My mom says she can still clean her own house and is very proud of that fact at the age of 93. I am concerned because her opinion of clean is different than most. Her house needs a deep cleaning and not sure how to get that done without insulting her and hurting my relationship with her. Would like to hear what others have done.
Perhaps take her out for an afternoon lunch and outing?
At. times, due to cognitive changes - we need to manage 'more' by over-riding our parent(s) even though we may not want to. It is for their benefit.
There is 'no' insulting her. This is your fear talking. It will feel awkward and not comfortable now as you are not used to doing this and/or perhaps asserting yourself as needed (in this situation). This is new behavior for you.
Accept that she is changing and that means you also need to change too.
She will get 'over' being upset or mad if you get her home cleaned, as needed.
She needs more care now even if she doesn't realize it. You need to do what you need to do.
Understandably, you want to respect her / wishes and honor your mom.
At her age, the last thing she should be doing is 'cleaning her own home.'
For the fall / injury potential, you needed to step in yesterday. She shouldn't be allowed to do any 'cleaning.'
Get weekly or bi-weekly cleaner in there to keep things up.
Get someone to do the deep cleaning.
Deal with her resentment (fears of loss of independence). Don't argue with her. Listen to her and then agree by responding in a neutral way, i.e.,
"I know you feel xxx" and
"I understand you feel xxx".
If it might work / help, you could ask her:
"Do you want to potentially break a hip and be in rehab for 2-3 months? Or possibly need to move from your home? Or need 24/7 care?
Likely these threats (reality though) won't work - you need to feel out the situation.
From what I gather, you need to learn how to feel secure within yourself in making decisions that are in her best interest, regardless of how she feels about it. You can do this and express compassion / be compassionate towards her at the same time. As you need / wish, tell her "this is hard for me too mom." Showing some vulnerability may help ease the situation / decision making. Although 'do' keep in mind that she is frightened of change and losing independence. She isn't / won't REALLY be mad at YOU. She is frustrated that she cannot do what she wants to do.
Do have all your / her legal documents in order.
Gena / Touch Matters
When my husband started needing help with practically everything because of dementia, all three of the kids jumped into action to help both of us. One daughter offered to call someone she knew who did house cleaning and practically begged me to let her pay for the help as long as I needed it. What a wonderful gift then--and now. The other daughter lives closer and comes regularly to help me organize, arrange, re-arrange, make necessary or trivial decisions, etc. My son lives closest and checks in regularly to do whatever I heed done. They approached the "problem" according to their unique personalities and were honest but pretty insistent that I let them help.
I think I feel sometimes that having anyone else do the basics of taking care of the house means losing control. I finally realized that removing dust and dirt is necessary; but I don't necessarily have to be the one doing it everywhere, all the time. And it leaves me time to contemplate moving furniture for the next time one of the kids shows up!
All of the above is just to say that you should be kind and honest (no criticizing) in addressing the problem, then offer a first-step solution that you will arrange for to save your mother from having to do it. Maybe the deep clean should progress over a longer period of time than is usual so that your mother isn't overwhelmed by the seeming chaos and implied criticism of her housekeeping skills.
How is how she keeps her house today, different than you remember while you were growing up?
If it isn't significantly different, then let it go. Your standards of cleanliness are different than hers.
However, if it is significantly different, my Mom would bring in a housekeeper twice a month to do a more complete job than she was able to do. This translated into the housekeeper helping my Mom change her sheets (the mattress just got too heavy for my Mom), wax the floors, oil the furniture, clean the fridge, etc. My sister came to stay with my Mom temporarily and all my Mom did was complain about how messy my sister was. My sister agreed to pay for the housekeeper to come every wee (my sister paid for 2 weeks and my Mom paid for 2 weeks out of a month). When my sister left, my Mom went back to housekeeper being every other week, however, my Mom then noticed that her home was not clean enough and paid for the housekeeper to come more often.
So, translating this into what might be possible for you...
1) get a gift for your Mom to do that oiling, waxing and heavy lifting once a month. If you can't afford it, then enlist the aid of your other siblings. If none of you can afford it, then don't expect your mother to afford it either.
2) get someone to stay with your Mom for an extended period of time and offer to get a housekeeper to assist your Mom with keeping the house clean while she has the extra guest(s). Then give her a gift to keep that housekeeper for a once a month cleaning.
Having a housekeeper is not without pitfalls. One has to try and pick up the house first, so that the housekeeper can clean. If you don't and you have stuff where you want the housekeeper to clean, expect the housekeeper to take extra time and things will not necessarily be where you think they should be. In addition, it is possible that you would want to be home while the house keeper is there. My Mom never did trust the housekeeper to be in her house without her being there, despite over 20 years of service.
Basically what I'm saying is....having a housekeeper is sometimes more disruptive than not having one and a slightly dustier house.
The one without dementia was very stubborn about it so we had a discussion that went something like this:
"It's not a crime or a sin to need more help doing stuff. If I could wave a magic wand and have my tiled shower stalls cleaned by someone, I'd probably kiss the feet of that genie. If you could unload 1 or 2 tasks, what would they be?"
She did eventually confess to struggling with certain things. I told her I'd make all the prep to get it done for her and the minute she had enough of doing it herself, she just had to tell me and I'd pull the trigger and put it in motion for her. She called me about 4 months later and asked for more help.
I have nothing against honesty but sometimes what works is schmooze and some patience. Otherwise a senior can feel like someone is coming at them like a wave and they already have trouble with change.
Perhaps be clearer about what you see as the problems. Is there mouldy food that isn’t being thrown out? Do the rooms smell? Is there pet poop on the floor? Is she a hoarder? Are there piles and piles of books and papers and washing that ought to be put away?
Is it just that her standards dropping a bit? Or what is badly wrong?
If the house is unsanitary, buy her a cleaning service gift certificate as a gift and tell her it MUST be used or you'll lose all your $$$.
Then, delegated it on..
"Guess what I found out? The Council has a low cost cleaning service. They have a person to come on Xday to help with those bigger tasks. Now that would be *smart, *economical, *useful."(insert whatever term you prefer)
Those with common sense will appreciate & respect it.
One of my relations spoke up about 'a few small leaks' & we discussed continence pant styles. She was pleased to know solutions & products were so readily available.
However, another relative was a 'care refuser'. No don't need any help to clean or shower. No amount of discussing the visibly dirty home or stale body odour worked. Had to arrange cleaner & personal care by stealth.
Why not be honest with her? Tell her that you are thrilled that she is doing so well but that at 93 years old she doesn’t have to work so hard anymore.
Tell her that she has earned the right to hire a housekeeper to clean. That is a polite way of saying that her housekeeping isn’t up to par.
Say that you don’t like seeing her work so hard and that you are afraid of her falling and breaking bones.
Does she have a birthday coming up soon? You could give her a gift certificate for a cleaning service. Maybe she would appreciate it and would see that it’s nice to have someone else clean her house. Does she have a large home?
Good luck!
I was going to suggest contacting social services for her county to see if she qualifies to some in-home help. They can provide food prep and help with hygiene and light housework but you mentioned "deep clean" and they won't do this.
Just how dirty is her house? If she always had an antiseptic house (like my Mom the RN) then consider having different expectations now, as long as it isn't unhealthy or unsafe.
If you think that she will resist a cleaning service to come in to do a deep clean, you may exhaust yourself fighting this battle. Is her home down-sized so that her main living happens in just a few rooms? I'd start with "organizing and downsizing" with her to get things under control. If she agrees to it.