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Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
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They were given the choice to stay in their apt with caregivers in the morning & evening to make meals & do med management, laundry & clean. They refused saying they are independent (NOT). Yet they keep asking me for help.
You can get them to move by quitting helping them. As long as they have you to be at their beck and call they have no reason to move. So stop and let them both find out exactly just how "independent" they are. Without you enabling them they will be begging to go into the assisted living facility. And if mom won't go, just tell your dad to go on without her. I'm guessing she will follow shortly after.
You need to show them that they are not truly independent. Do less. I think they already have a lot of good support. Someone is there every day to check on them. Of course they need help with paperwork, appointments etc and that will carry on even if they go into assisted living. In fact it will probably increase.
Don't enable their poor choices by participating in care. Provide them with phone numbers of Visiting Angels or some like group. Unless they are diagnosed as incompetent there is little you can do about the poor decisions of someone else. Just be certain you don't make it easy for them to MAKE poor decisions.
"I am/we are living alone independantly". That is often what a LO says.
This is their stubborn heels-dug-in stance. eg They many KNOW they need help but want to fight it.
Or maybe they are in denial about aging or an illness?
Or maybe 'being indpendant' is what they really believe.. eg they lack insight (very common with brain conditions eg stroke, dementia, MCI. ABI & mental illness too).
A Social Worker told me a Psychologist or Social Worker can help transistion a person's thinking closer towards the realty of their situation. (IF the person is open to seeing one of course!)
SW went on to explain that when others (often close family) do many of their ADLs the person views this as still done by 'themselves'. They don't differentiate.
I've seen this up close whenever my LO had a needs asseasment. Do you do your own shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry? Yes. Arrange own medications? Yes. Bills? I have some help.
The reality was groceries & medications were bought, paid & delivered by family. All cleaning & laundry by family or home help. Cooking was in fact snacks & frozen meal reheats. Finacial matters were managed by family & a trustee but daily spending allowance was handled independantly. The perception & reality differed.
So the Social Worker re-phrased: "You are living alone, dependantly. Very dependant on family help & home support services". Oomph!!
That was like eye-opener #1.
The Doctor had eye-opener # 2 + alot of good advice. 1. Was this working? Was this sustainable? Was it becoming too burdonsome on family?
2. Step back. Stop helping so much. Give OTHER choices. Let them choose.
A Councellor had eye-opener #3. Have a REAL chat with LO. This may take SIX times for this to even start to sink in for them. Then as actions speak lounder than words, take action. Withdraw your help.
No more 'on call': "That will have to wait for my next visit".
No more taking on tasks because they refuse to hire. Eg mow lawns or clean windows. Hire or go without. Hire a housecleaner or go without. Arrange groceries to be delivered. Accept or go without.
Harsh? Yes. Dr told me (in my situation) not to even buy milk. Called it *natural consequences* method.
Mandala, in your case I think I would make a list. A list of all the tasks. Add whether your folks can do the task alone, with some help or need doing for them. Show them & discuss it.
Your approach can be one of *concern* rather than You Must Have Help.
The message can be It IS OK to accept help. This is aging, like it or not. That *accepting help* is their challenge now.
It takes a village. Either village workers come to your home (home help), or you move into a village-like setting (AL).
What kind of help are you giving them now? Since they refused paid caregivers, did you step in? If so, how much time and what kind of help do you provide?
Do you have POA/HCPOA? What is their financial situation? Are you an only child?
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
So stop and let them both find out exactly just how "independent" they are. Without you enabling them they will be begging to go into the assisted living facility. And if mom won't go, just tell your dad to go on without her. I'm guessing she will follow shortly after.
That is often what a LO says.
This is their stubborn heels-dug-in stance. eg They many KNOW they need help but want to fight it.
Or maybe they are in denial about aging or an illness?
Or maybe 'being indpendant' is what they really believe.. eg they lack insight (very common with brain conditions eg stroke, dementia, MCI. ABI & mental illness too).
A Social Worker told me a Psychologist or Social Worker can help transistion a person's thinking closer towards the realty of their situation. (IF the person is open to seeing one of course!)
SW went on to explain that when others (often close family) do many of their ADLs the person views this as still done by 'themselves'. They don't differentiate.
I've seen this up close whenever my LO had a needs asseasment. Do you do your own shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry? Yes.
Arrange own medications? Yes.
Bills? I have some help.
The reality was groceries & medications were bought, paid & delivered by family. All cleaning & laundry by family or home help. Cooking was in fact snacks & frozen meal reheats. Finacial matters were managed by family & a trustee but daily spending allowance was handled independantly.
The perception & reality differed.
So the Social Worker re-phrased:
"You are living alone, dependantly. Very dependant on family help & home support services".
Oomph!!
That was like eye-opener #1.
The Doctor had eye-opener # 2 + alot of good advice.
1. Was this working? Was this sustainable? Was it becoming too burdonsome on family?
2. Step back. Stop helping so much. Give OTHER choices. Let them choose.
A Councellor had eye-opener #3.
Have a REAL chat with LO.
This may take SIX times for this to even start to sink in for them. Then as actions speak lounder than words, take action. Withdraw your help.
No more 'on call': "That will have to wait for my next visit".
No more taking on tasks because they refuse to hire. Eg mow lawns or clean windows. Hire or go without. Hire a housecleaner or go without. Arrange groceries to be delivered. Accept or go without.
Harsh? Yes.
Dr told me (in my situation) not to even buy milk.
Called it *natural consequences* method.
Your approach can be one of *concern* rather than You Must Have Help.
The message can be It IS OK to accept help. This is aging, like it or not. That *accepting help* is their challenge now.
It takes a village.
Either village workers come to your home (home help), or you move into a village-like setting (AL).
What kind of help are you giving them now? Since they refused paid caregivers, did you step in? If so, how much time and what kind of help do you provide?
Do you have POA/HCPOA? What is their financial situation? Are you an only child?