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Hi all. We have been taking care of my spouse’s mom for over 5 years and I’ve hit my breaking point. Mom has dementia, veering into late stage, and I am struggling to keep doing this or remain in my marriage. I say this because the month we got married, she was diagnosed with it, and immediately moved in with us. We have tried in home care givers, which she did not accept and fired. We have tried rehab and a lateral transfer to memory care and they actually allowed her to decline and take a taxi ride home (we tried to refuse to take her back). We’ve had very little support from her extended family and have had to fight to even get neighbors or medical professionals to help us, minus the team that actually diagnosed her. She has many chronic health illnesses which seem to be overwhelmingly … present. I can’t manage heart, lung, and immobility on my own, and her son, my husband, is virtually zero help. We have kids, jobs, and on top of it, MIL is also very unpleasant to me on about a daily basis.
I’m flat out exhausted, I’m tired of excuses as to why we can’t get more help, and I’m simply tired of doing this for someone who never asked me if I even wanted or could help, and has fought me and been unpleasant since we met. My spouse has also told me if I don’t like the situation anymore I’m welcome to leave, which also sucks. What’s the right thing to even do here? She’s pretty reliant on me and I don’t want to just abandon, but I also cannot do this anymore.

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"My spouse has also told me if I don’t like the situation anymore I’m welcome to leave..."

wow

Apparently you've been married about 5 years so if you have kids they must be very young (unless this is a 2nd marriage situation). Because you have kids I would not leave until you attempted to get him into couples counseling together. Even if he refuses to go, you should go to a therapist to help you navigate this situation and to find and defend boundaries. Your spouse gets 1 chance from you to get his priorities straight. After that I would talk to a divorce attorney (don't tell him this) in order to figure out the financial piece and legal protections for yourself. Then leave. It will be easier for you to do a trial separation w/kids than to extricate your MIL. You are not abandoning your MIL (unless she then chooses to leave voluntarily).

No one can be assumed into caregiving, especially in a brand new marriage. This is immoral and unethical. There are other solutions for MIL which neither she nor your "ex" will like, but that's too bad. Do not return to your home and marriage unless all your conditions are met (she moves out, he goes to counseling with you, whatever). This sounds extreme but you are well on your way to burnout so you literally have nothing to lose in deploying DefCon 1 in this situation.

I wish you clarity, strength, courage, wisdom and peace in your heart as you create a healthy future for you and your kids.
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Falllover99 17 hours ago
Thank you so much. Taking in what you said. 💗
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Fallover, we get this an similar question once a week or so.

I gotta tell you, others on here are often , pro leave. I'm always the type , to say we can not judge what's going on in one text and one persons side, and we should not judge a marriage by that.

So what I say now is not anything I've ever said before,

RUN!!

Your husband sounds like a jerk, honestly he should be worshiping the ground you walk on, for doing what you're doing.

If your husband is no help , and can't see how tired you are, this is the type of person he is, and will always be.
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Reply to Anxietynacy
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If your husband really said that to you, what does that say about his love for you? It sounds to me like you are being kept as an indentured slave. You need to leave. Consult a good divorce attorney.
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Falllover99 17 hours ago
It’s how it feels too.
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See a divorce lawyer for a consultation before you do anything.
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Reply to southernwave
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Wow! You say that your MIL moved in with you and your husband the month that you got married 5 years ago and that your husband, your MIL's son "is virtually zero help" in her care.
All I can say about your husband is.....Loser, with a capital L. How dare he do that to you and your children, when you were just newly wed, and now has the balls to tell you that if you don't like it you can leave.
So yes, I would leave for at least 2 weeks to start with the children that are yours, and let your husband fend for himself with his mother so he can truly understand what her care requires.
Perhaps after that he will wake up and realize that his mother belongs in a memory care facility or nursing facility and will beg you to come back.
And if he doesn't have that revelation, then perhaps it best that you speak to a divorce attorney and get on with living and enjoying your life away from a man who apparently has been putting his mother before you this whole time.
When a man(or any person) tells you who they really are in word and actions, it's always wise to listen and pay attention, as that is who they truly are.
Best wishes in doing what is best for you and your children in this very unhealthy situation.

And on a side note...how was your MIL able to fire in-home caregivers if she's living in your home, even if she's paying for them, as it's your home not hers?
She shouldn't have gotten a say. That was your first of many mistakes.
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Falllover99 17 hours ago
I don’t even know honestly.
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Fall over, quietly and on the down low find a divorce atty & asap. There is no “we” in your situation. It’s all “you”. And you are viewed as a worker, a caregiver, a door mat. There is no marriage as a partnership.

For all that is good & sacred, get the f*** out of this. And get that divorce atty to show you how to do this and make it as optimum for you and your kids as possible.
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Falllover99 17 hours ago
That’s how it feels too. All work, no marriage; and the second I dare speak up about it, it’s a problem and I’m being “selfish” (truly, she really needs more care than one person can provide).
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I've never heard of a locked memory care facility allowing a resident to take a taxi ride home, that's a first in all my years of being here and also working in Memory Care Assisted Living and having my mother living in one for 3 years. You may want to try placing MIL in a real Memory Care Assisted Living facility where no such thing is allowed before you file for divorce. Then at least you'll have time to go to marriage counseling with DH to find out if this marriage has a chance of surviving.

Best .of luck to you.
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Falllover99 17 hours ago
It wasn’t memory care - it was a rehab center and they did a memory test on her and she scored a point above whatever the minimum threshold was (I think 13?) so they determined she could make her own choices at that time. We tried to do a lateral transfer into the memory care and weee unsuccessful. Some young nurse there took pity on her (she told them all we weee trying to “lock her up and take all her things”) and I’m pretty certain arranged transport home for her. They said because she scored above the threshold she was allowed to d/c herself at anytime. It was awful. Not to mention, I actually saw a lot of improvement while she was there, so it was frustrating on that level as well.
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Your spouse has told you if you don't like it you should leave.
IMHO you have your walking orders.
I would be in an attorney's office this week; I can't imagine why you stayed 5 years.

You're an adult. Your husband has been honest, at least, that he couldn't care less about you and what you think or do. The choice is yours now.

You're very welcome here; come read the stories of others. But that won't change that you wasted one half a decade.
Many waste a whole life and they die broken or ill before their elder.

I usually go on about how you can "help him" and "remain his friend " as he assumes care. But this guy? Nah, he won't be assuming any care. MIL will be out of there on your heels to a nursing home, and he will marry someone else gullible enough to bite. He couldn't care less about you in my opinion. He's no loss whatsoever.

I wish you best, but it is entirely up to you. I am so thankful there are no children in this marriage.
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funkygrandma59 17 hours ago
Alva, the OP did say in her post that "We have kids, jobs, and....", so I'm thinking that perhaps the children are from previous marriages, or at least that's what I'm hoping as that way she can take hers and get the heck out of Dodge.
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Your husband gave his blessing for you to leave, so you can leave, before your health takes a downturn.
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Reply to cover9339
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I’m so sorry for how your husband has treated you. There’s simply no excuse. He’s clearly shown you where his priorities are, and unfortunately they aren’t on you. How rotten to be in such a dysfunctional marriage. As he has no interest in repairing your relationship, please seek, without his knowledge, a consultation with a good divorce attorney. Make plans to leave and build a new life minus all this stress and heartache, without apology. You never deserved this and most certainly are not selfish. I wish you healing and peace. Hoping to read here one day that you’ve left and have a new life filled with positivity and hope
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Its time to walk. Then your DH will have to figure out how to care for HIS mother. She could be placed in Longterm care. If she has money, she pays for it, if not Medicaid. I will bet if you leave that is exactly where your DH will place her. Consult with that lawyer. Hoping you had no children with husband. Will make it easier to pick up and walk out. You were on your own before DH, you can do it again.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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It sounds as if you’re pretty good at buttoning your lip and carrying on so I doubt you will run screaming into the night even though you are at your breaking point. That’s good. It also sounds like you are the long-suffering type. That’s admirable in some cases but may make it harder to sit quietly and make a plan and then follow through.

When I was in a similar situation (kids, rotten husband, unsalvageable marriage) I made a lot of mistakes extricating myself and wasted a lot of time and money fixing those mistakes afterward. It felt liberating at the time to make the dramatic exit but it definitely wasn’t the best for myself or my kids.

Please make a plan, on paper, with firm deadlines. Keep it on the hush-hush. A concrete plan will help you calm down, think strategically and survive the next month or two until you can leave. First step: divorce lawyer. ASAP.
Re-read your post frequently and stay strong in your resolve. You WILL be happy again.
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Reply to Peasuep
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To make your remaining time in your current home "bearable" you should not respond to any negative or critical words aimed at you or in earshot by your spouse or MIL. Ignore it, do not respond or defend yourself (you're not going to change their minds anyway); or, abruptly change the topic as if you never heard what they said; or, put on headphones and listen to calming music; or, walk out of the room or house. Or, all of the above. Keep doing this relentlessly. It is a behavior modification tactic called "extinguishing". It takes away their power and satisfaction in saying the stupid things to you. Eventually their attacks will lessen. In the best-case scenario it will stop completely. It is a type of boundary.
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Reply to Geaton777
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Go get your ducks in a row then fly the coop. Your husband is counting on you to be too afraid to leave.
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Reply to lkdrymom
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Divorce exists because of spouses like yours. Mull that over. Then get thee to a divorce lawyer for a free initial consultation. There is nothing left of your marriage. Your husband is a jerk. Your MIL doesn't like you and needs more help than you can give her.

Somewhere there's a nice house or apartment waiting for you, and when you're living there, peace and calm will return to your life. GO!
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