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my husband has had chronic health issues for the past five years.meds have caused changes in my husband's behavior, Angry outbursts, short fused, irritability, mood swings. ive been in the position to notice health changes, need for medical intervention etc. my sister in law recently accussed me of hovering over and smothering my husband, and excused his behavior as frustration over my care. i didn't respond, however i'd like my husband to set her straight. hes afraid to cause a rift in the relationship and prefers ignoring her comment. i can't,,,,,
You know you did the best you could at the time-that is all you can do-family members who do not help and just point fingers at you will have to give an account one day about how they behaved while in this world and God does not want excusses.
I just want to thank everyone who contributed to this thread. I was searching for posts on this site that spoke to my situation. It is very painful having this kind of conflict with siblings. I just needed to know that it was an issue that caregivers face --- my self-esteem needs bolstering after hearing yet another insult hurled by a sister.
I had been the primary caregiver for both parents from for the past several years. From the beginning, my sisters and I were at odds --- they wanted to move my folks to a facility. I wanted to honor their wishes by making arrangements so they could continue living at home for as long as possible.
My Mom passed away last October at home. Shortly after that, my sister made arrangements for Dad to be moved to a nursing home. My caregiving efforts are being characterized as --- mooching off my parents (among other things). I was there every day to take care of them. How could they get it so utterly wrong?!
Now I understand from reading similar stories that siblings who live out of town have no earthly idea what's going on. They may have jealousy or maybe they just plain have mental health issues. Maybe they cannot fathom that a sibling of theirs would want to help out in this way without any renumeration. In my case, I can understand some of that because for many years I lived far, far away and did not visit on a regular basis.
I hope that my sisters and I will be able to come together in understanding one day. However, I think there's been too much fall-out from this situation for any healing to occur without some miraculous intervention. At this point, I am just attempting to reach a place of acceptance. I haven't been so much angry at them as I have doubted myself and wondered what I did wrong. It's time stop beating myself up over this crap.
Daughter52, I understand completely! My older sister would come by and tell me that mom behaves the way she does because of her age. But my sister does not get and now that we are in Stage 4 of Alzheimer's with each day being something new, I just don't take crap.
Your sister doesn't get it and that is sad that she has to be that way. The care giving job is tough, but family will make it that much worse.
Do you have other siblings? Do they give you a hard time?
I agree with Fyrefly, keep a journal with a record of every appointment and $ spent. We moved mother in 7 yrs ago with us and used to keep everyone posted as to her progress or down falls. I now only inform my brother, who gives us full control of her well being. Everyone else DOES NOT MATTER. Had we put her in a home 7 yrs ago, she would withered away and been gone by now. Stick to you guns, listen to you attorney and her doctors.
Scollina, you did not offend me at all. I was just letting you know how I try to handle things. Every family has their own dynamics, my family is just nuts. Perhaps we should trade a few family members. :-)
When they say you can't pick your family members they are so right! I am glad your family members have done their research, I have one sister that has done her research. She struggled with the Alzheimer's diagnosis because she felt really blind sided. I told them I felt that mom had dementia and I wanted to have her tested, they thought I was nuts. It took her a couple of months to be able to handle the diagnosis and accept it. My other 2 sisters I have no idea. I heard my oldest sister tell one guy that my mom had dementia and it might lead to Alzheimer's, of course that was not correct. Denial seems to be a big thing with my siblings, so I have one that understands and 2 missing in action. LOL!! Not sure they will ever appear in the same understanding or not.
So no worries, I was not offended at all, just sharing how I deal with my family. You see I had a 2nd cousin that was 13 years old that told me that the reason my mom's leg didn't heal was my fault. So that did not set well with me.
You see my mom has a broken leg that isn't going to heal and now Alzheimer's. So it has been an interesting 2 years so far.
I appreciate the prayers and I pray that things improve for you. I have said before it is easier to deal with big budgets, employee issues and corporate politics far easier than dealing with family. :-)
I have addressed this issue in other areas on this site but my story goes like this...I have been taking care of and living with my mother, who has moderate stage vascular dementia/alzheimer's, since her stroke in 2009. In that time she has gradually declined. Because she has, I only work part time as a housekeeper to have more time to spend at home. I am the ONLY one of her children who is able to take on her care. She gets occasional help from another sibling who lives close by. My point is that the tolls of being a caregiver have challenged my sanity and emotions to the limit sometimes. My sister, who lives about 2 hrs away and only visits on certain occasions, felt it was her duty to let me know that she thought I was not compassionate enough (I get short in my attitude sometimes) toward mom. Needless to say, I blew up at her lack of understanding of what its like to care for someone with mom's health issues on a daily basis. Walk a mile in my shoes I said to her instead of making that judgement based on the very few and short visit she makes to mom's house. So now, my sister has not spoken to me for a year. I simply stood my ground and wrote her a heartfelt letter telling her how I was sorry that we disagree. I still feel justified and at peace with myself knowing that I am doing the best I can.
I am sorry if I offended in any way, your situation is much different than mine. My family members have done research and are open to new info, call regularly (two nieces call every week!), and we all try to visit as much as we can afford to. I guess I should count my blessings that we all want to make sure that the best care is being given... just hard to from a distance and having to step carefully when offering help. I appreciate that you have tried to keep everyone informed while taking on the day-to-day. (Maybe we need to trade a few family members?;-) I will keep you in my prayers as you deal with the family dynamics, while focusing on the important stuff, caring for your mom.
Scollina, I am happy to answer questions about my mom and her condition, but I do have issues with people just asking me about her condition and never calling my mom. You see my niece likes to ask my husband via a Facebook chat how her grandma is doing, but yet she can't pick up the phone to say hello to her grandma. This bothers the daylights out of me because I know that grandma would like to talk with her granddaughters.
I also send emails to all of my siblings about her doctor's visits and what the doctor says.
I take offense to be told what I am doing right and what I am doing wrong. Questions about her condition and behavior are not a problem, but telling me how to handle a situation or how to provide her care bother me greatly. I am with my mother almost 24/7. My husband gives me a break, we take turns or I do have a couple of sisters that will sit for a couple of hours with mom for me to have a break, but I am the one that gets her up and deals with every mood good or bad.
The other thing is I have an issue with family, friends and siblings that do not understand the disease. I have sent my family weblinks to learn more so they understand what is going on. My mom has Alzheimer's and I have a couple of sisters that thinks that means she will forget their names and nothing else. They won't take the time to do the research.
So for me, if you are just asking about her health there is not a problem. It is the comments about the specific way care is being handle that could be where problems lie.
Now, I am speaking for myself, you may want to just have an honest conversation with the one that is caring for your parents.
Just based on my own experience and those I know going through this: Is it really an attack or are they just asking questions because they can't be there and they still care? Sometimes, to the one who is the main care giver, any questioning may seem like an attack. Resentment of being the one "stuck" with all the hard work while the others do nothing can be frustrating. I do not live close enough to help day to day, and many of my offers to help have been brushed aside (my interpretation). How to ask without offending the one carrying the brunt of the parent care? I feel I still have a right to know and have some input about my parents, even if I can't be right there.
I only have one sibling, a younger brother. Who does nothing to help, talks about things he did do for our parents, 20 some odd years ago that don't matter, literally, but in his mind that's his help he gave. Gets in my face, calls me names, bumps into me on purpose, he's 6' 3', I'm 5' 6", he has a record for assault. Says when our Dad passes he wants to..... on his grave. The only thing standing between him and my dad is me. Dad gets around good, just fine, can take care of himself really, I help when asked, and go by and visit with him a few times a week, check on things, make sure he's taking his meds, stuff like that, and dad comes out to my house once or twice a week. Even so, with dad being in good mind and able to get around, my brother is trying to set up the appearance that dad needs to go into a home. He thinks this will give him control of the estate. He harasses me to get me to back away obviously. Isn't it just wonderful, Dad says I can't believe this is my child. In a way I'm shocked at how many people there are like this that I read about on here, and then on the other hand, I'm relieved for myself that I'm not alone. I just wish I could figure out some way of getting rid of my fear every time I see my brother or the fear I have of even possibly being around him. I can't get a restraining order or anything like that, it would just make it worse. That's my big problem right now.
Niteorchard3, I tell them to mind their own business. Sorry, but I took crap from some family members and the worst incident happened on Facebook. I tried to be polite, but after I was accused of the reason my mother broke her leg and the reason it was not healing, I changed my whole attitude.
I am sorry that family is giving you a hard time, but my words would be if you can do better than get off your lazy butt and come do it otherwise keep your comments to yourself.
I know it sounds harsh but I have more challenges with my mom's siblings than my own. My own siblings say nothing, but my mom's are a whole other story. My mom has 2 sisters that not only give me a hard time but their children and grandchildren give me a hard time.
So I tell them to mind their own business. I tell them I don't tell them how to care for their parents and they don't need to tell me how to care for mine.
I realize it sounds mean, but care giving is a hard job of love, we need cheerleaders that support what we do and not sit on the sidelines giving directions. Most of my issues are because my mom's siblings have children that won't do anything with them. I take mom shopping and on trips, so they get jealous.
So I believe in this situation the direct and honest approach is best. If they do not like it and do not want to speak to me, I can live with that. They still talk with mom, but they can't even call my mom most days, so I am not taking their orders or insults.
I say stand up and do not take it. You do not have to accept the drama that family can create.
Because of the situation between my siblings and my father, they don't critique my care giving anymore. I told them if you can do a better job be my guest. You want to see people run like the house is on fire. Several of my siblings are in denial about my fathers condition. Others can only tolerate him for 15 minutes at a time and still others burned the bridge (no longer socialize). Holidays are always interesting when we all get together, that is if anybody shows up. I have only one sister that helps out occasionally, but she has a sense of entitlement. She feels that she should be repaid for her time. There are times she says things and I have no idea where she gets these selfish thoughts. Unfortunately that is the way it is and it's not going to change. If and when my father goes into assisted living, I will still visit him and take him to Medical appointments. But as for helping my siblings with cleaning out his home and stealing his wedding/family photos, I won't be helping them but hindering. There failure to help with his care, appointments, meals, errands, and house keeping for the last year or so has made me less agreeable to there desires. Okay so basicly I don't give a damn what they say or think. Sad but true.
I have learned in a very short time that when one becomes a caregiver you also seem to become a target for others "guilt" My husband developed numerous illnesses most rectently Vascular Dementia, we have 3 children, two of them have and are very supportive of us, however ther third/middle child and his wife are and always have been very distant, beleiving everything they did and thought was the "proper" ways. They have distanced themselves for years from us and their two siblings, acusing us of playing favorites, etc. Now they seem to think what I and the others are doing to care for his father are not ENOUGH, he never has had the time to share with us, unless it was convient for him. even thru the numerous hospital stays my husband has had. Recently there was an episode of the dimentia, my husband called him said he was being mistreated, so the son said he would come get him, so he started packing his suitcase....I had to contact our son via text (because he would not answer my phone callsl) to explain just why he could not remove him from his surroundings. His comments, was acusitory in that had I checked with all doctors, etc....again he thought he knew best for his father, even tho he had not seen him for almost a year and only spoken to him on the phone for a couple of times. (he would not talk to me, cause he thought I had taken his father away from him, and had said, in his mind some inappropriate things to him and his family) He has distanced his self from us and his siblings for years, and now he thinks he knows WHATS BEST FOR HIS FATHER, why is it that when one becomes a caretaker by choice or force, that they also become a target for others, condemnation, is it their guilt? Whatever it is, it is another challenge to deal with by doing the best we can with the information, and energy we have. For all us I Ask daily for the physical and emotional energy to keep going forth in this journey
Recently I my mother, who has lived with me for the last 9 years, has moved into hospice in the home. This change of status apparently has triggered many emotional responses in my siblings. My older sister has been anticipating this for a year and spoken many times about coming and staying with my mother through this end-of-life process. It seems she's had a change of heart but can't really face up to it. Knowing her well, I never took her "musings" seriously. So, when I gave her, along with my other sister and two brothers, the update, she became cold, complained she didn't understand what I was saying, accused me of wanting to do things only my way (implying I was cutting her and the family out of any participation although I do have durable power of attorney for health care and power of attorney for property) and, yet, was wanting something from her, too. To make matters worse, she attempte to involve my other sister in some sort of alliance over this. What really seems to be going on is her guilt over changing her mind, an inability to own up to it, talk about it, and understand that I can't hold her responsible for taking care of our mother. I don't want to waste this cherished time with my mother dealing with my sister's issues and told her so. This time is about my mother's end of life journey, not about my sister's guilt and deflection. Sometimes, it is hard to point out a family member's emotional dysfunction and how it is negatively impacting others. Yet, it was important under these circumstances for me to tell both of my sisters what I tought was happening and to say it should cease.
No there is no where that I can go or I would have already gone. I cant understand why they are so jealous over me helping my mother it does not pay. There waiting here everyday like birds of prey. When they could go out and have a great life.
Is there any other place you could live and let then take care of her since they do not like what you are doing-you need to get out of that crazy home-if even for a short while-could you visit someone for a time-please keep us posted-I think I would report this to APS and get them involved.
What if you did move out? It sounds like there are plenty of people there who could take over, especially since they seem to know better than you do how things should be done.
Do you have a good friend you could move in with for a few weeks?
I do not know because I am being pushed around as a caregiver by my brothers daughter, and her son, who threatened me today with, (thats it I am going to beat you up) because they are my mothers guest and I cant say what goes on in her house. So her company is pushing at the caregiver and now the caregivers brother who just had his leg amputated is also coming to live with the 87 year old mother and 49 year old sister the caregiver. My Mother is also taking sides with the great grandson who threatened her daughter it really hurts my feelings because she said that I would have to move out if I called the police. Why would she listen to a threat against her daughter and take the wrong side and what can I do they are here everday. I have told them not to knock on my door and they still do how can I keep justice in my moms house with a lack of respect for the caregiver.
What I've done to "protect" myself as my mom's POA and caregiver is to keep a journal. I have every penny, every phone call, and all my concerns documented. It may not help me to deal with the nastiness from relatives, but I can easily prove that their allegations are unfounded.
I wish I had a better idea on how to get them involved and willing to help. They would rather blame me, than help me to help my mom. I'm walking a fine line between the accusations, and the need to have her seen and under a doctor's care. I even contacted Adult Protective Services to see if they could get her to see a doctor. Do your best, weigh each decision carefully, and DOCUMENT it! -FyreFly
I agree that it's common for some families to resent the person who is giving care. The responses from all of these good people are wonderful. You need to be true to yourself and the truth. Hang onto it. Your mother may be in a stage of undiagnosed dementia, it could be her blood sugar, or a combination of things - plus manipulation by family members. Anyway, you have a lot to cope with and many members of the forum have been in your place. Please keep coming back to check on answers. Take care, Carol
Thanks, both of you. The only support group I have ever had was my sibs. We grew up in the military so we only ever had each other. Now I don't have them. However, I have my husband and kids still and I know they will be there for me no matter what, although my oldest sister seems to think if she bad mouths me to them. They just get a little more mad each time she does it. The statements have been made both over the phone and in emails. They also make statements on our family web site. They have been going into MySpace and accessing my page. They cut and paste what I type as my status, change it around and make it mean something totally different then what I said to begai with. She has evidentaly convinced my mother that I am the one making these hateful statements to her and that she is innocent in the whole thing. It amazes me that everyone is saying that I was mooching and stealing from her even though I had my own income coming in, but my sister isn't working and has no money to speak of saved up, but no one says anything. Oh well, I guess I will just need to be the bigger person here and let it go even if it is causing my medical problems to worsen and I keep slipping into a real deep depression, I need to pull myself up and shake it off. or like they used to say when I was in the AF; "suck it up"
For some reason when you are the one who is providing the care that the rest of the family refuses to give, you are hated by the rest of the family! I don't know if it is a control issue, or an issue of guilt but they take it out on you. It's not fair and in our case has caused a huge rift that cannot be repaired between brothers. You would think that a family would pull together in this type of circumstance, not fight over it. We have been accused of living off of Mom and abusing Mom. Both of which is easily proved untrue.
Stand tall. You know what you are doing is right and just in the eyes of the Lord. For us our Faith is everything. We do have each other, Thank God! Don't let the negativity of others effect who you are. It's painful, but you have to take control. Explain that you love your sibling, but you do not have to take their abuse. If they wish to be helpful and add to the care of your loved one, then they are welcome to come around, but if they choose to be ugly they need to stay away.
For us, we have a sole POA. This means that we do not have to have the approval of the family to take care of Mom. We just do it. We were able to take a stand and tell the ugly one to stop and when the threats came, we took out an order of protection. We were given no choice. In taking the stand and following through with the order, it stopped all the bickering and ugliness. We had to show strength. Not the outcome that we wanted, but the outcome that was necessary.
Mine have attacked me more than you can imagine and I hate it. I deal with accusations and verbal abuse. Is it on the phone or email? So much depends on what your position is in this situation. You can just not retaliate, that hate that and you win. I know its hard, I cant even do it but recently tried and it worked well so far. Its usually from the siblings who's mouths are going but they do nothing to help.
Usually you can not do any thing just stay true to yourself and know you are doing what is right and not let them get you upset and I hope you have a good support group of friends. My mother always said to ignor people giving you a hard time that will hurt them more than anything else-do not waste your time with them-life is too short they may have their treasure here on earth but your treasure will be with God in eternity-pray to God to give you strength and wisdom,
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I had been the primary caregiver for both parents from for the past several years. From the beginning, my sisters and I were at odds --- they wanted to move my folks to a facility. I wanted to honor their wishes by making arrangements so they could continue living at home for as long as possible.
My Mom passed away last October at home. Shortly after that, my sister made arrangements for Dad to be moved to a nursing home. My caregiving efforts are being characterized as --- mooching off my parents (among other things). I was there every day to take care of them. How could they get it so utterly wrong?!
Now I understand from reading similar stories that siblings who live out of town have no earthly idea what's going on. They may have jealousy or maybe they just plain have mental health issues. Maybe they cannot fathom that a sibling of theirs would want to help out in this way without any renumeration. In my case, I can understand some of that because for many years I lived far, far away and did not visit on a regular basis.
I hope that my sisters and I will be able to come together in understanding one day. However, I think there's been too much fall-out from this situation for any healing to occur without some miraculous intervention. At this point, I am just attempting to reach a place of acceptance. I haven't been so much angry at them as I have doubted myself and wondered what I did wrong. It's time stop beating myself up over this crap.
Your sister doesn't get it and that is sad that she has to be that way. The care giving job is tough, but family will make it that much worse.
Do you have other siblings? Do they give you a hard time?
When they say you can't pick your family members they are so right! I am glad your family members have done their research, I have one sister that has done her research. She struggled with the Alzheimer's diagnosis because she felt really blind sided. I told them I felt that mom had dementia and I wanted to have her tested, they thought I was nuts. It took her a couple of months to be able to handle the diagnosis and accept it. My other 2 sisters I have no idea. I heard my oldest sister tell one guy that my mom had dementia and it might lead to Alzheimer's, of course that was not correct. Denial seems to be a big thing with my siblings, so I have one that understands and 2 missing in action. LOL!! Not sure they will ever appear in the same understanding or not.
So no worries, I was not offended at all, just sharing how I deal with my family. You see I had a 2nd cousin that was 13 years old that told me that the reason my mom's leg didn't heal was my fault. So that did not set well with me.
You see my mom has a broken leg that isn't going to heal and now Alzheimer's. So it has been an interesting 2 years so far.
I appreciate the prayers and I pray that things improve for you. I have said before it is easier to deal with big budgets, employee issues and corporate politics far easier than dealing with family. :-)
I also send emails to all of my siblings about her doctor's visits and what the doctor says.
I take offense to be told what I am doing right and what I am doing wrong. Questions about her condition and behavior are not a problem, but telling me how to handle a situation or how to provide her care bother me greatly. I am with my mother almost 24/7. My husband gives me a break, we take turns or I do have a couple of sisters that will sit for a couple of hours with mom for me to have a break, but I am the one that gets her up and deals with every mood good or bad.
The other thing is I have an issue with family, friends and siblings that do not understand the disease. I have sent my family weblinks to learn more so they understand what is going on. My mom has Alzheimer's and I have a couple of sisters that thinks that means she will forget their names and nothing else. They won't take the time to do the research.
So for me, if you are just asking about her health there is not a problem. It is the comments about the specific way care is being handle that could be where problems lie.
Now, I am speaking for myself, you may want to just have an honest conversation with the one that is caring for your parents.
I am sorry that family is giving you a hard time, but my words would be if you can do better than get off your lazy butt and come do it otherwise keep your comments to yourself.
I know it sounds harsh but I have more challenges with my mom's siblings than my own. My own siblings say nothing, but my mom's are a whole other story. My mom has 2 sisters that not only give me a hard time but their children and grandchildren give me a hard time.
So I tell them to mind their own business. I tell them I don't tell them how to care for their parents and they don't need to tell me how to care for mine.
I realize it sounds mean, but care giving is a hard job of love, we need cheerleaders that support what we do and not sit on the sidelines giving directions. Most of my issues are because my mom's siblings have children that won't do anything with them. I take mom shopping and on trips, so they get jealous.
So I believe in this situation the direct and honest approach is best. If they do not like it and do not want to speak to me, I can live with that. They still talk with mom, but they can't even call my mom most days, so I am not taking their orders or insults.
I say stand up and do not take it. You do not have to accept the drama that family can create.
For all us I Ask daily for the physical and emotional energy to keep going forth in this journey
Do you have a good friend you could move in with for a few weeks?
I wish I had a better idea on how to get them involved and willing to help. They would rather blame me, than help me to help my mom. I'm walking a fine line between the accusations, and the need to have her seen and under a doctor's care. I even contacted Adult Protective Services to see if they could get her to see a doctor. Do your best, weigh each decision carefully, and DOCUMENT it!
-FyreFly
Take care,
Carol
Stand tall. You know what you are doing is right and just in the eyes of the Lord. For us our Faith is everything. We do have each other, Thank God! Don't let the negativity of others effect who you are. It's painful, but you have to take control. Explain that you love your sibling, but you do not have to take their abuse. If they wish to be helpful and add to the care of your loved one, then they are welcome to come around, but if they choose to be ugly they need to stay away.
For us, we have a sole POA. This means that we do not have to have the approval of the family to take care of Mom. We just do it. We were able to take a stand and tell the ugly one to stop and when the threats came, we took out an order of protection. We were given no choice. In taking the stand and following through with the order, it stopped all the bickering and ugliness. We had to show strength. Not the outcome that we wanted, but the outcome that was necessary.
Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself!
Pattie