Hi you've been so helpful, I'm back for more advice. Mom has CHF with water restriction, sodium restriction, dementia, diabetes, afib & other diagnosis but the CHF & dementia are the two primarily at odds. My siblings have gotten wind that I'm getting a reverse mortgage(by the way still having issues w/POA & trust), to pay for care.They are of the mind mom doesn't need help. She seems physically able to manage but mentally cannot restrict her fluids, weigh & BP before food & water in the morning, or schedule her own medications & take them. I know as POA both medical & financial & successor trustee, I don't need their approval. Guess I'm looking for magic words to convey the need to self centered adults. My brother is coming this Saturday thru Monday to "give me a break". I know he's coming to assess the situation. Besides the fact my mother will be fawning all over him & insisting on cooking for him, I'm also worried he won't follow the water restriction even though he says he will. He says he will cook, weigh her, take her vitals & give her meds. I foresee her being very well. She won't be able to follow through on her meds & schedule on her own but the rest she can fake. Especially if he wants to see that she's fine. Other brothers will also be coming over to BBQ, have some beer, that's what one told me. Told him remember mom can't eat salt or drink beer. He said then we'll go out. Told him mom can't be left alone & he said "she'll be fine for a bit". That's not the one that's coming to care for her. Mom can move around the house w/Walker but if she sits on couch 8/10 times can't pull herself up & she can't remember not to sit on the couch. Mostly forgets Walker & I have to grab it for her when she's standing in the middle of the room wobbly with nothing to hold onto. I guess I would rather they would agree with me than be at odds for the next years. It's the inheritance they're concerned about. The home is her only asset. Any magic words? Actions?
I can't answer your question. I failed to communicate the need effectively. It was a disaster. My mother returned from her visit to my brother's home physically wrecked.
A good friend of mine did a similar "let's give you a break" exercise for his brother and SIL. In my friend's custody, his mother fell and broke her hip - first step from independent living at home to nursing home care.
If she falls, your brother will be held responsible.
If her kidney function collapses, responsible.
If her heart function deteriorates, responsible.
If she strokes, responsible.
I don't know how, I couldn't find them, but you are looking for the words that will convey what the risks are in a way that makes them understand them and comply with your instructions.
"She'll be fine for a bit" is not a good start. My heart sinks for you.
They can't possibly understand unless they live your life with your mom's needs. Your brothers want to come to "give you the break" so enjoy the break fully. Then after your return, watch very carefully how she is doing. If she has negative effects from their time alone with her, you'll know you can't leave her anymore with brothers in charge. You still need breaks. So hire a private duty caregiver to care responsibility for her while you take future breaks.
And, sometimes it is inevitable and very helpful that we stop trying to make things perfect. I don't mean that in a bad way--I mean it in a self-preserving and loving-to-others way. You can take care of your mom, get help from your brothers even if they do a less than perfect job, or a nurse, and life goes on.
Caregivers often feel they have to do everything to their very utmost. That is hard to keep up over the long haul.
There is a difference between "doing our best" and "doing what we can." We can do what we can for a lot longer.
I agree with Aimeejo55. Do what you need to for your mom and forget the rest. (But whatever you do, don't forget about yourself and your own needs.) Why not take the siblings with you to tour a local rehab center so they can see what happens to elderly people who have falls, infections, etc. It takes a split second to get into those places and months to get out of them. And not everyone gets out of them.
With the RM you can start hiring in professional help which is exactly what your Mom needs.
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