Asking for some advice- not sure what to do.
Moved in with my 78 year old grandmother after my grandfather passed away 8 months ago. My fiance and I have a 15 month old daughter.
Didn’t realize my grandmother had early dementia, but now starting to think that is our main issue.
Since we moved in she has been very firm with us about not being able to change anything in the house. Thought it was just grief and being attached to things but now realize it’s a bigger problem.
Biggest problem is her not understanding that a lot of things we were asking had to do with the safety of our daughter (Can you please keep the cup of candy on a high shelf and not the coffee table so she can’t grab them and choke?) So when she said no, we were very upset about it. Thinking it’s dementia since any normal person would understand that.
I’ve been a lot better with her recently, but she’s holding it against me that I wasn’t nice to her in the beginning.
I don’t want to keep damaging my relationship with my fiance because of this.
Things have been slightly better, but not sure if they will improve more or not.
Should we put more time/money into the house or just move out now?
In such debate.
Move OUT before your toddler tells MY story one day, God forbid.
Was it more a chance to get low rent? Because it doesn't seem to be in the best interest of Grandma.
But, If Grandma is having health issues, have you taken her to the doctor? Is she in need of a caregiver? Have you set up anything that is for HER benefit since you moved into HER home?
Curious why it is not in her best interest?
She has vision problems and I do take her to her eye doctors. We buy her some of her groceries when we can, have dinner with her (cooked or takeout), do things around the house to help take care of it. We help her with issues she may have on the computer and stuff.
She doesn’t need a caretaker exactly but needs help. If we didnt provide dinners not sure she would eat, she forgets to often and has lost a significant amount of weight (I’m sure that’s stress and grief too)
Ive been trying to spend more time one on one with her, ask her to do things together. She always seems to be busy doing something and never has time for me and that hurts.
But you’re right, I need to do more things for her benefit ! Didn’t think of that- will try.
Good luck .
I suggest moving OUT.
When we start a family of our own, they come first. You need to begin adulting by getting a place of your own. What about Grandma? Well, you aren't in any position to become a caregiver to someone who is going to need the level of care that she will. You need to make up your mind that she or someone else will have to take care of her. Then leave.
Spend your money on your own place. I hope you find one that can be a real home for you, him, and daughter.
This is her home. She has a right to make her own decisions. If there was no understanding before you moved in, as to how things would go, what shared living expenses would be, and etc. then that was a mistake.
You say you now understand, after living here for some time, that there is some dementia involved.
I would caution you to move out again. I cannot know what your arrangements are/were, but this is the time to get out of there, frankly, before you become responsible in some way without any power to act for yourself.
Simply give your grandmother the date on which you will be leaving.
If, after leaving, you are concerned for her well-being, then I would report her to APS as a senior at risk.
This isn't your responsibility at present. I would caution you against assuming any said responsibility unless you are well qualified to assume it.
You are too old to be living with your grandmother.
Thirties you should be on your own with your family building your future, not living with her in her life.
This is not a healthy situation, and where are her children in all of this? Why are you feeling responsible for your grandmother?
Step back start making changes in your life get it back on track.
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