Follow
Share

Mother married 5 times. She has also moved 15 times in 10 years and says people live in her attic. She has money, but has still worn me out every week going to the bank making sure money is there. She believes that people in the attic will steal it, but Medicare test says she's component. Really? I think it's mental illness, and I feel guilty because I want some freedom to live my life. She's in assisted living, there are support options. I've suffered stage 4 cancer twice and am in remission. She didn't come when I was really sick with cancer, but I feel guilty as I'm the only one she has. I just want time to spend with my family and have some peace. I just want to visit a couple times a week and that's it. Am I wrong? I’m currently in therapy.

Find Care & Housing
Your mother likely has dementia with all the paranoia about people living in the attic! What sort of "Medicare test" says she's competent? What score did she get on a cognition test that you know to be a fact?? Not a test where she's asked what year it is and to name the president.

All that aside, it's not your job to schlep mother to the bank. The AL has a mini bus. Mother has a phone, I'm sure, and can call the bank for a balance update. If you're her caregiver, what's the point of AL?

And what do YOU have to feel guilty about??? You are not "all she has"! She has a staff of people to help her, other residents to hang around with, and a mini bus to schlep her around! Tell mom you are unwell and need time for yourself. You'll see her once a week from X to X time and that's it. Get her seen by the AL doc for her paranoia and some calming meds, too.

Move on with YOUR life and acknowledge you're not responsible for HERS.

Good luck to you.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to lealonnie1
Report

I dont think you are wrong based on the brief description. She is in assisted living and being cared for. Limit your visits to what you can manage
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to strugglinson
Report

It is easy for me to say... Don't feel guilty but you will. My father fell Monday and the paramedics talked him into going to the ER. Dad ended up being admitted and is currently in ICU. I have visited him a few times, including today but I only stay for an hour whereas previously I was staying 8 to 10 hours every day.
I feel guilty but I keep justifying it knowing IF he comes home, I will need to be here 24 hours a day and we will be back to square one trying to get him back to where he was before which wasn't wonderful but doable. The thought of him being 100% bedridden again and having to deal with that makes me hope he passes in the hospital. Horrible to say but I am being honest.
I am feeling "normal" again, I have been living with him for 6 months full time and I don't want this feeling to end. But, I am prepared if I have to do another round of this, at least this time I know to start the Zoloft immediately.
Hang in there.... My motto: We are not meant to live FOREVER.

Starr
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Starrann69
Report
Anxietynacy Jul 26, 2024
Star, so sorry about your dad! 😔🙏
(0)
Report
See 1 more reply
You didn't cause your mother's ills and you can't fix them.
Guilt requires causation and a refusal to fix something; that's not you, so guilt is entirely inappropriate in your case.
I think what you may be feeling is grief that your mother's limitations are so burdensome and that you cannot fix them, but in fact, you CANNOT fix them.

Throwing your own life on your mother's funeral pyre is a terrible waste, and if that is what you in tend doing then I think it is appropriate to feel guilty over that wasting. It will not help your mother feel content; that isn't how she rolls. It will only add to your burdens for no good reason.
Cancers are fed, some doctors believe, by the anxiety producing cortisols released with anxiety and feeling bad.
I am thankful you are in therapy and I hope you have a GOOD therapist, one that will shake you up and help you move away from habitual ways of behaving that harm you.
The good news here is that Mom is in care and there are folks paid to put up with her machin ations. I would be surprised if she was ever a whole lot different. One thing that is certain is that she isn't in your control, so give up hoping for change and move on with a quality life.
I wish you the very best.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to AlvaDeer
Report

No, you are not wrong about wanting to spend more time with your immediate family and for wanting more peace in your life. In fact you're spot on. After having cancer twice now that is the least that you deserve.
You actually owe your mother nothing you know. As in nothing.
But you do owe yourself and immediate family the best version of yourself. And if that means you only visit your mother ONCE a week or month so you can have some peace in your life, well...so be it.
And don't answer your phone if your mother calls, but let them go to voicemail. And tell the assisted living facility to only call you if there is a true emergency.
Your mother obviously have some mental decline going on, more than likely dementia of some sort, and needs to be on some medication(s) for her delusions.
Let her doctor work all that out and start distancing yourself for your own mental health's sake.
And quit feeling guilty over something you have no control over. You didn't make your mother old or demented.
I'm sorry that you too were short changed when it came to mothers, many of us were, but hopefully we learn from that and make wiser and better choices when it comes to our own children and grandchildren.
So start enjoying your children and grandchildren and stay healthy both physically and mentally.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to funkygrandma59
Report

Limit your visits. The only thing we "owe" our parents is to see that they have care. I oversaw my dad's care with a once a week visit to memory care (although I did prepare and take food stuff and other needs like lotions and socks) after his vascular dementia made him aggressive with my mom and I. I understand the guilt BUT you have nothing to be guilty about.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to TNtechie
Report
strugglinson Jul 26, 2024
agree! This is a good way to try to alleviate guilt. you can advocate for them and their care. without over investing emotion and energy above and beyond that. its not easy but if you can resolve it this way, that can help
(0)
Report
Annie, so sorry about your mom, I honestly don't think what your feeling is guilt, it's grieving, your grieving your moms health failing, and it's disguised as guilt.

I know cuz I'm going through something similar, moms not in an Al
But I'm backing way off because I can't get the family on board with getting her in one and I'm pretty much waiting for a fall, at this point. And it's been so hard!!!

I've taking my mom for 4 years to every store she wanted to go to , every wheres because she can't drive, to the point where I hate shopping. This morning I went to a dollar general by myself I felt like a little kid out by herself for the first time. I felt like grinning from ear to ear. Then I'm like am I a horrible person? moms home in pain and I'm happy.

No I'm not! I've been though a lot!!
And deserve to be happy.

Best of luck, from one caregiver to another, going through the hardest thing we will ever go through at this time
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Anxietynacy
Report
Anxietynacy Jul 26, 2024
Also want to add, this is a roller coaster of a ride, one minute like today I'm happy, because mom had PT and I new someone was in and out.

Tomorrow who knows what will happen.
(2)
Report
Honey, cut it. Live your life. These type of people will always be okay with whatever path they travel down.
Live your life and learn to ignore the stories of the little green men in the attic stealing money. I thought I would throw that one in there for laughs.

You can only do what you can do. Stop making unnecessary trips to the bank and double checking everything. It is not needed. Can you call the bank instead to check the balance?

But on a more serious note, you don't need permission from anyone to live your life. Life is your gift. Live it to the fullest.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to Scampie1
Report

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter