My mom needs some help, she is living her last years miserable and unhappy. What Can I do for Mom?

Scott, you didn't say whether your mother has always been impossible to please, or if this is a new behavior in her old age. If this is a new behavior, I would bring it to the attention of her doctor. If it is new, it might be signalling some developing problem that could be addressed medically.

Why is your mother in AL? What are her impairments? Does she have mobility problems? Most ALs have bus service for shopping trips. Is she unable to shop for herself? All those things that she wants you to do -- could she do some of them herself, or have them done by AL staff? I'm just trying to get a sense of what she needs compared to what she wants.

I seriously doubt that your mother is going to change. The situation is miserable for both of you. Something has to change. That means, I conclude, that it is you that will have to change. She is pleasant and sweet with other people? -- you should allow and encourage her to spend more time with other people, and less time with you. That would automatically sweeten both of your lives.

Do you believe her when she tells you not running and jumping means you don't care about her? No? Well, then, just dismiss her opinion as being wrong. YOU know you care about her and are doing your best. You may never get Mother's acknowledgement of that fact, but that doesn't make it less true. Be proud of what you are doing.

Since you are NEVER going to please her, no matter what you do, and this is NOT YOUR FAULT, set some reasonable boundaries around what you do for/with her. For example, set a day and time when you will do her shopping (if she truly cannot do it herself), You will get everything she tells you about through the night before. If she forgets something, you'll get it at you next scheduled time. No emergency runs. In addition to the shopping, you and your wife will have her over for Sunday Dinner once a month, and you will visit her on Tuesdays. You will call her in the evening to hear how her day went on the nights you don't see her. In other words, you are doing the giving and you will set the terms of what and when you give.

The Assisted in the expensive Assisted Living Facility she is in comes from the staff there. People who have no local family at all can get by there just fine. She has the bonus of having family help. That is great, but it should not be all-consuming to the family.

As for running out of money in 2 years, start looking into Medicaid now. Also discuss with the ALF administrator whether they accept Medicaid for residents who have been private pay for a certain number of years. Some places have such a policy and others do not. What is your mother's impairment? Is she likely to need Skilled Nursing care in a couple of years?

I'm sorry that you wound up with a mother who does not/cannot express gratitude and praise. That is sad, but IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Your are an exceptional son. Be proud of what you do, and start setting some boundaries so that the love you have for Mother does not turn into resentment.

Jeanee is right on set boundaries and do not carter to her since she does not even seem to appreciate what you do for her-she feels entitled to the service - and it is not your fault and you do not deserve to be treated that way-at first setting limits will be hard and not running for each seperate item will feel to you wrong but when the sky does not fall the next time will be easier. Since she is in AL the social workers should be helping to get her into medicaide-she may have the notion that she will live with you so you might ask her to start thinking about medicaide-she can talk to social services and to her banks etc-now is the time to start detachment-instead of her ordering you to get what she wants-tell her when you are doing your shopping and to tell you what she needs and as was said if she forgets something it can be gotten next shopping day at your conveinace. Many years ago I had to do the shopping for my mil-why me and not her son anyway I had to go to 3 food markets because she would save a cent here or there-it did not happen actually her son said no -I was not going to 3 markets just to save a penny here or there.

I had to put my foot down a few months ago because my mother's whims were ruling my life. She'd book appointments for several days each week - various doctors appointments, follow-ups, and dentist visits, for herself and dad. Then, there'd be shopping and errands, the emergency gallon of milk, loaf of bread, Rx to be picked up, broken hearing aide, etc. She kept me hopping. I finally had to tell her that Wednesdays or Thursdays were good for me. I still go by frequently, but on my terms. I just can't run over to her house, which is only 9 miles away, every time she has a problem with the TV remote or a grocery store has eggs on sale or she can't live without a new pair of pajamas. It was making my kids upset and resentful. Jeanne gave some great ideas. My mother still sneaks in the appointments on other days of the week, and I still tolerate it, but I'm not jumping through hoops every single day now. I check in with her every day and I see her lots during the week, but I only give her two days a week to monopolize. She still drives me insane with her chronic complaining and criticizing, but its at a much more bearable level when its on my terms. Good luck. Its pretty frustrating when other people tell you what a wonderfully sweet old lady Mom is, when some days, you want to gouge your own eyeballs out at the thought of spending another minute listening to the negativity that oozes from her mouth incessantly! I sound like a monster. Really, Scott, I just wanted to tell you that I can understand how you must feel, and that Jeanne is spot on about setting boundaries. And it helps me keep my eyeballs intact.

Scott, I realize that your question was how can you help your mom, and our answers may seem to be focussed on helping yourself. But to have you sane, calm, tolerant is really going to be good for mother, too. What can you do to make her happy? I'm afraid the answer is absolutely nothing. So please take care of yourself in ways that allow you to be a more effective caregiver for her, a good husband, and a happy person.

This seems to be a delimma for most of us cargivers. I am working on not giving up my entire life to give my mom support. I have been starting to look at this entire life experience as a training period on how I don't want to be with my children when I am older. It seems as though the grown child who does the most and cares the most, is the target for an unhappy parent. After almost 3 years I am just now beginning to question on why I am so compelled to jump at my others every need. She too is in a nice assisted living home, and I an fearful that I made her too dependent on me to fill her time. There is staff there to help her but she often waits for me. I can't change overnight but I am beginning to question how much of each day I run to her apartment. I suppose I am co- dependent in my care of her and it is very unfair to my wonderful husband and our life together. This is all a learning experience for those of us trying to make our way through this period of our lives. All of those who write here make this journey a little less difficult by sharing their honest and deep feelings. . We are not alone.
We do have a responsibility to ensure our elderly parent is safely taken care of, but we also have a responsibility to not destroy our own lives in the process. That is why I say to take the time to look up at the sky, the trees and listen to the birds as that keeps us centered back to a place of some peace.

Zanniegirl, most likely your mom trained you like mine did to me to jump in focused mainly on the needs of others which often meant people becoming dependent on me which is not healthy. I'm glad you have gained your insights and yes I can tell you from a husband's perspective with a wife who was once enmeshed with her mother it is unfair, it does hurt for it makes one feel less married, and it does hurt the marriage. It sounds like your mother is safe and cared for which is all you can realistically be responsible for. The rest, like her own emotions about these changes in her life, are really her responsibility to deal with and she will have to the more you set and keep boundaries with her and have your own life as well as focus more on your marriage. You are right that we are not called to be self-destructive martyrs with a trail of collateral damage in our wake which is something that I've too often read on this site.

I am reminded of the first line in the Serenity Prayer ...... "God grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference."

Thank you cmagnum. For your perspectives. I was making progress on backing off from my mothers needs for me to be around, without neglecting her. Just managing her affairs take both my husband and myself. I have to find the right balance and iam working on that My husband is very important in that consideration Fortunately he is a very active and talented woodturner who has a full life of his own..so he is not dependent on me to fill eeryaspect of his life either My mom has had another hospitalization and stroke which has left her an invalid but her mental acuity is good. She can no longer speak well and needs two people to assist her to transfer to her wheel chair or bathroom. Her eye sight Isalso very limited. This has made it more difficult to respond to her needs, but I am still working towards a balance. even with these challenges I feel I have to find a way to not have this consume myself or my husband, There is no real manual for this challenging time, we learn as we go. You are right it is unfair to jeopardize the needs of our mates and that is unfair, we don't know ourselves what the future brings in respect to our own health and lives. You also are right when you say those of us who were good kids growing up are more susceptible to our older parents expectations and needs - because we were raised to always think of others before ourselves, It is very difficult to wade through these conflicts within us and find the balance that works so that we can still have a life that we can live with. I think that is the biggest challenge of all for me - finding that balance and realizing I cannot be everything to my mother, no matter how much I want to, I cannot save her from this end of life journey, we must each travel that path alone. We do have a responsibility for their safety and care, but we must steal away time for ourselves and that is why I am working at letting go of the guilt if I can't be there 100%. For me, it seems to be. Gradual step by step process.

I totally understand where you are all coming from. My Mother is almost 89 and lives in a Senior Living complex. She is dependent on me for any type of social interaction. This started years ago when my Father passed. She refused to go out for coffee with the neighbor ladies, ride the senior transportation, etc. Several years ago she decided she no longer wanted to go out to the box to pick up her mail so her neighbor lady brings it to her. She said she was not picking up the mail any longer as she "might" fall and break something. She has two walkers that she could use but refuses. She had a heart attack several years ago and has three stents but her cardiologist always gives her a "thumbs up" on her checkups. If my husband and I are doing out of town for a medical appt, she develops chest pains, shortness of breath, etc. She then accuses me of "getting angry" if she tells me about her symptoms. Mother is very much a "drama queen" and there is never anything small going on with her. She has visited the ER too many times to count just knowing it is her heart and it never has been. My husband and I had to be out of town today for his appt and she said she had suffered shortness of breath, chest pain, had taken two nitros, etc. while I was gone. When I went over to check on her and was getting ready to go home, she said "you have been with HIM all day, sit down, you can stay longer with me!" I might add, I live six blocks from her and visit her twice each day! I do all of her shopping and anything she wants done around her apartment, rearranging closets, freezer, fridge, watering flowers, etc. I have two brothers that she would never ask to do anything for her nor would she ask them for anything while my Father lived. My husband and I did all of the running for both of them. Mother seems to feel my brothers are "too busy" to do anything although they are both retired, living an active retirement and I am happy for them. However, they seem to feel they have absolutely NO resonsibility where Mother is concerned. Something I think has been fostered by her attitude that they are not to be bothered. As one of the contributors said, I am definitely learning how NOT to act with our daughter as we grow older. Thanks for listening. Good luck everyone!

My mom is 82 and lives in a senior building. She is waiting to have surgury on her left shoulder as the tendons are torn. I went to her Doctor to get her Percocets for the pain and she is going to pysio. She does not want to do anything. Even before the shoulder problem. She complains constantly about everything. My sister has not given my mom her phone number as she can't handle her. So that leaves me. I really, really try to help and be there for her but, I get sick of being constantly asked where my sister is and if I have heard from her. Then she bitches about my sister not talking to her. She goes out for a smoke outside and bitches with the rest of the people living in the building. On the days we go out, she never has anything good to say. Not one thing. I am getting so frustrated and I am at loss at what to do. I am her only contact and some days, I get depressed and just don;t want to listen to this. What do I do? Please any suggestions would help me.

Scott, I think mom shouldn't be rewarded for bad behavior. Give yourself a week off, and leave her be. If that doesn't help her realize just how much she should be appreciating your help, then at least you'll have the week off. Give her a warning that you'll be off duty for the week so at least she'll be aware, then follow thru. If she calls and wants or needs something, call the asst. living and tell them to check in on her. Stay strong for that week.

Depression can be a particular challenge during a person’s later years, when factors such as illness, loss of loved ones and major life changes all contribute to loneliness and anxiety. If an individual is suffering from severe depression and living with others, it can be challenging for his or her caregivers to maintain a stable, stress-free lifestyle.
The qualified professionals who provide home health care services are trained to deal with the challenges of depression. Since many depression sufferers are on medications or attending therapy sessions to treat the condition.

@Rene999, Your mother is like a lot of mothers - unhappy and willing to spread it around!

First, I think you need an antidepressant to help you cope with all that negativity. You should also talk to your mother's doctor about slipping her something to improve her mood, as well.

What would happen if your mother was complaining about your sister, and you responded, "Yes, she has always been a selfish b***h." In other words, agree with her that life sucks and then you die. If she doesn't kill you for a sassy answer, I think that it will be easier for you to accept her negativity as something that you can't change, and don't need to change.

Can the two of you make jokes about what idiots the other residents are? If that's too much, just say, "Oh, Mother, you're so good at finding the flaws in people. You could meet Johnny Carson and find him boring." Trying to get her to be nice is a lost cause. Try to get her to laugh.

I don't know if my ideas will work. I just hope you can find some way to cope.

Hey, What ever happened to "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all"? Think telling the complaining parents this would do anything more then cause more complaining?

Scott, your Mom sounds exactly like mine. I get it. My Mom has been that kind of person, but only looking back have I realized it. Until you're so close to the situation you don't realize how miserable a human being your parent is. I was like you and am figuring things out. I've done everything in my power to make Mom's life happier. It doesn't and don't ever work. I have to accept it.It's too bad, sad really that some people will never be happy. MOM is one of them. She lives with me too. It was my last ditch effort to make her life happier. You guessed it. It didn't work. Everyone else thinks she's just the sweetest person that ever walked c on the face of the earth. Her family knows better.

I am detaching from the emotional stuff as best I can with someone under the same roof. I don't see much advantage to having in AL or NH. I feel I'd be bugged constantly by her out the management, do for now she is here and I have someone that comes 3 days a week right now just for company and do I can get out. I don't particularly like "Dr. Phil" but I remember c one thing he said on a, show years ago that has stuck with me, "we teach people how to treat us", and we've taught well. We've taught demanding narcissistic parents to expect us to meet their every whim and to make them happy. We have to stop it and start making ourselves happy. Maybe some of our parents can still learn, I don't know, but at least since they're not happy anyway, were spinning wheels. I'm finally learning at 64.

I also get it. I put many miles between me and Mother. Other people love her, but her closest friends/helpers have gotten a good glimpse of how she is.

Yes, this stress will endanger your health. My family learned the hard way, while Mom's health is as good as it can be. Go figure.

Good luck and continued blessings to you. You are a good person.

This sounds exactly like the situation I was in. Sad to say, yet a wonderful relief after all, I had to cut her out of my life. The depression and anxiety was so bad that I wanted to kill myself rather than live with Mother's gloom. Just because they gave birth to us does not mean we signed a life-long contract to worry about them.

You are set apart from many who have never asked this question, "what can I do for Mom?" That alone shows a heart that cares, you can receive comfort from knowing who you are and what you have done. If you change your expectations about getting appreciation from Mom, you will be happier in what you do.

Are you still there Sacline? Can't believe I again tried to answer a question from (3) three years ago. (2012). Hope my answer helps someone out there, even though I try to make it personal to the asker.

People act gripey when they don't feel good. Talk to the nutritionist or meals supervisor about supplements. Vit D3 is the sunshine vitamin. Add Folic Acid. Thyroid may need adjusted. Check for infections. Do you live in a state where medical marijuana is legal? A little THC chocolate bar might help her outlook.

I am a nursing student caring for an 89 year old woman who is miserable and exclaims daily that she wants to die and/or commit suicide. She has early stage dementia but most of her issues are related to the fact that she is 4'6" tall and 200 lbs. She lives with her diabetic son who plies Mom with junk food to placate her and now she's diabetic, too, and can barely walk since she's put on 30 lbs since moving in! YAY! When I try to feed her anything healthy she refuses because here comes the son with her take out fettucini alfredo 5 nights a week! Now I'm supposed to walk her daily even though she has Afib, chest pains and hasn't seen a cardiologist in 5 years! Ticking time bomb, anyone? The son is more worried about his trip to Florida for Christmas! I take her out, to the movies, anywhere but...no go. She wants to sit in front of a TV and EAT. Refuses PT or going to a senior center to meet peers because they are "old farts". It's sad. I'm about out of here, period.

She's very unhappy with her life and she'd like it to end. Sounds like she is intent on making that happen, albeit very slowly.

Perhaps you would be more happy yourself and be doing more good to find a client who wants help living, not dying.

Mary, before you leave, think about the dysfunction, enabling and co-dependency existing in this situation. I'm certain it won't be the first time you encounter it, so this can be a learning experience.

You should be more patient and try to know what is going on in her mind. May be she needs more time.. You should also keep a check if the people/staff their are taking good care of her. If not, you must find another assisted living home for her. I know its a tough decision, but you have to do something about it.. Good luck.

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Luvida Memory Care

It is helpful to read all of these scenarios. One thing I don't notice is people that are stuck with a self centered and manipulative parent that have no money. My mother has always been a narcissist and selfish, nasty comments constantly. Telling me, "you are generous with your money, but not your time." I have explained to her on MULTIPLE occasions that it is because she is a cup TOTALLY empty person and it is not enjoyable to be around her. Took her to Mexico with my entire family last year, it was "too windy, too rainy, the food was vile," etc. I pay for all of her mortgage, taxes and insurance. Her social security money is basically pocket money. Just recently she started having spikes in her blood pressure. Decided that she "hates" where she is living and has to get out of there as the walls are closing in on her. Also "hated" her "piece of shit car." So we went out and got her a new car. Now the latest is she won't live there, (in the place I am paying for) due to her depression and anxiety. Her doctor supposedly told her to NOT go back there. I brought her to my home (my husband is a saint, bwt). All of our kids are gone (5) and we are loving life with our adult kids and grandkids and hang with them ALL of the time. My mother did not like the fact that we had to go to work and do things with our grandkids, etc. Fast forward, she was in the hospital and got out. Doctors suggested meds for depression and anxiety which she won't take. Bottom line: she wants me to sell her place (little equity in it) and has "no clue" where she will move, but it's not gonna be here or my brothers and she is NOT going back to her place (per her). She is pushing me to put her in a place that is independent living but does everything for her. This will cost me a fortune and cut into our retirement and long term care plan, etc. I am so angry and feel like I am being held hostage by her demands. Any suggestions???

It is helpful to read all of these scenarios. One thing I don't notice is people that are stuck with a self centered and manipulative parent that have no money. My mother has always been a narcissist and selfish, nasty comments constantly. Telling me, "you are generous with your money, but not your time." I have explained to her on MULTIPLE occasions that it is because she is a cup TOTALLY empty person and it is not enjoyable to be around her. Took her to Mexico with my entire family last year, it was "too windy, too rainy, the food was vile," etc. I pay for all of her mortgage, taxes and insurance. Her social security money is basically pocket money. Just recently she started having spikes in her blood pressure. Decided that she "hates" where she is living and has to get out of there as the walls are closing in on her. Also "hated" her "piece of shit car." So we went out and got her a new car. Now the latest is she won't live there, (in the place I am paying for) due to her depression and anxiety. Her doctor supposedly told her to NOT go back there. I brought her to my home (my husband is a saint, bwt). All of our kids are gone (5) and we are loving life with our adult kids and grandkids and hang with them ALL of the time. My mother did not like the fact that we had to go to work and do things with our grandkids, etc. Fast forward, she was in the hospital and got out. Doctors suggested meds for depression and anxiety which she won't take. Bottom line: she wants me to sell her place (little equity in it) and has "no clue" where she will move, but it's not gonna be here or my brothers and she is NOT going back to her place (per her). She is pushing me to put her in a place that is independent living but does everything for her. This will cost me a fortune and cut into our retirement and long term care plan, etc. I am so angry and feel like I am being held hostage by her demands. Any suggestions???

Is she so poor that she would qualify for medicaid? I don't know if any assisted living places take medicaid or not.

How old is your mom and what are her additional health problems beyond the ones that you listed above?

How has she been living on her own in that house where the walls are closing in on her?

What does she mean by closing in on her? Is her house in that bad of shape or is she just board? Can you find out what the doctor actually said? Do you have medical POA for her.

I will say this though, your saint of a husband likely has limits to his sainthood. Several days ago, we learned on a thread of a saintly spouse who had enough verbal abuse from her MIL and left.

Frankly, you don't owe her your retirement and long term health care plan.

Why won't she take her meds for depression and anxiety?

My dad has always been the opposite. Always glad to see me and such a very nice guy. He's put his family first all of his life and never stopped when he was in Assisted Living. Always so appreciative.

Then he had that bad seizure that put him in the hospital and into continured care that stunk. He was in no way ready to go back home to his apt., but Medicare had DEEMED him ready. The place had nowhere FOR him except in their upstairs Continued Care Unit.

It was horrible. Two beds to each room and the rooms were so small that it was disgusting. They had a big meeting area for all the patients to hang out in..along with having music therapy...yet the whole thing reminded me of nothing but "Somewhere over the Cucoo's Nest".

There was NO was I was going to put my dad there so I put him back in the apartment he wanted to go to. He was fine and I had him on aid for his meds so at least he'd finally take them without forgetting. Horrible place as the MA's would change his Depends and just leave them in the garbage; so that when I came to visit, it stunk to high heaven of urine in there.

The lazy idiots would give him a urinal at the side of his bed and expect him to go on his own..(even though it was their job to get there to help him at night when he called them with the button on his wrist).

Half the time he'd end up spilling it all over the place and he'd feel terrible about it, while he went back to sleep with his room smelling like urine.

I'd spend several night a week there watching him get out of bed and into his transport chair to use the bathroom. I told him to use his call button but he said that by the time THEY got there..he'd have already gone; so I'd get up with him every night and help him myself.

His regular rent was $2400 a month. Once he went on additonal minimum care they raised it to over $3600 while doing basically nothing but give him his meds.

I took a break one day to run home and change clothes..came back; and the aid had him in the bathroom with his wheeled walker (which I had plainly put a sign on to Please DO Not Use). I'd also put a Gait Belt on the walker to be used WHEN he was ready to use it and found it laying on the floor.

This aid had to have unlooped the Gait Belt..thrown in on the floor...and took my dad to the bathroom. I found her standing out in the hallway of my dad's apt.not even WATCHING my dad!!

I was living and asked her what the heck she was doing using the walker I'd specifically asked aids not to her her reply was, "Oh..I didn't know.."

She's lucky she still has a job!!

But it's things like that..things that I have to do for the wellbeing of my dad..that make him just want to die. He often thinks he's too much trouble..is tired of just sitting around all day and sleeping..and there are times he says the same as other parents.."Why can't I just die now and get it over with??"

I won't take that from my dad as he's soo very lucky to be alive and keep telling him that God isn't finished with him yet and has plans for him. He doesn't understand why God has given him all these chances in life while I explain to him that he wouldn't have survived his stroke and recovered like he did..he wouldn't have survived the risky brain surgery that he did if God didn't have more plans for him..

And thus..sometimes when I go to visit him..he's been just plain angry with me. He sometimes hates that I'm there and tells me to go find something to do and just leave him alone. He's gotten better but still talks about wanting to die.

He's much better than half the people at the nursing facility he's at and should be thankful for that..but sometimes I can't blame him. How are WE going to feel when we can't drive, there's nothing that we can do anymore that we used to have fun doing; etc. Sorry for this very long post but I figured that some could relate. Thanks for reading.

I am assuming that your mom might have passed since you posted this. I just want to offer a hug, and support. I lost my Mother 5 years ago and I am separated and living with my 83 year old step father, and helping to care for him. It has been a sometimes hellish journey. I am now a certified nursing assistant and, also care for an 83 year old woman that is so miserable, and mean, yet so blessed with money, and a home I feel like I am in the looney bin half the time. I just want to offer support to people like you and me. My step father can be awful and changes his will every time I upset him. It get really old. I now just ignore him, and do the best I can. After he dies I don't believe I will continue to care for, or deal with old people anymore. Unless of course I find one who is kind, and grateful. May the Blessed Light of the Universe light our way.