My grandmother passed away in 2015. And then in 2016, a year later my grandad moved into our house. He is my mum's dad.
I have been overseas until 6 months ago, and now coming back I am not used to living like this. Neither is my mum or my dad.
We have always been very different from our grandparents as a family, had very different beliefs hobbies and everything else.
So now my grandad has occupied the space which is the living room and the kitchen, he watches tv all day. Never cleans up after himself, never goes anywhere. And the bathroom is a mess, I have to disinfect it every single day, because he refuses to sit down on the toilet so there is pee everywhere. And at night he pees in the urine bottle, which he doesnt clean properly and puts it in a drawer in his room. The whole room smells.
I am freaking out and I am thinking of moving out.
My dad is freaking out, and wants to move out because it is impossible to live like this, and he will move out if this is not solved by the end of January.
My mum is freaking out as well, but feels guilty because he is her dad.
We talked about moving him into a retirement home, but he said he would rather kill himself than move to a retirement home.
We wanted to hire an assistant for him but he refuses having anyone else but family to help him.
WHAT DO WE DO?
You might want to have him visit some of the retirement homes so he can see for himself they are not dark dungeons. Use a "therapeutic fib" saying a friend wants to move her Mom into a retirement home but would like the opinion of another elder.
You mention "mum" thus are you from across the pond? I don't know how retirement villages are set up where you live? Here in the States, the newer ones are designed more like a hotel, with a restaurant style dining room with actual menus. Also, it depends if Grandfather can budget for the monthly cost, or if where you live, the elders can go in on universal coverage.
Anyway, when my Dad moved to a retirement place, he found he had more freedom then when he was still living at home. The Staff did the housekeeping and linen service. Much less worry about his house [which he sold]. Loved the food. And being around people of his own generation.
Your parents, meanwhile, have been living with this for over two years.
Can I just ask a couple of things - how old are you? Where (which country) do you live?
You are right - the reason I am posting this now, because it just got too much and Christmas is meant to be a happy holiday but all I listened to this year is how the whole family is bad (me, mum and dad), because we don't go to church, whereas grandad is really religious. And another thing that set me off was having friends over for Christmas, and the bathroom was disgusting even though I cleaned it two hours prior to their visit. So I sort of just exploded.
Just knowing that people are in a sort of the same situation as I am and understand what I am going through helps a lot.
Follow through on your plans to move out. Maybe you and dad can get a place together. Save room for mum. She’ll be visiting often. No one has to get mad. Just move.
But when someone has put up with something this bad for two years, it probably isn’t that easy to just move. I understand that. Will he pout and be sad that he has to have non family help to live. Yes.
If it were his home and he could afford to hire a family of three to care for himself. Hooray. Good for him. But if that’s not the case, there is no one to blame for this situation but the ones putting up with it.
Note: just returned from several days with aunt ( 92). Tough love is on the agenda for foreseeable future. Sorry if my answer seemed harsh.
A lot of people on this page say that their elder relatives move into their home and forget that they are a guest and living with their adult child is a privilege and not a right. Mom need to lay down the law to him. It’s her house and if anyone moves out, it should be Grandad. Is putting up with his being such a slob worth her marriage?
At the least, you should move out and live your own life. It’s time to launch.
I feel you pain across the web. Glad you reached out because people here are full of golden insight.
Sounds like everyone agrees on one thing. The living situation can't continue the way it is. In that way, it's fortunate. No one needs to be convinced its bad, or needs to change. Just the, who takes the first step towards change, is left to decide.
When my grandmother moved in the entire household became miserable. She was very abusive, especially to me. But no one was spared. Her expectations were unreasonable for a household of 4 busy youngsters in school and sports. She harbored real resentment my mother dared focus on her own kids. It was toxic.
It took many years, and lots of damage for my mother to get enough courage to place her at a home. Once she did, my mother's depression lifted, my Dad and her got along better, and life made sense again. The rest home mentioned over and over how abusive grans was, and it validated the decision.
I agree with the others here. Toxic is toxic and can no nothing but sicken your life. If you have the means to move I would. Waiting on him to do something places him in the power position. I wouldn't want that personally. Even if it feels like a loss to be the first to move, it does get you a fresh start in a residence not tainted by left over urine smells and etc.
Hopefully you can find a place that matches your vibrance and youth and speaks of who you are today. Not that this would be possible, especially considering he sounds like a difficult man. Perhaps he can help finance a move. Use his need to have it done quickly to your advantage. Tell him you can move within 30 days if he pays a deposit etc. Just a thought. Like I said, it'd probably be a fight, but hey, if it works, more money for you right? You know best.
I sincerely wish the best and for swift resolution. Let us know you made out alive...(light joke). Seriously, be most loyal to yourself. That way you can be healthy.
Since, it's your parent's house, I'd leave the decision on how to manage your grandfather's care up to them. Your grandfather may not be able to make those decisions for himself any longer. I'd encourage your parents to get information and advice on how to better assist him or possibly have him placed somewhere that can properly assist him.
I may have not expressed myself correctly - with the urine bottle, he doesn't pour urine in the drawer. What he does is empty the urine bottle in the sink (and then doesn't clean the sink) and then he puts the unwashed bottle into the drawer in his room, which makes his room smell.
I know the retirement homes can be really beautiful places (I used to work at one, I am a nurse), but he doesn't want to hear it, because apparently it is humiliating. With finances, it is not a problem since whatever he is lacking in funds my parents and his two other daughters are prepared to pay for .He is a very heavy character of a person. He doesn't want to be alone but at the same time he doesn't like going anywhere or visiting anyone (although people invite him).
I know I have to move out, and I will. I just need to make it until February, when I start a new regular job and have funds to afford my own place. But I really feel bad for mum and dad, since they are both really miserable and dad on the verge of moving out.
He is operating as the head of the house and it is your dads place, your mom needs to honor her husband's position and not let her dad disrespect her husband in his home. My dad tried this and it was easy for me to say, gotta go. At the end of the day, my husband is the one that will be their for me, not dad.
Help your mom save her marriage and support her in getting him moved. If he threatens to kill himself, have him committed to a psychiatric ward as a danger to himself.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=tZLl673jSko