Follow
Share

So, I am a middle-aged 'only child' of a mother, that has advanced Alzheimer's. My step-dad is her caretaker & is not ready to put her in a facility. He is her POA. Anyway, she was recently swiping at the mirror & said, "to get that woman out her house" & fell backwards on the hardwood floor. She now says she doesn't know how to walk. If you try to move her, she yells out, seemingly in pain. Side note, when my stepdad & I were out of the room, she scooted out to the room we were in with the walker & walked fine & didn't complain or yell. Just the day before the fall, she was very mobile on her own, no walker involved. Anyway, I have asked my stepdad to get her an X-ray, which he stated my mom absolutely refused to do at the Dr.'s office. I have since reached out to all step siblings for advice/help. I have contacted my parents rep at the local Aging society, who was to call me back after making contact with them. Haven't heard back & it's been a week. No one is saying anything. Also, a little background.. My adult children, myself & step- siblings have told my 86 yr old stepdad for about a year that we feel my mom should be in a home for her health & for the level of care she needs, also to lessen his burden. He says he wants her at his side still. He was just in ER with some health issues & if he declines, how is he going to care for her & himself? Any options here? I feel like my hands are tied. Very stressed here. Thank you in advance!

Find Care & Housing
Your stepfather is the POA.
I would offer support in looking in on Mom without enabling the poor decision of their not getting care.

To be honest (and perhaps this comes of being now 82 with an 84 y/o partner) your mother chose your stepfather as husband and as POA. Whether in choosing otherwise (let us assume you, yourself) she would now be "safely" "in care" and live a few years longer? Perhaps. But in attempting a guardianship fight with her hubby you would almost certainly:
A) lose
B) invest money needlessly
C) if you won be in for a world of woe with an uncooperative mom and hubby
D) add little to your mom's life. Safety issues such as falls, etc. will continue

I cannot see the stress of this being worth it for any reason.
I do like that you reached out to step family. I suggest you all work out a check in schedule and keep in touch with one another.

I hope as a new member you will fill in your profile for us, which will help if you plan to stay on the site at all. I certainly do wish you all the best.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to AlvaDeer
Report

KatHut, welcome to the forum :) Our parents can be unbelievably stubborn as they advance in age.


Many of us here in the forum had to wait for a medical emergency where 911 was called and the parent hospitalized before we could get the ball rolling for senior living. Sure enough, when my Mom was 98 she had head trauma due to a fall. Both my parents still lived in a house which had a lot of stairs. Mom went from the hospital to rehab.... from rehab into skilled nursing and that is where she remained.


As hard as it is, you will need to sit and wait for that call.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to freqflyer
Report

After my dad was dropped while the medical transport van was bringing him home, that agency sent a mobile X ray unit to the house and took X rays. Maybe you could request that service for your mom.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Fawnby
Report

Can you talk to SF about the possibility of both going together into care, even if his needs are less?
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to MargaretMcKen
Report
KatHut Sep 23, 2024
Definitely an option & it's been discussed previously. There is an excellent place that my daughter works at it & most of his friends are already at. Even the friends have encouraged him to move there.
(1)
Report
One thing you can do is check out memory care facilities in the area (assuming you live close by). It's not ideal to have to find a placement on short notice. If you were to narrow it down to the best two or three places it could save your stepfather some effort when the time comes. Because it will come eventually, if she no longer recognizes herself and fights medical treatment.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to iameli
Report
KatHut Sep 23, 2024
Hi, & thank you. He actually knows of a really good place. My daughter works there & most of his friends are there. He just isn't "ready" to make any decisions, unfortunately.
(1)
Report
Sounds like they both need to be in professional care. But you cannot force it. Your options are limited to reporting them to APS or waiting for an event that forces change. Many of us have waited for the event, it always comes, and it’s never fun waiting for it
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Daughterof1930
Report
KatHut Sep 23, 2024
I agree, thank you!
(0)
Report
You sound like a very loving child and I'm impressed that you have this good relationship with your step-siblings and with Step-Dad.

Since Step-Dad has the POA sometimes you must have to back off for awhile.

Dementia is a funny thing. Mom would go on and on about being cold like she was in a brain loop but wearing a sweater would "hurt" her. I would take the fact that she walked on her own with the walker as a good thing. Also, the fact that the doctor did not press for xrays is probably a positive thing.

The fact that you have a backup residence in mind is good.

Sometimes where you are at is where you are at.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to brandee
Report

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter