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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Your profile says you are "treated as an employee rather than a daughter by your mom" and it's been like that since you were a child.
1) Realize that this treatment is not going to change.
2) OK. So you're an employee, not a daughter. You're being treated like a paid caregiver. So are you actually being paid? If so, do you know ANYONE in the world who does their paid job 24/7? Do you know of people who have a paying job and are responsible to also find their own replacement - as well as PAY for said replacement out of their own money- when they have days off? No? Neither do I.
So here's my advice: If your family insists on treating you like a paid employee, then make them realize that that pendulum swings both ways. See an attorney and have a caregiving contract drawn up - one that includes a set, hourly schedule (with time over the schedule= paid overtime), days off, vacation time, etc. as well as taxes being withheld, social security/FICA withholdings, etc. And make sure that a *very* clear stipulation in that contract is that the EMPLOYER (mom, sibs, whatever) is responsible to find/screen/hire/pay any replacement/respite care that is needed.
NOW - if you're living with mom, in order to really make this work, you will need to move out; so long as you live under her roof - especially if you do not pay rent or anything towards the household bills - this caregiving will be viewed as a quid pro quo scenario by your family - ie. you live for free/reduced cost in exchange for taking care of mom. It's actually how a lot of people end up in your very situation, and it never, ever ends well for the caregiver. Once the person in need of care no longer needs that care in their home - be it placement into a facility, move into another sibling's home or death - the person who was bartering living expenses for caregiving finds themselves out of a home and with limited job opportunities.
You're the one who is going to have to decide which decision - move out and treat this as a job or stay with mom at a greatly reduced MONETARY cost and continue in this pattern - is best for you.
Lol well if their the same as my siblings then hell yeah. Mine expected me to move my mom into my home, pay for an addition, take care of everything as I always do and ask their permission on how everything is handled. I cut them off. And out.
Avarose, please could you give some more details about all this, because it's confusing. It reads as though you are living in Mother’s house with her, and the siblings are doing the line that your ‘free accommodation’ is the ‘payment’ for care. It does NOT sound as though any care they have done has been on a paid basis. It's possible that you are getting paid, but how much? Just food and pocket money is totally unreasonable.
You owe nothing to your siblings, and very little to your mother. You were “treated like an employee by my mom instead of her daughter and this have always been this way since I was younger”.
You need to get out of this situation, with no guilt on your part at all. It doesn't matter what you agreed to in the past, this is outrageous. Don’t wait for ‘permission’ or encouragement. Suggestions: Just go away for your night off, making no arrangements except to tell mother and the siblings it’s on them. They’ll all cope. Plus, find out the cost of the ‘relief’ you were supposed to arrange and pay for, and tell mother that’s what you need to be paid from now on. Plus, suggest that it’s time for mother to consider moving to a care facility, as you are intending to leave in three months time.
If this all seems too hard, book a session with a counselor to get a third person’s view on how to look after yourself! This is no way to live, or to make your own financial preparations for your own old age.
I am not getting paid neither am I living with my mom, I have an apartment which I am not giving up. The decision we made was that each one of us would take turn spending the night because she can't be left alone but I am there every night. I am not complaining about taking care of mom,, after all she's our mom and we are supposed to take care of her. What gets me upset is my brother and sister is not honoring the agreement. And oh, I spend my own money on me and mom.
Thank you all for your response, here's my answer. 1-all 4 of us made the decision to keep mom in her appointment and we take turn staying the night with her, that never happened because "we are busy". 2-I have my own apartment which I only slept in 1 night in a whole year. 3- I do not get paid, (I have a little more money than my siblings, I worked very hard and saved for, and I don't go around saying what I don't have), they think that I don't need to be paid...I buy my own food, mom's money is spent on supplies for her.
If you have your own place to live and money saved, your way forward is much easier. Notify mom and sibs that as of *whatever date* (and were it me, I would make that date sooner rather than later) you will be moving BACK into your apartment, and they (mom and sibs) will have to have a discussion and plan on going forward with caregiving plans for mom, be it placement, hired help, or sibs start "stepping up" and staying with mom.
But make it clear that you, yourself, will NOT be the solution to the problem.
You must realize that your situation, as it stands, is not tenable. Your money will not last forever if you are no longer working; if you are working, your health will not last with no respite from caregiving.
You are only as trapped as you allow yourself to be. You are in a far better position than a lot of people here; please take advantage of it while you still can.
Was your agreement that you and your siblings would share the responsibility for your mom's care? If so, they need to step up and take care of her so that you can have time away. If they agreed to share in the care and are not reneging on that agreement, hire someone and send them the bill (don't hold your breath for payment). If there was no such agreement that they would help with care, then hire someone and have mom pay for that.
I'm wondering if there's a lot more to the unfairness than what you posted above. From your profile: "I gave my living to come and help my brother's and sister with my mom over 1 year now..but it turns out to be only me full-time.."
You gave up your living (job?) to take care of your mother? Does she pay you? Why did you do this? How old are you? Do you have retirement savings? Health insurance?
What is your mother's financial situation? Are you satisfied to be the 24/7/365 caregiving slave? You wrote your mother treats you like an employee. Well, are you an employee? Or are you allowing her to take advantage of you?
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
1) Realize that this treatment is not going to change.
2) OK. So you're an employee, not a daughter. You're being treated like a paid caregiver. So are you actually being paid? If so, do you know ANYONE in the world who does their paid job 24/7? Do you know of people who have a paying job and are responsible to also find their own replacement - as well as PAY for said replacement out of their own money- when they have days off? No? Neither do I.
So here's my advice: If your family insists on treating you like a paid employee, then make them realize that that pendulum swings both ways. See an attorney and have a caregiving contract drawn up - one that includes a set, hourly schedule (with time over the schedule= paid overtime), days off, vacation time, etc. as well as taxes being withheld, social security/FICA withholdings, etc. And make sure that a *very* clear stipulation in that contract is that the EMPLOYER (mom, sibs, whatever) is responsible to find/screen/hire/pay any replacement/respite care that is needed.
NOW - if you're living with mom, in order to really make this work, you will need to move out; so long as you live under her roof - especially if you do not pay rent or anything towards the household bills - this caregiving will be viewed as a quid pro quo scenario by your family - ie. you live for free/reduced cost in exchange for taking care of mom. It's actually how a lot of people end up in your very situation, and it never, ever ends well for the caregiver. Once the person in need of care no longer needs that care in their home - be it placement into a facility, move into another sibling's home or death - the person who was bartering living expenses for caregiving finds themselves out of a home and with limited job opportunities.
You're the one who is going to have to decide which decision - move out and treat this as a job or stay with mom at a greatly reduced MONETARY cost and continue in this pattern - is best for you.
Good luck.
You are being used as a doormat and it's time to stand up and leave them to figure this out.
You owe nothing to your siblings, and very little to your mother. You were “treated like an employee by my mom instead of her daughter and this have always been this way since I was younger”.
You need to get out of this situation, with no guilt on your part at all. It doesn't matter what you agreed to in the past, this is outrageous. Don’t wait for ‘permission’ or encouragement. Suggestions: Just go away for your night off, making no arrangements except to tell mother and the siblings it’s on them. They’ll all cope. Plus, find out the cost of the ‘relief’ you were supposed to arrange and pay for, and tell mother that’s what you need to be paid from now on. Plus, suggest that it’s time for mother to consider moving to a care facility, as you are intending to leave in three months time.
If this all seems too hard, book a session with a counselor to get a third person’s view on how to look after yourself! This is no way to live, or to make your own financial preparations for your own old age.
1-all 4 of us made the decision to keep mom in her appointment and we take turn staying the night with her, that never happened because "we are busy".
2-I have my own apartment which I only slept in 1 night in a whole year.
3- I do not get paid, (I have a little more money than my siblings, I worked very hard and saved for, and I don't go around saying what I don't have), they think that I don't need to be paid...I buy my own food, mom's money is spent on supplies for her.
But make it clear that you, yourself, will NOT be the solution to the problem.
You must realize that your situation, as it stands, is not tenable. Your money will not last forever if you are no longer working; if you are working, your health will not last with no respite from caregiving.
You are only as trapped as you allow yourself to be. You are in a far better position than a lot of people here; please take advantage of it while you still can.
Good luck!
Then it would be on you and/or the employer (the mom) to arrange the respite care and for you to pay it out of your PTO or get mom to.
You gave up your living (job?) to take care of your mother? Does she pay you? Why did you do this? How old are you? Do you have retirement savings? Health insurance?
What is your mother's financial situation? Are you satisfied to be the 24/7/365 caregiving slave? You wrote your mother treats you like an employee. Well, are you an employee? Or are you allowing her to take advantage of you?
Who is your mother's POA/HCPOA?
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