Has anyone chosen to skip doing a funeral service and celebration of life for your mother? If so, what did you do instead?

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Has anyone chosen to skip doing a funeral service and celebration of life for your mother? If so, what did you do instead?

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I really do not want to do a service when my mom passes. My family was not supportive at all and feel it will bring up hard feelings and disgust to have to see these people again. But, my mom does have brothers who might like to say their goodbyes, but I don't want anything to do with them. Thank you for any ideas on an alternative.

Care Decisions End of Life Funeral Planning Relationships

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Graveside service, brief and low key.

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Reply to Fawnby

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My VERY narcissistic, abusive FIL had an ELABORATE plan for his funeral. All of the bells and whistles. If you can do it at a funeral, he wanted it. But he didn't pre-pay for a penny of it. He DID leave a small life insurance policy intended for that purpose.

That was kind of his final jab at both DH and my SIL. Because he knew SIL didn't have two pennies to rub together (she and her DH were financially dependent on FIL) and he made sure the life insurance policy beneficiary was just DH (as executor) - which on paper looked normal. But he fully expected DH and myself to pay for any difference between the life insurance and the balance of his very elaborate funeral (I'm talking about a full choir, several ministers, over the top flowers, over the top anything you can think of).

DH and SIL were at some point in childhood scarred for life when it came to funerals to begin with. I don't know why - but attending was terribly hard for them in general. Their mom's funeral was prepaid and pretty basic - but they struggled to greet and process -they are both very private people. Their father - not so much - the more attention on him the better.

In the end, between DH, SIL, her DH and myself - (with the agreement of the adult grands who were the only other people we were concerned with) - we decided to have FIL cremated and have a private (as in just the people listed above) memorial. Period. No extra stress on DH and SIL (who had taken YEARS of abuse from FIL) and we did it on our time.

There was ONE person who was highly offended. His sister - who was 10 hours away and hadn't laid eyes on him in person in over 10 years. She was not happy that we didn't have some huge funeral (not that she would have attended) and "honor" him properly. She hasn't talked to us since he passed. Oh well.

My point- do what you feel comfortable with. Funerals are for the living. Unless she prepaid something - then you can honor those wishes if you choose to do so - but you don't have to do a large scale funeral - that's for you to decide.

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Reply to BlueEyedGirl94

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Usually one follows the deceased’s last wishes. If she wants a funeral, you can follow her wishes and just not go. There is no law that says you need to show up.

Im not planning on going to my father’s. There is no longer any reason to do so for me.

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Reply to Hothouseflower

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Traditionally none of my family has ever wanted services. My Dad did suggest we go to the local bar and hoist a mug in his honor. Odd, that, as he stopped drinking and never touched a drop after that choice.

What do we do? We meet with family and friends much as we do at any other time. We mourn in our own ways.

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Reply to AlvaDeer

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Your Dad perhaps was probably remembering when drinking was fun--in his 20s. Haha! (I waved buh-bye to alcohol 48 years ago; it wasn't fun anymore.)

Being no fan of organized religion, I've specifically directed "NO services of any kind". We prepaid for our cremations 25 years ago. The family can do whatever it wishes with the ashes--scatter at sea or in the mountains somewhere would be my vote. If I were younger--and we hadn't prepaid-- I might look into the new "aquamation" or "dust back to dust" arrangements.

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My father used to say, "If you can't visit when I'm alive, don't bother coming to my funeral." He said the same about gifts and flowers. My mother has said the same thing so it has been arranged for her to have private graveside rites, as much is allowed in a Veteran's cemetery. It will also be stated in her obituary. I may even hold off putting the obit in the local newspaper until that day is passed. There will be no "funeral feed" afterwards. Maybe my children and their spouses will decide to get a bite to eat; it will be only us. Like you, I have no gumption to have a bunch of relatives standing around saying how much they loved my mother and how they are going to miss her. I think with the flowers there will only be a flower blanket (I think that's what they are called.) covering her casket. That will be there mostly for me.

As far as the ones "who might like to say their goodbyes" it may be nice for you to personally invite them.

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Reply to uarew6

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The services given at Vet cemeteries are very nice. My experience was my in-laws services at a National Cemetery. We provided the Minister and the VA did the rest. The VA provides the plaque.

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If people want to say their "good-bye's" the time to do it is before the person dies.
If they can come now great. Let them know that there will be no service for mom that she will be cremated or the burial will be private. If they can not make it before she dies (and you want them there) then tell them that the burial will be on xx/x/xx at 10:30 at the cemetery. Tell them that it will be simply a burial and nothing more.

You don't have to do anything.
If this is a cremation the body can be picked up, and cremated and you will go pick up ashes when you want to.
If you want a burial the same process can be done. You just have to pre arrange everything and pay for everything and it will be done the way you want it. Trust me you are not the only one that they funeral home has had to deal with family drama they know how to handle things.

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Reply to Grandma1954

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I agree with this. When hospice was called in for my dad and we knew his time was close(r) we had a number of friends that either visited (quietly) or called and spoke to him. Before he passed - he let mom know that he had said goodbye to everyone he wanted to talk to.

For my FIL - he was angry and bitter and mean and abusive - right up until he essentially slipped into his hallucinations and delusions for a week or so, and then was essentially catatonic (maybe there is another word, I don't know) until he passed. DH, myself, our youngest DD, SIL and BIL went up to visit with him in his last hours (we frequently visited, this is just for clarity) and when they called the family in we did get my niece, nephew and our oldest daughter on the phone to say goodbye (they were not local).

We were the "bigger" people and called his sister to give her the opportunity to say goodbye - in spite of her making our lives a living hell while we were responsible for FIL.

After that - I'll be honest - anyone that would have come to a funeral would have done so not for FIL (he was not well liked) but for us. And since we didn't really want to listen to people "say the right things" because they felt they had to, we just skipped it entirely.

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I had an Aunt who was never married and had no kids but helped raise me with my Mom and 1 other sister. When she passed she was cremated. She had many nieces and nephews and their kids who she loved who regularly visited her in FL up until her passing at 100 and we alway went to "our" beach. We waded into the water on a beautiful day in an area where there were no people and discretely released her ashes from one of her large conch shells along with flowers from her garden and let the waters carry her out and settle into the sands. We sang and shared memories. That's what my last wishes are as well.

So maybe your Mom had a favorite place or activity that you can organize by invitation only. But I agree to start hinting to people that there won't be a public service so the time to visit her is now.

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Reply to Geaton777

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To me the idea of a ‘viewing’ is absolutely sick. The deceased’s face is made up to look like something they weren’t. My mother hadn’t worn lipstick in 50 years, it would have been an insult to her at the end. In the worst cases children are made to kiss the corpse. I went to a Greek funeral where it still happened. Utter Yuck!

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Reply to MargaretMcKen

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You can have a closed casket for the visitation or just let the family have a private viewing before everyone else arrives. That's what I did for my late husband. I knew that's what I'd want for him if he preseceased me. I knew that's what I wanted for any future husband of mine at about 11 years old when my grandmother died. Everyone kept saying, "Doesn't she look natural?" A cousin of mine and I walked away from her open casket and said, "No, she looks dead.'

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My mother prepaid her funeral in 2018. Stupid me, I thought the $10k paid would cover the funeral she chose. It would have in 2018 but not in 2024. We had to scale back A LOT. We picked what we felt was most important. The first was having my father there which meant renting an ambulette to be available the whole time in case my father needed to go back to the NH early. The second was the spray of yellow roses on the casket. That was very important to my mother. We got rid of the funeral mass, no limousines, a one afternoon affair. It covered a priest who showed up for three minutes to mumble a few prayers. That was a waste, I could have done thst better myself. The rest covered the cremation, niche and urn. That was it. She had $200 left over which we put into my fathers funeral account. I was not about to spend anymore on it.

My father was upset that there was no viewing but my sister did not want one because her young grandkids were there. Can’t blame her for that.

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Reply to Hothouseflower

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At my late husband's visitation, we let immediate adult family members only see him in the casket. Then the casket was closed. So it was closed during his Requiem Eucharist. At the Requiem Eucharist, the priest placed a pall over the casket. and it remained in front of the altar. If a deceased person is cremated (acceptable, but burial is preferred), there is a smaller pall placed over the urn.

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Two years ago my mother prepaid for her own cremation. It's done and she didn't ask for my input. According to her instructions I'm not to have a family funeral and no service for her friends. That's exactly what I'm doing, and according to her wishes I'm taking her ashes to her home state in a Folger's coffee can and putting her ashes on where my dad is buried by myself.

Has anyone chosen to skip doing a funeral service and celebration of life for your mother? If so, what did you do instead?

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