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Hi everyone,



I am new here. I am hoping someone can give me some advice...I will try to not ramble too much.



My elderly mother moved to AL a few months ago after falling a few times at home. While she agreed she needed to move, my siblings (primarily one brother and SIL) chose a place of their choice, which is located near them so they could "help her and visit all the time." She originally wanted to move to a place close to me, which would also be closer in proximity to her friends and a couple of other relatives, but they nixed that.



When she moved, she became upset and depressed as she adjusted to leaving her home and friends so abruptly, and they showed no compassion for her. They will visit to drop off groceries and take her to appts but they are frosty towards her (even yelled at her many times) and otherwise do not spend time just sitting with her or having dinner, etc. As such, there were some squabbles between them and my mom, during which my mom said she wished she had moved closer to me since we have a very close relationship and she knows I would visit every day (which I would). That did not go over well with them, as they have now deemed me the "Golden Child" and scapegoat and have decided to use that anger to constantly boss me around and expect me to do everything (from two hours away).



I work a full time job and have many other responsibilities, but make sure to visit nearly every weekend and talk to her on the phone at length every night. I am a people pleaser and have difficulty standing up to my siblings, and it is causing me a great deal of stress. They are constantly sending me nasty, aggressive texts saying that my mother "favors me" etc. and I have done nothing to warrant such treatment. My mother and I are extremely close because, over the past 30 years, I have visited her almost every weekend while they visited her twice a year - they do not seem to understand how that made us closer. There have many many holidays where it was just the two of us because they were too busy. It is not that she favors me or loves me more; it's just that we have spent more time together and apparently they resent that now (which I never knew before). I know that they make comments about it to my other family members.



As an example, my mother has an upcoming dr. appt. and my brother and SIL will be on vacation. I offered to take a day off from work and drive up and take her, as did my sister, who lives 45 minutes from her. She told him it makes more sense my sister to take her, as she is closer, so now my brother and SIL are angry because they think "I should take the day off and take her." (They said that to both my sister and my mother.) I don't get it. I have visited her more than anyone since she moved to AL and have gone out of my way to help her, which she appreciates - but they just seem to have turned against me and nothing I can do is right in their eyes. I called my brother last week and he would barely speak to me. It is so upsetting because I always looked up to him and was close to him and my SIL before this all happened with my mother.



Please advise.

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I have family member bullies, to the extreme. I won’t explain the details, but if I would, it would be hard to believe: that’s how over the top it is.

My advice about your hostile siblings:
”I always looked up to him and was close to him and my SIL before this all happened with my mother.”

THIS.

This is their true nature. Believe it. And take it as a warning. You’ll probably see more of that bad behavior. What you saw before was their fake personality.
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AlvaDeer Oct 2023
I agree. Believe what you see. And as you know, sounhappy, my recommendation is always to remove bullies with a surgically sharp knife. Get them cleanly out of your life with no margins.
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I am the hostile sibling. Tired doing it all. And then criticized for feeling emotional watching my dear mom fading away. No real help unless I spell it out in finite detail. SIL states she dislikes elderly people. No emotional support from family. Tired of an emotionally cold brother. So I said “SEE YA”.. best just doing it myself..no expectations, No added stress…..
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PoofyGoof Oct 2023
Same. So much easier taking it ALL on than dealing with difficult siblings who really have no idea, nor do they wish to know, what’s going on behind the scenes to keep the trains running on-time. Radical acceptance. And for me? Cutting ties. No capacity to handle abuse from those who know everything about everything and think nothing of hurling insults, accusations and demands. The sad truth: “bye bye!”
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Reschedule the appointment.

Do not listen to anything those people say.
It just does not matter, except to you.
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Get mom signed up to see the doctor who comes I to the AL, that's my advice. Since brother is POA and all the work involved w her care in AL is too burdensome for him, and mom is legally blind, have HER tell HIM that's what she wants to do. Makes life MUCH easier for her and for lazy POAs who figured they'd drop mom off in AL and wash their hands of everything. Ha. What a joke. Now he's pissed and it's your fault? Nice try bud. Ignore he and SIL completely, that's what I'd do. Hopefully once mom gets the in-house doc to be her PCP, things will settle down for her even more and calm will prevail for all.

Fwiw, moms generation put the men in charge of everything. In spite of knowing full well their lack of interest in caregiving or managing details of any kind. Quite pathetic, really.

Best of luck to you
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You are not alone. I thought I knew my brother before my father started needing help. I thought my brother was a smart, decent and caring person. Literally within a week of my father needing assistance my brother turned into a selfish, mean-spirited vindictive, stupid jerk. He doesn't work and is supported by his well off wife. I work full time. So just one week where he had to spend time helping my father was enough for him to change.

Thank goodness though he found an excellent assisted living place. Now my father is well taken care of, with the exception that I described in another post. My relationship is over with my brother. I felt bad about this thinking it might be partly me but I heard from others recently and they told me my brother is not the angel he represents himself to be. Very vindictive for anything he deems is a wrong done to him.
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Sorry your sibs are being such immature babies! Sure it's hurtful but I would write them off! Set boundaries and don't tolerate their crap. Life's too short to allow people to treat you poorly. They can say whatever they want - but you don't have to listen or care.
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If Mom is of sound mind she can make her own decisions even if there is POA. Does that happen to be ur brother. Mom can revoke any POAs she has and assign a new one. If she has no POA, she should and it should be you. If Mom is not happy where she is, then move her closer to you and tell brother to pound sand.

Is Mom afraid if him? Why? If he has POA he has no power if it needs a doctor or more to declare her incompetent. If immediate, she still can make her own decisions till she can't. I would just move her closer to you. Dear brother has to know nothing about it till its done unless he is handling her money. Thats why if she is competent she should revoke his POA and assign you.

I would tell your brother and SIL to grow up. Mom favors no one, it all had to do with who lived closer and could do for her. They both are hurting Mom who does not deserve it. I personally don't like confrontation and in this instance I would probably just block them. But may first tell them to grow up. Sometimes there is no rhyme or reason to the way people think. I have found after 40 years married to my DH, his brother has become more like his B of a wife then her him. You will just have to ignore their comments. They will think what they think. You can't do anything about it. But u need to get Mom closer to you. Its not good for her to have arguments with ur brother. You know, she has a right to request they not be allowed to visit at all if all they are going to do is upset her. ALs are not prisons and ur brother is not her jailer even if he holds POA. It really is not a power over someone nor a control. Its a tool to help Mom. What she wants should be primary if competent.
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Thank you so much for the responses. My brother is POA. My mother is still mentally sharp and is paying for her AL. However, she is legally blind so she needs help. I would love to have her move near me - as would they, as they apparently did not realize how much they would have to do for her - but understandably she said she cannot handle the stress of moving again. Maybe she will change her mind at a later date, but I do respect her wishes and will do the best I can from where I am. Fortunately she is starting to settle in where she is. They are just being immature jerks, which I never knew they were until this happened. :(
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If mom is in assisted living, they usually have a car and driver to take residents to appointments. Mom should be using that. You could be on speaker phone with doctor and mom while she’s in the exam room. Also, video appointments are popular now. They’re easy. Mom participates from her home and doctor is his office. A full report of the visit is accessible on the patient portal to whomever mom grants access. There’s often no reason to disrupt everyone’s schedule now that we have these modern tools.
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Why did she let him make that decision? Why is he POA if you two are so close? If she is mentally sharp there is still time to change both of these situations.
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Sun1977 Oct 2023
Because he is the oldest and said he should be the one to do it. At the time, she was recovering from surgery and not really in a place to argue with him, which she said recently. He does do a good job with the paperwork etc. But he has become angry, petulant, and jealous - which his wife eggs on. For what it is worth, SIL is estranged from her siblings.
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