Mother in law was dropped on me, 4 months after I had a double mastectomy. My husband promised me, that he would find her an old age home, because she had a minor (turns out very minor, if at all) stroke. Now he always say that there is no money. He does not mind that she treats me like a maid. I moved out of our bedroom about almost 2 weeks ago. There is nothing wrong with her, does nothing, only sits in the living room. Orders her meals from me. He is a only son, and she likes to tell me: he is mine. Then there is a lot of other things I found out about him.
Can I tell you the whole story for advise please.
What are the "lot of other things I found out about him"? What is the whole story?
Sleeping in another room is only serving to push you further down the pecking order where your husband should be placing you on a pedestal.
And for two years you have battled on!
How are you regaining your self esteem? Can you safely stand up to your husband and receive a respectful hearing? Do you have the courage/authority to confront MIL about what you will and will not tolerate?
Your health, happiness, and marriage are in disarray and I hope you receive much support from others on this forum who share your pain.
Please go into as much detail as you deem appropriate (and safe to divulge).
I will say, you should have set Boundries in the beginning. By being her maid you have actually disabled her. Husband should be doing the fetching and carrying for Mom. So, start using those boundries now.
I have been having trouble posting the past few days but would like Help with some things I have learned since my moms stroke.
Many times what appears to be normal and capable of doing things isn’t always what the brain can actually process. My mom could tell you exactly how she would make a call on her cell phone (and it would be correct) but had you given her her cell phone she would not be able to do the “actual process” of those actions. They need a lot of therapy - sometimes medications and need to relearn many things - it’s a long road. I will give more info on resources and things that helped us when I can later today. But just wanted you to know your frustrations are valid and hopefully everyone here can help guide you to all find a better solution.
If you can find support groups, especially affiliated with hospitals, you can get some support and encouragement. It should start with your establishing your own parameters, i.e., you are not a maid, you are not a caterer, and your MIL has a son who apparently is nonparticipatory who needs to grow up and be responsible as well for his mother.
It's not easy to find that courage, and sometimes arises from long term subordination by other people.
If you've discovered "other things" about your husband, have evaluated them and considered them inconsistent with continuing to be married to him, that's another potential step, unless he's willing to change. And I rather doubt that; he doesn't seem to be interested in equality of a married couple. So, focus on your needs.
If you have to, begin exploring options to leave the house, such as contacting the county to determine if there are shelter homes for abused women (abuse isn't just physical harm; it's emotional as well).
My suggestions probably seem drastic, but you can also read other threads or articles here by women in similar situations.
One article:
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/caring-for-in-laws-153386.htm