Background: My grandfather died a month ago, my mother (only child) is the sole executor of his estate and trustee of the trust he set up for my grandmother's care. Grandma has dementia. My mother is not a trustworthy person in general and DEFINITELY not when it comes to money. (So why did my grandpa pick her as executor and trustee? Denial, and a victim mentality - he let family members screw him over financially all his life.) I am in touch with my grandmother but estranged from my mother.
Current situation: My mother is wasting no time in calling the shots for my grandma. Whenever I talk to my grandmother, she says various things about her finances without any prompting from me. Some of it is worrying, but I have no idea what bits are true or what the complete story is. Even if I weren't estranged from my mother, I couldn't rely on her to tell me the truth, so asking her won't do any good.
I *could* possibly get a lawyer and start asking serious questions, but that is the nuclear option, and it's only been a month. So I don't feel I can go there quite yet.
Ugghhhhh.... it feels horrible. I'm torn between saving my sanity by just ignoring my grandmother's comments and letting the chips fall where they may, or doing the right thing by paying attention and looking out for my grandmother's interests. Plus, I'll admit that I have some resentment that my grandfather evidently did not even mention me in his will. I've pretty much been shut out. Yet during some of my last conversations with him, he did express concern about how my mother would treat my grandmother. He even commented that he was worried that my mother would "eliminate" my grandmother. (I think he meant something along the lines of "not really take care of grandma properly".)
So it's a mess. And I'm doing the typical thing for a child of a dysfunctional family - trying to be its conscience. Help? Do I tune it all out? Or keep emotionally engaging with it?
I hate to say it, but you know what, Mother's Day in our circumstances can kind of suck.
Leaving old people to their fate is not my philosophy quite the oposite which is why I spend a lot oftime on this site sharing my professional experience and expertise.
This forum rpovides support for caregivers in crisis and loving frienship. No one can solve other peoples problems but we can express our opinions, offer advice and if necessary give stern warnings about the course others are considering. Do you read what is going on with other people or just come on when you have interactions with your family? if you observe a train about to wreck you will be killed if you step infront of it and put up your hands to stop it. You are better occupied calling for help and assisting where you can. You have had a bad day so rest and relax .Do whatever brings you peace and prepare for tomorrow. Blessings
Are you suggesting that I just stop contacting my grandmother altogether? Or somehow just stop having feelings about her possibly getting ripped off? I thought this was a support forum. I'm seeking support for being on the sidelines of this trainwreck and not being able to do anything about it. If just leaving old people to their fate is the recommended course of action, why have this forum at all?
Margarets there is absolutely nothing you can do about your mother and grandmother.Iif all her money disappears paying her bills and taking care of her is not on your head. All these probable lies and misconception are all part of her disease. your mother is in charge of controling her affairs. If you are expecting an inheritance forget it. your mother has already taken care of all the money. visit or call only if you want to not because you are fascinated with her and mother's activities. Keep out of it for your own sanity. Watch out for the first signs of demential in Mom too you don't want to get tricked into being reponsible for her.
E.g. She was just telling me she has to find a big envelope to send $800 by mail to pay the propane bill!!! And there is no reason for the bill to be so high since no one was living at her house during the winter, so the house only needed to be heated enough to keep the pipes from freezing. So something is not right there.
E.g. last visit she told me that she took money out of the bank (she seems to constantly have stories about going to the bank when she really has little need for cash these days), my mother looked in her wallet and said she'd taken out too much, that the ALF staff might help themselves to it, so my mother took out some of the money. My grandmother asked me "Do you think she will give it back?" What the heck am I supposed to say to that?
I've asked her repeatedly NOT to talk to me about her money but it's no use. I'm not sure if she doesn't remember or she uses it as an attention-getting thing, to get a rise out of me. The whole thing is a stinking mess and even detaching as much as I have (visits once every few months and calls about once a month) doesn't solve much.
I hate my dysfunctional train wreck of a family.
Props to my Mom. Not that we weren't dysfunctional, but she made it a family value that (after all the petty squabbles and triangles and gossip) we are family, part of a team. We all wish each other well, and try pretty hard not to hurt one another. There was no fighting at all over the will! One thing that worked was her making it clear that we were treated equally. Also, I think we each thought that we were the favorite. That's tough but not impossible to pull off.
She died suddenly at age 80. I feel cheated that I never "had to" take care of her. but glad for her that she didn't have to endure a long decline..
She called last night to throw a guilt trip on me about a comment I made. Long story short, she lied to me. No doubt she has lied to me on many other occasions, but this one was bald-faced. She was trying to cover up some family triangulation that's been going on. It REALLY bothers me that dementia or no, she is capable of perpetuating toxic family dynamics, and picking targets for toxic dumping (me).
Debralee, you pointed out that my grandmother is honing in on me as her saviour. Boy, is she ever going about it the wrong way! I feel more like "at least all this drama will end when she dies".
(The comment she was guilt-tripping me about? I mentioned that if the family cottage is sold before the summer [as my mother has planned], it would be possible to rent a cottage, so that my sister's kids could still have a cottage vacation. My grandmother does not want to sell the cottage yet [and apparently does not understand what my mother intends], so she was upset with me for speaking as if it might happen. I know - it's nuts.)
I won't have any issues re: my mother's old age. She has ingratiated herself with her second husband's family, has always treated them better than her own kids or grandkids, and they've always lapped it up. So they can bloody well take care of her. Solved!
There was plenty of evidence of my mother's bare-minimum care-taking, and that vexed me, but mostly I'm just really tired. I'm having a very lazy day today.
I feel for anyone who does full-time caregiving.
I normally prefer to approach everything on a positive basis. However, on your visitation tomorrow (today), just expect the absolute WORST and anything better than that will be uplifting.
Just keep thinking of all the {{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}} you'll have waiting for you from the forum tomorrow. Keep your chin up, kiddo!
Just got off the phone with my grandmother. I only called to confirm everything about my visit tomorrow, but my gma was upset because she has lost her wedding rings. She think she left them behind at the ALF she stayed at temporarily but left in October.
Apparently, according to my gma, when my mother moved her from that ALF to her current one, she didn't do a final check of my grandmother's room. My grandmother did her own packing and it was all brought down to the front door when my mother picked her up. Hello - the woman has dementia! It's entirely possible she left all kinds of valuables in that room! So it's all on the honesty of the staff to turn anything in, and since it was a few months ago, there is basically no chance of getting anything back. Great.
But who knows what really happened. I certainly wouldn't put it past my mother to be so careless; she's already shown she will do the bare minimum. On the other hand, maybe my grandmother simply put them in a drawer in her current place and has forgotten.
Though the drama over PoA theft from a 3-4 months ago has calmed down, it seems like every time I call my grandmother there is more lousy news. She is a SITTING DUCK for rip-offs of all kinds. Just in the last few weeks I've heard about her missing crystal glasses, her missing TV, now her missing wedding rings.
I have to brace myself for whatever I might find when I actually see her ALF tomorrow. I have no doubt that it's a nice place, I'm more worried about what ELSE has gone missing, stuff I know she would have wanted to bring but is mysteriously not with her now.
It's wearing me out. And as horrible as this sounds, my feelings about my grandmother (and my grandfather) just get worse. They were both very, very stupid about how they arranged their affairs, and I resent hearing about what a train wreck it's becoming. Ugh.
She mentioned some other stuff missing, like some crystal glasses. And of course there is all the financial drama from a few months ago already detailed on this thread.
It's just really frustrating watching all this dodgy stuff going on, and knowing that pretty much any contact I have with my grandmother will involve dysfunction.
I asked my grandmother what happened to the other TV and she said "I don't know" but honestly I think she just doesn't want to say "your mother must have taken it", even though that is the only explanation.
Ugh. Even with my grandmother somewhat reined in, the dysfunction continues. Constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. My grandfather has only been dead 7 months, for crying out loud. God only knows what I'll be hearing a year from now.
The kicker is, my grandmother's TV isn't even all that great, big-ish but poor quality. So for my mother to take it is just SO tacky, especially since it's left my grandmother with no TV at all. I mean really.
Carol
But it's not a call to grandma without a litte toxicity. She started in again on not being sure if she trusts my mother as PoA and wishing she could change it and yadda, but I headed if off, and I think she senses that she has worn out that topic with me. That's not the really toxic bit though. She said - I swear this is true - "your grandfather left me so much money I don't know what I'm going to do with it". So I suggested, again, that she help out her great-grandchildren who are currently at university. And she hemmed and hawed, AGAIN. It
REALLY turns me off her.
The reason she is reluctant to give them money is because they are my scapegoat sister's offspring, so essentially scapegoats themselves, and therefore have been written off, not acknowledged as members of the family. It's really dysfunctional and frankly disgusting.
On this January visit I may just sit her down and spell out a few home truths to her. I.e. that if she can give my mother $50K for home renovations she can d--- well give her great-grandchildren something for their educations so they can have a decent shot at good jobs etc. And if not, she is never to speak to me about her money again. She can do what she likes with her money, but I don't have to hear about it.
But oh the guilt trip that is coming my way! Even during the brief call she was starting up with "you're all I have left". Actually, she has another granddaughter and seven grandchildren that she has pretty much ignored all their lives (my sister is in the family scapegoat role). So there's a definite "you reap what you sow" situation going on here.
On the plus side, she hasn't mentioned any money dramas for a while. I'm sure there still are some, but I'm fine with not hearing about them.
There is no way your mother will not be held responsible and face legal proceedings if you try to apply for any kind of public assistance. If you are the current POA Mom and probably GM will try and pass the blame to you. You run the risk of having to invest substantial amounts of money defending yourself not to mention the time and stress, You know the pair of them will team up and fabricate all kinds of lies about you. I would say my bottom line is do not do it. If you feel compelled do not do it without legal assistance.
This is like taking sides in a divorce between two friends. the result is they get back together and both turn on you, You know both Mom and GM are equally toxic and I go further too and say they are evil or at least seriously mentally ill.
Visiting GM at Christmas is a totally different decision. Do not change any plans you have already made - go on another day. Only take a small gift such as candies or a plant and don't feel bad if she produces something very expensive - it is a bribe. The sweet reasonable GM you see on Christmas Day is a total fake don't be fooled, she has had years and years of practice. Go if you really want to but if it is out of guilt go volunteer at a soup kitchen instead. My guess is Mom has fled the coup and so has the money. May your Christmas be peaceful
what are your plans, otherwise? If you really feel like you should visit do. But it does not need to interfere with your plans, keep them its tell grandma you will visit on another day, have lunch with her, or not. One thing that I think about is if I don't do something will I feel guilty for not having done it were she to die tomorrow? That is my barometer when there is something I really do not care to do to help guide my decisions. With my situation, there will not be any guilt since I am mom's 24/7 caregiver.
The truth is, I don't want to go. But ugh, the guilt. Also, the rage! I mean, HELLO, you've given your daughter tens of thousands of dollars and she's ditching you at Christmas? GET A CLUE. Give HER the whining and pleading. SHE owes you, not me.
Your mother and grandmother have significant personality flaws. They thrive on drama and manipulation. GM has dementia ? diagnosed . You have the power to stop letting either of them continue to abuse you. Stop fussing about the money, not one cent of it is going anywhere but Mom's pocket so, wrong as it may be, does it really matter when that happens. The important part of this is that there is sufficient money available to properly take care of GM. Is that happening? Does she have a regular income to cover her needs that mom can not divert?. You can certainly talk to the supervisor at her ALF and make sure the bills are being paid and she has adequate groceries and supplies. If GM wants you to visit she can send you $100 to rent a car and gas. you are a student and I assume have a limited income although you have never mentioned that. you can still call her and I would do it regularily so she can expect it. You just don't need to buy into the drama. Play your messages as soon as you receive them and then decide when and if you will respond. If she starts on about your mother's supposed thievery just sweetly tell her you had nothing to do with the POA it was entrusted to your mother and you do can not become involved. There is nothing that comes out of either of their mouths that can be believed. Your whole life has been a time when they have perfected the art of pushing your buttons. The only way you can protect yourself is by keeping your distance. Concentrate on your studies and join activities on campus. there should be free or inexpensive counciling through student health. Now is the time to take advantage of new opportunities and make contacts that will help you in your future career. Spring clean your life. Many people on this site are truly trapped until their loved one passes on but you still have the freedom to make your own decisions