About a week after I transferred my father to private-pay memory care facility, my 47-year-old sister with Down Syndrome finally felt safe enough from him to share with me that he molested her from the time she was in elementary school. She is well-supported, in therapy, and I'm doing what I can for her.
Meanwhile, I'm trying to figure out how to deal with him. As POA, I'm in the process of selling our parents' home. At first the plan was to use the sale to afford their health care needs (my mother is in end-stage Alzheimer's). Now I'd like to have him rot in the worst, most disgusting nursing home imaginable and not pay a penny more for his care. He's too far gone to be competent for trial, and I don't think that would be good for my sister's recovery process. FWIW, he was also emotionally abusive and an alcoholic.
They have a wonderful elder care lawyer; but I worry she's going to have to protect him as she's technically his lawyer, not mine. Any thoughts on how to have the state take responsibility or some other option?
How can I protect some of what remain of their assets for my sister and me and wash my hands of this monster? (I already know about Supplemental Needs Trusts for her, but that doesn't necessarily solve everything.) What are my options?
I am trustee to a Special Needs trust. My nephew, disabled, received life insurance from his Mom. To be able to get help, I was advised to put that money in a Special Needs Trust. It is very limited in what it can be used for. Can't be used for lodging, food or utilities. Because you can get help for them. If your sister gets help with Medicaid, it will revert to Medicaid upon her passing. They will recover what is owed, if money left, that goes to the beneficiary listed.
Your sister should be getting Social Security Disability. She maybe entitled to Supplimental income (SSI ). With SSI, Medicaid for health comes with it. You need to talk to Social Services about this. Maybe other resources sister maybe entitled to. I contacted Disabilities in my County and got rent help for my nephew. He has a Coordinator and an aide once a week to take him to appts, shopping or just hang out. He does light cleaning and can help nephew with things like bathing.
you should speak with an elder law attorney, I prefer and recommend, using a certified elder law attorney, www.nelf.org and search your area for CELA. They are more versed in senior laws, ime. You might be able to separate the money for moms care, dad's care and sisters special needs trust, thereby protecting the money his care might eat up.
Prayers for you and your family, tough, tough, tough place to stand in. I want to encourage you to breathe and process emotions before you do anything, you will deal better with everything for it, promise. Great big warm hugs!
Are you his POA?
If so, speak with the elder law attorney about resigning before the court if you wish to.
If you are already guardian it is unlikely that any attorney will allow you to resign, but if he has money you can use that money for a fiduciary and see him as little as possible until he dies.
I have had experience more than several decades ago, when "recovered memories" became briefly rampant in the Therapeutic community in San Francisco, with some having "recovered memories" that were eventually proven to be "false" and an outcome of some very questionable therapist. This was predominantly in a community that worked primarily with gay women. One case involved quite a famous comedian in fact. That's kind of neither here nor there; your immediate acceptance of this may mean you saw clear evidence of it during your childhood. But I leave all of that to your own mind.
I am very, very sorry for all this pain. But as I said, for all intents and purposes your father died some time ago, and the husk left is no longer him. There may be some sad comfort in that.
If your current attorney is uncomfortable discussing this with you, get another.
Between us all there are probably things people don’t share with their families so as to not blow things up.