I am trying to get my mom active and have fun, she will even tell anyone that she is lazy and wants to do better than she is, but I don't seem to be able to get her to do what she says she wants to do, the doctor said she is to wear a knee brace every day and she refuses to do so, which will keep her from falling. I have been a caregiver for over 20 years. I don't understand what I am doing wrong?
I'd also consider if they have dementia. With dementia, comes all kinds of things, like loss of initiative. This is a biggie, from what I have seen. They just lose the ability to consider what they want to do and get up and do it. It's not their fault or yours. It's brain damage. I'd read a lot about dementia and how it manifests itself in the daily lives of the patient.
Also, consider that when a person has cognitive decline or dementia, they may be hesitant to go out into the public or to visit friends, because they forget things, get confused or embarrass themselves due to the dementia. This may make them inclined to stay at home where they feel safer.
My LO used to beg me to go with her to make purchases and I didn't understand why. Later, I realized that she needed my help. Her dementia later kept her housebound.
My LO used to refuse to use her cane, even though she needed it. She could not give an explanation as to why. After several falls, it became clear that she didn't have the ability to use reason, get the cane and use it. She needed direct supervision to instruct on the usage of the cane. (By this time she needed a walker.)
I think part of it is related to her dementia. She just can't seem to plan. She knows about the happy hours they have with live music. But she doesn't remember they are going to happen, and forgets to look at the daily schedule that is posted on her door. So she just sits and watches TV.
Then again, trying a new thing is hard for anybody. For somebody who can't walk well, and whose mind doesn't work well , it would be extra hard to get up the energy to start something new. So I sympathize with her on that.
So I don't have any answers. In my case I'm hoping with time that Mom will start adding activities into her daily routine. Hope you figure something out. But I don't think you are doing anything wrong, I think it is just tough for your Mom to do things.
You would like your mother to be more active, do what's good for her, and have fun.
What would your mother like?
All my working life I looked forward to a time when I could sit around reading books and listening to classical music. Maybe even in bed some days. That is what I did on vacations. It was nice to have new restaurants to try and to sit by a window and see mountains (!) and to just be able to read when I wanted to.
Now I'm retired, from a career, from caregiving, from following very young grandkids. I can read almost as much as I want!! And I do. I have to stop and wash a load of "lounge wear" once in a while, and to bake some cookies, but I am pretty much as active as I want to be (which isn't much). If my kids got concerned and wanted me to be more active, do things that are good for me, and have "fun" I think I would resist them, except maybe the having fun part. A DIL invites me along on periodic ice cream runs with a group of her friends. She does not lecture me about how many carbs are in ice cream and ask if I've taken enough insulin. She trusts me to make my own decisions about what is "good for me." She just encourages some fun.
I have absolutely no idea whether any of this applies to your mother, Sharon. But it is worth considering whether your idea matches her idea of "fun." MAYBE some adjustment to the things you want her to do is in order.
One caveat, though. If her normal motivation is impaired -- she has depression, or dementia, for example -- getting that impairment addressed is worth doing.
We all try to get her out of the house for a drive for fresh air and see different things or go to a sister's house. Once, she looked at me and softly said, "I just want to be left alone."
Depression? Maybe. She's on a med for depression. But I believe she's aware how close she is to the end of her life even with her deep dementia. We'll gently encourage, but if she says no, we let it go. By gosh, to all us girls she's earned the right to do whatever or nothing she wants to do.
I wouldn't care if he was bored if it weren't for those two things- wasting so much $$$ and now drinking, and sometimes driving afterwards. The boredom is his own fault.