I moved here from Utah with about $20 to my name after 2 1/2 years of unemployment, and had been reduced to living in a tent by the river. I was desperate, and took it essentially sight-unseen on the recommendation of a close friend. I knew one person, the woman who helped me get the job.
I am living on a large family-owned property within shouting distance of her sons houses, in a very rural, isolated area of the mtns. east of Monterey, CA, It is 22 miles of dirt and mountain roads to the closest village (too small to be designated a town). I have very little social network, and no one with experience I can speak freely to. I'm being paid cash. UTT, no receipts, just an informal employee contract and list of duties. Said duties have increased exponentially, but my pay has not.
I am only allowed "off the mountain" on my days off and am still struggling with basic issues like getting my car legal to drive, getting on MediCal, paying off back debts, etc. Basic "functioning in normal society" kinds of things. I can't afford to lose this job, because with the cost of rent here I would be back in my tent again. It's hard to camp and look for work when your plates are expired.
My employers (the three sons of the woman I care for) are frightening me. I don't fear for my physical safety so much as I am finding it difficult to do my job properly due to my fear of their impatience, explosive tempers, and of being held personally accountable for not being able to cajole, manipulate or somehow force their mother to do things like bathe when they want, change clothes daily, participate in family gatherings, etc. She can be a peach on a good day but is usually mean, belligerent and nasty. I need their support and back-up, it is becoming obvious that they simply want me to "get it done". I understand that they are under tons of stress, but it seems that they just want to install be here as a keeper and walk away..
They understand all about dementia and stubborn behavior when it suits them, but always, ALWAYS throw be under the bus when I she won't "behave". I have been threatened with termination if I cannot get my client to bathe every Wed.. and Sat. So tonight when she wouldn't bathe after my trying all day, I was criticized for not succeeding, and for not reporting the problem sooner in the day. I was also told that "We will be talking tomorrow." Yes, I should have called sooner, but in all honesty, I was afraid to. No one helps, no one listens, the women in the family are supportive but have little power. I feel so trapped. Any ideas?
I don't want to add to your worries, but I can see something happening to this lady---a fall or other accident or a sudden illness---and her boys blaming YOU and reporting you to the authorities. If she is as mean and nasty as you say she might tell them you pushed her or left her alone. You are in a very precarious position with no connection to an employment agency, no solid contract and no proof of employment beyond what the brothers are willing to attest to. Add to that an expired out of state auto registration and you are setting yourself up for trouble if the authorities ever need to step in. Who are they going to believe, someone who is little more than a vagrant in the eyes of the state or supposedly reputable established landowners?
You are being exploited. PLEASE remove yourself from this situation ASAP.
On the other hand: get out of this gracefully and at the very least you'll have glowing references when it comes to getting your next job. So. Something to aim at, at least.
Number one: don't let the sons' meanness and blame-dispersal infect your view of yourself. You're doing your best with almost nothing to work with. Be proud of what you do accomplish to keep this lady safe and cared for, which is no walk in the park.
Two. I can't believe it's the best idea for an elderly lady with dementia to be living in so isolated a location. Ok, it's her home, her sons and their families are nearby, blah blah blah - but the mere fact that they hired you (and don't forget that if the job was sight unseen, well, so were you!) indicates that she was already more than they could handle. The whole platform just seems a bit teeter-y, if you see what I mean. What happens if you twist an ankle on those dirt tracks, for example? What happens if she gets out and goes a-wandering? This can't be safe.
I wonder. If you were to put it to the daughters/sisters that mother would really be a lot safer a lot closer to civilisation, would they tend to agree? If so, it then becomes a question of impressing on the sons where their mother's welfare could best be served and appealing to their filial duty. Yes that would leave you out of a job, but see above.
One other thing. When they have a pop at you for not getting their mother washed and turned out nicely in pearls and tiara, remind them that it is for their mother to say when she wishes to bathe and dress and not them. You can assist, you can encourage, you can facilitate but you cannot dictate. Respect for autonomy. It's The Law (near as dang it is to swearing, anyway).
If you get really concerned that looking after this lady in these circumstances is impossible, you can also call APS, report the situation and request an assessment. The brothers might not like it, but as long as they're copping this "don't bring us problems bring us solutions" attitude they'll just have to lump it. Safety - yours and your charge's - first.
Church groups, women's groups, Jewish Family Service (you don't have to be Jewish), charity groups to get you out and safe and to land in a place you can restart. Do you feel safer and happier in Utah? Where ever it is, I have a feeling if you stay in this present place you'll sink deeper in that quagmire.
Countrymouse has given some positive points. Build your job resume with a local support group online. Since the family wants to tether you to their mountain, do whatever you can online and start to show them YOUR boundaries. Don't give in to letting them have power over you. Emotional abuse cannot happen if you don't buy into that script and set up. You have strength and talents. Now's the time to forge your powerful will and find the life you want and need.
If you are a senior, senior low income housing is another possibility. Get on the waiting list in several places. That's what I did and I just got called and moved into a gorgeous place where I can build my life in a better way.
See All Answers