Mom has gotten to the point where, 12 years after being diagnosed and still at home with my dad, she went to a nursing facility. Mom has excellent care there, and seems to like it there as long as dad is not around. However, everytime he has gone there mom crys and begs dad to take her home. Dad trys to reason with her and tell her it can not happen, but this seems to make things worse, and is really eating at him, and tears him up every time he goes for a visit. She has been there abour 4 months now. I know that dad will not go to a counslor or any other type of group. He will admit to me, his oldest son that this affects him greatly, but the quickly says everything is "fine". I know it is not and is now starting to effect his life and I believe he is now starting to fall into depression. What can I do to "discretly" help him? I have tried a direct approach and he bristles, and shuts down. I thought if there perhaps a book that could help if I gave it to him he would read it as he still reads often to occupy his time. He does live alone at home.
Reasoning with someone who has dementia just doesn't work. Giving Mom comfort and hope is probably better than a rational explanation. "I really am so glad we've had so many years together. You made our house a true home. I think of you when I sit in the chair you found on sale, and the curtains you picked out. You cooperate with the nurses here, so you can come back home when you get better." Not true, but maybe a better message than "it isn't possible." Mom doesn't need The Truth about her prognosis. She needs the truth about his love for her, her impact on his life, and his good intentions.
Do you think that you could get your Dad comfortable with this approach?
It should help him to know that most of the time Mom gets along well in the NH. Talk to the social worker and nurses about mentioning good things to him each time he comes.
Recognize that Dad is in mourning. He has lost the love of his life, little by little, over the past 12 years, and is losing her more quickly now. Mourning a loss is normal. He may or may not be clinically depressed. Mourning can look that way. You, I imagine, are mourning, too. I would think that this is something you can share with Dad. Talk about how much you miss how she used to be, how sorry you are that she has this terrible disease, how glad you are that he has been able to take good care of her, etc. etc. If he opens up about his feelings, don't minimize them -- don't say that it isn't that bad, etc. Share good memories, just as you would with the bereaved at a funeral.
It is not at all unusual for loved ones of persons with dementia to start mourning before death -- after all, the losses start long before death. But not everyone understands this, and it is an awkward situation. I understand your dad bristling at the notion that there is something wrong with his reactions. There isn't anything wrong with him, but since he is hurting it would be good if he could get some support. A caregiver support group would be great. But if he can't accept that, I hope you can be his one-man support group. It might be good for you, too.
Also ask him to recall how you (and other siblings if you have any) or children in general ar when you first went to school. Children are a basket case when they're being dropped off by mom or dad, but are fine once mom/dad is gone. I saw that all of the time when I was a babysitter in my youth. When parents would go to leave, some kids would have a meltdown, but as soon as the car pulled out of the driveway, they were fine and mom and dad were forgotten.