Do you feel that you have just given up on your parents? That there's nothing much you can provide as funds all dried up.
As an only child and the only breadwinner in a family of three (I am a single parent myself), my circumstances dictate what I can and cannot provide. Funds are very limited, am jobless for the past 2 1/2 months, can't take on a full time job as I do the caregiving myself, always late for work, so tired juggling many hats, could not get promotion because of lousy work performance, and I have a daughter who is still in elementary and needs me too. To be honest, I'm just cruising as to until when can my mom last. I stopped giving her medicines, use cloth diapers instead, cannot afford disposable diapers, stopped Ensure milk, all other kinds of medication. I sometimes check on the website of Exit International and wish that they provide the end to my mom. Looks like she will be around for another 10 or so years. I am beginning to lose interest in her, just want to ignore her and don't talk to her much. I don't spend much on her as I worry in case she dies for the funeral burial expenses
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First of all, I think you may feel that you don't have time or energy to follow many of the suggestions above, and that I will mention. BUT that's like a drowning person saying they don't have the energy or strength to kick toward the life-saver ring floating a little out of reach. You must make the effort to get some help; it will be worth it. That said . ..
I believe every county or group of rural counties has Senior or Aging Advisory council with resources for people like you and your mom. An assessment for her and a separate session for you to learn what is available in terms of money and volunteer respite care,etc., is essential. There is even a program for free or subsidized incontinence supplies for those who qualify financially. There is SO MUCH help out there for you, but you have to reach for it. Your local county Volunteer Center or Senior Center can get you started. Persevere until you find the right helper. It's free. It does take a little of your time. But it will help SOOOOOO much. My heart is with you. I have been there, and some days, I still am.
If your mom doesn't have alot of assets she will qualify for help and the Veterans Aid that Ralph mentioned has really helped us.
You are not abandoning your Mom. In fact in the Assisted Living or Nursing Home situation, many of the residents, my mom included flourish. They have activities all the time. They have arguments with other residents but they forget quickly. The residents become their second family.
We financially help my mom also(she is really my mother in law). I pay for her diapers and buy all her clothes and make up the difference in her expenses. Her nursing home is privately owned and doesn't accept medicaid. Different nursing homes accept different payments so check into that. There is also a website that you can check to see how the nursing home performed on their last reviews.
I permitted all this to affect me to the point that it has made me physically sick. Please ask for help. I have a husband and 2 kids who are old enough to help and I still get overwhelmed.
And I think that adds to the resentment also..I don't remember my children's childhoods. I was always busy taking care of older people. I was always the main wage earner also, so that is a huge stress...When you have to pick and choose and tell your kids they can't have things because you have to pay for things for mom. I understand.
When my mom was going downhill I contact the local Center For Aging. They helped by have a senior companion come into the home. They also had activities at the Center that she could attend. I took her to several nursing homes and this was actually something that took place over 1 year. I also had a Geratric Assessment completed earlier so I had a correct diagnosis.
She wouldn't take her medicine for me. She quit changing her clothes for weeks. She would walk all over town and go through all kinds of money. I am talking thousands of dollars for months. We don't know if she gave it to someone. She wouldn't remember if she did anything. And that has been for years.
The first year in the home was hard on us. She called all day long for a year. She called all our neighbors and told them we were abusing her. She even turned in the nursing home for abuse.
You are not alone but you have to take care of yourself. You have kids and I know that if your Mom was in her right mind, she would say the same thing. One person told me what time, and what is everyone going to do if you keep going like this and you die. Then mom doesn't have anyone to take care of her, your husband doesn't have a wife but more important than anything else...your kids do not have a mother.
Please let me know if I can help you...God Bless!
Good luck with finding help.
Please call your office on aging and get some help soon. Maybe getting a break from it all will give you hope and a new perspective.
good luck
First things first. Money is the root of so much stress. Although perhaps not the first concern in the sense that obviously your mother's well being is paramount, but without finding the financial solution you won't be able to deal with anything else.
Look to public benefits. It may not be practical to keep mom at home. I understand it is everyone's first objective but the fact is that it will probably be more affordable for her to live in a decent assisted living facility than at home and benefits may be available to assist with the cost.
What state do you live in? Find out whether there is a Medicaid Waiver program that will help with the cost of assisted living. Call your local Agency on Aging and ask for a care assessment. Tell them your story and ask for help.
Was your father a veteran? Was your mom married to him at his demise? If so she may be eligible for a VA pension called Aid and Attendance (up to $1056 per month).
You feelings are understandable and not at all uncommon. A support group will be of big help to you.