My father is 86 and though not yet diagnosed, he is suffering from some type of dementia. He has always been pretty mean with a trigger temper. We'd like to keep him in his house until the very end. We've hired a home care professional that comes in every day for four hours. He's terribly mean to her and threatens to kick her out -- and does kick her out -- often. When I try to explain that we are helping him, he says he's not a two year old -when actually he is. He wears diapers and poops in them and doesn't want to change them or bathe. He won't eat except for chips and sweets. He's even pooped on the floor and denied it. He's in a state of constant combat. Everything is a fight! Everything! Even when I get him calmed down and try to make sense of everything, he stops, gets angry and hangs up on me, or if I'm there, he starts cussing and shuts down the conversation and leaves the room. He wants to move in (sometimes) with my sister who lives about 15 mins away. He's stayed there after surgeries and a stroke in 2010, and just refuses to accept that it is HER house, disrespects her children and their privacy, etc. He believes family should be taking care of him, but I live 2.5 hours away and come down once a month to cook and stock his freezer with food. My sisters go over every day and it normally turns into a fight. One of them does provoke him, but it normally comes after he's strongly resisted following some rule, like bathing, changing his clothes and mainly his diaper, throwing out spoiled food and making sure he doesn't eat it. We've threatened him with a nursing home, which he doesn't want. He believes his family should take care of him, but can't see that we are! Help!!
You may want to have Dad checked for an Urinary Tract Infection as such an infection in an older person can show such traits.
Also, never threatened an elder "with going to a nursing home" because there may be a time when Dad needs a much higher skill of care, thus a village to look after him, and a nursing home would be your only choice.
And if your dad is suffering from some form of dementia trying to reason with him is useless, a waste of time, and will only serve to frustrate everyone involved including your father. Dementia damages a person's ability to reason. Elderly people with normal reasoning skills don't poop on the floor and then deny it. Get him to the doctor.
And you have to realize that the roles have also shifted. With your dad's lack of reasoning ability, you and your siblings are now the parents and you're taking care of him like you would a young child. You don't listen to what he wants, you do what is safest and healthiest for him. Reasoning with a toddler is a lost cause and trying to reason with someone with dementia is also a lost cause. Their brain is broken and they can't reason. Come back here frequently - we understand and care.
To address your initial concern, I’m just asking you this. Have you asked him what his idea of “taking care of him” means to him? You are actually caring for him but he may mean something completely different. As my husband’s dementia has progressed, his ability to explain what he means has dropped drastically. I have become pretty good at interpreting but it takes me awhile to make the connection. For example, recently he said his knee was freezing and started pulling up his pants leg. He then started walking around the room showing his leg to people. I started to think what might make his knee cold. I walked over to him and asked if he needed to go to the bathroom. He looked at me with relief and said, “yes”. It may take some work but addressing what he really is asking is worth the effort.
Suggestion of a male care-giver might help. More often than not, when dementia patients lash out it is usually at the person they see the most or who provides the assistance, or perhaps whoever happens to be there at the moment.
This is a work in progress, so get educated and start learning how to live in their moment, redirect them away from whatever is distressing them, and if need be, walk away when they become agitated - come back later and try try again! When all else fails, AL (memory care more than likely for a pooper!) or nursing home, whatever he can afford...
One trick I pulled on my Mom - when I was desperate for a full on diagnosis of her health and felt like the ER was the only place I could get it, but she was perfectly capable of getting in the car- was to call an ambulance. I didn't call 911. I called a local ambulance company. The first time I did it, Medicare even paid. My Mother thought she was going on a date- young, charming guys happy to see her! Your Dad will make a fuss, but the EMT guys know how to handle them. Maybe you can even go to the Dr's office that way. Don't let him give you that "family has to care for him" stuff. You're not nursing homes, hospitals, etc. Good luck.
Betsey P