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My mom is 87, in a wheelchair and still wants to stay in her home and live alone. She will not come and live with me or go to an assisted living. I’m afraid she will fall. She has a medical alert but will not wear it. She’s blind in one eye and can’t see well out of the other. Social Services have been out and said as long as she understands the danger, there’s nothing they can do to make her leave. Can I get a POA without her consent? I’ve considered Home Health. She doesn’t want anyone in her house because she has cats and the urine/feces is a mess. Right now my sis and I are taking turns cleaning that mess every day.I need some advice. It’s so unsanitary.

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What will speed up a solution for her is if you and your sis stop orbiting around her and giving the appearance that she's living "independently" in her home. One of 2 things will happen: if she truly has suffient cognition (reason, logic and judgment still intact) and you inform her that you and sis won't sustain the care, she would then see she needs to change and consider moving to AL -- long as you and sis stand your ground and stop helping. This is also when you request she assign someone as her PoA. Please tell her if she doesn't do this she WILL eventually become the ward of a 3rd party court-appointed legal guardian and you and sis will have no control.

Or, she stubbornly doesn't ask for a change in help and stews in her mess all day. I think this is a clear sign of cognitive impairment. This is when you bring APS back in and work with social services to get her placed.

There really isn't any other options. You can take her in, but should you? Many on this site will point out that she's not even "as bad as it can get" in terms of behaviors and needs. Please resist thinking you can rescue her by moving her into your home. Especially if she doesn't (or can no longer) assign someone as PoA. This is definitely a dealbreaker for in-home care. The caregiving arrangement cannot be onerous to the caregiver -- it is 100% unsustainable. Others who have been there and done that will confirm this.

I'm sorry your family is in this situation. May you receive clarity, courage, strength, wisdom and peace in your heart as you help find a solution.
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dwcamp Aug 3, 2024
Your answer was very helpful to me. It makes such a difference just to know somebody understands what I’m going through. Thank you so much!
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No you can not get POA without her consent .
If Mom was deemed incompetent you could seek guardianship . However many elders refuse to go for cognitive testing . You could call APS , sometimes it takes more than one visit , you could also try Mom’s County Area of Aging to see if they would recommend and assist with placement .

If Mom ends up in the hospital , you could speak to the doctor and see if they would say she could not live alone anymore. Do not take Mom home , once you take her home and make your residence Mom’s legal residence it can be very difficult to have her placed in a facility.

I would go look at facilities and have a few in mind , in case at some point the hospital says she can not live alone. If that happens the hospital social worker could help with placement. Do not have Mom live with you especially if you do not have POA or guardianship . You tell the hospital there is no one to take care of Mom so they will assist with placement . Do not take Mom home even if they promise to send help , because it won’t be enough . You say it’s an “ unsafe discharge “.

If Mom is so resistive to your suggestions and you do not have POA or guardianship then it may be best to let her become a ward of the state to get her placed at some point .
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Julzb50 Aug 9, 2024
you are correct a hospital visit will get her placed in either nursing home or assisted living and they can look up her insurance. as far as POA you need to find her will. if she has no will no poa the state will take over her care. i hate to say this but sometimes it’s better to just have the facilities and other people take care of a person in a combative state. the stress is enormous. i was assigned POA but I don’t want it. my dad fights me too much and I can’t handle it. so I am requesting a guardian of the state.
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dwcamp, welcome to the forum. When you get a chance please fill out your Profile page, which will give us a better understanding of your situation.


Even if you could get your Mom to sign a Power of Attorney, that doesn't mean you can force her to move. If she is clear minded, it is still her choice on where to live. I had POA for my parents, my Mom refused to have a caregiver or move. Dad wanted to move, but Mom won that discussion.


So, like many of us here on the forum, I had to wait for a medical emergency. Mom had one fall too many, 911 was called, she was hospitalized, then sent to rehab where she lived, then onto a nursing home. Mom now needed a village to help her.


As for the cats, each cat needs their own litter box. If she has 3 cats, three boxes are needed. Otherwise, the cat will think outside of box.
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dwcamp Aug 3, 2024
Yes …waiting on that call is so hard! It gives me such fear and anxiety. I have to do a lot of praying just to keep my sanity.
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Time to call APS. They will assess the home for safety. They may also assist you in getting a good neuro-psyc consult. You say that social services has already "been out".
If the truth is that your mom is currently considered not a danger to herself and considered competent, there is nothing you can do.

You do not "get" POA "over" someone. A person must be competent and WISH TO GIVE YOU POA. And if they are competent you cannot do anything with a POA they do not wish you to do.

In the case that you are unable to act for your mother and the authorities that exist will not assist or intervene you are left exactly where you are. She has lived a long life. Whether she dies in her home or in a nursing home, at this point it matters little EXCEPT TO HER. If this is her choice and she is rational to make it you will have to accept it and provide best you can/as you wish to for her.
Sorry, but that's the fact, and not a lot to be done about it.
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I want through this with my mom. I had to hire an attorney and file for guardianship. My mom was already past the point of being able to consent to a POA She had already been reported to elder services and they told me if I didn’t file for guardianship, I could be charged with intentional neglect of a vulnerable adult. I will tell you, for me it was a 6 month battle and it cost me over $20k of my money. I was not treated well by the lawyer that was appointed for my mom. Since my mom was combative , paranoid and accusatory it took a lot of effort to show I have been caring and paying for all her needs for 8 years. I had to do it and I eventually got her a spot in a memory care facility. I love my mom dearly, but it’s a lot of responsibility. Make sure you are ready to legally take it on. IF however your mom is agreeable, it would be a lot easier.
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I think the hardest part , for me anyways about caregiving is the lack of control.

We more than likely know it would be better to get new hearing aids , for example. Better hearing aids would improve there health and brain function but it's more important to go shopping and by more and more junk.

I can go on and on, with an endless list of things I wish my mother would do or would of done.

But the fact is we can't change them, and the fact is I can't change myself to be a person that can fold a towel the exact way she wants me to fold the darn, stupid towel, with out feeling a bit cray cray.

Many of us here are waiting for the enable horrible phone call, or to call and have no one answer.

The only thing I can do is limit my time, set boundaries. My mom has a degenerative spine. I just recently told mom and POA brother, that I will do what I can to help her get back on her feet, take her to physical therapy and all that. But under no circumstances will I be there next time. The GP said they have done all they could and she has to go to ER next time. I told her the same exact thing.

I took my control back. I feel good about it. It's the right thing to do for her also. All I am doing is enabling her and my family to keep mom home. Not doing it anymore!

I would talk to your sister, make a plan to not go for a period of time. When the house gets really bad then call APS, or center for the aging.

I hope this helps a bit. Best of luck from one going through the same horrible situation
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Anxietynacy Aug 3, 2024
One thing you and your sister could do is, one sister go or say your going away. Then the other sister suddenly come down with covid. Then call APS. Sometimes ya have to get sneaky
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No, you can’t.

My MIL will not assign POA to either of us and I after I explained to her what ward of the state means, I have come to see it as a gift.
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waytomisery Aug 4, 2024
In the same boat with my MIL .
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decamp,

A POA will not really help you now. Guardianship is your legal option and it is REALLY expensive ($10,000 - $20,000 and court dates). All the other suggestions you have received are valid. I had POA for my parents and they were just like your mom (minus the cat issue). My mom refused in home help (we got it anyway but it was a struggle, hard to find, and expensive). APS told me there was nothing they could do. My parents were cognizant (in their opinion) and they had rights.

Something will happen. She will end up in the hospital and then you can step in and tell the hospital your mom is not safe at home. They need to know (the hospital) that your mom has no safe environment to return to if she is discharged from the hospital. She will be sent to a nursing home for medical care and from there you can work with that senior community/nursing home to keep her safe. Save your money because it will be expensive unless she qualifies for medicaid.

This is a great site to get other peoples views and experiences. As everyone else said, do not take her into your home. I also think the suggestion to tell her that you and your sister are busy and can't do all the things she needs will help you push her to listen to you. Best of luck and let us know how things work out.
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LakeErie Aug 10, 2024
Guardianship does not cost $10-20K. I went to the courthouse, filed the papers, and appeared before the judge. The court does home visits and all to make the determination if the person is incompetent. It costs a few bucks to file and you may need fingerprinting which is extra, but all together it isn't more than a few hundred dollars. That said, you may not really want guardianship, as it is a big responsibility.
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Either hire an elder care attorney to petition the court for guardianship or wait until she goes to the hospital and let them petition the court. You can refuse hospital discharge. Your mom needs to move into assisted living. You and your sister need to sell the house once your mom is out to pay for her personal care.
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Reply to Onlychild2024
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You can't get POA, she has to assign it.

Also stop propping her up. This is why she thinks she can live on her own. You and your sister are doing all the work. Visit once a week not daily.
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