Have you ever yelled at your loved one for not using their walker? Am I a horrible person for losing my temper?

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Have you ever yelled at your loved one for not using their walker? Am I a horrible person for losing my temper?

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Well, it happened. I feel incredibly guilty because I yelled at my MIL that lives with me and told her she had to use her walker no matter what if she wants us to continue to care for her. It is too dangerous not to. She is on Eliquis. She does not have dementia but she is 94 and not stable on her feet.

Because someone is elderly doesn't that mean we can't get mad at them? I don't have kids and I feel like this is something people with kids go through.

Thoughts? Suggestions?

Appreciatively,

Kim

Anger Difficulty Walking Home Safety

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Look on the bright side – you have managed to get a walker into the house! I finally managed it with dear MIL as a condition of going out for a walk around the block. I’d hired one, and she was willing to avoid the cost of hiring, all for nothing. She liked the option of sitting down on the seat, to look at interesting flowers in the neighbours’ gardens. Then when the 3 month hiring period was up, she insisted on keeping just that same one! The hiring people were delighted to sell it to her, as it was an old one without height adjustments, only suitable for short people (like my dear MIL).

You have to stress that using the aid means more choices, not less dignity!

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I not only yelled, I argued, pleaded, explained, reproached, debated, bribed, put up signs, blackmailed, threatened...

Sigh.

A few days ago, with my family caregiving long past and a few thousand client visits later, I explained the identical problem to two family members thus: "it does not enter her (my client's) head to use her call button or to use her walker. She actually puts it to one side out of her way when she gets up, does she?" (yes).

I can't tell you how strongly I sympathise with you. The person we are responsible for appears stubborn, careless, thoughtless, inconsiderate, reckless, obstinate, intentionally self-destructive...

No such thing, of course. They just didn't think or couldn't be bothered to fuss with their walker. Keep your shirt on! they're thinking.

Your MIL doesn't have dementia, so it may not be the case that she literally *cannot* think to use her walker (any more than she can do calculus or jump ten feet in the air) as it was with my mother; but it probably is the case that she just hasn't got into the habit of using it and finding it a benefit.

You are not wrong to have lost your temper, and to be stressed by her tottering around the place apparently in search of sharp, hard corners to bang her head against. The only suggestion I have to make is try to divide things strictly between Helpful, and Unhelpful, and reject the latter. Yelling won't help.

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Kas15, if we're all honest here on this forum, I believe that everyone of us would have to admit that at some point we lost our temper with the one(s) we were/are caring for, and yelled at them. That doesn't make us any less of a person, or a bad person, nor does it say that we don't/didn't care and love those we cared for. What it does say is that we're all human and we all have our breaking points,(as being a caregiver is beyond stressful)so cut yourself some slack and know that you're doing the very best you can do, and that is all any of us can do.

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If a person has never lost it when caring for someone, they are a Saint.

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Or a liar!!!

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Getting my fully cognitive Mom to use her cane or walker consistenetly is a daily battle and yes I have yelled.

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JoAnn, the other reason not to get mad with someone who is resistant to care is that you're not emotionally connected with her or him.

Apart from the one particular lady who frustrated me so much that I longed to staple her falls alarm to her ear and tie her walker around her like a crinoline, I can honestly say that I don't get upset any more about clients refusing ("declining" we call it) sensible precautions and aids. We prompt, we remind, we facilitate, but if 99 year old tiny fragile sweetie-pie is determined to set off for the bathroom with only her faithful old walking stick and keeps her balance by "swimming" her free arm through the air as she bounces off the doorways... hey, it works for her. We explain, prompt, encourage, and document (and we stand as close as we can get); but she decides.

Another lady keeps her falls alarm by her phone. "So" that she always knows where it is. We have discussed this point on a number of occasions by now, and I accept that she doesn't like to wear it round her neck because the cord catches on her O2 cannula, and she doesn't like to wear anything on her wrist because... because. We have come to the understanding that at the end of my visit I look at her over my glasses when I get to that check box on the form, and she says "oh all right then," and I fetch the falls alarm and place it to hand by her armchair. Then she puts it back when she goes to bed.

If this lady goes base-over-apex one night as she's climbing the stairs and falls to the bottom, she is (at best) going to pass a miserable few hours wishing she'd worn her alarm and I and all of my co-workers will very much regret it too. But, so to say, we don't *care.* It won't hurt us. We want her to be safe, it is our responsibility to do all we can to ensure her safety and wellbeing, but we stay behind the boundary. It is her choice about her safety, and not ours about ours.

And, of course, she's not our mother.

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Thank you CM - I am going to write this as a reminder for myself “explain - prompt - encourage”…on the frustrating days or moments that I’m trying to convince my moms stroke to do something to ask myself if I did these things and then let it be hers :) thank you 🦋

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Hi Kim, I'm Lisa. My dad is 88 with dementia and recovering from COVID. I have found that It is exactly like dealing with a child. In the beginning I was mad, angry and of course there is no leaving unless you have someone to come sit with them. I caught myself yelling one time because dad doesn't like to wear his oxygen and the lost look on his face made me realize that I do have to speak to and treat him as I would one of my grandchildren. I helped him to understand the need for his oxygen or the reason behind keeping his feet elevated and this seems to calm him more instead of us both getting upset. Thank you for listening. Until someone has walked in our shoes it's hard to explain to anyone how hard it can be. Take care.

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A couple of weeks ago, a lady my with MIL’s geriatric team was telling me that my MIL HAD to use a walker. I stared at the woman and said, “Sure, but she won’t.” She looked at me point blank and said, “Yeah, well, she HAS to.” I said, “Fine. You can make her.”

She didn’t have an answer for that.

My MIL has fallen twice in the last week. I said sure to buying her the wheelchair and walker, but ultimately, the choice is hers. It HAS to be. For the exact reason that you ended up screaming at your MIL. It’s a losing battle. Bad things will happen one of these days when she falls, and I can warn her until I’m blue in the face, but to what end?

Try to disconnect a bit from her. You know what’s best, but even though I’m the mother of two kids, I let them make their own mistakes. That’s how people learn. TRUE, a cognitively declining person is far less likely to learn, but far from a padded cell, what other choice do we have as caregivers?

Getting mad is fine. Getting frustrated is fine. It’s human. We’re being driven to extremes, and our frustration stems from caring. We want them to cooperate because we don’t want them to get hurt. But try to back up and take a breath. Losing it does no good.

But, hey! Tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it.

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Thank you all for your responses. I can't believe how much every comment helped me. With more patience today I spoke with her to find out why she wasn't bringing her walker with her. It turns out there is a door that slides open so she can't easily get through it. Today I removed the door.

I can't express enough how much coming here helped me. I feel like I am losing myself and my mind and knowing it is "normal" is a huge help.

As usual good communication is a necessity.

Sending you all good thoughts,

Kim

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I am so glad that talking to her enabled you to figure out how to solve the problem. may the rest of your problems be solved so quickly and easily.

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I think all of us have.

Mom cannot take a single step w/o the support of her walker. She keeps thinking she can get across the kitchen or 'just down the hall' and she has fallen too many times to count.

She has 4 walkers and a wheelchair in a very small apartment, yet she often forgets....dementia has now set in and we are pretty much done with the constant reminders to 'use the walker, mom'.

We're not perfect, and she isn't watched 24/7, so this will be a problem forever.

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Forgive yourself - and if it happens again forgive yourself.

We have all had our moments. If you have a rough week - try to find a way to give yourself a break and get out and do something for yourself if you can as it will always benefit both of you🦋

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My elderly aunt never wanted to use a walker, even when she was no longer steady on her feet. We finally had to get a 24/7 aide for her. She was in an independent living senior facility and they said she couldn't stay there without an aide. Consult with a local social worker or senior cargiving advisor to find out what her options are. She may need more help than you can provide by yourself. Medicare/Medicaid may pay for aides to come to your home to assist. Reach out so that you can get some breaks. You may be getting burned out as a caregiver. Please don't yell at your MIL. It's not easy growing old and losing your capabilities. You say that she doesn't have dementia, but she may have difficulty learning new things. Make sure her paperwork is all in order with powers of attorney, medical directives, etc. so that you and her son can make decisions for her if she becomes incapacitated.

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Of course that is a problem that we face. My mother is 85 years old and refuses to use her walker. She is also very unstable and I have a time with her using the walker. I have yelled at her several times for not using the walker and explained to her that she apparently likes the floor. In a joking manner, I told her we can name the floor after her because she will leave a butt print eventually. She just laughed!

This is a problem but I have learned to ask God to help me in the time of need and He does. My suggestion to you is don't beat yourself up about this because you only want the best for your mother. But what we have to understand is that it's hard to go from being independent to dependent. We must leave this quick fast and in a hurry to survive the devil attack!

Good luck!

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Hell no you're not bad, you're human. We've all had our times.

My friend "deep breath 4 second, hold 2, let out with your stomach for 6" helps me greatly and helps keep my blood pressure good too!

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Of course you can get mad with them. They must do what is best for them and you have a right to your own emotions. But you can see how easy it would be for an exhausted caregiver to go a bit too far…. But you know your limits. Don’t hold your feelings in. I took care of a 92 yr old friend who had become so stubborn it was impossible to keep her safe. She did what she wanted when she wanted. When I raised my voice she sat down or used her walker but the minute my back was turned she was back to doing it her way. You are her caregiver. If she takes a fall out of stubbornness there is nothing you can do. Just make sure nothing is blacking her way and all smaller rugs have been taken up. Be kinder to yourself.

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I lose my temper at my children, my dog, other drivers, and my husband. To this point, they have all survived. Would it be helpful (I have no idea) to explain when calm, how scary and how sad it makes you to think she might really hurt herself...and leave for a nursing home or hospital or morgue. It might not, but it is the truth.

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You are completely normal - and frustrated. It will probably be a challenge to get your MIL to use her walker until is becomes second nature. So keep reminding - be that broken record - until she uses it without a reminder.

Also remember that having the right tools and "fall proofing" your home will minimize falls. You can never completely keep her from falling. Most residential facilities have come to recognize that "falls happen" but major injuries do not have to. Keep up the good work and don't be hard on yourself.

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You're right to want your M-I-L to use her walker for her own safety. Maybe you could stress to her the importance of always using the walker, to prevent falls, as that could have very bad and sad consequences. (That happened to my uncle.) Maybe she'd respond to a nice tone (as hard as that is, I know.) My mom had Alzheimer's and couldn't be reasoned with, but maybe your MIL can be, since she doesn't have dementia. I even wrote a book about taking care of my mom when she had Alzheimer's called, "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." It's very hard to be a caregiver, and my mom could be hard-headed when Alzheimer's hit, so we all just do the best we can, with their best interest at heart. My mom voluntarily used her cane, and I have a chapter enttiled "Cane and Able," because she had a cane and was able to use it. She could outpace me. Don't feel guilty; you used a stern tone for her own good.

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I sometimes got angry at my husband even during his final weeks b/c I would get so frustrated with his behavior or lack of co-operation. I would scold myself and dau, "You can't get mad at a dying person," but, of course you can. You can holler a little and vent and then it will be over. When you are calm you can remind your MIL that you love her but that she sometimes makes you crazy.

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One way I forgive myself is to think of all the times I have not yelled or spoken sharply to my husband. I think: Hey, it is Saturday and I have not yelled since last Wednesday; I am doing great. Note: My husband was a difficult man before dementia, and not his dementia has made him even more contrary.

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No, it is not appropriate for you to yell at your MIL! You really should apologize.
Maybe she forgot to use the walker or felt she could go a little distance without it. You probably would have found out if you hadn't yelled at her and instead just explain that the meds she's on can make her fall and that you're concerned and doesn't want her to fall and end up in a Hospital.
BUT, if she has her mind and she chooses to walk without a walker then it's really her business.
Either way you should show respect.
It sounds like maybe you need some Respite Care to give you a much needed break or maybe you need a Caregiver once a week to give you a break.

Maybe you can find a Senior Day Care that she can go to and find a friend.

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It's tough to be perfect

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You are only human and sometimes you need to yell to get your point across. A friend of mine told me that if they have demensia they will just forget about it minutes later. It is exactly like having children, it's just that they won't grow out of it, they will only decline further. What you are doing is crazy difficult be kind to yourself!

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I have done it with my Mother and I know I'm not a bad person. If I let her fall I'd be a bad person. She's 83 with dementia. This time last year she was still able to drive. So her independence has pretty much been lost. She'll walk ok using the walker and then not stable at all. It's frustrating. Exhausting. Mentally damaging. Yelling comes after reasoning has gone out the window. The guilt is so heavy. But no. You are NOT a bad person!

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Jamhlms, even if your mother were to fall while you are with her, that still doesn't make you a bad person.
My husband who had vascular dementia, before he was bedridden was very unsteady on his feet, and fell a lot, while I was near by, and I never once considered myself a bad person because of that, nor should you if God forbid it would happen to you. The worst period was when in a 2 month period, he fell 9 times and because I couldn't get him up, had to call the paramedics to help get him up.
Caregiving for a love one is difficult enough, and we should never be made to feel guilty when we all do the very best we can. None of us have eyes behind our heads, nor can we be by their side 24/7.

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You are only human, and as such, prone to human behaviors as the rest of us are. Only robots don't lose their tempers once in a while and should be 'ashamed' of themselves for having a human reaction.

That said, my 90 y/o father was VERY unsteady on his feet and refused to use even a cane to help himself. One day, we took him to Walgreens and my husband placed him in front of the cane display; told him to please select a cane of his choosing and purchase it, no choice, period. That was the day Dad started using a cane.

The cane wasn't really enough to balance Dad so we ordered him a walker thru Medicare. He refused to use it. We begged him, hollered at him (GASP!) we cajoled him, we used every tool in our toolbox to get him to use it, but he was stubborn and flatly refused. Dad fell one night at 2 am while en route to the bathroom and broke his hip.

After not being able to complete a stint in rehab, he was forced into Assisted Living and I had to liquidate their apartment in Independent Living and move mom into AL with him. Dad died 11 months later from a brain tumor that was revealed during an MRI after the broken hip incident.

The moral of the story is this: you can't force anyone to do anything they don't want to do.

You're not a 'bad person' for yelling at your MIL; you are a kind person trying to get HER to do the right thing in an effort to spare her future pain & agony, that's all.

But remember: You can't save a person from herself. Let her do as she wishes and let the chips fall where they may. You'll know you tried your best and that's that.

Best of luck.

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My mom was too proud and stubborn to use her walker.

I informed her that if she fell, I would not help her up.

If the injury prevents her from being semi-independent, off to the old folks home for her. She knew I meant it after she fell and I refused to help her up.

You have to use tough love on stubborn men and women or else they will keep on repeating the stupid behavior. The first time is a learning incident, anything after that is stupid ( you know what will happen if you refuse to do what is right yet you insist on doing it. That is stupid ).

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Agree. We are doing the same

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Turn the fight over the walker into a game. Shop together for a color of walker she might like. Call it her "jeep" or her "Cadillac" and make walking with it fun. Tell her that she's in danger of getting hurt if she doesn't use it and that you love her and don't want her to end up in the hospital or some other place she may not want to go.

As a caretaker, you're going to feel angry at times. You're doing a tough job that can be extremely frustrating. But, be careful, anger can make things worse, not better. It sounds like you may need some breaks from this exhausting job.

Bring someone in several times a week to help give you relief. You need times when you're not dealing with this 24/7 issue. There are lots of resources that can offer suggestions and practical help. It shouldn't all be on your shoulders. If she's 94, you're probably in your 60's or 70's which means you may have your own health issues that affect your ability to do the things you want to do for her at times. Treat yourself with the same patience and love you do your ML.

Ask your husband to take her for a drive now and then so you can have some quiet time. Or, leave her with him and visit a park or someplace where you can meditate and find some quiet, personal time.

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I didn't want to use my walker all the time until an OCCUPATIONAL THERAPIST gave me LESSONS in how and why to use it at all times, and walked with me to show me how to do it. I ended up choosing the kind with a seat and hand brakes, as it was presented to me as being FUN. She trained me in how to sit down on it, how to get up from sitting on it and turn around to use it, releasing the brakes. Now, I can't get along without it, but it took repetition of training by a professional to get me to do it.

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It's ok that you yelled, but then again, yelling is not teaching. She needs a teacher who is not her family.

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kas15: You are a mortal being and as such, you are not equipped to be perfect.

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My mother kept 'forgetting' to use her walker inside the house - claimed she didn't need it - that she wasn't THAT old. At 95 - believe me, she did and was. The 'medical alert' button I got her and paid for monthly she would sometimes wear and sometimes not. And it seemed like every month I ended up yelling at her out of total frustration and exasperation because she wouldn't use the walker. She kept telling me she wouldn't fall - that there was no way she was going to fall. Well, she did. And it was what did her in.

She fell (wasn't using walker but thank goodness the medical alert button although not on her, was within her grasp) and broke her femur just below her hip replacement joint, and ended up having a Open reduction and internal fixation surgery. Unfortunately, she got a staph infection in the surgical area (another surgery again), and ended up passing away a month after the second surgery. All of this didn't have to happen if she would have just used her walker.

I feel it was selfish and childish of her to not use her walker, because her lack of using it not only created her serious health problems that could have been avoided, but it also upended my life in trying to take care of her and her needs during that time. No amount of me asking, pleading, rationalizing, threatening got her to use her dang walker. She did what she wanted to do and how she wanted to do - didn't matter how it affected others in her life.

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Have you ever yelled at your loved one for not using their walker? Am I a horrible person for losing my temper?

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