My three siblings want to put my mother in a nursing home. She does not want this and neither do I.
She is in a rehabilitation center at the present.
How can I help her be returned to the home that we both share.
I really need some good advice to help my poor mother.
We had advice and other help from our local Area Agency on Aging. I kept on everyones' cases to get my questions answered and as much help as I could get. It was a more than full time job and it was unpaid. But I am glad I was with her all the way.
Second, many people assume that the nursing home is always the best option or the only option. This isn't true. In some cases, it can cause decline because that person realizes they are now in a nursing home. They equate it with "the end of the line" and start worrying about their impending death which causes anxiety and depression which can also affect physical health. I'm not saying that nursing homes are bad or that they don't provide good care. Under certain circumstances, they are completely necessary but if a person doesn't want to go there and is mentally competent, and is able to get help with day to day living, they don't automatically need to go.
And there is something that it seems many people are totally unaware of. I live in the state of PA. We have something called "The Waiver Program" and I have done some searches on this for some other states and some states provide similar programs although they may be under some different name or heading. This program is provided through State Lottery funds and Medicaid. They give you a free medical alert system and monthly service. They provide at-home aides to help take care of elderly people who need help to stay out of the nursing home until it is absolutely necessary. Right now an aide comes to our house 9-5 M-F to help take care of my mom who is in later stage of Alzheimer's. They hook you up with Meals on Wheels. They also provide handicapped access equipment in one's home if needed. All of this is free. Here is a link to my state's program: http://www.dhs.pa.gov/learnaboutdhs/waiverinformation/index.htm
Check with your county's Agency on Aging or Department of Aging and find out if they have a similar program that they could set you up with. State Aging services also provide help in a variety of ways. Take advantage of that. Get hooked up with a representative of you county Aging Office right away.
To answer your question about what's been happening, I'm being told that I can not visit my mother where she is staying without being accompanied by a relative and my sister with POA must first provide the facility with clearance for me to do so. And I can't call my mother because the telephone in her room has been turned off by them. I have not complied with my siblings to give them any financial paperwork that they need. My attorney advises me not to share it. He recommends mediation with my siblings. The only sibling that was in touch (text messages only) is not responding to my text messages and questions. I don't know what's happening to my mother. I'd like to have this facility investigated by the authorities for the way that they are mishandling this matter.
Your sister has not right to your Mother's papers until your Mother gives them to her. Period.... happy to hear that you have consulted an attorney.
The reason they don't want your Mom at the meeting is because she will object to being placed in a care facility. She has rights.
Stick to your guns.
Best of luck to you........ it is a giant undertaking but you and your Mother already have a plan don't you?
Had they put up a fight or had I not been able to get them to a group meeting, I was prepared to video record my loved one stating her wishes with proper witnesses, suitable for use in court. Fortunately that was not necessary. I should add that while I had assumed responsibility for the management of my loved one's care, I did not have legal authority which made these actions particularly important. You are right, it is her life and her wishes need to be honored and respected.
Thank you very much for taking the time to reply to me twice now. Both of your posting have been of great help to me. I really appreciate your concern as well as the valuable information that you had to share. I did speak to an elder care attorney today who advises me not to provide my siblings any of the documents that they are asking me for. It may very well be like you said in your second posting that my sister who has POA has tested the document already with the facility and was told she needed to bring in the documents she is asking you for in order to arrange for payment for moms care in the facility. I never would have thought of this without reading your posting today. THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!
Thank you for your concern. And for the information you gave, and for checking with your attorney I want to send out a big THANK YOU!! I say this because I spoke to an elder law attorney today who told me the same thing. He advised me not to cooperate with my siblings but rather to petition the court for a competency hearing which will decide the matter once and for all. As far as I'm concerned I'll repeat the famous words..."I have not yet begun to fight"
I was told that the POA was done in 2009. Should I still ask to see it before providing my siblings with any of the paperwork or should I not give them anything at all?
If the siblings haven't been visiting mom at home, why would they visit in the facility?
It sounds like they have a problem with you and think they are protecting mom ( in their opinion) from your inadequate care. Your mom had to sign the POA for sister to have it. Do you think she did this long ago or recently since she's been in the hospital? This might matter. If mom isn't able to make her own decisions and she signed it recently then it wouldn't be valid. If she signed it long ago then the sibs might have a stronger case. If she just legally signed it for sister then she could rescind it and sign one for you. If you get a copy you will know. Remember they want something from you so use should be able to get a copy.
All the points of view are valid about how hard it is to care for someone who needs more than one person can handle. But many many people live out their lives in their own homes. Right now if your mom doesn't want to go, SHE can stop it. If she isn't able to express herself, then the sister who has the POA makes the decisions. Even if mom decided to go to the home, as long as she is mentally competent she can change her mind and go home UNLESS they get guardianship. Ask yourself why they would be doing this? Even if they are wrong, they probably think they are protecting your mother. People have very different and very strong opinions about this subject. Some won't like the temp at your house, or feel it isn't clean enough or feel you bring in rough characters they don't want to be around. Or your children are a problem, or you are using moms money for your own benefit, Mom isn't clean. There's an odor. It can be anything. Sometimes they are right. Sometimes they aren't. Sometimes these very conditions exist in whichever facility is chosen. We on this forum don't know. We can only tell you. Mom has rights and can call the shots as long as she is competent. The POA MIGHT override mom if she is no longer competent. You should consider help but You don't have to answer their demands. Especially when they refuse to be honest and upfront with mom. You need a heart to heart with mom, an elder attorney and a realistic examination of your abilities to take care of yourself and mom. If you do take her home and it doesn't work out, you can always find a facility at that point when you are both ready. Remember to breathe and seek the best outcome for mom. Your siblings could be trying to help you as well since they have already decided they aren't care takers, they can't imagine that you could be. The possibilities are endless.