My mom passed a year and a half ago. My father has Alzheimer’s. My 2 brothers and I take “shifts” in caring for him at night and on the weekend. We have a day lady during the week. I have tried to walk away and have gotten slammed with emotional backlash so here I am still. I feel this course of care is wrong for my father as he sits all day and watches tv or sleeps. I feel we are helping him become a vegetable. I have tried doing puzzles with him but he gets mad. I tried to get him to sit outside today, but he won’t. I won’t take him to a restaurant because he yells now and people won’t understand what’s wrong with him at that moment. I was threatened by the brothers that they will use my “third of the inheritance to get additional care if I walk away.” My answer was a huge YES! I stated the money is for his care and he needs to be in a proper memory care facility. I found a beautiful place not far from the house. He’s to the point where he is having accidents and, depending on the day, can get mean. I think he would be better off with people like him and skilled memory care staff who can tend to him 24-7. My brothers think he should be kept home. It’s been a year and a half. We are all exhausted. But it seems I’m the only person who is able to admit they can no longer do this. While I love my father, I can’t sacrifice my marriage over this. And I am literally covering half the month while they do less days. This is unfair since they are the ones who want to keep him home. How can I walk away without being made to feel like the villain here? Has anyone else had this problem? I feel so alone right now.
I think ???, if Dads will is written that everything will be split equally ( when he passes) I think that threat can be ignored.
If concerned check it out with an attorney.
No one can be expected to do more than they are capable of doing . You have to take as good of care for your self as you do with dad. Think of this , if you fell of the face of the earth today, someone would pick up the slack tomorrow.
Prayers are with you .. There are caretakers meeting on line . Check with your local council on aging or call the Alzheimer’s association 24/7 hot line. 1 800 272 3900.
25 answers - I didn't see even one that said, keep going, let the 'mission creep' keep creeping, do it your brothers' way, they have the right to direct this, you need to be quiet & do more. Put their needs before your own household's.
Lead, Follow or Get (outta the way).
You were following but hopefully can see you have 2 other choices here.
They take advantage of you, you working 50% they 25% each. You already deserve to be paid for additional 25%, yet, you are being vilified.
Keep record of hours and have somebody verify them, like your husband if you are away from home and at Dad’s, then confort them with facts.
Does he live alone? His doctors can help with this.
Most families have one sibling [usually a sister] while everyone needs to work together to develop a plan for care. It may be helpful to have a third party to help with this.
you need to take care of yourself and your family first.
Make your brother's step up to the plate and do their fair share but if they do or don't.... I would let them know they can have my third of the fabulous inheritance because I'm out. I will happily visit periodically where I can be a daughter, not a caregiver. You need to love yourself first (that is what your parent would want you to do) and take care of your family.
Sorry you are going through this but you will make it. Hugs and Peace.
YES YES YES!!! Have you been keeping track of the extra hours you've been covering for your brothers? If so, then make them make those hours up before you do another shift. And THEN (when they have made up all the hours they owe you) announce your plan to step away entirely. They deserve this for their despicable plan to make YOU the fulltime caregiver.
I know what it's like to get roped into being the 'Designated Caregiver' because it happened to me. Once it does it's damn near impossible to get yourself out without being made into a vilified, hated, guilt-tripped, judged scapegoat.
I established boundaries and I will never get used and played by my family or anyone else's ever again. My sibling and relatives who are not helping with the caregiving for my narcissistic abusive mother think that I'm not nice enough about it. My attitude on that is they can show up or shut up.
They always shut up because nobody wants to do it and put up with the BS that comes with caregiving. My mother also knows that if dementia shows up to the party, I will not care for her. Of course this makes me the a**hole of my family. A title which I will own proudly rather than ever be taken advantage of again.
Tell your brothers in bo uncertain terms that while you care about Dad, YOUR mental and physical health must now take priority. No ifs, ands or buts. You've suggested excellent care plans for him at a lovely nearby memory care facility. They don't want to hear it because they feel the memory care facility will take Dad's SS and pension (which they will) in order to pay for his care. Who is Dad's POA? Who is Executor of Dad's will? How involved are you in Dad's financial affairs? Getting Dad placed into Memory Care and all the legal and financial issues that go with it can be daunting. It's not just a matter of picking out a nice place and dropping Dad off. Some ONE needs to coordinate all of this and it sounds like your brother's are totally opposed to it.
So if you are ready to get really involved in getting Dad to a safe environment, know it will be difficult mentally draining to deal with all of this. You will need a really supportive spouse. If you're ready to walk away, walk away. Caregiving can be rewarding but horrendous at the same time.
Your brothers aren't getting it, especially when you say you're doing 1/2 the work and they are only doing 1/4 each. Not fair. You must sit down as siblings and discuss this in a calm manner. Ask them why they want to keep Dad at home. Then listen to their answers. They will reveal the real reasons why they want to keep him at home: $$$ and/or their potential "inheritance". It's certainly NOT to keep Dad safe, clean, and well fed. THAT'S the real reason you should insist upon.
If they cannot see that, then you need to make a tough decision. (1) Leave Dad to THEIR care or (2) take steps to make yourself Dad's "legal guardian" with court papers (not inexpensive as you should be employing a qualified elder law atty) and take over ALL aspects of Dad's financial life and medical care and get him placed in an appropriate memory care facility. Not easy but doable. Your choice. And don't feel guilty about either choice. You want what's best for your Dad. Period.
i am fortunate to have longterm insurance for my husband and myself but it costs more than i can afford so i am working in my 80s. But i am determined that we will not live with my daughter or her kids.
thats what facilities are for.
there is no reason why the facility has to be a bad one. There is no reason why family members cant do body checks for family members there for bedsores or bad food or conditions or care.
i do not believe that family members need to give over their lives to care for others no matter how they love them. I truly believe that care that is received in that instance can be substantially worse than finding a good facility.
The trick is not to care what they TRY.
You know that being in Memory Care with professional help and supervision will be better for dad. "The boys" want what's better for THEM and their purses.
They are selfish pigs. You should tell them so when you give notice.
Stop killing yourself and killing your marriage in order to enrich them.
If your priority is your health, your state of mind and your marriage.... then do a little homework and find some great memory care options that are close by. Have that information at the ready, then politely tell your brothers that you are stepping out of the caregiving rotation because you think everyone including your dad would benefit from dad going to a memory care facility. At that point they have two options...they can now split the care between the two of them (which I don't think they will do for long) or they will move him to a facility.
If they get belligerent, just calmly tell them if getting an inheritance takes priority over what's best for dad and what's best for the three of you, then have at it.
I am not trying to down play the work it will take to move dad to MC. Finances have to be taken into consideration, selling his home if he has one, etc... I don't know how aware your father is, but he may fight you on the move. There is still much work to be done that you can assist with, but at least there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Q1 Are you female?
If yes then start here.
"I am NOT a maid to the men of this family. Not for Dad. Not for YOU Brother #1 or YOU Brother #2.
I am DONE with that.
A family home care plan only works when it works for EVERYONE in the plan. It no longer works for me. So it is time for a NEW PLAN.
This is what I am suggesting;
Both brothers need a BIG dose of reality. Starting with;
1. More education on Dementia. What it is. How it progresses.
2. 1. A needs assessment for Dad.
Then re-do the Care Plan based on his needs.
If family cannot provide all the care provided - then non-family help is needed eg hired aides.
From DAD's funds.
NOT from ONLY your share (WT4#@$🤬). Just rediculous.
If/when care needs cannot be met well at home, moving into 24/7 becomes necessary. As you point out, it can bring socialisation which is a plus.
No-one is born knowing this stuff so I give them a tiny little break.. but as my elders would say - they need their heads banged together!
They are willing to let YOU drown in the bog for THEIR inheritance. Downright selfish.
PS Bet they are calling YOU selfish for stepping back, right?
Your brothers have every right to be angry over possibly having to place your father and to see everything he ever had get handed over. They want to preserve some kind of inheritance for themselves and that's fine. It's not for you though. You do not want to be your father's caregiver. It's your choice and it's okay if you don't want to do it.
Do your brothers know that no amount of money has ever bought back a moment of time?
If they want to sacrifice and be caregivers for what could be years, give them your blessing and let them do it.
Then walk away and leave them to it. Visit your father if you want to but as a daughter and not a caregiver. Good luck.
Your brothers love him, and yes, they want to inherit. Your father earned the money. It is his for his care first. Who has Durable Power of Attorney? Your father can be declared incompetent by his physician, then that designated person, as Power of Attorney, makes the decisions. If there is no DPOA in place, see an Elder Care lawyer to protect yourself and your family. The lawyer will help you figure it out.
Best Wishes,
A 30+ years licensed Social Worker
Does Dad qualify for Medicaid? If so, you could get him placed in a nursing facility or assisted living (I do not know what level of care he belongs in, but I'm guessing nursing). If not, who is controlling his money? Now that he's incontinent, he is a haz mat danger.
Calling Adult Protective Services may be the best option, but people have been warned on this forum not to back down if they, too, try to manipulate you into being his nurse/caregiver. Just say no and tell them when you will be dropping him off at the ER (that should get them interested because they could be held responsible for his welfare.
Scaling back your night duties to a third of the month, or eliminating them altogether, woukd increasingly pressure brothers into accepting the solution of mc or making it work without you to the bitter end, making you the bad guy. Other posters are right in saying that no will can now be revised, but it is up to the poa to decide whether he goes to a facility.
Then they will get a better picture of your father's needs.
You don't ask, you tell. Not up for discussion. The vacation starts on (one week from now), for however long you can be gone. (Or, you don't have to go anywhere, but become unfindable).
Be sure to give them a number where you can be reached in an emergency, but have it go to a disconnected phone. This will make your point without the usual argument and threats (being slammed with emotional backlash) from them. Sure, this is extreme, but may be necessary if your brothers are this bad towards you.
If you do not take action right away, your father will decline and taking action like this may interfere with his care.
Who has POA? If you, get Dad formally diagnosed with Dementia and you make the decisions. If you are not POA, you can file for guardianship and use Dads money to pay for it. A lawyer could verify what I said.
You could walk away and see what happens. If brothers do not walk up to the plate, then call APS and tell them there is money there for Dads care.
If you can’t do the care willingly, just stop. Your brothers can do more themselves, or hire care, but it will come out of the total estate, including their ‘shares’. If they try paying themselves in advance, they will need to OK it with your father', and it would be very tricky in terms of POA responsibilities – you can keep some evidence that they are doing this simply for their money hopes, not for father’s best interest.
Give them the glad tidings that they are talking rubbish.
Tell your brother to go ahead and use your 1/3 and pay for the care that you would provide on your "shifts"
I think if you placed him in Memory Care he would become more involved being around others.
Sell the house, use assets to pay for the best care that he can afford.
It will get to a point where his house will not be appropriate as he declines and will money be used to make the changes needed or will he or I should say his caregivers be forced to care for him in a place that is not safe for his needs at that time.
Tell your brother to do what needs to be done to use your "inheritance" and begin to enjoy your nights and weekends with your friends and family.