My mom is 91 & I moved in with her to help her after she got out of rehab. She seems physically fine now other than a bad back which she’s had. She loves having me as her servant & I really resent it. For example, once we were both standing near the trash can and she handed me her trash instead of throwing it away. She whines & moans when I make her do things. I think it’s manipulative but if I tell her she needs to be independent, she starts crying & says: I want to be! Don’t you think I’m trying? She puts the guilt on me… nothing new for her & I feel bad, after all, she is 91 & maybe she is doing the best she can. I don’t know. Please help because I’m constantly annoyed by her. Am I being uncaring or is she taking advantage? Help!!!! All advice appreciated.
Your Mom could also be frustrated that she can no longer do the things she use to do with ease a decade ago. It's tough getting older. Then throw in mobility issues, and it can be painful to do the simplest things. Just turning a certain way can trigger some muscle pain or twinge. We no longer have the ability to lift things like we did in the past. Our eyesight is no longer user friendly. Heavens, I could read the fine print on a medicine bottle 5 years ago, but not today, forgetaboutit. I now need a magnifying glass to read the newspaper as readers make me seasick. How I hate that !!
So let's step into our elder's shoes for a few minutes to view the world from their side.
Otherwise, "I'm constantly annoyed by her" is not going to help you, your mom or this situation. If that is the case, talk to a therapist, friends, family, get a handle on this. No one is perfect, we all have very challenging caregiving issues to deal with, but maybe it has come to a point of moving out, get live in help for her, you will feel better about a lot of issues you're understandably wrestling with.
Don't indulge her. Walk out with the whining. As far as the crocodile tears, yeah, no. The more she does do by herself, actually, the better off she is. As are you.
I just had surgery about ten days ago, and while my husband was fairly sympathetic while I was in the hospital, he was completely DONE once I came home. Never mind the doctor said it'd be two weeks before I could return to my regular activities -- he thinks I look fine, so I must be. It isn't helpful, but of course, he's never had surgery and has no idea what the recovery time is like.
Just because you aren't 91 doesn't mean you can't try to be more understanding. Find a way to vent your frustrations away from Mom, and try to be more empathetic. She's not a child working toward indepedence -- she's exactly the opposite and is becoming more dependent, and that's the natural progression of things.
I know a man who owns a law firm and has an interest in a bank. At 90, he still goes into both daily. His wife says he works 10 hrs a day. If u saw this man u would not believe he is 90. A man in our Church is 102. Still out taking his walks and living in his own home. He has always been active.