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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Parent violent, hitting, screaming. 57y/o son caring for 85 y/o mother. Wants me out of house, nowhere to go, and out of money. Where can I go for help?
Wow! Hard to respond to this without knowing more. Has Mom always been violent? Is this a new phenomenon? Could something be going on with her medically or psychologically to cause her to suddenly become violent?
If this is new, get Mom to a doctor, ASAP. If this is an old pattern, I think you need to call Adult Protective Services in your area. Not only for you, but to have them assess her needs and follow up with her in the event you leave the home.
There are always homeless shelters, with social workers who can point you in the right direction for services. But make sure APS knows that your mother, who needs care, is being left behind.
CarlaCB-she's been violent for awhile. She is being spurred on by my narcissist sister who believes her delusions. Narcissistic Personality Disorder seems their common bond. I'll go so Social Services/APS today. The family blames me for her rage, and doesn't see her behavior in person like I do. Have pictures of my injuries. I hope that helps SS/APS to believe me.
That's a 50/50 shot. The police could take me, not her. If she says she feels threatened by me, they take me, not her. Even if they take her for a psych-eval, she'd be back in 72 hours and things would be even worse. They'd take an 85 woman's word over 57 male. I'm in a very precarious position, especially with no support from siblings...one is even working against me, thinking she's advocating for mom. A nightmare.
I'm sorry for your predicament. It does sound as though your mom needs a higher level of care. Is that what your sister is advocating for?
Is there perhaps a compromise here, where mom can go for an psych evaluation, and you can stay in the home until she is stable and a determination is made about what she needs?
Barb, 1 sister advocating for me to leave, and for mom to be left alone; this way she keeps power over mom. 2 others don't want to be involved. Mother refuses any medical/psych treatment. Everyone else has the problem, not her...sister is not just an enabler, she's a flying monkey, doing the wicked witch's bidding. The only compromise family has is for me to be out & homeless. From successful executive to bum in a few years. No pity-party, it's what it is. M can't live alone, even though she thinks so...and family is fine with that.
Tomago what is the backstory on why you're with mom? Are you there primarily because you have no money and nowhere to go? Or were you asked to move in, to be a caregiver for mom? If so, who asked? How capable is mom? It sounds like your sister and your mom feel she's capable to be on her own. Could that be the source of her desire to get you out of her home? If so, I'd leave if I was you. Let mom and sis figure out her care if she needs more. Go to a shelter if you need to. You're in a no-win situation with an elderly mom who wants you out, whether she's of sound mind or not. Take care of yourself and get out on your own.
Blannie, it's a combination of her needing help, and me needing a place...it was working despite she's mean as a snake. Now it's just violence to me...I think the siblings want her alone because it's easier...they live far away. Maybe they smell an inheritance.
Tomago -why did you leave your work, if you did, to care for your mum? Or did you lose your job and decide to move in to care for mum as some others here have done? What was your plan for your own future? We all need to provide for our own old ages. Can you re establish your career?
You have my sympathies about your sibs attitude towards you and your mum. I share the experience of a sib working against me in what she said was mother's best interests, but actually was aimed at conserving the inheritance. You can't change them. My mother has Borderline Personality Disorder, and my sis has something similar. It has been a nightmare. Why does your sis want power over your mother? Is it about money?
Seeing SS and APS is an excellent step. Your mum needs an evaluation, diagnosis and treatment. If they take her for a psych eval you are further ahead, as the police then know it is her not you, and there may be hospitalization as follow up. Our situation improved once professionals were involved.
It may be best for you to leave, and work on your own life. How well does mum manage her ADLs (Activities of Daily Living)? Eventually the "event" (like a fall) will happen and your mum will be hospitalized. Then family can step in to help. Does anyone have POA financial and health?
I realise there are no great solutions to this situation - just some that are better and some that are worse. You need to look after yourself. Let us know what happens at SS/APS
Above all, first priority is to care for yourself - It seems impossible, but it is not hopeless. Do all you can to access help for yourself - work, shelter; don't worry about mom - you cannot change your mother or sister. Mental illness, and it sounds like that is going on here, can't be treated by non-professionals. Let sister take care of mom if that is what she wants. There are some family situations where, with the best will in the world, can't be fixed. Putting energy and time into trying is simply trying to fill a bottomless hole. You are in a scary situation, but the economy is improving slowly and once you start trying to better your situation you will find that taking further steps will become easier. You can regain self-respect and hope, but not with mom and sister pulling you down. Try taking the attitude that if sis wants her mommy, she is welcome to her. You are done. As for the violence you can report mom for assault - get it on the record that she is violent and you are the victim. But don't waste time or energy hoping you can change that situation.
Thanks for all the encouraging words. but there really isn't any help out there. I went to countless agencies (social services, etc.), my church, St Vincent DePaul, and there is nothing. The general feeling is, "You're a capable guy, it's her house". This is not a pity-party, it's just the way it is. I'll be out in a few days. The bad guys won. They always do. It's the way it is...homelessness.
Tomago; I hope that you can find your way. I understand that you were trying to help your mentally ill parent, but mental illness is not a kind companion.
Find a shelter or other place to stay for a bit and regroup. You could do some caregiving through an agency, perhaps. You could work a minimum wage job. Lots of us have done that to get back on our feet. There is value in honest work, well done. Be well, and post back here to let us know how things are going.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
If this is new, get Mom to a doctor, ASAP. If this is an old pattern, I think you need to call Adult Protective Services in your area. Not only for you, but to have them assess her needs and follow up with her in the event you leave the home.
There are always homeless shelters, with social workers who can point you in the right direction for services. But make sure APS knows that your mother, who needs care, is being left behind.
Is there perhaps a compromise here, where mom can go for an psych evaluation, and you can stay in the home until she is stable and a determination is made about what she needs?
1 sister advocating for me to leave, and for mom to be left alone; this way she keeps power over mom. 2 others don't want to be involved.
Mother refuses any medical/psych treatment. Everyone else has the problem, not her...sister is not just an enabler, she's a flying monkey, doing the wicked witch's bidding.
The only compromise family has is for me to be out & homeless. From successful executive to bum in a few years. No pity-party, it's what it is. M can't live alone, even though she thinks so...and family is fine with that.
You have my sympathies about your sibs attitude towards you and your mum. I share the experience of a sib working against me in what she said was mother's best interests, but actually was aimed at conserving the inheritance. You can't change them. My mother has Borderline Personality Disorder, and my sis has something similar. It has been a nightmare. Why does your sis want power over your mother? Is it about money?
Seeing SS and APS is an excellent step. Your mum needs an evaluation, diagnosis and treatment. If they take her for a psych eval you are further ahead, as the police then know it is her not you, and there may be hospitalization as follow up. Our situation improved once professionals were involved.
It may be best for you to leave, and work on your own life. How well does mum manage her ADLs (Activities of Daily Living)? Eventually the "event" (like a fall) will happen and your mum will be hospitalized. Then family can step in to help. Does anyone have POA financial and health?
I realise there are no great solutions to this situation - just some that are better and some that are worse. You need to look after yourself. Let us know what happens at SS/APS
I went to countless agencies (social services, etc.), my church, St Vincent DePaul, and there is nothing.
The general feeling is, "You're a capable guy, it's her house".
This is not a pity-party, it's just the way it is.
I'll be out in a few days.
The bad guys won. They always do.
It's the way it is...homelessness.
Thanks for your kind thoughts
Find a shelter or other place to stay for a bit and regroup. You could do some caregiving through an agency, perhaps. You could work a minimum wage job. Lots of us have done that to get back on our feet. There is value in honest work, well done. Be well, and post back here to let us know how things are going.