My parents live with me and my family. I still have two children at home. My mother who is 70 has severe osteoporosis and therefore has brakes quite often. However she still has most of mobility. My dad literally waits on her hand and foot and expects the rest of us to do it as well. She is also diabetic and refuses to eat right. She just got out of the hospital because her kidneys were infected. There for a 3 week period or so she was flat on her back in the bed. Not because she couldn't get up. I really don't know why. Anyway she wouldn't even get up to go to the bathroom so she used a bed pan and my dad was out one day so she had me come in there and help her. She actually wanted me to wipe her off when she was done. Not because she couldnt. I just don't know what to do anymore. Then I'm the bad daughter for not wanting to do this stuff for her and not wanting to go spend my entire day at her bedside. I still have a family at home to take care of. The other day she came in the kitchen in her scooter and asked me to get her something to drink with ice. Well I was in the middle of making myself something to eat and we have one of those refrigerators with ice in the door. She actually wanted me to get her a soda and I didn't but got a her a juice instead. Anyway it's just stuff like that , that she can obviously do herself. I don't know what to do anymore and am so frustrated. My other sisters won't really have much to do with her so it's all left to me. And you can't even mention nursing home or assisted living without them getting upset.
Tired - your parents live with you. You parents need to adapt to your family dynamics. For example, if you've cooked a healthy meal for your family then your parents can choose to partake or go out to a restaurant instead if they don't like your meal. You are not a short-order cook and your kitchen is not a diner.
It doesn't really matter what your siblings say because your parents live with you, not them. Family members can be clueless when it comes to the reality of being a caregiver.
That said, wiping your mother up when she can do it herself is an uncomfortable position to be put. If your mother won't take care of herself then it's time to start talking with your parents about assisted living where they can hire as much help as they want. I think you are doing the right thing by not enabling them.
She took to her bed, after breaking her foot and refused to get up, even though she could. For some unknown reason, she wanted to lay in bed in a diaper. She wanted inhome health care workers to bathe and change her. She wanted me to bring her her meals on a tray. It was bizarre. I discussed it with the home healthcare workers and physical therapist, and they said she was lazy and unmotivated. HOWEVER, that is not what it was. It was dementia. She went downhill in steps after that and now has severe dementia. I now wish that I had known what was happening. If I had taken her to a neurologist or psychiatrist, perhaps they would have spotted the problem earlier.
I would rule out actual medical reasons for her behavior, before you settle on it being a choice on her part.
It can be easier to do things for them than it is to encourage them to do it for themselves. However, it isn't good for them or their caregivers. Pretty soon they may not be doing anything for themselves and the caregivers are overloaded and resentful.
My mother is not in very good shape. She has multiple problems, including dementia, diabetes, and spinal stenosis. Still she prepares her own breakfast and lunch and does her laundry. She gets her own drinks and snacks. She is used to doing these things. It takes a huge burden off of me. If I had started doing them, I would have had to keep doing them. It is well worthwhile to encourage them to do what they can.