just awful. I know husband is upset, but you should have been asked not told, Like "Hon, Dad is very distrault and I would like to bring him home to live with us" You may have agreed. I would too have felt that he may want a place to himself. Maybe you should have used the new living area. Let the two men deal with their grief. I really do think it was selfish of FIL to feel you needed to leave so he could be comfortable. I can see where u didn't have a good relationship. I also understand how you feel. I don't do change well either. FIL is 74? He is a big boy and can care of himself. Same with husband.
I would wait things out at this point but protect what is yours.
To be very honest, after this, I don’t think things can return to normal. If my husband did something like that to me, I would have gone straight to an attorney. You may have been able with his cooperation, to abide his father for a short while. If you’d been asked. But throwing you out of your home? Nope. That’s a deal breaker.
Who told you that things were changing? This seems to be your money, yes?
I can understand why "another adult in the nest" is not acceptable - a violation of your space. People seem to feel differently about "family togetherness" and some people don't understand the need for space emotionally. Perhaps if the emotional storm subsides, you and husband can get past this. But I don't see FIL in your home on a permanent basis nor is there any need for it.