How can I get away for the weekend if I cannot afford to hire a caregiver?

My significant other (25 years and I am the only caregiver) is beginning to lose bowel control. What is the best way to deal with this problem? I don't think he would respond well to diapers. I'm just not sure what I can do. Maybe someone out there has had to deal with this and can help.

jgadrick What county is Hudson Falls NY? I am in Bergen county NJ. I wish I could afford to quit my job and help people like you. As others said check all of your resourses. Apply for any assistance available. I have heard that Alz assoc. helps caregivers with these issues. It may help you to try to have a good time with your parents in the meanwhile. Try music, games, movies, old photos of the family.

jgadrick - tell us more.

How old are your folks and what is their illness? How long have you been caring for them? Is there no other family at all?

This is probably the most common complaint on this site - the isolation we as cargivers face - especially when there is no other family available to help - or their is family but they refuse to help. And for those of us who had to quit our jobs to be full time caregivers money - or the lack of it - becomes an overwhelming concern.

Add to that the 'routine' stress of marriage, particularly with children at home - and - well - its not a pretty picture. Being able to get away with your husband once in a while is important. But maybe for now you should set your sites on dinner and a movie, or a day trip, if that's all you can afford.

Good luck to you. I speak for tens of thousands when I tell you i feel your pain.

Maybe I can help you take to care of your parents, I am a registered nurse in Philippines and I graduated last 2008 in a Bachelor degree of Nursing. I had already experienced taking care with older patients, I had client before who had prostate cancer at the age of 89 years old, his a chinese. I monitor his vital signs everyday, giving medications, do exercises too and I can assist him on his daily activities of living. If you are interested to get me as your private nurse just contact me..through my .I am 25 years old and single and I am living from Philippines.

LindaGS that is pretty resourceful thinking. Thanks for sharing. I can see it perhaps working better for a few hours here and there than for providing the weekend care that jgadrick asked about. I think most young mothers would have a hard time devoting a weekend to elder care. We have new neighbors with young children. But I think I would have a hard time watching those children as well as caring for my husband (dementia, age 85). If I had two elderly parents to care for I really don't know how practical it would be to bring in one or more children to watch, too. I know that people do it -- they have their own parents living with them and also have their own young children. My admiration and awe is boundless! How do they do it?

Make friends with a young mother. Offer her one for one services. She can leave her kids with you and for every hour her kids play with you and she runs errands she will come and watch granny. The cool thing for her is if she stays the night she get 12 hours banked to get her hair cut and go to the doctor kids free. Tell her all the trades will involve your home as granny can only handle so much change.

If either of your parents are a veteran go to www.veteranaid.org and on the left side of the site click on "A&A Program". This is the aid and assistance program. The veterans administration will help you with paying for in home care (which you need now) or nursing home or assisted living care in the future. If one is a veteran, they will financially assist them and/or the spouse. Definitely worth looking into if one is a veteran. Go directly through the veteran's administration for filling out the application (they will help you) or check with your county - some have veterans services that will assist you for free. It is free to apply so don't let anyone charge you for assistance in filling out the application - there are some organizations out there that claim they can get you veterans benefits and will assist you with the application - yes they will but they are also trying to get you to invest money in their company - so I would steer clear of them. As you will see on their site, the requirements for qualifying are very simple - basically the veteran had to serve during wartime. Also, check your local "Council on Aging" and senior centers. Many times they provide respite care at either a center or local church - where you can leave your parents for a few hours with others and they provide games, crafts and sometimes meals. It sure sounds like you need to a break and definitely some hours away for "your time". I'm also an only child, dad passed in 1997 and mom was fine at home until last year when she broke her hip and the problems began - she was between the hospital and rehab for 4 months and then a month at assisted living and then she passed - so honestly I had it easy since she was being cared for - however, I still had to make arrangements for her (financial and finding an assisted living when she left rehab) , have meetings with her doctors, visits, keep on top of her condition and care, etc. and putting up with her complaining that I was never doing enough in her eyes. But I got to leave and go home to my family (who was so supportive) for most of the day and I was still stressed out. So I can only imagine the stress you have with caring for them full time. You definitely need some breaks and time for yourself. Remember you need to care for yourself also otherwise you're putting too much stress on yourself and your husband and your relationship, and that will only ruin things for all of you. Personally I would suggest getting them away from the house for a few hours whenever possible so that you and your husband can have the house alone - even if you're just going to watch tv together or just pick up and be able to walk out the door to go shopping without a worry behind you. It will be a good feeling to just put yourself and your husband first for a few hours and know that mom and dad are safe and taken care of, while you enjoy yourselves. And never never feel guilty about that! You are doing a great job - actually overextending yourself right now and you are to be commended! Please keep us updated on this post. We all like to help others, and we all like to know how other situations worked out and what others did to improve their situation. Good luck & God Bless!

Those suggestions are all good. My only thought is, if you/they attend church, sometimes they can assist with elderly parents by checking in on them or maybe someone would be willing to spend a night. While my mother insists she does not need help, she will not refuse a visiting church member.

jgadrick..... I actually just called the Veteran's Caregiver support line to make sure I wasn't giving you bad info and they told me that my information was correct. There is care available and that it could take up to a month for them to come out to make an assessment but after that there is quite a few services they would provide such as help with bathing, transportation, physical therapy, wound care and respite care to give you a break.

I live in the suburbs of Detroit and the number I called was 1-855-260-3274. I think it's a national number but if not, I'm sure they can give you a better number depending on where you live. They also have a website where you can get some general information. www.caregiver.va.gov Good luck and I'll say a prayer that you have a Veteran!!

Are either of your parents a Veteran? There is home help care available and respite care to give you a break but it takes a while to get everything into place. There is also financial aid and attendance benefits available through Veterans. I found it best to have an attorney make the application for the aid and attendance benefit because it seems to get through faster - at least with my experience compared with a friend's experience that did not use an attorney. A local Veteran's office can also help you apply. Hopefully one of your parents is a Veteran!

I definitely agree with Lynn Ivey that it is important to find time away to rejuvenate and take care of yourself. I'll bet that jgadrick agrees with that, too.

The question is how to do this when you can't afford respite care. I don't belong to a place of worship, and among those that I am familiar with, few have anything approaching a "care team." I have friends, of course, and our neighbors are kind. I cannot imagine asking any of them to spend a weekend taking care of two adults with special needs. Asking someone to sit with them for a couple of hours? Yes. A couple of days? Gee, I don't think so. Set up a friends caring exchange? Sorry, I am at the end of my emotional and physical energy level as it is. I don't think I'm up for establishing a social caring exchange from scratch.

I read the answer and it sure doesn't sound very hopeful to me.

It is indeed important for you to find time away to rejuvenate and take care of yourself and spend time with your husband. The exact needs of your parents will dictate the level of care you will need to provide while you take a weekend break.

Do you need basic companionship and light caregiving duties or more specialized medical/caregiving duties? For companionship and light caregiving duties, contact the Congregational Care Team of your place of worship to see if a "home buddy" is available to stay with your parents while you are away. Another option to consider is a close friend, neighbor, or relative who is already familiar with your loved one. This could be especially good if you have flexibility of your parents staying with them in their home instead of yours.

Contact the senior center in your area for referrals to additional respite options. Often private individuals offer home care, usually at a reduced cost than with a homecare agency.

This may not help with your most immediate need, but building for the future, you might consider identifying a circle of friends who could offer help and care in situations like this. And in exchange, you might offer help in return for some other circumstance, such as preparing meals for someone in the circle who is sick. I am sure your plate is already full and finding time to cultivate this circle could be challenging, but maybe worth some thought.

Good luck -- and I hope you have a restoring weekend away soon!