My father passed away last October of 2023. He was diagnosed with MDS last May of 2023. I more or less moved in with my parents at that time. I have also been married for almost 39 years. My husband was a trooper and still is. I cared for my mother and father both during this time. On August 7, 2023, I had to make the choice to call Hospice for my dad because the choking and pain was too much. He became bedridden but my sister and I cared for him for 6 weeks until he passed. After my dad’s passing, my sister abandoned me. Now I care for my mother who has chosen to go on Hospice because of COPD and she’s on oxygen 24/7, she has stage four osteoporosis. She has made the accusation that am mentally abusing her. She is a very moody manipulative person and has everyone believing she is an angel. I have been here in my parents house for almost a year. I have illnesses such as my hair is falling out, I have severe eczema in my head, I have lumbar sacral disc disease, and other illnesses. I have no help at all. I asked her if she would be willing to go to respite care for a week and her response was, “I will kill myself if I leave my home.” My body and mind are in terrible shape because I haven’t had a break what so ever for a year. I am totally burn out. I can’t just leave her. I do love her and care for her, but she has said I don’t love her. Please any advice would be helpful.
totally burnout
Also, you don't need to ask for permission to live your own life. You are not a child asking a parent for permission to go outside.
From what you've written, you are ready to give this up. I think a lot of our thinking gets caught up in the past of how things were before the passing of one parent and the other parent is sick and not willing to give up their family home. However, you cannot set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. You should be concerned at this point about your family, marriage, your home and your future finances. Our bodies are not equipped for this type of ongoing stress. It sounds like you have your own health needs to look after. You don't want to shorten your own lifespan taking care of someone else.
Telling you she is going to kill herself if you leave to take a break is emotional blackmail and keeping you chained to this situation. I would find her respite and just go even if you must have another relative transport her to the respite care center.
I think people who allow themselves to be manipulated by elderly parents need to step back and figure out what keeps them tied to these situations. More than likely, we are groomed from a young age to do this.
My fathers decline came like over night with his knee going. Hes much better now - vitamins do help and healthy eating btw - hes back to full mental awareness etc - anyway - when he went into decline he decided that he didnt need to wash or change anymore!! - I walked into the house to smell urine. It was awful. When i spoke to him about it - he was in denial and actually accused myself and sister of bullying him. My sister is a no nonsense very respectful personality and she just ignored him and treated him respectfully and he stopped it. Terrible unreasonable behaviour. Elderly get notorious for behaving badly. I didnt manage it too well and had a break from my dad as in the beginning it was just making me ill. My sister was just firm. Told him firmly she was not abusing him and he had to wash and she was setting some water now. She also was very firm about him getting off the chair - he resorted to not moving from the chair unless he wanted to go to the loo - refused to walk and his bones were seizing up and it came to point every time he wanted to get up someone had to stop what they were doing to help him! - and it was often. My sister was very firm in telling him to get up and walk up and down the room a couple of times. Hes now walking without a stick showing off saying look at me - no stick even tho we say just take it along anyway. he can go up and down the stairs by himself again now. It was all about being very firm - but respectful and monitoring the health eg - if for example you see the person panting and out of breath - make the exercise shorter and then reward them with a nice cup of tea afterwards and a congratulations. Now my dad is happy and because hes mobile again changing and keeping clean is in his daily routine. Its all down to firmness - if you are unable to (i wasnt able to) then get someone who can - doctor - health person? My friends mother went into a home - it was a bad transition and accusations about abandoning her etc - now shes in there - shes taken the role of leader with the other pensioners and they follow her around like soldiers..shes in her element and has care 24/7 and company.
Tell your mother that you have scheduled five days off for doctors, so booked a place that can monitor her.
she might even like it there after a couple of weeks.
good luck!
It's past time for you to return home to your husband and family. That's not being selfish. Your first allegiance is to your self and your husband and children. You can still love your mom without sacrificing yourself and your health to her.
After all you've done - for her to make the accusation that you are mentally abusing her, well, that would be the last straw for me. I would step way back.
Put her in respite care no questions asked "because the doctor says so", and get some perspective on your situation and decide if it should be temporary or permanent. (I would vote for permanent.)
I don't think that you're being selfish - that would be a deliberate action - but you just haven't looked at the situation from this angle before.
Now that you have, I hope that it gives you the strength to put you and your husband first.
It's a difficult thing to do when you're not used to making yourself a priority, but realising the sacrifice your husband is making might help you to see that you shouldn't sacrifice yourself either.
I'm wishing you strength to make the decision that's right for you, and for you to not be burdened by misplaced guilt when you follow through.
That's a cheap, mean way to manipulate people into getting what you want. I was raised on the constant fear that my mother was going to kill herself and somehow we kids would be held to blame.
She never even attempted any such thing.
Stand up to mom. Take your break and think a lot about the situation you are in.
It really is probably PAST time to place mom.
My mom could also be a sweetie--but she needed to be the center of attention. When i developed cancer, and I went to tell her, she made it about HER.."Oh, poor me! My baby has cancer!" And she didn't speak to me for a year.
PLease take care of yourself. I personally have a really hard time putting myself first, so I know of which I speak!
I see so many people simply destroy their lives for perceived needs of others. You can be a hands off CG and still care for her, but also have a life of your own.
If it's because of financial difficulty and you have no choice, then I sympathise.
Otherwise, don't do it!
Your mother is manipulative and an emotional blackmailer. Do you think that she will be any easier to deal with in your own home? That will just leave you with no safe haven to return to.
Don't ruin your own health and peace of mind.
If your mother kills herself, then she kills herself. That is her choice and nothing to do with you. Emotional blackmail is a horrendous thing to do to anybody, especially a child who has given up their life to take care of you.
Stop caring for your mother now!
Even though it may well be her poor health and cognitive decline talking, if you taking care of her isn't making your mum happy, then what is the point in you making yourself ill and harming your relationship with your husband? I know he's been a "trooper", but you're not together.
In fact, you should not be sacrificing your life to take care of your mother - full stop. That isn't what us parents want for our children; we want them to grow up and live their own lives, as happily as possible.
Be firm. Tell your mother that you love her but that it's time for you to live your own life, with your husband.
Make arrangements for your mum's care and leave.
I doubt that your mum would really take her own life, but if she does , then it's on her. Not you. You're not responsible for her decisions, nor her happiness.
Thank you for your blunt honesty!
You get her to understand that you need a break, by taking a break. Not by toeing the line. Waiting for permission is a waste of time.
I hope things work out for you!
Number one is for you to take care of yourself because you have a family and that is more important than taking care of her. Stop enabling her.
Please take care of yourself. Yes our parents took care of us but in the end losing your health or life isn't worth taking care of her. There are places for her to go. We all love our parents but there is a time where we have to take care of ourselves first.
Prayers