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I first realized that we had a problem with my Mum when she said someone had stolen a new bedsheet she had bought. I am a practical, level headed organized person who has dealt with this narcissist all my life, so I don't think I was very sympathetic. I went through the list of who it could be, the cleaner, the hairdresser, the carer or me, or perhaps she didn't buy it at all. Then someone stole her shopping bag, her feather duster, her money from her special box (wherever that is) etc etc, when I pointed out that I found it hurtful that she was including me in the list of suspects and I didn't think anyone had stolen from her and why would they want the items in question and the fact that I am only ever in her home when she is there, she said other people had told her I go in when she isn't there and that's when I must have done it. I have found the answers on this forum extremely helpful, I don't feel so alone with this awful disease.
My mom has problems with short term memory and always says she doesn’t have any cash. She is in AL and uses a rolling walker with a basket under the seat. She has always hidden money so "people" wont steal it, we found over $300 squirreled away in her bedroom when we cleared her house.
Her AL has a zero tolerance for theft by employees, one woman was fired for pocketing a quarter she found on the floor! So when Mom says someone took her money I go through her purse, basket, and dresser drawers. There are usually bills tucked in various pockets and wallets and she always acts surprised to see them.
Luckily I have POA and have told her to just ask and I will give her cash. She has forgotten how to write a check or use a credit card.
Mthr wrote a long letter to her pseudo friends back home to let her know that I'd slipped her a mickey and kidnapped her, holding her in a prison. However, my husband invited her to come to our state with him, she willingly got into the car and rode 5 hours, and he dropped her off at the front door of the memory care unit where I was waiting with new clothes for her new room. She did not remember anything because she was at the point of death with a very low hemaglobin - once we had her pumped up with 2 units of blood that first weekend, she wrote the letter. Sigh. It hurts but it's their brain trying to justify the little bits it can process.
One thing my mother’s ALF does is has a rule , no cash and no credit cards allowed. My mother hates it but I can imagine if she had cash how much worse it would be. She’d be blaming everyone there. Now it’s cat food, underwear and socks instead of money she says are stolen but at least that’s not $$$ lol
I don’t care if it’s the disease talking or not, it still hurts. My mother pulls this with me and about me to others even though I’m probably the only one of her kids that would never take her junk . Finally my daughter started telling her to make a list of what I took and we will call the police. That shuts her up at least temporarily. Imo it may be dementia but at least with my mother it’s part of her cruelty that has been around much longer that her dementia
It's muscle memory behavior, I'm convinced of it. My mother can't hear ME. Just me. She can hear everyone else, just not ME. I've lowered my voice, at the suggestion of my DD who's an RN and says hearing impaired people can't hear certain higher pitched tones, so I've lowered my voice to a deep man-like sound. Nope. She still 'can't hear' me. If I raise my voice really loud, well then I'm YELLING so gee whiz, mother, I guess you CAN hear me after all, huh? A lot of this is a game based on the OLD, muscle memory activities they've relied on for decades. I know my mother suffers from dementia, but part of her behavior is the cruelty that's been around much longer as well.
I'll echo what other people have said: it's the disease talking. I once asked my mom, pre-Alzheimer's, if she ever thought that there would be less money in her account, because my name was on it, at her suggestion, so I had access to her funds. She said, "Not for a second and not for a cent." To go from that, to occasional mistrust, was heartbreaking, but I knew it was the disease talking. She'd sometimes accuse my husband of rummaging through her purse. She had $5 in it and a lipstick; let him knock himself out. I tried to reason with her about this, to no avail. I even wrote a book about our travails taking care of her: "My Mother Has Alzheimer' and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver' s Tale." As you can tell, it has some humor in it, necessary for your own sanity when dealing with this.
Yes, it's the illness but those kind of accusations still hurt. You just have to take it with a grain of salt . You know you have done nothing wrong.y mom used to say horrible things to me but this past year she apologized to me and I apologized to her for not being patient enough.
Dear Marium: Please do not expend tears because it takes too much out of you and you need to remain well to care for your mother. She cannot, nor probably will not, be able to control this mindset as her brain is not functioning properly.
I have experienced the same issues...I am the culprit many times...and I deal with it most of the time...Every now and then when she gets “out of control”....she manages to push my buttons....the last time this occurred I told her I was leaving the room and would not return until she calmed down...10-15 minutes later she gets normal and I have had time to regroup my own emotions. I did not learn this technique overnight...I learned this after getting angry too many times over something her dementia would say of do..And sometimes I still don’t get it...
I had my Mom count her Money and write the amount on a post it note; then when she accused me I asked her to count the money and pulled out the post it note to see if it matched. Since I know I don’t steal, it was always correct. She finally started finding other things to complain about.
I assume your mother is going into or has dementia so nothing you do or say is going to make her stop doing this. I personally would be "kind" in the beginning and tell her this was not the case, etc. But after a while, I would be furious. I don't care if she has memory/mental problems, I would not want to hear it or put up with it. I would probably explode big time and tell her that for the last time, you did not and do not take things out of her purse, etc. And tell her if she keeps saying this and repeating it, you are going to contact the authorities who will convince her you did nothing wrong or she will have to leave and you will have no contact with her. I know to some people this seems cruel but based on a lifetime of experiencs, sometimes we caretakers have to turn tough and mean to ultimately benefit everyone in the situation. You do not deserve this abuse, and it is abuse, and it has to be stopped. If she starts up again, firmly tell her to stop at once or she will have severe consequences. It does work but it takes guts when you feel guilty or sorry for these people. But no one deserves this crap no matter what the reason.
I don't know how and why people make excuses - dementia, age, etc. It is a problem that comes from these people but that does not mean it should be allowed and we should tolerate the abuse. No way. We are caretakers giving our all to these people and we should NOT allow this in any way. Sometimes we must get tough and hard to make things stop that should not happen. Sorry, but everyone has a breaking point. I know I do. And since, after a long life where I was Mrs. Nice Guy, I finally learned to fight back and make things stop and my life became much better and more peaceful and I was not stressed out to the danger point. I had no choice and I am glad I finally got wise.
in some ways I agree with you and others I don’t. Tough love usually only works if the person you are using it on can understand why they are being “kicked out”.
I am of the belief that you should tell them the truth. It has always back fired on me when I try to “go along” with whatever she is saying.
the problem with the tough love is there is no where she can go. So there is no option of kicking her out. Since I cannot follow through in that consequence, it doesn’t make sense for me to use it.
Not sure what it is about dementia that presses the 'I've been robbed' button, but it happens. You just have to go with the flow on it. If it just started, you might be able to keep her on track by writing down how much she has on a piece of paper and put it in the wallet. Then she can count and compare when money crosses her mind.
My boyfriend's mom started with money missing and then the entire purse missing. We went nearly every day to locate the purse - usually under her chair or she was sitting on it and forgot where it was. She also kept a roll of quarters and when all this started, she would open the roll and have loose quarters in the purse. Which meant, when she looked for the roll, it wasn't there and someone stole it. After the money, she began putting the car keys away, so we did an Easter egg hunt for those all the time to appease her. (Had another set that she didn't know about).
It’s because of frustration of not being able to find things. They don’t want to or can’t understand they forgot so they blame others. The specialist I took my mother to for evaluation suggested getting a nanny cam so they can see that it’s actually them who took / moved the missing article plus where they put it.
Remind yourself, "This is a sick person. How can I still be helpful?" You can quickly change the subject. He/she is engaged in their focus, and cannot get out.
It depends. My mother returns to her same delusions again and again. Her dr told me, since she’s in a safe place, leave if you can’t change the subject. With my mother, usually you can’t change it, she just keeps going back over and over.
When my loved one thought I was stealing from her, I said, “Yes I am. I’m spending your money to take care of you!” I haven’t heard a peep since. Hope that helps. T. Tredwell
My mother was always frugal, always on a budget, money separated for this and that. When she still insisted living alone after my Dad passed, my husband took over her finances but went over everything with her, showed her the checkbook, etc. After she came to live with us, and her dementia was getting worse. He did most of her stuff on line. She had a dresser in her room and I kept her purse in a drawer in there, some cash in her wallet, a slip of paper saying how much was in there wallet. She always had a "stash" so I gave her an empty cigar box and a few envelopes, put some cash in them, a piece of paper saying how much was in there. If she took something out, we would mark the paper. She could see when she "needed" cash from the bank. We are not talking thousands here. The point was, she was still able to manage her "finances", knew they were secure. It was kind of amusing but made her feel better and in charge of something.
Sometimes the accusation that someone is "stealing" isn't actually what they mean, the words get mixed up for them, my mom for instance will say something is "cold" when what she means is "hot" just as an example and sometimes the stuff must have been "stolen" is their way of explaining why they can't remember where the put it without having to admit they can't remember to themselves or anyone else. We who are closest to them, the people they feel most secure with are the ones who get the abuse because we are the ones they feel safest with, they know they can't drive away, very much like a child saying "I hate you" whenever they are frustrated. Maybe it's their brains protecting them, maybe they really think it must have been stolen, no doubt each situation is different but if it helps at all I don't think they hold on to the idea or emotion we receive when being accused of "stealing", what I mean is she says that like she might "I'm thirsty" and take a sip of water, with no lingering emotion or suspicion just mater of fact. You on the other hand having been "accused" have feelings about it for hours because you are taking her seriously. Try not taking her accusation so seriously, I know easier said than done or maybe even just agree, yup I wanted to see if you would notice and the doctor said it's good for us to use brain puzzles so I want to see if you can figure out where it is, I promise it's here in the house. I find that just laughing sometimes breaks my mom's serious or stressed moment, train of thought. She thinks it's morning for instance and does her morning routine but it's 9 pm so we just lighten the mood and laugh as we bring her back to the here and now so she isn't left fretting over it. If she was worked up over missing money for instance (we haven't had this issue or the "stealing" at all so not speaking form experience) say she says she had a $20 and it's gone and is all worked up over it I would probably "find it" either for real or not in another section of her wallet or purse. We also avoid this by not using cash much anymore, she has a debit/credit card that she uses to pay for things and when she was using the transport van service we got her a book of tickets rather than having to make sure she had exact change. But I'm off topic.
I think this is something you are going to have to take control of by altering your reaction and the way you hear what she is saying, she isn't really angry with and accusing you of stealing she is angry with herself for not being in control of her world and this is the only way she has to try and take that control back. She isn't thinking for the next few days, I have to be careful when Marium is around because she (or he) is a thief and steals from me, she is simply thinking at the time it has to be someone else's fault so it can't be mine and then moves on. Please try to think of this differently so you aren't feeling resentful because that is just going to set off a domino affect of negativity and it's not worth all of that to try and reason with someone who is trapped in dementia. In some ways it may mean she isn't that far gone so a positive because the way I hear the stealing accusations tend to stop as they get further into the depths of the disease.
I sure understand. I do everything for my husband who has dementia and other serious health issues. things will be going along okay and all of a sudden he is accusing me of things. It is heartbreaking and maddening. Just keep reminding yourself that it is her illness and that she loves you. I wish that when this happens I could just not react. Try and redirect him and not get upset. I will argue with him and it just upsets us both. I pray we can both take that thought next time it comes up. No amount of explaining will ever help. I’m sorry this is long I wish you the best
She doesn't know what she is saying. You can keep a record of all her expenditure if it makes you feel you would be able to justify anything, but I would personally from experience say - if you say so and walk away.
Be honest to tell her "Mom, I know you BELIEVE that or you wouldn't say it, but I can only promise you that I love you and I would never steal from you". This is one of the most common things that happens, and my partner and I still laugh about his Mom's last years when everything was "Wilma took it".... about the lovely woman who helped her when we were states away. Now when we lose things about the house we look at one another and say "Wilma took it".
Its ok to cry... I do the same thing when my mom gets nasty with me.. sometimes I am able to convince myself it's a bad day for her and other times not. Sometimes I have to just walk out of the room. I cannot say the hurts goes away, but over time it becomes a little easier with my mothers behavior and the emotions I have when this happens. Everyone deals with their love ones behavior & emotions differently. Be sure to take time for yourself as the behavior from your mom will not change, I continue to utilize this forum for support and realize YOU are not ALONE... with loved ones who have this terrible disease & the emotional & physical drains with family caretakers. God bless you
Honey, you might as well give it up comparing the nice things you do for her to the way she treats you. I hate to say this, but it will get worse. My mother has called me stupid, told me she hates me, accused me of being with men (HA! What a joke) accused me of poisoning her, conspiring against her, etc. It's not that she doesn't appreciate the nice things you do, but when her brain goes haywire, she doesn't recognize or remember any of it. I still cry, but not as much.
My demented mother (95) accuses everyone of stealing everything. We discovered that she threw away unopened groceries, then claimed they were stolen. When we moved her from her apartment to A.L., we found "stolen" items hidden all over the house in strange places, like a pack rat would do. We think she did it for attention, but who knows. You cannot figure out crazy. Its truly like a Steven King novel to witness my mother's body with an entirely different alien creature residing in it. Today, I must tell her we've sold her car -- and I'm physically ill just thinking about that confrontation. Physically, the body is fine, and will undoubtedly live another 5 years. Never thought I'd ever say this about my former best friend, but I'm so ready for this to end.
Its the dementia. Tell yourself that every day. Try to remember the way she was, not the way she is now. My mom with dementia would go to bed at night and my dad would stay up to watch the 10p.m. News. Several times she accused him of going out with another woman because he wasn't in bed, even though he never left the house! My mom was the sweetest woman that ever lived, so this behavior was completely unlike her. I know you mom's behavior will make you sad at times, or upset you but it's the illness. Cope with it.
A neighbor of mine who's wife had Alzheimer's said when they were getting ready for bed she'd say she wasn't sleeping with him because he wasn't her husband. I'm sure that hurt but he learned to deal with it.
If she doesn’t attempt to use it or give it to others whom you don’t want to have it, padding her wallet may work, sort of a “reverse stealing” kind of thing.
I was doing it for a while, although my LO is pretty much past needing it now. A big pack of singles looks soothing to someone with paranoia.
As long as you’re sure it’s not going somewhere you don't want It to, no harm for her, easier for you.
A big hug and another hint to you. “Telling yourself” doesn't work at all until YOU BELIEVE what you’re telling yourself. Her brain is broken. She cannot filter, reason with herself, remember your honest, decent past. YOU preserve YOUR loving past by developing your own sense of your loving present.
What she says really isn’t representing facts. Her loving past would want you to know that her damaged present should not cause you pain, since she truly cannot help it.
My 94 year old mother is always accusing people of stealing from her, this has been going on for 30 years. Yet, she is the one who has stolen from others.
I truly wonder about that. Both my stepfather and mother were very self absorbed about their money. Even though they were wealthy, they might give you a gift but you could never ask for a nickel, even in an extreme emergency. And thought nothing of petty theft, ie fiod from a buffet went into my mother’s purse on more than one occasion. Both accused others of stealing , when it was really them who were dishonest.
For some reason, dementia victims always think someone is stealing from them. My mother lived with me and my children before she was formally diagnosed and she told everyone we stole from her. When I confronted her directly, however, she would say "Oh, no, I never said that - I know you wouldn't steal from me." Meanwhile my siblings and family friends would be giving me the stink eye. She even accused us of stealing her underwear. Why she thought my teenage daughter, my 6 foot tall football playing son or even me would want her used white cotton granny panties was beyond me. They just don't think rationally and you will NEVER hear them say "Oh, I must have misplaced that!" Someone always stole it. At first it can be insulting and degrading, but once you learn that they can't help it, you tend to let it slide off your back.
In this case it's worth telling the friends and family members that you were also accused of stealing her underwear, as this will give better insight as to her true mental condition such that they're more likely to believe you when you tell them you don't steal her money.
My mother has accused my brother and me of stealing from her and my brother wasn't even around at the time still isn't. It is hard not to take the negative things they say to heart, but you have to remember it is the disease and not her. Yes, I spent months crying over the hurtful and nasty things my mother would say to me and about me. Now, I have learned to detach emotionally from her. It took time and yes there are times when it can get to me. Your not alone!
My mom did the same to me. She could no longer remember how to use the ATM to withdraw money, so I helped her. When she took out all her money, she wanted more, then she accused me of taking her money. I got so sick of it that I turned over the job of handling her money to my brother.
She doesn't trust me, but she trusts my brother. Yup! Now, when she asks me about money, I tell her: "Go ask your son. I don't know anything about your money."
Dementia makes no sense......sufferers have no idea what they're saying lots of times, nor do they understand the impact their words may be having on others. You have to ignore the accusations and chalk it off to the disease. Your mother knows you aren't a thief but the imposter who's taken over your mother's mind does not. Don't take anything negative she says to heart, or you'll wind up having an even harder time with her than you're already having. When she gets off on this topic, redirect her attention to something else. I know how hard this all is, as my mom has dementia as well. Sometimes she is SO difficult and argumentative that I have to leave the memory care or cut the phone call short. Be sure to take care of YOURSELF throughout this ordeal too, okay? We all suffer at the hands of this cruel disease. All the best.
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I have found the answers on this forum extremely helpful, I don't feel so alone with this awful disease.
Her AL has a zero tolerance for theft by employees, one woman was fired for pocketing a quarter she found on the floor! So when Mom says someone took her money I go through her purse, basket, and dresser drawers. There are usually bills tucked in various pockets and wallets and she always acts surprised to see them.
Luckily I have POA and have told her to just ask and I will give her cash. She has forgotten how to write a check or use a credit card.
I don't know how and why people make excuses - dementia, age, etc. It is a problem that comes from these people but that does not mean it should be allowed and we should tolerate the abuse. No way. We are caretakers giving our all to these people and we should NOT allow this in any way. Sometimes we must get tough and hard to make things stop that should not happen. Sorry, but everyone has a breaking point. I know I do. And since, after a long life where I was Mrs. Nice Guy, I finally learned to fight back and make things stop and my life became much better and more peaceful and I was not stressed out to the danger point. I had no choice and I am glad I finally got wise.
I am of the belief that you should tell them the truth. It has always back fired on me when I try to “go along” with whatever she is saying.
the problem with the tough love is there is no where she can go. So there is no option of kicking her out. Since I cannot follow through in that consequence, it doesn’t make sense for me to use it.
My boyfriend's mom started with money missing and then the entire purse missing. We went nearly every day to locate the purse - usually under her chair or she was sitting on it and forgot where it was. She also kept a roll of quarters and when all this started, she would open the roll and have loose quarters in the purse. Which meant, when she looked for the roll, it wasn't there and someone stole it. After the money, she began putting the car keys away, so we did an Easter egg hunt for those all the time to appease her. (Had another set that she didn't know about).
I think this is something you are going to have to take control of by altering your reaction and the way you hear what she is saying, she isn't really angry with and accusing you of stealing she is angry with herself for not being in control of her world and this is the only way she has to try and take that control back. She isn't thinking for the next few days, I have to be careful when Marium is around because she (or he) is a thief and steals from me, she is simply thinking at the time it has to be someone else's fault so it can't be mine and then moves on. Please try to think of this differently so you aren't feeling resentful because that is just going to set off a domino affect of negativity and it's not worth all of that to try and reason with someone who is trapped in dementia. In some ways it may mean she isn't that far gone so a positive because the way I hear the stealing accusations tend to stop as they get further into the depths of the disease.
about this horrible disease.
and not get upset. I will argue with him and it just upsets us both. I pray we can both take that thought next time it comes up. No amount of explaining will ever help. I’m sorry this is long I wish you the best
My mom with dementia would go to bed at night and my dad would stay up to watch the 10p.m. News. Several times she accused him of going out with another woman because he wasn't in bed, even though he never left the house!
My mom was the sweetest woman that ever lived, so this behavior was completely unlike her.
I know you mom's behavior will make you sad at times, or upset you but it's the illness. Cope with it.
I was doing it for a while, although my LO is pretty much past needing it now. A big pack of singles looks soothing to someone with paranoia.
As long as you’re sure it’s not going somewhere you don't want It to, no harm for her, easier for you.
A big hug and another hint to you. “Telling yourself” doesn't work at all until YOU BELIEVE what you’re telling yourself. Her brain is broken. She cannot filter, reason with herself, remember your honest, decent past. YOU preserve YOUR loving past by developing your own sense of your loving present.
What she says really isn’t representing facts. Her loving past would want you to know that her damaged present should not cause you pain, since she truly cannot help it.
She doesn't trust me, but she trusts my brother. Yup! Now, when she asks me about money, I tell her: "Go ask your son. I don't know anything about your money."
All the best.