My father has been living in his AL MC facility for around three years now. I only recently took over the role as a primary advocate. My mother passed away earlier this year. So earlier last week I saw my dad flirting and kissing multiple female residents. I spoke with the staff and they told me that is how my dad has been and they don't get complaints so it is all good. Idk this does not sit right with me, should I try to address it. My father is young and old he is 68. I know my dad has always been a ladies man. He cheated on my mom a few times so this behavior is not exactly out of pocket for him. The staff seem to be aware and okay with it. So I guess it is okay no?
It doesn’t matter if people are “having fun” , “enjoying closeness”or however we want to categorize what is going on.
No consent? Assault.
There is no way that she could give consent.
I would be quite upset if she were assaulted this way.
No consent = Assault
The MC MUST redirect him.
I don't see a problem here.
I think your father has had enough losses for a lifetime if at the young age of 68 he is already in care. I would let him be unless there is a problem. Your mom is gone and cannot be hurt by this behavior now.
It is, you should understand, exceptionally common, and somewhat a comfort to my mind that special loving friendships and flirtations consider in care forever in many circumstances. Often visiting husbands of wives have to accept the new love as the one the person with dementia believes is their spouse. It takes courage, but the person is no longer the person they were known to be throughout a lifetime. As Oliver Sacks says "They have a whole entire world; it just isn't YOUR world".
This is all just my opinion and you may see it differently, but I am not certain you can DO much about that, after all?
There is medication for ALZ patients to control this. Please speak with his doctor.
I see a lawsuit waiting to happen.
This could be a law suit for the facility - although this is a very common concern and staff 'should know' how to manage / deal with it.
My concern would be, in addition to being inappropriate (if it is ...) is some females may either not be able to assert themselves / needs / desires and others with dementia could easily be taken advantage, too.
For staff to respond to you 'they don't get complaints' tells me that they:
* do not discuss with administrator
* do not know how to manage these situations
* do not have the experience / mindfulness to understand that some residents are vulnerable and unable to set boundaries - which should be 101 for facility staff/managers / administrator.
If you are okay, then so be it. Or perhaps your last sentence/question says that you do not know how to proceed, if at all.
It sounds like you are deferring to staff (whoever you spoke to).
If you are okay with this, then there is no issue - for you and/or your dad. He will continue to have a good time. However, what IF / when (if not already) he takes this a few steps further and ends up in someone's bed?
If it were me, I would be MORE CONCERNED with the female residents - and see it as a major RED FLAG that they do not consider how female residents need protection due to vulnerabilities and feeling confused and/or lonely or both.
And, who knows ... if a female resident's family member files a complaint, you/r dad may be sued and/or held accountable along with the facility.
I would also consider calling the facility's licensing board and see what they say. I believe (?) there 'must' be some clear guidelines / rules and regulations that facilities need to follow in these matters.
The challenge, too, is realizing that as a person ages - does this mean that they are not entitled / allowed to have some intimacy / fun, etc.? If not a relationship in a facility.
Perhaps the issue is one of staff / administrator
- OBSERVING this behavior more closer;
- talking to females residents about it
- as well talk to female residents' family member(s) and see how they feel about it.
It seems like the facility management needs to take more of an active role in many ways. At the very least, I would bring up your concerns with the administrator.
You will also need to consider that if you dad causes any problems in this area that he may be asked to leave. You want to deal with this before it may get to that point, or have another resident's family file a complaint.
Gena / Touch Matters
I would send a note to inform his doctor that he should be tested for STD's the next time he is in for any reason. (easy to send a note if you have access to his medical Portal)
I see no need to bring up the conversation with your dad.
If there are complaints though be prepared to have this conversation. There are some family members of other residents that might not look on this so calmly.
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