She has been in a prison yes I said prison type Assisted Living for almost 2 months. I need my Mom. He is filling her head with lies about me. I need my Mom and want her back in her home I am living in. Please help me. I even have her aggressive dog with me that I never got along with. I need advice. I never wanted to take care of this dog - I am struggling etc -it's ruining my life more.
Get a job and grow up.
Go to the bathroom and look above the sink if you want to see the real source of your problems.
If he is stalking you call the police and report it.
Take care of yourself first then send a letter to your mom.
Prayers
Unless your brother is willing to talk and see your needs, I would go get an attorney and challenge the POA in all it ‘s forms.
being a caregiver can be brutal and the answers that you were given are frankly cruel and uncaring . Shocked at them.
yes assisted living is hugely expensive. But there are
other solutions than selling the house. …. Depending on what state you live in.
i am so sorry these people have been giving your cruel and selfish answers. Not every person was made for assisted living . It can be a prison… so I beg to differ with anyone who says it is not. I have seen the doors locked . They have no personal care and needs. Yes for the person protection, but also for the staffs convenience.
being home you could still allow her to live where she has always known. Fill in care givers… which also can be expensive, might be a better solution for you both .
go
challenge the POA legally
My concern is that you sound like my step-daughter. She has her own special needs. She says she was her Mom's caregiver but Mom did all the shopping and cooking and they shared the cleaning. They had a serious falling out and Mom was removed from their shared apartment, leaving a sick elderly dog with her daughter. Mom is not moving back there. The dog was taken to a shelter after neighbors complained.
Unless there are legal grounds to change this situation, you need to move forward with your life. If Mom is being cared for safely you have to accept your situation and get help for yourself.
Your ‘monster estranged sibling’ may indeed have horns and a tail. He may be cruel to your M, may just be after M’s money (although an AL is the quickest way to get through it), may be acting in pure spite towards you. The other story we sometimes hear is that a sister wants M at home but is unrealistic about it, has set up a roster for support from family members that can’t or won’t be provided. That the reason why sister “wants her back in her home I am living in”, is to avoid it being sold. That sister comes to see M, phones many times, says she would gladly take her home and it’s all B/SIL’s selfishness that’s in the way. That M misses her, but finds the contacts too unsettling. The different ‘story’ is why the PIL has used his rights to cut off contact. Whatever the truth, that's the story, and it stands up well in court.
At the moment you have ‘lost’ your brother, for the time being ‘lost’ your mother, and gained instead an ‘aggressive dog’ that would probably be dangerous for M as well as for you. Getting into litigation will make it worse. Perhaps seeing a counselor (or church support) might help you to work out what is best for you. You just have to accept that your M gave B the POA which gives him the right to work out what is best for M.
Why would you say that you were a slave for years, caring for your mum, yet also say that you want her back?
It makes no sense.
You need to look after yourself before you're in a position to care for anyone else.
So suggest to your family to hire a monitor and have them present when in person or on the phone conversation are taken place.
I don't understand the dog issue. Get rid of the aggressive dog. Turn it over to an agency that deals with such situations. Perhaps animal control can provide advice.
I have run into similar situations in the 7 years I have been exposed to what goes on in nursing homes and assisted living facilities. Based on everything I have seen, experienced, and read about - and stories from others, including former staff - many facilities do have similarities to prisons: rigid regiments, denying self direction, and an attitude of "ownership" of the residents, and exhibiting retaliation for those who strive for more resident independence and more accountability of the facility. I suggest avoiding these places if at all possible.
“Where there’s a Will, there’s relatives!” She was exactly right!! My siblings have been the WORST. They are selfish & greedy. They were more concerned about their inheritance than proper care for our mother. I’m not like them. They fed our mother false information about me. She believed all of it instead of asking me about the lies they told her. I was her primary caregiver for 11 years. My siblings spent little time with her & weren’t involved in her life until she became very sick due to a UTI with septicemia. They moved in & forced me out. I was excluded from all care decisions for our mother, including whether she should be admitted to a NH. Shame on them! I believe what goes around, comes around, karma. God don’t like ugly!
I know because it happened to me.
When my sister found out she could not access mom’s bank account and put her in a nursing home against her will, she told the hospital to give her back to me.
She did not visit my mom more than three times when in hospital, and has not come to see mom at home since, (it has been 8 months) although she lives two miles away.
Be very careful who has MPOA or POA. I called over 100 Lawyers, spent over $1000 on consultations, and there was nothing they could do other than tell me to try for guardianship. A contested guardianship will cost more than $30,000 in legal fees. I don’t have that, nor do most others.
Evil people most definitely CAN use MPOA and POA as they wish, and can do things only as revenge, spite, or to attempt to steal assets, and there is little to nothing that can be done.
Sorry, but you should seek counseling because your mom can no longer take care of herself or anyone in her capacity. You say that you need your mom. She is not going back home. There is no turning back. You must accept this and try to take care of yourself.
I know this from personal experience.
Alliance for better long term living helped me when my sibling did this and I was able to see her before she passed.
maybe time to speak to your doctor as you sound like you are suffering quite severely.
You need your mother you say/-
she may not be in a position to help you, needing help
herself.
So that needs addressing.
the dog issue. No one looks like they are in a position anymore to look after a dog let alone an aggressive one. Seek advice from dog home to take it the dog may be suffering with its loss of owner and attention ?
as for poa
that is a legal
issue that you need to seek legal advice on that
concentrate on yourself for now 1. Speak to someone about taking the dog or having it put down if it is aggressive
talk to your doctor about your feelings and how desperate you feel
he/she may be able to recommend temp medication to help you cope and maybe counselling. Wishing you well
I’m sorry you felt you had to be a caregiver ( slave ) , and now have to find another place to live .
Your mother may be naturally declining but thinks the place is making her sick .
You said she didn’t want this, but she may not realize she needs to be there.
You have exhausted all legal avenues to have Mom come home . Sometimes even if you are right the law can’t help you . I know that isn’t fair . But you can’t change it . If you stop fighting it , perhaps your brother will let you visit your mother . If you do , you will just say you have no power , if Mom asks to go home. End of life isn’t rainbows and ribbons . The elderly are often unhappy.
You are now relieved from being a “slave”, your words . After nine years I do understand the difficulty in transitioning since your whole life for 9 years was caregiving . You are grieving not living with your mother , as well as you need to find a job and apartment . That’s alot of adjustment to make .
Try to find a social worker , look on your county website , maybe they can help you get back on feet , temporary or low income housing , some therapy , while you look for a job .
You need to focus on supporting yourself now .
Think of the serenity prayer .
Accept the things you can’t change .
Find the courage to change what you can .
You can’t change things for Mom , she is getting closer to end of life .
But you need to change things for you so you can move forward and have a life . If your Mom knew how upset you were I’m sure she would want you to get help
for yourself .
I hope you find peace.
It would be best for all of you if you could be on good terms. Could you offer to go with B to counseling together? Could you talk to someone about where else you could live? This is clearly a distressing situation for you, but if you do nothing to resolve it, it is likely to get worse.
No lawyer or police or USPS can help you, so how do you suppose WE on a forum can help you?? The POA gets to call the shots here, not you, and mom assigned your brother that job. Why might she have done that, do you think?
I hope you can get on your feet and find a nice apartment to rent. I also hope you can fix the situation with your brother. Good luck.
You need to learn more about the process of staying healthy in old age.
Why are you living in your mom's home? Why do you need her there? Are you disabled? Are you unemployed?
I don't understand what you're struggling WITH, unless it's Failure To Adult. So please enlighten us.
It's difficult to know what to say to posters in this situation since we're only getting your side of the story. Yes, there is always 2 sides.
I agree for you to talk to a therapist to figure out basic problem solving, healthy boundaries and goals for your life. I sincerely wish you much clarity, strength, courage, wisdom and peace in your heart as you work through things.
But sounds like Mom needs to be where she is and POA is making sure she is cared for.
Rehome or take the dog to a shelter. You don’t have to be stuck with an aggressive dog .
Sounds like you need Mom in the home so you have a place to live . The house may need to be sold to pay for Mom’s care . You may need to move .
If you are distraught over this go see a therapist to figure out why you an adult “ needs Mom “ so badly .