Background: My grandfather died a month ago, my mother (only child) is the sole executor of his estate and trustee of the trust he set up for my grandmother's care. Grandma has dementia. My mother is not a trustworthy person in general and DEFINITELY not when it comes to money. (So why did my grandpa pick her as executor and trustee? Denial, and a victim mentality - he let family members screw him over financially all his life.) I am in touch with my grandmother but estranged from my mother.
Current situation: My mother is wasting no time in calling the shots for my grandma. Whenever I talk to my grandmother, she says various things about her finances without any prompting from me. Some of it is worrying, but I have no idea what bits are true or what the complete story is. Even if I weren't estranged from my mother, I couldn't rely on her to tell me the truth, so asking her won't do any good.
I *could* possibly get a lawyer and start asking serious questions, but that is the nuclear option, and it's only been a month. So I don't feel I can go there quite yet.
Ugghhhhh.... it feels horrible. I'm torn between saving my sanity by just ignoring my grandmother's comments and letting the chips fall where they may, or doing the right thing by paying attention and looking out for my grandmother's interests. Plus, I'll admit that I have some resentment that my grandfather evidently did not even mention me in his will. I've pretty much been shut out. Yet during some of my last conversations with him, he did express concern about how my mother would treat my grandmother. He even commented that he was worried that my mother would "eliminate" my grandmother. (I think he meant something along the lines of "not really take care of grandma properly".)
So it's a mess. And I'm doing the typical thing for a child of a dysfunctional family - trying to be its conscience. Help? Do I tune it all out? Or keep emotionally engaging with it?
It isn't fair that you have to deal with it. The grownups eff up the world, and the kids have to clean up after them. You wouldn't keep posting if you could ignore the situation. In the end, you will act, so go ahead and do it now before things get any worse.
I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.
Maybe a few phrases might help. Inside your head, try this one from AA and Al Anon: "I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, and I can't control it." Aloud, try repeating, "You know, you have to speak to my mother if you want things to change." Be gentle, calm and factual, while keeping yourself on the outside of the circus. If they are no longer pulling your strings, it will be easier to let go of some of the anger. Hold onto some of it, because it protects you.
If you don't have or want a therapist, try an Al Anon group. Put 5 or 10 dollars in the basket, sit back and listen. You want to learn how to detach with love from the people whose craziness is catching. Some groups are not good groups. If you get a bad vibe, try a different group, because they aren't all alike.
Best wishes for you to be the one to break the cycle.
Thinking it over, I think this is the problem: I've been massively triggered by all this contact with my dysfunctional family. I've had more contact with more of them in the last 5 months than I have in the last 10 years. It's obvious that there has been ZERO improvement in the dysfunctionality. The only thing that has changed is that I'm healthier and more aware, so I could see the dysfunction much more clearly.
So, I think what's going to cure this recent freak out is what cured it before: time and distance. In a way, the recent experiences were a good lesson, i.e. that my coping strategies have been spot on all these years.
As for my grandmother & her money, it's too bad so sad.
I don't know what state you live in, but my state has a Department of Aging. I think most states do. That Dept has local enforcement/investigative arms... in my case its the local Catholic Charities Elder Care office. With a little bit of research online, perhaps you can come up with who is your local office for Elder Abuse issues? Then you can go through the steps of making a report with them. I think that is the best way to get the matter looked into without you having to make already difficult relationships even worse. Good luck!
If I had written the post from OnceHated, my point would have been to give you the chance to let go of some bitterness over an inheritance, because bitterness only makes you feel bad. I can see how you would take it the way you did, but I don't think it was intended as a criticism.
I get what you are saying about how you are stuck with problems caused by people who have never helped you, but only hurt you. Why should you do anything for them when it will only cause you more heartbreak? I see a few options for you.
If you want to, make an anonymous complaint of elder abuse, as suggested.
If you want to, cut off all contact with these people. None of them will enrich your life or give you any joy or support.
If you want to, tell your grandmother that she needs to talk directly to your mother if she is worried. I think they call it triangling when two people "gossip" about a third. Your grandmother is putting you in an impossible position. Tell her that anything she says to you will be reported directly to your mother, because you don't want to be in the middle.
One powerful thing to do would be, in the presence of both of them, to say, "Mother, Gran is telling me that she is worried about her money. She tells me that she doesn't know where it is going. I don't either. Can you explain things to her so that she won't worry?" Gran says that she isn't worried at all. You reply that that's not what you've been telling me. Your mother says that of course everything is in order. You reply that in that case, why doesn't she bring over bank statements and the checkbook just so Gran can look at them and feel better.
That's probably way too risky for you to do, but if you can include other relatives in the discussion, then maybe no one will be killed.
At the very least, try to pull back as much as you can. There is no good solution, unless it's a bottle of wine to take your mind off things.
Then all you can do after that is to be a loving granddaughter to your grandmother, let her know that you've done all you could, but that now it's out of your hands and it's best if you don't discuss her dealings with your mom and her finances, as it will just make you both feel bad.
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