How can I get my dad to agree to a nursing home?

Oh how difficult. I am 71, and am enjoying retirement. I am so sorry for you. ‘He can’t live all that much longer’ isn’t a pleasant comment in more ways than one. He sounds in remarkably good shape for 100, though everything is so slow.

Is there any chance of you getting out in the daytime? If he rests and isn’t a major fall risk, perhaps a couple of hours on his own could be a possibility. Could you get in-home care? I would assume that you've been through that option.

Is there any chance that the vet nursing home would let you move in with him, even for a week or so? It might make it easier for him to accept the move initially, and then perhaps he will accept it permanently. It isn’t in the rules for the vet home, but this really is an unusual situation. If they had a spare room during a change-over, they might be compassionate. Even if it wasn’t a success for him, a couple of weeks would give you a rest that might help you. You could ‘sell’ it to him on that basis.

Best wishes to you for all you do, for your courage and your determination over such a long time.

You say Dad’s mind is sharp. Do you think it’s sharp enough that he could be using tears and a death wish to manipulate you? Have you leveled with him and in a no-nonsense manner told him “I can’t do this anymore.”

I’ll bet he would be surprised if he gave a facility a chance. Especially a Veteran’s Home. He would be among people who have “been there, done that”. Can you arrange short visits for him to scope it out? Have lunch there; maybe attend an activity?

If Dad persists with the waterworks and threats, you will have to be very strong. You can do this! Good luck. Come back and let us know.

Thank you for replying. The short term moving in isn't possible. They will not allow. He also is a definite fall risk. I can get away some during the day because we do have Lifeline. The hardest thing is that my only grandchild, 22 months old, lives 800 miles away and I cannot go visit. I've seen her 3 times, and one of those for my husband's memorial.

Have you talked with your father's doctor(s) privately to explore moving him to the Vet home?
I met privately with my mother's doctor, and he is willing to speak to her when the time comes to either get in home care or move to a nursing home. She is 91 and lives independently with my help, but the time will come when she needs more care and she is not the personality or temperament I could tolerate in my home and to say she is difficult is an understatement.
There are also senior social workers to talk with and lots of information about how to broach the subject of in home care or moving into a nursing home.
It seems like you are struggling with this decision, and it is a very difficult one. You may want to make a connection with someone at the Vet nursing home to help make the transition. Take your father to lunch there and see if you can have lunch with a few of the residents so he can get to know them. I'm sure he would enjoy visiting with people who share many of the same interests, too.
My friend's uncle fought going into a nursing home, but within a short time loved it. He wavered a bit but eventually settled in.
If there is no way you can make this transition, in home care can be set up through your father's doctor since he is a fall risk. You could explain to your father that you need the help and maybe he will accept it better in that light. Hopefully you can then increase the staff as needed and get some respite time for yourself.
I wish you the best!

I am so sorry you are not able to enjoy your retirement and see your grandchild. As someone else said, your dad lived his life...he is one the end of the trail and you haven’t begun your retirement yet really. Your dad could conceivably live another couple of years. I know of two friends parents who just died at 102 and 103. Of course he is using tears...that’s what the elderly do. Their emotions are much closer to the surface than used to be. My dad cries a lot as he remembers the past. He too didn’t want a NH. I mean, in reality who does? It means accepting that this is it and where you will end life. When he cries, do remember that it is normal and do not allow it to overcome what you know is in both of your bests interests. It will be an adjustment at first for him, that’s a given, but adjust he will. And as he declines further in time, you will be glad he made the move now while he’s in better health. Be strong and know that what you are doing is for the best and that he will have care and watchful eyes as well as activities and perhaps some friends. I wish you peace in this decision.

My heart goes out to you. I could easily be in your position in a few years. My mother refuses help like your father does and this makes it extra difficult for us, does’t it? We both want to respect our parents’ wishes, but at this point, we have to take care of ourselves. I think our parents will always look at us as “young” no matter our age. Please keep
us posted on how hou deal with this. My prayers go out to you for strength to do what you know you have to do as difficult as it is.

No one wants to move to an assisted living facility. 100 is a remarkable age but living to be that old has consequences. I did recently read Atul Gawande's book, Being Mortal after seeing it recommended here. If you have not read it, get it. (I actually listened to it on Audible). What it did, is give me a different way to approach my father in law; since his kids did not seem to be able to do it. My husband is the POA but I am the "family nurse". I started asking questions, not the exact questions in the book but questions that got him thinking and us talking. He is 93, MIL is 92. She has ALZ dementia and he is now losing his exec functioning, and problem solving ability due to early vascular dementia. I asked him what his "plan" was, what would cause him to be willing to move. He did not know. I asked a lot of questions and suddenly he agreed to go back and look at a place and then agreed to move; not sure why but we ran with it. He back pedaled a couple of times but the movers came yesterday; they moved to Independent Living but we can add care as needed which will be soon. My MIL is not so on board but he is dealing with her. We will see later today how their first night went; hoping for no meltdowns.

At 100, it seems unlikely that your father is in full possession of his faculities. He may be, but I would guess he has some slowing cognition. And difficulty with decision making and multiple step processing. He is fearful of any change, probably cannot fathom change and could not begin to think of how that change could be initiated. You have to be the one to initiate the change. Or it will not happen for you. I would suggest you ask him questions about how he sees the next 3 months or 6 months or one year playing out. What is his plan if he needs more help than you are currently providing him? What is he becomes unable to take care of himself? They all do think about it, (as we do). They just don't tell us so you have to ask. You will be able to see if his plans make sense. They will never take into account the impact any of this has on you, so don't wait for that. But you can ask him those questions too. Ask open ended questions so he talks about it.This generation did not care for old people, rarely did any make it to 90+. so they have no history with it. You need to tailor your approach for your problem depending on what you want. And don't ask him "wouldn't you like to go to the nursing home? That answer is no so don't ask any questions that will lead to no, since no is not an option. My husband and I did not want to care for our inlaws in our home; they might have agreed to come but we both agreed this is not what we wanted and they have the money to pay for care. You really have to put your foot down to say, that you cannot take care of him any more as he is needing more and more assistance and you physically cannot do it. He is not going to go willingly but in his heart, he knows he needs to. And he knows that he is causing you anguish and physical pain but he is stuck and does not see an option. My father in law said, after agreeing to move that, "No, we cannot move because we have too much stuff". Not because he wanted to take it all but because he could not put the process together to get themselves and their stuff moved. We had to help with that but without the dialogue I started, I would never have know what was in his thought process.
You need to do this for you; your duty to your father is honorable but realistically, you are doing more than you should and injuring your health. And possibly impacting your own ability to have a happy healthy retirement.
Please keep in touch here as we will be interested in how this works out for you.

This is hard I would go to a social worker see what they say.

When at 89, my wonderful mom fell at home and broke her hip, I left my job to care for her. After about 9 months in my home, her risk of falling had dramatically increased, and between dementia and a language disorder caused by a previous stroke, (as well as her Innate stubbornness) we came to make the difficult decision to place her in the very good NH.
We had attempted round the clock 7 day per week in home care, but it was also unsuccessful.
Given her age and her status as a survivor of a severe stroke, her sisters expected she’d never “last 6 months”, and she lived 5 1/2 very happy years before dying at 95.
Had my mother been asked, I’m certain that she would have cried and resisted going. Because I KNEW she needed professional help that I couldn’t provide at home, she went, and thrived.
I am presently caring for her last “baby” sibling, who is 90, and also has dementia, and at a relatively advanced age, I myself have three grandchildren, ages 2 or younger.
I am able to maintain a balance because of our very good Assisted Living, and at least at present, everybody is happy. Including Grandma.

Can you hire someone to sit with him for an evening regularly so you can go out? This would be a great part time job for a college or nursing student because he goes to bed early and they'd have all evening to study. You could also put the word out at the vets' home for someone who'd like to earn some extra money sitting with your dad. Meanwhile you could begin calling around to find longer term help so you can travel.

You have to find a way to get these breaks so that you don't die before your dad does--then what would he do? He'd end up at the vets' home and would have no one at all anywhere. Explain this to him so that he supports your breaks.

Once you find a way to get time away you can see how you feel and go from there.
I can see how trapped you are and I can see why your dad doesn't want to move. Your situation sounds very tough. I wish you and your dad the best.

Funny answer...
Leave him there and you go to Assisted Living.....

For real..
You just have to tell him you can't do this anymore. End of explanation. Make whatever arrangements need to be made and follow through.
And him moving to the Veterans Home will not "kill him" he is doing the same thing you probably did when you were 3 or 4 when you could not get the toy you wanted or when you were 16 and he said you could not stay out later than usual. Called a temper tantrum.
I am sure after he adjusts he will be just fine but probably would not admit it.

I very much like Rbonuc's idea of consulting a social worker about this. It may be that an objective, professional recommendation might wake your father up - to reassure him about the quality of the facility you've researched and make him think about it more positively, but also to impress on him that the demands his care makes on you are too much. It can be hard to put forward your own needs without feeling guilty and selfish; but these are *needs*, not selfish whims. Let somebody detached speak for you.

Meanwhile, I would encourage you to bring more help into the home. If you would like to take a long weekend, say, to go and visit your family, there shouldn't be anything stopping you if you can call on a trusted, competent person to take care of your father. And for this, your father's consent (although of course you'll want to know he's okay with it) is less of an issue, because you are hiring the help for *you* at least as much as for him. You are organising cover for your own job, rather than requiring your father to do anything out of his routine.

My mother's life was taking care of her father with dementia until his doctor (older than her dad) ordered her to put him in a nursing home. We all hated what happened to him - in 1950 the treatment was drugs to keep him quiet and in bed for his remaining months. But my mother got well, became social again, and had a life.
Your father may have some mental images of how bad so many nursing homes were - and, alas, some still are (without even meds to block out the reality).
One suggestion: you may need some respite. And perhaps your doctor or his could help with this. A rest for YOU - say, two weeks (or even one) - might be good for you both.
Maybe he would see the advantage! Or not ... but another (longer) rest a month or two later might sell him on the conveniences. And the activities. And perhaps a friend or two to remember the good old days.

So much good advice. I retired in Oct 2015 as Dad was declining slightly mentally and lost his license. I am an only child as Dad is. I had all paperwork in order except for the MOLST. I had Dad stay with me for 2 months and consulted an elder law attorney who drew up a contract that where Dad legally paid for his stay. He was receiving VA aid and attendance benefit. During a stay in rehab prior to him coming to my home I asked a worker if she knew anyone who could assist with meals. Dad was wanting to go home. Thank goodness she agreed to help and I was over part of 2 days a week. She visited twice a day on most days and Dad received 9 hours of free time through the VA contracted home care agency. They have 2 or 3 hour minimums. With me constantly inquiring of people if they knew anyone, I found a 2nd lady who lives in his neighborhood who was also great. It's a recruiting process where you have to make phone calls, ask friends if they know anyone. There is also a website care.com.

I had to approach this carefully and I explained to Dad they were helpers. I would show up when they were there at first and then they were on their own. He didn't realize I was paying them and that was fine. The original helper for over a year just quit and thank goodness his neighbor has stepped in for a few dinners a week and the 2nd helper recruited another lady. It's a network approach you have to take. Providing your Dad a comfort zone with someone. I am grateful for the help. I also installed a camera that works off the internet (WANSVIEW) had wifi installed at Dad's and I can see him in living area through my phone no matter where I am. This helps me hear and see helpers too.

I have asked Dad about going to the VA home in Charlotte Hall, MD. He says he wants to stay home. Dad is 91 with dementia but he knows who I am and others but still declining a bit. I know that if I put him there it will be an immediate decline plus the guilt I will feel so my mind focuses on keeping him home unless something major happens and even then I will access the situation along with health professionals and possibly it would be time for Hospice.

You do have to give yourself your time and locate someone who he is comfortable with. I called nursing homes, assisted living and attended dementia seminars, etc and always asked for people who could help and I did interview several private ladies. Does he have any male friends who could lend a hand or just visit? I also introduced the helpers as my friends and said they wanted to help US. I told the helpers is was a WWII Navy Vet and retired from NASA, played golf and still throws a bowling ball so they would jump in and start talking about these subjects which created a connection.

Is your Dad receiving the aid and attendance benefit? That $ actually can go to you, the main caregiver as well as other helpers. Paperwork is no picnic but well worth it and a local VA facility can provide some help as well as the VA website.
I've learned so much and am here to provide any guidance.

I agree with Evermore2 that your dad's mental image of the VA may be more frightening than the place itself. If your finances permit, there are some really nice homelike placements for the elderly. If he can still do most of his own ADLs (activities of daily living) then he probably doesn't need a skilled nursing home placement. He might qualify for an assisted living facility and you both might find that an easier solution. The ALF in which my uncle was placed provided socialization, good nutrition and opportunities for exercise in addition to having someone available 24 hours a day if he fell. He was disabled due to strokes.

If your health suffers he will need a placement. You may as well investigate acceptable options now. It will be less traumatic for him if you and he do the choosing.

Good Question! My mom is only 87 but says the same thing and gets angry and nasty at any suggestion of a nursing home. My hubby & I ate retired and feeling resentment too, we have no life together. So I too would like to know an answer to this. Just know you aren’t alone in this not that it helps

Another thought, take your dad to “visit” other veterans at the nursing home. Then he may get used to seeing it and make friends so it may make it easier to get him to stay there

You have to realize that your LOs remember NHs from their youth. They weren't the nicest places. Probably not regulated like today. Do your LOs have friends in one? Maybe a visit would be nice and they can see that they are so much better.

Would it be possible for both of you to go into Assisted Living arrangements?

Go to that nursing home & see admissions...tell them you need to take care of yourself since you’re suffering burnout.(or say you have to get away) or make something up... you are being held hostage by your father...who has turned into a very selfish me first person. Does he think you’re a youngster? He probably thinks you’re 25 years old. PLEASE do it!!! & read story on this site about caregiver son who died before 97 yo father
🤗 hugs to you

After all interventions a read before writing……
Oh my and your God…! something did not happened wen it should have.
For sure, according to my experience, it is not easy for you to decide….
If you force him, I cannot predict his reactions, everything is possible from the best solution to the worst one. The decision of joining a N-Home should always be made by the person himself when he or she is still lucid and in the earliest possible stage of the dementia. Visiting several N-H and decide for them self where they would feel the best. AND WRITE IT DOWN. But I cannot guarantee that they would stay with their decision, but it is most likely they will, provided the text is clear and unequivocal.
So think of yourself now, because you might face the same situation and decide for yourself with the assistance of a close family member so that you will not be a burden when you are very old. Leave no opening to escape because the presence of a third person who can draw your attention on the fact. This simplifies mostly the take of the good decision.
Now my tip for you: Write a letter addressed to the person(s) that will care for you later-on. State how you would like to be treated if ever dementia takes his toll with you. Be logical and reasonable with your wishes, a N-H will never be your home how good it might be.
A N-H is a community with rules were all wishes cannot always be met.
Store this letter in a place easy to remember and find, and read it regularly and adjust it if you feel like, so that when the time comes that you will need help, you will feel exactly what you will have to do and certainly give a copy of the letter to the N-H or the person that will take care of you. This happens seldom, but when it happens the best possible decision is always be lot easier to take if the person is not 100 % dement and can still decide a lot for her own good. Do not as may do, postpone your decision up to the moment it will be impossible four you to decide and be a burden for your surrounding. Do not forget that it is always better joining a N-H. when you can adjust your self more easily. I have no experience at what age this must happen as people live longer now. My humble experience is that it is always better to take that type of decision before you are 80 as this age is also a difficult cross road for many were health problems raise easier.
I wish you good luck and many happy days to come for you and your father.
Yves
Trainer in basic and simple gerontology

Maybe try respite care in an assisted living facility while you take a short vacation of a week. Let him know it's temporary but that you need some rest yourself. He will see that what he fears is not what it is actually like (he's remembering the nursing homes of yesteryear and how bad they were). You'll get some rest and then get a foot in the door with him to move permanently.

I so agree with JoAnn29. Stop using the term nursing home unless he requires 24/7 medical support! If that were the case, you probably could not be caring for him now. Take him to look at the veteran facility but also others if money allows. Our seniors need to be around others their age for social interactions and companionship.
Change is hard, so if you can do a month respite trial, that would be a good start. However, if he thinks it is only short term, he might not engage, so you need to be sure the facility will ensure he makes friends.
He may also be afraid you will abandon him, so be sure you tell him you will be there every week to take him to lunch or a movie, or....
Good luck.

I am kind of in the same boat. except it sounds like my mom requires more help. and, she has dementia. but, she is cognitive enough to know she doesn't want to leave my home. I cannot physically or mentally take care of her anymore. I also have my father who has some cognitive deficits, but can manage basic things by himself. But he cannot be left alone for more than a couple hours as well. He realizes mom needs a staff to take care of her, but he does not recognize his own issues. Long story short, the approach I am trying is what others have suggested. I am planning on a 30 day respite care for her at a place that has all levels of care, and long term capabilities. I am hoping, once mom is there, she will respond to being in a place with others and activities daily. And, I am also hoping dad will then see there is a lot for him there too and want to go there with her permanently. I am hoping, within that 30 days, they will realize that an assisted living situation will be better for them as well as for me and our relationship. I will be able to spend quality time with them instead of the daily care and the worn down resentful feelings that are happening now. I hope this helps.

Where are all the recommendations for in-home care?? Geez, people. Give him an ultimatum. Tell him you will be out for an evening and ask if he'd rather be home alone or have some hired help. Then hire someone and say s/he can sit in the living room or clean the kitchen and will just be there in case. You're allowed to have someone clean your own house, right? Just so happens to be there.

I was like you until my cousin said "but it's not fair to you." And it hit me... "you mean I get some consideration in all this?" We have to think past our lifetime of parent-child interaction. Roles have reversed, you're the parent now. Assisted living provides private apartments with people to help when and as needed. My mom has three meals a day in a five-star restaurant dining room and wonderful activities. She misses home and I take her there to visit but she has no complaints, is happy, and participates in activities. She left heel marks in the pavement getting there. Don't ask, just tell your Dad that's where he's going. He'll get over it.

I agree with other posts that nursing home is probably not the right option for your dad at this time. Assisted living is probably more appropriate because it is like living in an apartment complex with some assistance by staff. At 100 and he still has his mind and can do a lot by himself? Hot damn! I’d love to have my husband in your dad’s shoes, and I am in yours! Alternatively, look into homecare. There are A LOT of agencies out there and one may even take your dad’s insurance.

Nursing homes are usually for those who need a lot of assistance or those who are 100% dependent on others to eat, dress, and clean.

Also, if you are going assisted living route, hire a geriatric care manager to help you. They are not cheap, but oh so worth it!

A nursing home may not be what he needs, it may be more suitable for him to be in Assistant Living facility. This way he has some autonomy and care 24/7. You have to do what is good for you as well as for him. It isn't selfish it is self care and love.

Hugs, Lspratt.

It is never an easy situation. Wow, 100 years old, that is an achievement. I'm sorry to hear that this situation is wearing you down. My father is 83 and shouldn't be alone but refuses to go into a nursing home. I don't know why people think these places are so bad. I've volunteered in some and see that they can be nice places to live. I have had the conversation a million times with my father. He needs the social atmosphere and physical help. Where he is now he is alone and that is not good for him. He wants me to be around him but I have kids still. My in-laws went to a place and they love where they are. I don't get it either.