For those of you who have lost a beloved loved one are there any particular moments that still haunt you and how do you deal with it?

I try not to focus on negative memories. If they come up, I pull up a good memory and then get busy doing something so I don't brood. I have pictures around that remind me of good times. Right now I'm very busy settling my dad's estate. Lots of memories come back while going through his life. I always try to end the day thinking about happier times. Keep a photo handy that reminds you of a fun time you had together. Also, I remind myself that I did the best I could. I'm not perfect. I make mistakes. We all do. Our loved ones are gone now. They aren't able to think or feel anything. I find talking to a counselor is helpful. Writing in a journal about your feelings can help. Making art or music is very healing. Be kind to yourself. You made the best decisions you could at the time. Maybe we can use those moments of regret to learn from to do better in the future. I hope with time the painful memories fade and you can find comfort in the good ones.

God knows I made enough mistakes in the time I cared for my mom and I was short tempered or less than loving and gentle too often, intellectually I've forgiven myself because hindsight is always 20/20, right? But I still grieve those mistakes, usually when my head hits the pillow at night. I don't think you can do anything to erase those memories, you just have to shove them out of your mind and think of something else - I like Vicki's suggestion of wilfully finding a good memory to replace the bad one, I can see that as being a good strategy to retrain your brain.

I have so many thoughts nagging me. I chose to care for my mom at home. I second guess myself all the time. Should I have done this or that? Should I have done that differently? Maybe I shouldn’t have done that at all. What if?
The fact is that it’s normal and not normal to feel these feelings. We can’t predict how things will turn out, what would have been better or worse. Did we love the person we cared for? We’re we there for them, even though we might have made some mistakes? Life is full of regrets in hindsight, but we might have not changed the outcome even if we changed the action. Where I’ve found comfort is in the scriptural promise of no more tears, sickness or death outlined in Revelation 21:4 and the hope of the resurrection found at Acts 24:14.
This hope of seeing my mom again keeps me anchored and I’ll be able then, to love her for eternity, never making a mistake again.

Gershun, looking back on what could have been doesn't help you at all. How long do you think you should have stayed? As cwillie said, hindsight is always 20/20. Please look in Discussions for my post “Have you lost a LO this year?” around Dec 26th. I hope it offers you some consolation.

I believe that all of us caregivers have moments we wish we could have done over, but really what good does that do us,(as we're all only human) and in what way does that honor the one(s) we loved and lost?

For me the moments that still haunt me are the pictures in my mind of my husband suffering so in his last weeks of life. He was in horrific pain,(despite being on the highest dose of fentanyl, along with haldol, and lorazepam) that hospice could not get under control, and because my husband wanted to die at home, and not at their facility, where they could have given him stronger medications to "knock him out", he really suffered. It was extremely hard for me as his wife to stand by and watch, and not be able to do anything to take his pain away. My husband was a good man, had been through so many trials and hardships (with his health) in his life, that I still have a hard time understanding why God let him suffer so in the end. Some things we just won't understand this side of heaven, so when those images pop up in my head, I instead try to remember my husbands sweet crooked(after his stroke) smile, which brings me great joy.

Finding a better memory could be to focus on what is good about the memory you have that is keeping you awake nights. Changing the focus from regret to more of an understanding what was needed at that time.

As a nursing student, I was asked by my patient to help her with her hair, because her son was coming to visit. She was very ill, and tried her best to sit up, look better, and she did. The whole process was hard on her, even though it was to be only a quick visit because she was so weak.

She could not have visited long in her condition. Or even maintained her composure for long. So the shorter visit was just what she needed in that moment of time.

Couldn’t we all write a chapter of the book “Things I Could have Done Better” I know without doubt that I could. I adored both my parents, but as their issues exponentially increased and became so difficult, I sometimes wanted to be anywhere else and know I dropped the ball on communicating with them as I should. My mother was particularly hard to carry on what had to be a one sided conversation with, and it bothers me now to know how often I avoided it. And I know she longed to be talked with. There’s no choice but to accept my faults, focus on doing better in the future, and enjoying the memories of happier times. I wish us all peace and comfort

I think we all have these moments. How I wish I could have been with my dad while he was hospitalized and in a hospice facility. I would have held his hand and comforted him. Due Covid to I could not. I think it is normal to second guess ourselves. I certainly have, my friends that have lost parents have commented about going through this. I think it's crucial to focus on what you did right. Being weary and tired might have been a blessing. You could have said something unintended to your mom out of exhaustion. You could have not had your brother to drive you home and experienced an accident. Your body prompted you to leave. Again, focus on the more positive experiences. Remember, she was safe, clean, well cared for and happy in her last conscious days.... I love having had the rollers in her hair! When these thoughts hit me...I focus on thanking the hospital and hospice staff for being a surrogate daughter for me. Your thoughts will ease. Also, in your mind, simply start thanking your mom for things...it doesn't matter what...teaching you to cook, garden, advocate for others...anything. This helped me a lot. You are not alone and you will get through this.

Dear "Gershun,"

As others have stated, most of us have certain regrets, things we wish we would have done better or things we wish we would have said or perhaps "not" said.

I know we all process things differently - some being emotional and others maybe not so much.

I've always heard about how to handle breaking "bad habits" and although this isn't something like quitting smoking, drinking, overeating and other vices, I still consider this to be something we can do repeatedly or habitually. They say it takes three weeks to make a change start to take root BUT the key is, it must be replaced with something - something that is good and positive.

With that being said, when I have those moments and believe me I have so many when it comes to both my parents (losing my dad in 2004 and almost losing my mom in 2020). Why? Because I'm an imperfect human being for starters, circumstances in my own life such as when I got sick and simply just never having been a caregiver before and learning as I go - no handbook, no emotional support, no advice/guidance and having to start from scratch.

That being said, I have to say to myself "yes, BUT...and replace it with something I did or said right or even the mere fact that I got better when it came to learning how to be much more patient which I definitely was not at the beginning because of my anger with the disease of Pancreatic Cancer with my dad where there is virtually no hope or cure and my mom's being Alzheimer's - the long goodbye.

As a last resort, I think about those who have done something unintentionally like maybe leaving their child unattended for "just a minute" only to find when they come back that something terrible has happened - it's those circumstances when I truly wonder how do they get over something so very tragic.

As "Daughterof1930" said "I wish us all peace and comfort" and I'll add "acceptance" to that as well.

Thx for your responses.

My mom went into the ER friday night. Past week her health declined. she was speaking slowly and it would take her a real long time to get to the phone. Friday I got a call from some paramedics who said they found her on the floor. She is now in the hospital and for almost 3 days just sleeping and wont wake up. In the ER she was just mumbling. I have done a lot for her but am now just second guessing things on what I could have done to prevent what happened. Maybe there are no mistakes. You do what you think is right at the moment as best as you can. It seems to me from this thread that others have the same guilt or second guessing of choices that I now have. I guess how could a person possibly make all the right choices. Very sad at this time thinking about my mom.

Dad died of cancer, and mom died of ALZ. My friend's died of cancer. She told me she would choose cancer over ALZ since ALZ is the long goodbye.
I agreed.

I placed her in a home...too many bad memoires, of placing mom. I really wished I could have kept her there in her place, but as my cousin said when his mom got ALZ, she didn't even realize she moved...
The Death Part.. was the hardest. The End was not easy when it started. The newbie hospice nurse only showed me how to crush the morphine. Didn't tell me about the Ativan. Ativan separates the brain from the body...
The very AM, Angel came in and told me what I didn't do. Thank God he knew what to do...
As I went home for a quick break, I was watering the trees she gave me a decade ago... I heard her say, come back... I need you... I am going... I got in my car, and the cell was lit up...They were texting me, come back...
I made it there in 2 minutes... As I walked in the Door, the nurse timed her death at the moment I walked in. Ya, that was made up for me... I know when she left... when she was "speaking" to me... So, MOM, Please forgive me... I love you.
Yes, I speak to her and my dad a lot, and my brother...
When you get older, I find I have more relatives and lo's up in Heaven than here on Earth, and I ask for guidance, and help... Usually they ansswer :) My angels..

Oh my gosh, there are no perfect caregivers because there are no perfect people.

We do the best we can do at that point in time. You didn’t do anything wrong!

Remind yourself of everything that you did right and how often you went above and beyond.

We have read your posts enough to know that you have a good heart and soul.

My mom was extremely close to her mother. My mom never went off with friends. She was a homebody.

My mom was so loving towards her mom. Grandma adored my mother. They had a great relationship.

Mom’s best friend from school begged her to join a group of friends for lunch.

Grandma was visiting mom’s house that day. Grandma and daddy told her to go and enjoy herself. So, she went.

Grandma was in the bathroom when mom was about to leave. Mom was running late and wasn’t able to wait for her to come out of the bathroom to hug and kiss her goodbye.

While mom was out, grandma’s heart stopped. She simply dropped dead!

My poor father was devastated and called for an ambulance but it was too late.

She was 85. It was her time to join my grandpa in heaven.

She lived a long and happy life.
She was married to grandpa for over 60 years and missed him terribly after he died.

She watched grandpa suffer and she always said that she wanted to go quickly when she died. God heard her prayer!

Mom was so upset when she returned home. She was grieving for her mom terribly. Then she said, “I didn’t get a chance to hug and kiss her for the last time.”

Mom felt horribly guilty for only telling grandma ‘goodbye and I love you’ from outside the bathroom door.

I immediately told mom that grandma knew with all of her heart that she was loved and would not want her to be in agony over this.

I reminded her of the bazillion hugs and kisses she gave her. I told her that she was a great daughter to her mom and she had no reason at all to feel guilty.

I also told mom that grandma most likely did not want to die in front of her because she knew that it would hurt mom to watch her die. Mom later accepted it happened as it was meant to be and was grateful that grandma didn’t suffer.

This happens all the time, where a loved one leaves the room and just as they leave the person dies. It happened to me with my brother. He died the second that I left the room.

You were a wonderful daughter! Be at peace. Your mom would not want you to feel guilty.

My husband (age 64) died suddenly from an in home accident on May 24, 2020( I was @ my FIRST outdoor Mass in months due to pandemic lockdown)

The flashbacks to what I came home that day were HORRIFIC...BUT I availed myself of therapy & TWO support groups for bereavement.

Now 7months later things are much better. And if it helped me dealing w/ a sudden UNnatural spousal death ...I would imagine in would be even MORE helpful & effective in your situation which is more nature’s way.

Please look into it ...My deepest sympathies & condolences

Fogiveness starts with yourself. Your mom would forgive you - you should too.

I have struggled with many woulda’, coulda’ shoulda’ moments with my mom since she passed two years ago. IMHO, We do the best we can given what we know. Intention is a very powerful thing. Your mom knew your intentions and that you loved her dearly. I’ve had many people tell me how a lo shone brighter and was clearer just before leaving us. Perhaps it’s their gift to us so we picture that when they’re gone? We can talk to our departed lo and explain things and ask for or give forgiveness. They hear, know, feel and fully understand through a place of light and love. Please ease up on yourself; your mom knows how loved she is-even now!

I went for bereavement counselling. I really clicked with my counsellor and it helped a lot. Watching a loved one slowly go downhill is the most difficult thing we have to endure. Living with the guilt that we didn't do enough. Having that front row seat watching a loved one die is not easy. And this forum helps me so much. It was this forum that gave me the idea to go for bereavement counselling. I discovered the Sue Ryder charity who give one to one counselling online (this is in the UK). Don't be hard on yourself.

My husband who died a year ago was when he was in hospital I went in every day but the day he died I went home early because I was so tired I needed to sleep so I left about 2/30/ intending to go back later but nurse said to have a rest and go back in morning he died at 11/30 that night 5minutes before I got there I can’t forget it and wish I had stayed with him x

When my stepdad was dying I didn't much care about him. I have since learned that he liked me and had always loved my mom, so now that I am rested and can think more clearly, I wish I had given him more consideration.
I believe he was a Christian and I believe I will see him again and I hold that as comfort to me.

I lost my mom 1 year, 3 months ago. Although she was 100% dependent on my care, including bowel schedule, diapering, and tube feedings, with the most severe of Alzheimer's disease (AD), it was not AD that killed her--also an insulin-dependent diabetic with chronic kidney disease and liver issues, those other health problems killed her. Still after 15 years of AD, she made it to 90. She died with perfect skin, and even to the end her sugars were extremely well managed. I never had a problem with the feeding tube either but it WAS a lot of work in itself. I would give my soul to the devil if I could have her back, but she has left this ORDEAL called life. Now nothing can ever harm her--not even disease and transcended death.

Mom is a much better place. But I still miss her terribly and I wear memorial jewelry with some of her ashes in it. I made pendants from her photo and I wear it. Mom will always be so close to me.

The price of love is grief, and you will never stop grieving because you can never stop loving them even in death. However, I also accept this is just a part of life and one day it will be my turn to die.

Part of grief is that your mind will work overdrive to make you feel guilty. None of us is perfect and you would have to be Jesus walking on water to be this pristine caregiver. You are human, and you did the best you could. I hear this a lot from caregivers on this forum--guilt--and all I can say is: (1) You have to learn to forgive yourself; (2) remember whatever you feel you did not do right, it is now in the PAST. It's over and done, and (3) your loved one is a much better place.

Remember PAIN is only reserved for the LIVING. Because you are still alive you will continue to suffer in grief. Since your loved one has died (I never use that word "passed"--they DIED), their ordeal of life is over so they are in a much better place. Grieve for yourself, but be comforted everyday we wake up we are one step closer to the grave. This is strangely comforting for me. And go on with your business of living....

After 15 years of caregiving with mom the center of my life, her suddenly not being with me traumatized me, but I am recovering from her death still, working a job and pursuing my Master's degree. I also no longer have to worry about her. I also know God killed my mom. I had nothing to do with her death because her other diseases killed her (insulin-dependent diabetes, kidney disease, liver disease). Mom's feeding tube kept her needs met and I spared her from dying of dehydration which can take weeks.

Mom was on hospice for 2 years but not once did she ever need narcotics or psychotropics. I used them like a home clinic and to give me supplies such as diapers, gloves and ointments, and renew her routine medications which was insulin and lopressor (that's all she took), and LACTULOSE for her bowels. Lactulose is kidney-disease friendly. Never give laxatives that have magnesium or phosphates with people with kidney disease because they cannot excrete them.

----I also gave mom routine oral care because clean mouth is essential to prevent pneumonia. Bacteria accumulates in the mouth even with tube feeding and if that is aspirated it can cause pneumonia. Clean teeth and mouth is ESSENTIAL for care for the elderly just to prevent aspiration pneumonia and helps control diabetes.

There are many things that I regret, most of which are sins of omission rather than commission. Intellectually, I know that the only way to fix it all is to turn back the clock, and that's not possible - so I'm dealing with it the best that I can.

But as some others here have mentioned, what gives me the most heartache is the night my Mama died. She had declined rapidly over the last week of her life, and I went to see her every day - sitting outside her window for hours on end, even though it was bitterly cold.

The day she died, I was allowed to visit her at her bedside. She was on morphine and Ativan by then, so I don't know if she was even aware that I was there. But I held her hand, and spoke to her of many of the wonderful things she had done for us as children, and later into adulthood. I told her how much I loved her. And then I recited the little prayer to her that she used to say to us when we were little:

Good night,
Sleep tight,
Sweet dreams,
God bless you,
And I love you with all my heart.

It was already growing dark outside, so I went home. About 45 minutes later, the nurse called me. My mama was gone. I returned to the nursing home and sat with her body for another hour, until the funeral director came. I talked to her, and smoothed her hair and stroked her cheek many times, but it was too late. I had failed to fulfill my mama's last wish - that I would be sitting with her, holding her hand, when she went.

It's been exactly one month since Mama died. Perhaps my wretched feeling of having failed her will pass in time, but for the moment, I suspect that it will be with me for the remainder of my life.

My Mum was 93 very independent and insisted on living alone. My sister and I had a conversation about her time was coming and it would be a happy release for her. We were both exhausted trying to share her care day and night, After she passed away I could not believe that I actually said it would be the best for her,, really meaning us I think. I was so depressed after her death I did not want to even get out of bed and had to force myself to do it. I regret that I did not seek counselling because it was over 2 years before I began to feel anything like normal again. My poor, kind husband really had a rough time with me. I did not sleep and dreamed all the time about ''the old days''. I urge anyone who loses a dear one to get counselling as soon as they can.

I think having regrets is normal. I know I did for a long time and still have some every now and then. I lost my dad almost 20 years ago to cancer. I wasn’t his caregiver, as he didn’t need that. He was still fairly young, only in his fifties. My stepmom provided what little help he might’ve needed, like driving him to chemo or whatever. I regretted not spending enough time with him. But it never would’ve been enough for me. Regrets are normal no matter what you do. I regretted leaving the hospital the night he died. Truth is though, he wouldn’t have wanted me there seeing him die. He probably would’ve held on until I left the room. I wondered if he knew that I loved him. I now believe he knew. I do and always will regret not having my kids before he died. I had my first child five years later. There is nothing I can do about that though. My kids wish they’d known him. They wish they had a grandfather. Their friends talk about their grandfathers and it makes them sad because they don’t have even one grandpa. So there will always be regrets, even over things you have no control over. It is totally normal.

The way I see it--if something such as not having stayed as long as your mother wanted you to stay the day you were weary, or some other small choice having nothing to do with healthcare had any influence in causing her death (or unconsciousness), then her situation was so fragile that if it didn't happen then, it probably would have happened the next day, week, or at the longest a month. Unless a person is "actively dying" or what is euphemistically called "transitioning", one cannot know when death will occur, and even in THAT situation there could be a range of hours or days.

If the question is simply a matter of having missed the opportunity for additional time spent together, then there STILL was no way to know that would be the case unless you went away on vacation (or wherever) if/when your mother was actively dying. "Coulda, woulda, shouldas" are meaningless when something generally as unpredictable as death (or loss of consciousness, as in this case) is involved.

So Dec 10th my 98 yr old MIL passed from days in rehab facility /home. 3 weeks earlier she was walking from one end of the block to another with walker and PT. Well she fell down the stairs holding old bills in her hand, not able to grab hold of the banister. She couldn't ask 1 of 4 of us home for them, one because she can't see and they were 6 years old hidden somewhere. So as she snuck them up she fell. Hit her head small lump but it shook up everything normal. After that she just would scream to get out. Or one of her sons names. But we couldn't see in hospital. Soon she was moved to rehab. But they didn't move her they sat her in front of desk 2 x's she fell out of wheelchair, because they couldn't restrain her? Then next week her voice getting raspy it was almost impossible to get to find out or speak to her. But the day I did I wondered why no respiratory therapy was done. She couldn't swallow anymore the food i was bringing couldn't stay in room. Spoke to cook also dietician Covid made it impossible for me to care for her. And I regret not taking her home sooner by the time the POA in NC did anything she came home to die the next day. My only thing I am happy about she new I was going to get her home to pass, like we promised but came close. I can't stop thinking since I knew what she ate or just her ways in general I feel it was a death sentence sending her there. Especially during covid. But she died in her sleep at home like we promised. Thank goodness.

All we can do is our best with what we know in any particular moment. You have to give yourself some grace, and know you did the best you could in that moment and forgive yourself and move on. Life is full of could have, would have should have moments and we live in a world that lives to criticize everyone else’s choices. Sometimes we do that to ourselves. Hindsight is 20/20 and sometimes we don’t have all the information when we have to make a choice. You had been in a caregiving meeting, and your body and brain were exhausted. Caregiving is hard work. There is nothing wrong with the choice you made.

About a week before my mother died, she had an bathroom accident, and managed to make a huge mess, which ended up with her on the floor, half undressed, and fecal matter all over her living room (?). She was so befuddled by that point, with her breathing being so terrible from the CHF and not enough oxygen to her brain, that she had no idea how any of that had come to pass. I had to get her up from the floor (she absolutely was mortified at the thought of anyone seeing her in that state, which I can understand), get her into the shower to clean her up, and then sanitize the entire area. Needless to say, I was somewhat less than patient with the situation, even though I knew, logically, that this wasn't something she did on purpose to make my life hard. But I let emotions carry the day, and I was not as compassionate as I wish now that I had been.
But, last week I had the strangest dream about my mom - that she had come back to life (think full body resurrection!) and had come back home. I told her that I was so sorry, that I had started getting her estate in order, I had cleaned out her closets, etc - in my dream , I felt terrible about it, I told her I had no idea she would be back - and she told me "no, that's what you should have done. You did everything you were supposed to. Just how I taught you to do it. You don't have anything to feel guilty about. But now I need you to order me some new clothes from Blair" (one of her "go-to catalogs). So, strange as it sounds, I don't feel quite so guilty about things. I have told myself that maybe that's my mom's way of telling me to forgive myself, that life continues for everyone in some way or another. Maybe I'm reading into it too much, and it really was just a dream, but it has helped me cope.

hello.

this sounds so simplistic but it’s worked for me.

when i realize that im involved in thinking sad thoughts ... it can take a minute or so sometimes ... i say STOP IT !!! very sharply and silently to myself. Then i move a body part ... open/close my eyes, arm, foot, something. I think consciously of what im doing when i do it. It can be subtle or able to be seen. Depends on who’s around and how obvious i want to be. Usually im in bed just before i go to sleep but sometimes i think about the sad events during the day.

moving in some way has been essential.

then i think of s-o-m-e-thing benign ... a-n-y-thing i enjoy and elaborate on it in some way.

I enjoy knitting and usually think of what im making ... make it longer, put on trim.

theres always something to think of.

i hope this helps. Best wishes to you :)

Yes. I do too. But each time I feel regret, I remind myself that I did everything to the best of my ability at the time. As you said when you recounted your memory, you were exhausted. That day, you did the best you could do because you were very tired. There are many things that I wish I had done differently. I am a perfectionist who tries to learn from her experiences. But at some point you have to love yourself unconditionally, as your mom likely loved you. There is a universality about what you are feeling. It is a form of grieving. Who knows? Your mom may have felt the same way as you about her mom! The best takeaway from this experience of caregiving and loss is to live as mindfully as possible in the moment and to understand that it is okay to grieve and miss your mom, but with that said, it's time to be kind to yourself, let go of regrets, and savor your life in the here and now. That is the lesson learned from your memory.

Regret even seeing the photos shared to family at his last struggle.
I feel if one is in their bed, actively dying, it should be private,
not a social media event.
Then, seeing the photo of him him dead.
Not knowing what to do with these last photos.