Has anyone experienced more grief as time went on?

Everybody grieves differently. So there is no "right" or "wrong" way to do it. I lost my mom a little over 3 years ago and I still mourn for her loss; she died age 90 and had severe Alzheimer's. I will always love my mom, but I find solace because we all die--it is natural. Family, friends, or, if necessary, individual or group therapy can help if activities of daily living are too much to bear due to grief. Time does not get rid of the loss but it will make it hurt less due to acceptance and carrying on. Hospice should have given you information how to get in touch of grief support.

Coleyne: I am so sorry for your loss and send condolences. Perhaps a grief counselor could assist you short term.

Deepest condolences on your loss.

My experience with grief is that there are times it is worse and times it is easier. 3 months after, 6 months and especially 9 months are hard The one year and so on. Special days are triggers - birthdays, anniversaries, holidays are tough. I see you are coming up for 9 months after and I have found that the pain is very raw at 9 months.

It is important to express your grief - tears, journaling, talking with others, finding ways to honour your grief and the one you lost. Some buy a special candle and burn it at times when grief is hard, some play meaningful music, some create a collage representing what's on their mind. Some pant a tree in memory or create a special place win their garden. Going to a grief group can help too.

Coming here and sharing with us is good as well. A little exercise - a walk for example can help when you are feeling down, a cup if your favourite coffee or tea, a hot bubble bath or some other treat can get you through those difficult times. Don't be afraid to cry. It feels bad to begin with and like you will never stop, but you will and it is healing. (((((((hugs))))))

Yes my wife has been bed bound for over a year now. Her dementia is getting worse. I find it the most difficult to deal with her when she starts to live in a different time and place.

I second your recommendation of the book Healing After Loss, this book was gifted to me after the sudden loss of my husband of 45 years this January. I have found it a great comfort.
To Coleyne, I am new to this grief journey as well but already feel the ebb and flow. Just when I begin to feel like I’m adapting, something sets me back a step. Still, I feel I’m making some progress. I too have a prescription from my dr. - it had taken me awhile to realize that there is nothing that will take all of the pain and angst away. I recently read an interview with a grief expert - he said emphasized that the pain must be felt in order to heal. Not what I wanted to hear but I am trying to accept it and concentrate on hope - that I will experIence some level of healing and find purpose. My heart goes out to you.

I'm sorry for the loss of your husband but hope you find some comfort.

I lost my mother at age 95 in 2014. I missed her for about 6 months, but with decades of her mental illness, she set me free.

Hello,

I wanted to respond about grief from losing a loved one. I lost a son at 9 months, just beginning to walk and I was still nursing. I lost a husband of 11 years due to a massive stoke. I don't know how I got through but remember reading books on the stages of grief. One goes through different stages at different times and it can last 6 years or more. It helped me to join a grief support group where I could hear how others felt. It helped to read the books as well as talking with others who lost a loved one. It helped to have an dog or cat to take care. It helped to get out of the house, exercise and join clubs.

There is no magic bullet to make the pain go away. It helps to journal and have a daily saying or positive affirmation. Such as "all I need and more will come to me at the right time and place. Most of all, it helped to help others. There are so many others in a worse place, volunteering helps. However, don't push yourself. Know that your loved one is with you in spirit and truly wants you to be happy.

The first few months after a LO's death, you are still operating at some level of shock and numbness. Afer 8 months, the numbness is beginning to wear off and now you are feeling things more intensely. You are not insane. When you feel sad, go ahead and feel sad. You need to experience your feelings fully ("feel your feelings) before they will eventually calm down. Do not just try to cover them up. Do not just try to kepp busy so you do not have to think or feel. If you need to, you can set aside specific times of the day when you will allow yourself to feel sad, depressed, scared, whatever it ay be. If you are not sure what you are feeling, write it down. Keep a little book or journal if you like. No one else has to read it. Write letters to your husband. Tell him how you are feeling. Tell him how much you miss him and how glad you are to do things your way without having to argue with him and how sorry you might be about things you might wish you had done differfently and how annoyed you were with some of his attitudes . . . anything you you want to say. It helps you think and sort out your feelings to write them down in words and it helps to put the thoughts "out there" so they don't just keep roaring around on the "hamster wheel" in your head.
Sometimes the second year is even more intense than the first year b/c your are less likely to be protected by "brain fog." But it will become less constant. The more you tell your story (maybe at a grief support group?) or write down how you feel on any given day, the more space will begin to appear between bouts of grief and despair.
Do not try to convince yourself or let anyone tell you "you should be over it." Take all the time you need and do not hide from how you really feel.

Please seek grief counseling, either 1:1 or in a group. It doesn't sound like from your inquiry that you have done that yet. To specifically answer your question, no, what you are experiencing is not unusual; grief support from a qualified Grief Counselor can help.
Ask your PCP for referrals, or ask the hospice group; or contact a local hospital for group referrals.
A pastor or faith community may know of qualified Grief support in your area also.

Yes. You hear that the first year is always the worst because each season brings its own whatever holiday or event that is the first without your loved one. But a friend who lost her 20-something son said in her mind the second year was the worst because that was when it really began to sink in that he wasn't coming back. So each year/season will be different. Please be kind to yourself.

Sign yourself up for several volunteer opportunities to provide joy and purpose. Whether you volunteer at the animal shelter, foster child program, food bank, reading for the blind or save the world opportunities, just get moving towards your passion(s).

Whatever you do, do it with purpose so that you don't get stuck in misery. Your husband has moved on and so should you. Perhaps start with a vacation with a friend or relative or seek out vacations for single seniors. If you have a special talent, get out and share it, you will change your life and see the hope you can bring to others. If your home makes you sad, please consider a move.

Funkygrandma59, THANK YOU. Strong advice. Everyone grieves in their own way and in their own time.

My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry for your loss. It is huge.

* Grief takes time ... and everyone is different with how they grieve and the duration. There certainly is no 'right' or 'wrong' way to grieve. It is a very individual process/experience.

* I strongly encourage you to get a GRIEF COUNSELOR or THERAPIST. It will help you through this difficult time.

* Grief 'can't' be intellectually (head, brain) processed or pushed away.

* Grief is an emotion, a feeling. It doesn't feel good, it hurts, it is excruciatingly painful.

- While hard, allow the feelings to come and go. Grief comes in waves and anything, any memory, any trigger can set off crying or intense feeling of loss.

- Honor your process and for however long it will take. And, do take a day at a time, or a moment at a time. Be as present with yourself as you can be.

* Do not have any expectation of how you 'should' be or how you 'should' grieve or how you 'should' feel. You feel as you feel. You've lost a very significant person in not only your life, in the depths of your heart and soul.

* Do be patient with yourself and self-compassionate. Perhaps writing in a journal would help you. When the intense feelings come over you, write them down - and / or write memories that come up (without judging them).

* In my experience (now), hospice provides (minimal) grief counseling - ask them.
- I was / am fortunate to work with a Jewish-Chaplain through Hospice for the last couple of months prior to my friend's death and he continues to support me on a limited basis.
- If Hospice doesn't offer, ask them for referrals.
- Ask your MD or google grief therapists in your area.
- My insurance has 'out patient mental health' services (bereavement) so check into this too.

* This is a time to honor all your feelings - and I know it hurts. The psyche cannot quite accept what is - you are in shock.

* Ssurround yourself with beauty - flowers, art, anything that you love (a walk in the woods, park). Allow the tears to flow as they are your heart crying. Allow them to flow as they need to. Don't hold back.

I send you a gentle, compassionate hug.

* Be with people that support you.

In my (recent / now) experience, some people are very uncomfortable with death and don't know what to say or say the most inappropriate, insensitive words to me. Choose who you tell that you are grieving carefully ... as responses could be jarring and anything but supportive.

A SIMPLE "I am sorry for your loss" means a whole lot, yet people speak from their perspective and do not consider the person they are talking to. Some do NOT know how to offer condolences ... and some don't even do that ... although some strangers do.

I learned (I hope) to protect my grieving heart a bit more by not telling everyone I meet I am grieving when they ask how I am. Most / some people don't want to know, it is just something most people say all the time. They certainly do not expect a person to say "I'm grieving." They expect to hear "I'm fine, how are you."

If you are a writer, get a journal or type in a computer journal.
If you are an artist, draw or paint how you feel.
If you are a gardener, plant a tree or flower for your husband. "Watch his spirit grow."
Do talk to him ... all the time.

Whatever is your vehicle to get feelings out, do it.
And there may be several ways to do this. Try / do everything that works . . .

And, sometimes, we need to sit and cry. And that is exactly right for that moment.

- Crying allows grief to move through your body and soul. It is healthly. It just doesn't feel good.

- Many of us seem to think that life is all about feeling good and not experiencing the opposite of that when, in fact, life is the black and white, the shades of gray, the yin and yang. Life is the entire spectrum of feelings+emotions.

Google Buddhism and grief and see what comes up.
Here is one entry: https://zenstudiespo

Buddhism helps us stay present.

Gena

Always allow yourself to feel your grief. Work through it by Increasing your social time - there is nothing better than being with friends and family and sharing new experiences. Volunteering can change your outlook on life. Explore a new hobby, a church group, a senior center. You can do it!

My heart goes out to you. Your loss is significant and nothing can replace him, and I hear you want to carry on and manage the sorrow better; it seems to be weighing very heavy on you. I suggest a grief support group and share your grief with others who understand. And perhaps some volunteer work that helps others might help. The keeping busy, with something meaningful, but not too overwhelming. I’m sure your loved ones would not want to lose you too. ❤️ We are here for you.

Excellent guidance, funky.

My Father passed on 6 years ago. My Mother has had Alzheimer’s for 11 years and I am in charge of her care. As memories come and go, I have waves of grief come over me. I have lived next door to my parents and they were / are a huge part of my life and my children’s lives. I have dreams that I see my Dad and my Mom the way it use to be, when Dad was here and my Mother could speak and laugh. Bittersweet. I feel the grief will always be with me, but it’s not as bad as it use to be. I can go to the cemetery now without it tearing me apart. That took some time. I believe in our grief we can be thankful for the love that we have shared with those very special people in our lives. I’m thankful I do have memories even if it feels painful to remember them at times. Trying to live in the moment and trying to appreciate the life that God has given me and do the best I can with whatever time He has ordained for me. One day at a time….

So sorry for your loss. My husband has Alzheimer’s, so I’m losing him a bit at a time and yes I experience grief.

Please know that 8 months is not very long. Of course the grief is overwhelming. You can’t help but think about him. It’s ok to just grieve.

You said that you were busy the first few months, but now things have quieted down, you feel the loss even more. So when you are ready, busy yourself with stuff. Whether it’s volunteering, hobbies, working, travel whatever. Find things you enjoy and busy yourself. Again, it’s ok to grieve…sometimes you will find it easier to just cry it out. That’s ok too.

Get your support system in order. Do you have family, kids or friends to spend time with? Even if it’s online. In addition, join a grief support group, whether in person, online or both. That will also help.

Your husband loved you and you are financially taken care of. Your husband wouldn’t want you to just succumb to grief. He’d want you to enjoy your life and honor his memory by living a full and happy life. Be grateful for the time you had with such a good man.

Gratitude itself is very healing. Think of things to be grateful for each day, whether it’s the marriage you had or something as small as a pleasant spring day. It sounds corny, but it’s true. Gratitude helps.

Wishing you love, peace and happiness.

hugs to you OP!! my deepest condolences to you.
❤️🙂

i don't know if this helps you...and i don't know if you're into this kind of thing at all...
BUT...

some ways that have helped some people with their grief, is to do a long physical challenge!! 🙂🙂🙂 examples: (1) the Camino de Santiago in Spain (an amazing walking journey; and you can choose how long you want to make it, how far away from Santiago you want to start)...(2) running/walking a marathon...(3) doing an impossible ultra-marathon...(4) doing a short triathlon...

there are many people who started these things (at all ages), because of grief, or some other terrible event...

it lifted them, and got them fit, and forced them into -- fresh air -- and allowed them to meet other nice people who take on long challenges.

you might love it!

I have been widowed for nearly 12 years after 43 years of marriage. I think the intense grieving lasts 2-3 years. It just jumps on your back and next thing you know you're in tears. You have to let yourself experience it and not mask it with medication. You have to let yourself feel all of it. But as time goes by you have longer periods of contentment, even joy.

You may have a fair amount of guilt that you need to accept, especially if he was sick for a long time. Who among us was a perfect partner? We all had times that we said things we would regret but this is part of a relationship.

I miss the unique person he was and that hasn't eased.

My sweet wife passed away exactly one year ago from cancer. I have heard that the 2rd full year can be the most challenging and I feel it more than the 1st year. I awake nearly every morning and speak to her briefly as part of my morning devotions. As part of my grieving process I rescheduled my knee surgery to what would have been our 31st...Sometimes I feel closer and think of items I should have said/done..I find myself thinking how she have answered/dealt with a issue. This actually helps sometimes, NOT always....Yes she was a stronger believer as well and I feel her her presence when I pray...

Just keep on trying to be good to yourself and "thank God" for the wonderful times you had. My dog is always a comfort,,,,Take walks cloudy or sunny.

What you are experiencing is very normal. It may help to know you are not alone in this. Grief isn’t something you do for period of time and then it just stops. Grief comes back in waves, even years and years later. Sometimes the waves are gentle and just lap at your toes, and sometimes they are storm waves that knock you off your feet. People don’t “move on”, they learn to “move through”. I so wish that grief was something you go through and then it just ends. But for most people who experience a profound loss it will come visit you from time to time, like a very unwanted house guest.

I lost my husband to ALS 5 years ago in June. He was only 50 when diagnosed and died at 54. I grieved hard during that 4 year period for all his loses and for what I knew would be the end of us, a 22 year relationship as good as they come. He was my perfect life partner. I thought that once he finally died I would be lost. But oddly, while I felt sad, I mostly felt relief. Relief for him that he was not longer suffering. Relief for me that I could get out from under the crushing emotional pain of watching him die. And relief for his family that were my partners in his care, especially is 82 year old mother who was in such mental distress watching her son die that we were afraid we would lose her before he passed. For the first 3 years after he passed I felt pretty good, sad at times, but much less so than when he was alive. Then WHAM, it all came back and I was grieving hard again for a while. Now I’m okay again.

This is grief. But I promise you it will get better. It will always be there, but it gets easier.

My condolences to you Colenye. You have received great answers, so no need to repeat them.

I also offer my condolences to everyone on this thread who have lost a loved one. It’s life changing.

OH yea, My husband died 6 months ago. We were married for 68 years. As you know, their passing is brutally painful. I still cry every day. Nothing really helps only to know that the tears are signs of love and remembrance. I play Louis Armstrongs' Its a Wonderful World at the start of each day. Alexa does that for me, I don't see any joy ahead of me but I know I have to keep going. He would want that and I know he would not want me to feel the way I do. I got a dog to give me a reason to get up in the morning. She is a special needs dog so we help each other. Hang in, listen to music, plant some flowers, get a tape recorder and talk to him. These are what so far are seeing me through. I know everyone dies and everyone goes on but l still grieve everyday. We loved each other so much. I miss my sweetheart.

Grief goes in cycles, almost like a spiral; you will have intense spells, get to feeling better, then another round can come along. Over time the intensity shifts, even tho sometimes there are still moments of deep sorrow. Your grief may not be getting 'worse' but you are now clear of the terrible process of the death and loss, so your body can now feel the grief fully. The death of a significant other is a huge transition, so your grief at the loss may also be mixed with concern for the shape of your life without this person. Give yourself plenty of time. Personally, I wish our culture still used visible signs of mourning, like even just a black ribbon, so anyone can 'give you space' to feel what you feel without judgement or imposing their opinion/advice on you. A good grief group/counselor/self-help book or video will also counsel you to not make any major decisions while in this grief process, including immediately searching for a new mate. My condolences on your loss and best wishes for comfort and peace.

Have you considered grief counseling or perhaps joining a support group such as GriefShare? Both helped me a lot although I’d never done any thing like that before in my life. My husband died from a brain tumor and we were married over 40 years as well. I learned that grief comes in waves, grief can “ambush” you when you think you are doing ok, and can worsen with time. I’ve heard the third year after your loss can actually be the hardest because by then the reality has set in that they are really never coming back. Also there are the many secondary losses that show up as you go along and must do everything yourself. There is no one to go out for a meal with, no one to go to a movie with or church with. Anyway, I hope you’ll consider reaching out to a counselor or try GriefShare. There are chapters all over. Just google one in your location. I’d never done anything like that before, but it was extremely helpful in that it helped me see I wasn't going crazy, that the things I was experiencing were normal to the grief process. After 5 years I’m doing as well as can be expected and have a lot of new things going on in it life that keep me very busy. But grief was a deep valley that had to be walked through.

Forget the Pills - go on a cruise and as many cruises as you can and find your self a new Man . Sounds like you had a good marriage and be grateful for that. I think you deserve some happiness so enjoy the rest of your life .

i just lost my mom 4 weeks ago after caring for her for last several years - all i can say is GRIEF IS REALLY INTENSE AND HARD esp missing the physical presence of that person......its a journey no one wants to go on but we all have to.....im having lots of anxiety and depression - all we can do is be kind to ourselves.....god bless

This is Never easy. and Never a straight line. Everyone handles these things differently. My loss was not my spouse but my mom. I see things every day that remind me of her which is a good thing. But now and then it hits so hard and its always a surprise when it does hit like that.
I agree with one of the ladies in here that asked about your current medication. I would def ask the doc about the medication and maybe even see if you can back off of it at even a lower dose for a bit and see if you feel any better. Some of these meds out there mean well but depending on the person they can drag us down further than we would be without them. Have a blessed day and I hope you feel better. God has gained some amazing angels over the past several years.

Nolan

I so agree that grieving isn't a straight line. My husband died around when yours did, 9 months ago, and we'd just celebrated our 50th anniversary. I thought I did very well keeping busy with all the details one has to do when a spouse dies. But daily I'm reminded of him by some little thing, and daily I have moments of grieving. Recently I got very sad when I had to prepare our last taxes as "married filing jointly," going through husband's medical bills, seeing his handwriting in the check register, etc. I wouldn't say I'm depressed, but it's a low-level sadness, as though there is a slight pall over everything. I try to seek joy in all the positive things I can -- spending time with grandchildren, volunteer work, walking outside now that the cold is letting up, being able to attend events or travel whenever I want which I couldn't do when my husband was alive because of caregiving needs. One widow gave me some advice that she'd read somewhere, which is "Never say no to an invitation." Even if you are feeling low and depressed, forcing yourself to accept that invitation can be helpful.

Wishing you well as you grieve and heal, and no, it's perfectly normal to still be grieving I think now that you have more time to reflect.