My dad died in his sleep in 2010. He was 75 and even though he was retired, he worked like a 50 year old. My parents lived on 15 acres since their early 20's. There is always something to clean up, repair, pull to the brush pile, burn, trim, or mow. Before he died he said if something happens to me first, you need to get your mom to move to a smaller house in town. Well it is 9 years later and she is still there. My husband and I have an ongoing to-do list all summer long. When anything is said about moving to town or checking out assisted or supportive living she becomes defensive, "why do people keep telling me I need to move?" Well... because we are tired.
We have our own home that we would like to enjoy on our days off. We enjoy camping, gardening at our house, festivals and friends. Instead we have to drive two hours round trip, mow for 4 hours, pick up sticks trim bushes etc. I am now 56 my husband is 62. Last summer he had a head injury and spent weeks in the hospital and even more weeks in a rehabilitation hospital that was three hours from home. I worked my 4 days a week and went every weekend to see him living weekends at Ronald McDonald house, (they truly are angels!). I came back late every Sunday night and spent every Monday mowing our yard, doing laundry, paying bills so I could do it all again the next week. My daughter stepped up to mow at my mom's but she was on unemployment last summer. Luckily my husband has recovered 95%!
Now the thought of going back to our handyman schedule this upcoming summer is just making us angry. You never know how much time is left on this earth and his accident was a stark reminder of that. I don't want to take care of my mom's place in the country. We chose to live in town because it is easier. I am angry that I am expected to take care of something that was their life choice, it shouldn't be my burden. My daughter found a new job, and now works a lot of overtime and my niece, who isn't much younger than I, already shuffles mom to all of the doctor appointments. I have degenerative discs and narrowed spaces in my neck causing nerve pain in my upper extremities. I have been in physical therapy and have been told I should never lift more than 25 lb again. I have had nerve ablations to my lumbar spine and I also have lupus. So being in the sun is not good for me. If I manage these problems properly I can avoid worsening symptoms and continue to work. I tell all this to my mom and she listens, asks me how I feel but the list making continues. I don't want to spend the last year's of her life being angry or fighting with her but I am becoming resentful and so is my husband. How do you walk away from the list while keeping your mom?
I know the type of holds mothers have on us. If we do the list of things today maybe tomorrow she’ll say, “Oh you guys don’t have to do this stuff anymore.” Or, if we do the new thing added to the list, she’ll finally say, “oh thank you guys you really work hard for me,” and she will finally be pleased. If you’re like me, you’re trying to assuage your anxiety by trying to please her, and again if you’re like me, your health will suffer.
My husband has always has the patience of Job himself, and how he hasn’t thrown me his set of house keys by now I’ll never know. But when he was diagnosed at 52 with spinal stenosis and lumbar arthritis & disc degeneration, I told my mother that Mr. Hotflash has now, literally, broken his back for you, and he will do no more.
Now granted this came after several psychotherapy appointments and a lot of courage, but finally telling her no did not go as awful as I had predicted in my head. And frankly if it had with tears and tantrums and all the other things I imagined, my plan was to tell her “I’m sorry you feel that way.”
Someone in this incredible group slapped reality right in my face on a post I made earlier because my health was deteriorating trying to be my mother’s caregiver. They asked me, “What if your mother outlives you?” My way of thinking has not been the same since.
Hang in there and take care of you and your family. Do it for all of us who have lived under the to do lists for way too long.
continue on without possibly causing yourself irreparable harm. She either needs
to see this and make accommodations so that all of you can live well or you are going to have to force the issue by saying no. Calm, clear, and decisive. No, we can't possibly do that. What are some other options? Your firm no will open the
doorway to explore other ideas, otherwise she will just keep pushing for things to remain the same. Good luck!
There is no other option. Be strong.
Obviously, your mother must have an income. If she wants to maintain her lifestyle, it's time for her to pay to have help come. I have a customer who lives alone and a nurse come daily (your state social svcs for the aging, or Medicare, may cover some of this), a dog walker, a priest from her church stops in weekly, and neighbors drop by occasionally. She is very happy in her own home with these arrangements.
Your mom can wear a lifeline button to summon help if needed. You can also pay for someone to help with chores and cleaning if you want - a maid if you can -you spend travel expenses and time going there anyway or for the lifeline button. Also, have Meals on Wheels drop off meals a couple of times a week. Look for organizations in her town that provide free or low cost in-home and transportation services to the elderly.
Then visit her once or twice a month. If this doesn't work for her she can move into a retirement community there or near you. I'd be weary of putting out too much effort though because she may not follow thru after you do a ton of work and invest emotionally. Good luck!
Best of luck!
We just went thru this with my mom. She’s still mad about it but truthfully, I have multiple health problems and she simply wasn’t safe living alone . She was literally killing me.
If your mom does have start of Dementia/Alzheimer's then most of what everyone says will not work. They no longer have any reasoning skills. Then use your POA and get her into an assisted living place or memory care center if she needs extra care.
If she does not have Dementia/Alzheimer's I feel for you in what you are going through, and I hope you can get your mom to understand what is happening in your life. Explain to her that you are having to put your family first since your husband is unable to do some things around the house and it is just too much for you both to maintain two households. Tell her that you will not be able to come out every week, maybe every two weeks, but as hard as it is do NOT do any work at her place. If she gives you a list hand it back and tell her you are not going to do them or can't do them anymore. Get estimates with your mother present for the cost of maintaining the yard and trimming of trees, etc. every week, and then get an estimate for someone to come into her home to clean, do laundry and run errands such as, etc., once she sees the cost of those things she may really consider moving. You may have to give her some tuff love and tell her if she doesn’t want to hire for these tasks then she will have to start doing them herself.
Don’t asked her but make up an excuse and just take her to apartments, town homes, assisted living facility, whatever is in your area or close to your area and talk them up to her. Then maybe take her to lunch or dinner and talk what the good that could come from her moving there and how her life would improve and how you and your family could enjoy visiting her instead of working and never really visiting. Speak about your daughter (or bring your daughter with you) how she also wished that she could just enjoy visiting grandma instead of working at her place. Maybe your daughter (or you) can say to her that she would love to go to movie with grandma, but all her time is spent working. Maybe mention that your dad wouldn’t want her to maintain all of that but would want her to enjoy life. Tell her what your dad told you, that he wanted to make sure that your mom moved somewhere smaller.
If she refuses to move then as hard as it is you will have to take the hard road and say no that you will not be coming out and working and you have to stand firm. Only go out there every other week just to check on her, but do NOT do any work.
If she stays there and you find she is unable to do everything and doesn’t want to pay to have it done, now you can use your POA and tell her you are moving her to where ever and you can put the house up for sale and use the funds for your mothers care. She may be upset with you and fight you every step of the way, but once she finds how easier her life is, and how much she enjoys your company, eating out, etc., she will get over it.
That is nuts, isn’t it? Sorry to insult your dad’s wife but it makes no sense to me. Is your dad lonely without his wife? Is she lonely without him? I don’t think I could be fond of her knowing how she feels about your family.
What is the attachment to the farm? Curious...
If she hasn't the funds, then tell her she has to move.
My father cried the day I told him he had to move to my front yard - he bought a new mobile home and within 24 hours he was thrilled that I made him move.
Nice that he cooperated! Good for him. Happy for you.
Cheap labor, huh?
We are accustomed to dealing with our parents as full-fledged responsible adults. It's hard to pinpoint when they stop being that. Dementia is hard to tell apart from plain old stubbornness.
(My own mother, 92, and my father -who died in 2004- had a deep wish to not be a burden to their three daughters. They bought LTC insurance and downsized. Mom is now in Assisted Living and remains Adult enough to know it was the right move to make.)
I think it's important to have a one-on-one conversation in person and stress your relationship. When Mom was insisting on trying to balance her checkbook every month, even though she kept a huge balance and I kept an eye out online, we would have our long-distance conversations almost entirely about money. Not much personal. It was not fun and it was hard. I complained to her about the way she kept her checkbook and tried to give her tools to make it all easier. Usually there was balance; when there wasn't, oh, my! But she would say, It's working fine; I would say, THIS in not "working." I kept at it for a long time until finally, in person while visiting, I told her, I can't do this anymore. It's too stressful and we don't get to enjoy each other. There's no need for it. **We are not going to do this anymore.**
She accepted this, and she realized I was right. When it was time for her to stop driving, we did a cutback first (only to church on Sundays), knowing that she would feel increasingly uncomfortable driving to the point that she would give it up. And that is what happened.
My mother has been willing to move, twice now - very unlike your tough situation. My point is to stress "the importance of the personal relationship" in order to break through the obstinance.
It also helps to put yourself in your mother's shoes. She would be giving up what she knows. Change is daunting at her age, and frightening for anyone who is hanging on to bits and pieces of his or her formerly adult, full-brained life. Also, I think a lack of empathy starts to grow as one gets really old. The world shrinks and pretty soon it's "all about me." The imagination is insufficient to even think about being someplace else.
Be kind - but be firm about what you are willing to do. When she talks about the issues/problems she wants you to tackle, bring up your own issues. Bring up things that widen her world again. Ultimately, you do have to say no, and stick to it. Allow her to save face in your conversations about these matters, too. Example: Tell her you've not done a good job keeping her up-to-date on your own goings-on and how much her household maintenance has affected you and your husband, and in fact you hadn't quite come fully to grips with this yourself till recently. Continuing: We can't change what's past but we do need, the both of us, to see our way forward. Etc. Etc.
Plan out some steps - bit by bit, inch by inch. Don't overwhelm yourself with the huge thought of oh my goodness what am I going to do. Tell her when you will be visiting and what you two will be doing - out for lunch?, a bit of shopping? Another visit, perhaps have a yard/property service come out and meet with the two of you. Let her hear about the cost. Talk about the prospect you yourself might have to hire things out.
Remember also that you are trying to what is best for her, not just for you.
I like how you say to widen their world. So true, they do become so narrow minded. I don’t even think they realize it half the time.
She asks: "why do people keep telling me I need to move to town."
She sympathises with your difficulties.
Then she adds to the To Do list.
Only Connect, Mother!
Seriously, draw her a picture. Sit down with the to do list and her at her kitchen table. Draw a timetable of the various items. Ask her how she thinks these tasks are going to get done, given that the "staff" are approaching retirement age themselves and have worries of their own.
But first of all, think about where she might go so that you have some attractive options ready for when the penny drops.
You need to do this so that you can go on loving her. Don't get resentful, and don't assume it will go badly - why shouldn't all be well when everyone wants everyone to be okay?
It appears that you may be too close to the situation to see clearly, and would need advice and much support to get through this with Mom.
You and your husband could be in perfect health, have a professional landscaping business yourselves, and STILL be justified in NOT doing THE LIST.
Tell MOM that you are going to honor your Dad's instructions to you about Mom.
That when she needs to downsize and move, you will be there for her, helping to hire movers, etc.
Tell Mom that you can help her find a handyman/gardener to help her from now on.
No more guilt, where is that coming from anyway? Caregivers here can support you through this!
May your heart be lifted up and less burdened soon.
P.S. When I posted this earlier, I did not see the many good answers and support already given.
Now I can say, that I too can no longer "volunteer" my hubs to do things for others because of his health. And, that even though we were volunteering as a team, I should have never asked him because he could not say "No".
Now, I must learn to stop, ask myself first, "what if I did nothing about (a certain issue) having to do with the neighbors or family." That is when I am going to be able to better prioritize our needs vs. their needs.
You wrote a novel explaining all your reasons to quit taking care of the country place. You should never feel so defensive! You are right!! The only reason you need is that it's not your home, or your life. ITS HERS! You should copy this forum post to a printable word document, and take it to her to read. If she has her senses about her, she will cease to make the takeover of your life an expectation. I hope she has the resources to hire help for all the chores and duties a country life requires. If she doesn't, maybe a young family member hankering for the lifestyle could come in and pick it up. If not, her only choice is to sell the country estate and downsize, to make her life manageable by HER. Good luck and know that you are deeply heard.
It’s possible that some [SOME] of her defensiveness and resistance to change is the onset of dementia.
For many, the early signs are: black-and-white thinking; diminished ability to reason; decreased executive function.
This early haze is difficult for us adult kids to suss out. Especially if parent has always been self-centered, eccentric, bombastic or demanding.
Oh - it’s also difficult for us adult kids to suss out because we are not neurologists.
Do you have medical & financial POA? If so, you have authority for next steps if Mom is medically unable to live at home. (This includes being able to manage Mom’s $ and sell her property.)
POA is a huge responsibility, and it can be a burden. But.
If Mom does not deem you worthy of being POA, you are (essentially) an unpaid chorehorse.
I can relate. Been there, done that. My schedule/travel was not as brutal as yours. But I, too, spent a significant % of my free time and mental resources co-living Mom’s life. All the while, I was not POA.
The very things I did for Mom (shopping, yard work, chores, supervising her check-writing) became the things that barely got done at my house. Mom had other options. But I let my heart rule my head.
And Mom fueled the fire with outsized intractability. Which was, in hindsight, an early symptom of you-know-what.
The ‘good daughter’ narrative is strong. It’s also (frequently) a red herring that masks fear, co-dependency and “not wanting to look bad.”
Weese, you can change this. You can back off. You can set boundaries. It will feel soooo uncomfortable (at first) that you might be tempted to revert to your current grind. Don’t!
Put head before your heart. Prioritize. Get tough.
It doesn’t mean you love Mom any less. It means you are exercising your right to honor yourself and take care of yourself. You matter, too. (((big hugs)))
Change is hard. But find mom a smaller place. She will adjust. Gentle hugs to you for your lupus.