Hi everyone,
I am new here. I am hoping someone can give me some advice...I will try to not ramble too much.
My elderly mother moved to AL a few months ago after falling a few times at home. While she agreed she needed to move, my siblings (primarily one brother and SIL) chose a place of their choice, which is located near them so they could "help her and visit all the time." She originally wanted to move to a place close to me, which would also be closer in proximity to her friends and a couple of other relatives, but they nixed that.
When she moved, she became upset and depressed as she adjusted to leaving her home and friends so abruptly, and they showed no compassion for her. They will visit to drop off groceries and take her to appts but they are frosty towards her (even yelled at her many times) and otherwise do not spend time just sitting with her or having dinner, etc. As such, there were some squabbles between them and my mom, during which my mom said she wished she had moved closer to me since we have a very close relationship and she knows I would visit every day (which I would). That did not go over well with them, as they have now deemed me the "Golden Child" and scapegoat and have decided to use that anger to constantly boss me around and expect me to do everything (from two hours away).
I work a full time job and have many other responsibilities, but make sure to visit nearly every weekend and talk to her on the phone at length every night. I am a people pleaser and have difficulty standing up to my siblings, and it is causing me a great deal of stress. They are constantly sending me nasty, aggressive texts saying that my mother "favors me" etc. and I have done nothing to warrant such treatment. My mother and I are extremely close because, over the past 30 years, I have visited her almost every weekend while they visited her twice a year - they do not seem to understand how that made us closer. There have many many holidays where it was just the two of us because they were too busy. It is not that she favors me or loves me more; it's just that we have spent more time together and apparently they resent that now (which I never knew before). I know that they make comments about it to my other family members.
As an example, my mother has an upcoming dr. appt. and my brother and SIL will be on vacation. I offered to take a day off from work and drive up and take her, as did my sister, who lives 45 minutes from her. She told him it makes more sense my sister to take her, as she is closer, so now my brother and SIL are angry because they think "I should take the day off and take her." (They said that to both my sister and my mother.) I don't get it. I have visited her more than anyone since she moved to AL and have gone out of my way to help her, which she appreciates - but they just seem to have turned against me and nothing I can do is right in their eyes. I called my brother last week and he would barely speak to me. It is so upsetting because I always looked up to him and was close to him and my SIL before this all happened with my mother.
Please advise.
My advice about your hostile siblings:
”I always looked up to him and was close to him and my SIL before this all happened with my mother.”
THIS.
This is their true nature. Believe it. And take it as a warning. You’ll probably see more of that bad behavior. What you saw before was their fake personality.
Do not listen to anything those people say.
It just does not matter, except to you.
Fwiw, moms generation put the men in charge of everything. In spite of knowing full well their lack of interest in caregiving or managing details of any kind. Quite pathetic, really.
Best of luck to you
Thank goodness though he found an excellent assisted living place. Now my father is well taken care of, with the exception that I described in another post. My relationship is over with my brother. I felt bad about this thinking it might be partly me but I heard from others recently and they told me my brother is not the angel he represents himself to be. Very vindictive for anything he deems is a wrong done to him.
Is Mom afraid if him? Why? If he has POA he has no power if it needs a doctor or more to declare her incompetent. If immediate, she still can make her own decisions till she can't. I would just move her closer to you. Dear brother has to know nothing about it till its done unless he is handling her money. Thats why if she is competent she should revoke his POA and assign you.
I would tell your brother and SIL to grow up. Mom favors no one, it all had to do with who lived closer and could do for her. They both are hurting Mom who does not deserve it. I personally don't like confrontation and in this instance I would probably just block them. But may first tell them to grow up. Sometimes there is no rhyme or reason to the way people think. I have found after 40 years married to my DH, his brother has become more like his B of a wife then her him. You will just have to ignore their comments. They will think what they think. You can't do anything about it. But u need to get Mom closer to you. Its not good for her to have arguments with ur brother. You know, she has a right to request they not be allowed to visit at all if all they are going to do is upset her. ALs are not prisons and ur brother is not her jailer even if he holds POA. It really is not a power over someone nor a control. Its a tool to help Mom. What she wants should be primary if competent.