Background: My grandfather died a month ago, my mother (only child) is the sole executor of his estate and trustee of the trust he set up for my grandmother's care. Grandma has dementia. My mother is not a trustworthy person in general and DEFINITELY not when it comes to money. (So why did my grandpa pick her as executor and trustee? Denial, and a victim mentality - he let family members screw him over financially all his life.) I am in touch with my grandmother but estranged from my mother.
Current situation: My mother is wasting no time in calling the shots for my grandma. Whenever I talk to my grandmother, she says various things about her finances without any prompting from me. Some of it is worrying, but I have no idea what bits are true or what the complete story is. Even if I weren't estranged from my mother, I couldn't rely on her to tell me the truth, so asking her won't do any good.
I *could* possibly get a lawyer and start asking serious questions, but that is the nuclear option, and it's only been a month. So I don't feel I can go there quite yet.
Ugghhhhh.... it feels horrible. I'm torn between saving my sanity by just ignoring my grandmother's comments and letting the chips fall where they may, or doing the right thing by paying attention and looking out for my grandmother's interests. Plus, I'll admit that I have some resentment that my grandfather evidently did not even mention me in his will. I've pretty much been shut out. Yet during some of my last conversations with him, he did express concern about how my mother would treat my grandmother. He even commented that he was worried that my mother would "eliminate" my grandmother. (I think he meant something along the lines of "not really take care of grandma properly".)
So it's a mess. And I'm doing the typical thing for a child of a dysfunctional family - trying to be its conscience. Help? Do I tune it all out? Or keep emotionally engaging with it?
If it helps any, fear under these circumstances would not be any sort of accusation or moral failing, more along the lines of what has been called " the gift of fear". There is always a time for getting out and not looking back. Quite a few folks think this may be that time. But, you are asking, and possibly by asking, suggesting you don't feel entirely right about it. You would like to escape a bad situation that you had NO hand in creating.
The question becomes, are you *obligated* to do anything else, before, after, or during your getting this all behind you? There are several possible answers and ultimately only you know enough of the details to finally make the decision. First, it may be important to distance yourself for the very behavior you loathe in your family; in other words by being consistent with the way they treated others, are you going to find you are acting too much like them for your own comfort? Second, can you realistically expect any possibility to being of actual help? Lets compare your grandmothers situation to someone in a vehicle in a ditch by the side of a road. They were the passenger, the driver is long gone, they are not in immediate danger but can't get out on their own. For a stranger in that situation, you'd possibly just call 911 and keep driving, for fear of it being a trap. For someone you recognized and cared about, you might do more if you safely and reasonably could. Unless you are a mandated reporter of traffic accidents or had done something that caused the wreck, you would not be legally obligated in most states. The other factor here through is that you are the only person who knows about the wreck, and likely the only person who ever will.
You cared enough to write, and you are hurting enough to need to write...again the last thing I wanted to do was increase your hurt in any way. I don't think it will necessarily be easy, but I do believe you will figure out and do the things that will leave you feeling you have done right and without regrets as you go on to build yourself a future free from the cruelty and uncaring that have infected the rest of the family
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I'm starting to come around to the "do nothing, refer grandma back to mom" approach. Engaging with it is *already* too draining - obviously, as I keep posting freakouts - and that's *without* lawyers etc involved. And my heart isn't it, I know I'll keep wanting to say to my grandmother stuff like "this is more than you ever did for me you know" which of course is horrible and not something I would actually say, but it would be there.
Just to give everyone an example of how cold-hearted my family can be: when my sister - definitely the family Scapegoat and the target for the worst abuse - was 19, pregnant, broke and alone, my family did *absolutely nothing* to help her. Not a dime, not a word of support. NOTHING. This at a time when my grandfather had over $500K in net worth. So, if I do nothing, it's 100% consistent the example they set.
It looks very much like Mom is robbing Gram blind and failing to live up to trustee duties in any sense of the word.
You want to be safe, and it is tempting to walk away, but you know this is a bad situation and being mad at Grandpa for setting it up wrong is a very legitimate emotion, but stopping there helps no one. There is no guarantee APS will make it better, but they might, and you are already estranged and have no inheritance at stake. If you gather as much evidence as you can find, and go to APS with it, or to the court overseeing the trusteeship, you may be able to help, and if your best effort fails, you go back to plan A and walk away, but without regrets or wondering what would have happened if you had been brave enough to face your Mom's wrath.
Your mom has already taken out more from your grandparents estate than we ever had in ours total. At the very least, mom will have to make an accounting of what she has done, will know someone is watching, and the will and trust documents are supposed to be public and you will be able to find out what they actually say.
This may be up there with the hardest things you have ever had to do...but if you want anything left for Gram's care it will have to be done. I once knew of someone who died too young and her grown daughter actually ran off with her FUNERAL money some how, and we never even had a proper service to even say goodbye...so if you are not exaggerating, it is worth trying to take action. And, please let us support you and let us know how it goes if you can.
If I had written the post from OnceHated, my point would have been to give you the chance to let go of some bitterness over an inheritance, because bitterness only makes you feel bad. I can see how you would take it the way you did, but I don't think it was intended as a criticism.
I get what you are saying about how you are stuck with problems caused by people who have never helped you, but only hurt you. Why should you do anything for them when it will only cause you more heartbreak? I see a few options for you.
If you want to, make an anonymous complaint of elder abuse, as suggested.
If you want to, cut off all contact with these people. None of them will enrich your life or give you any joy or support.
If you want to, tell your grandmother that she needs to talk directly to your mother if she is worried. I think they call it triangling when two people "gossip" about a third. Your grandmother is putting you in an impossible position. Tell her that anything she says to you will be reported directly to your mother, because you don't want to be in the middle.
One powerful thing to do would be, in the presence of both of them, to say, "Mother, Gran is telling me that she is worried about her money. She tells me that she doesn't know where it is going. I don't either. Can you explain things to her so that she won't worry?" Gran says that she isn't worried at all. You reply that that's not what you've been telling me. Your mother says that of course everything is in order. You reply that in that case, why doesn't she bring over bank statements and the checkbook just so Gran can look at them and feel better.
That's probably way too risky for you to do, but if you can include other relatives in the discussion, then maybe no one will be killed.
At the very least, try to pull back as much as you can. There is no good solution, unless it's a bottle of wine to take your mind off things.
That's the just the legal side. There is also the emotional fallout. I will be Enemy #1 and my mother can be very nasty. (There's a whole sordid story about how she retaliated against her second husband's daughter for a transgression, and turned the siblings, nieces & nephews against her as well. Which is really saying something because she was the Other Woman who broke up their parents' marriage.)
I have only bad options!
I don't know what state you live in, but my state has a Department of Aging. I think most states do. That Dept has local enforcement/investigative arms... in my case its the local Catholic Charities Elder Care office. With a little bit of research online, perhaps you can come up with who is your local office for Elder Abuse issues? Then you can go through the steps of making a report with them. I think that is the best way to get the matter looked into without you having to make already difficult relationships even worse. Good luck!
This way, the large portion is out of grandmas account and protected. Your mom can't get ahold of it in anyway and she will have limited funds going forward to be spending from. If she gets angry, there is nothing she can do about other than take you to court and those lawyer and court costs will be on her not you or grandma.
So that is what I would suggest. If mom, demands money -- then you can ask her to provide a receipt or estimate and you will consider writing a check or transferring funds but essentially this will finally stop her "carte blanche".
It's a bit much for someone to say by their actions "I haven't left you a dime, but can you run interference to protect this other person that I did leave money to? at whatever emotional or temporal cost to yourself?" It's like I've been handed a bill that I have to pay in anxiety & stress while others are getting literally hundreds of thousands of dollars.
I feel your remark is insensitive, and off-topic.
Don't mean to be negative, dysfunctional families can be a nightmare if you let them. I see my own as little as possible and work hard to not get involved in their family games.
The way I see it, if you don't want to be the rescuer you have two choices: completely cutoff contact with that part of the family and clean your hands of all involvement OR make an anonymous tip to the local adult protective services and continue on as you are and hope for resolution that protects your grandmother.
For your own peace of mind, a decision will need to be made soon. It isn't healthy to continue the cycle indefinitely.
Good luck. Remember to do what's best for you and that you can live with too.
As you can imagine, remembering this only makes me angrier! NOW I'm supposed to be the rescuer? It's classic parentification. I know that engaging with this only opens the door to more abuse. If I take official action, my mother will use it to badmouth me even more to extended family members. As in: "How dare she question MY behaviour? You see what a spiteful daughter she is!"
I really really really HATE that these dysfunctional losers are putting this toxic slush on me. God knows I had to learn to shut up and pretend everything is OK no matter how badly I was getting hurt in the family. Why can't they do the same!!!!
Then all you can do after that is to be a loving granddaughter to your grandmother, let her know that you've done all you could, but that now it's out of your hands and it's best if you don't discuss her dealings with your mom and her finances, as it will just make you both feel bad.
The other tricky bit is that the process for requiring my mother to provide an accounting involves a lawyer, court forms, etc etc etc. I.e. at a minimum it will likely cost a few thousand dollars. Frankly, no way am I going to pay for that myself. So I'll have to get my grandmother to put up the money first.
On top of all this, I start graduate school in September. I will have zero free time or energy to deal with this, and there will be literally ZERO reward even if I succeed in protecting my grandmother, other than "doing the right thing".
Ugh... I hate all this. I feel sick.
You will have to obtain some bank statements going back to grandfathers death and prove where large sums have been withdrawn.
Lastly, I'm not a legal expert, but if your mom is executor of trust for grandmother, she still has to have good accounting records and receipts for what she has spent and proof that it went to care and or support of grandmother. The house modifications would also have to be proven with receipts. And unless the dr has ordered grandma to a skilled care facility, she should have gone to moms since that was the plan and your mom fixed the house. I'm not saying, grandma should go to moms as that doesn't seem like a good situation. But your mom better be able to account for the expenses incurred so far and that ALL of it has benefitted grandma. If not, let attorney file in court to have mom removed and you or an independent body set up as the new trustee.
Good luck.
It isn't fair that you have to deal with it. The grownups eff up the world, and the kids have to clean up after them. You wouldn't keep posting if you could ignore the situation. In the end, you will act, so go ahead and do it now before things get any worse.
I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.
The whole thing is HUGE mess. I'm worried for my grandmother but also very resentful. When my mother's dodgy behaviour was directed at my sister & me, my grandparents did nothing to protect us. Now that it's directed at my grandmother, do I owe her protection?
It's classic family dysfunction: side with the abuser, marginalize/silence the target of the abuse, right up until the target is YOU, then act shocked & outraged and turn to the previous target for help.
Right now I don't feel like being the rescuer. Or more precisely, I'm not doing it unless my grandmother is 100% on board, i.e. pays the legal bills, backs me up on any actions that I take on her behalf. Which she won't do. But she won't shut up about the situation either. I've now spent more time, in two months, listening and advising her on how to deal with my mother, than she ever spent doing the same for me in 45 years. My emotions are all over the place. Thanks Grandpa!
Also I'm REALLY angry with my grandfather for not arranging his affairs better than this.