She has dementia and still insists on controling her own finances, housekeeping, yard, etc. Dad is very agreeable to whatever she says but he has CHF and is becoming very weak. They are 83 and 88 and she has early dementia and is becoming very defiant about help. The only thing she'll allow me to help with is Drs and medicines. The yard is overgrown and the house is dirty. She hasn't vacummed in months. Any ideas?
About the upkeep of the house, it was easier for me because it was just my dad, but I would send him out to the store and to get a cup of coffee while I did a quick cleaning. The place is still pretty gross most of the time, but I can get at the bigger messes that way. Your dad might not object to you doing some housekeeping while your mom is out.
Best of luck, I understand your frustration firsthand.
On the other items, when my Mom started to exhibit memory care issues, I started with the medical bills. "Mom, it's so complicated with Medicare and the 2nd insurance. Why don't you just pile up the statements and I'll let you know the final amount you owe. After she checked with her friends and found that all of their children were handling this, she easily let go. After a while, I went to the other stuff. When I got a live-in for her, I removed all of the financial documents in the house (while she was in the bathroom - little by little) and changed the mailing address for these items to my house.
If resources are there, just hire someone to come and do the yard. Part of dementia is an inability to focus and problem solve. Truly, we become the parents. While there is some level of awareness, make sure the proper paper work is done --- power of attorney, medical decision maker, wills etc. You might find it shocking how quickly someone can go down hill, I did. Good luck
Not suggesting you use the exact words, but you get the idea. She may be on guard now, so maybe just focus on the yard and having it done by hired help.
You might want to check out the Alz website and see what suggestions they have.
Good luck, Cattails