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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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I had an abusive elderly client for about two months, and I was afraid to leave my apartment for about a year afterwards. PTSD is real. My blood pressure was stroke range for about a year and now I have heart issues.
I'm sharing this because if this short span of time hurt me, just think and feel how this is affecting you for the long term. Abuse is abuse. It doesn't matter who is doing the abuse, it will have a hold on you for a long time.
I sought out therapy. I shared an incident with the therapist and told her how this client had literally blocked me with her walker on her basement steps and threatened me if I touched her, she was going to call and report elder abuse. Now this was a dementia client, and the next day told her cousin that she and I had a debate. Sometimes I wonder how much of this is dementia and how much of this abusive nonsense is mixed in with their illness. I quit the case. No amount of money is worth my health.
A person's personality even an abusive one will come shining through once those filters are gone. I would observe if this behavior will stop when others are around. If the behavior stops when others are around, this means this person still has some measure of control. Maybe, I'm in denial, but a lot of things that are said about the brain being broke may work in some instances. However, abusers always abuse when there are no witnesses around.
The point of this thread, is that many posters are in this situation right now: it’s totally connected to caregiving. The posters are caring for abusive, elderly parents. That makes it very hard for the caregiver. (By caregiver, I don’t mean hands-on. I mean any form of helping/caregiving).
Sometimes I use quotation marks in my posts below: because it comes from the internet: various people with ideas on how to understand what elderly abusers do.
For those who are lucky that it’s not happening to them, great! Lucky!
But it’s happening to many people on the forum. There are many abusive elderly people. It helps to see clearly what they’re doing to you, while you’re helping.
To others who’re helping their abusive elderly LOs, remember:
A responsible, empathetic, non-abusive parent by definition wouldn’t want their adult child to caregive. (By caregiving, I mean helping, whatever form that takes; a huge chunk of your time and life). That includes whatever sibling, who’s trying to push you into that role, so they’re not it.
An empathetic, non-exploitative parent wants a solution for their elderly problems that doesn’t involve stealing your time. A favor here and there might be understandable. But not a huge chunk of your time. You’re in your prime and you were given life to live it.
As InvisibleOne wrote:
“Please value your life, even when others do not.”
You often hear that abusive elderly parents live long. One reason is that, they shove all their caregiving issues onto their child, which means they themselves have very little stress since they have a slave solving their stressful problems.
I’m thinking maybe yet another reason abusive elderly parents live long, is actually because they want to abuse you as long as possible! They do what they can to stay alive, for that purpose! They know if they die, you’ll be free of abuse.
I wonder if the abuse they throw at us while we caregive, is poison. They had poison in them, they throw the poison at us. Now we’re in a bad mood, until the poison leaves our body a few days later, or unless we also spit the poison at someone else (we don’t, because we’re nice).
In case my sentences below help anyone who’s an abused caregiver by the LOs they’re caring for…(caregiver is anyone who helps; it doesn’t have to be hands-on) (abuse doesn’t have to be verbal/physical/etc…it can also be exploitative of your time, stealing too much of your time and life)….
Some sentences to consider:
1. Is your plan to start your life only when the LO has passed away?
2. How about letting others (paid non-family caregivers) deal with them till the end? Depending on how bad the abuse is, some people feel enormous freedom going completely no contact. For the first time in their life, they’re not abused. Remember, you’re VERY LIKELY to get a health problem later in life as a direct result of the continuous abuse. Now that you know that (you can’t say you weren’t warned), are you willing to give your consent to that future health problem?
3.You might not realize it, but your abuser is using contact with you, as an opportunity to get pot-shots in before they die.
4.”Don’t drink poison just because you’re thirsty.”
5.Can daughters (it’s normally the girl who’s abused) thrive and heal? Yes. But most likely you’ll need to get away from the abusive LO, even though you wish to help them. Ironically, your success at helping them, has extended your abuser’s life AND therefore also extended the amount of time you’ll continue to be abused!!
6.Some people find it useful to stop calling their mom, “mom”. A mom is loving, kind, cares about YOUR best interests. What you have is an enemy.
7.She doesn’t want you to succeed.
8.Success is the best revenge. You will achieve incredible things without your abuser’s influence.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
I'm sharing this because if this short span of time hurt me, just think and feel how this is affecting you for the long term. Abuse is abuse. It doesn't matter who is doing the abuse, it will have a hold on you for a long time.
I sought out therapy. I shared an incident with the therapist and told her how this client had literally blocked me with her walker on her basement steps and threatened me if I touched her, she was going to call and report elder abuse. Now this was a dementia client, and the next day told her cousin that she and I had a debate. Sometimes I wonder how much of this is dementia and how much of this abusive nonsense is mixed in with their illness. I quit the case. No amount of money is worth my health.
A person's personality even an abusive one will come shining through once those filters are gone. I would observe if this behavior will stop when others are around. If the behavior stops when others are around, this means this person still has some measure of control. Maybe, I'm in denial, but a lot of things that are said about the brain being broke may work in some instances. However, abusers always abuse when there are no witnesses around.
I’m kidding. No mystery.
Abusers abuse specific people, with whom they think there are no consequences.
Sometimes I use quotation marks in my posts below: because it comes from the internet: various people with ideas on how to understand what elderly abusers do.
For those who are lucky that it’s not happening to them, great! Lucky!
But it’s happening to many people on the forum. There are many abusive elderly people. It helps to see clearly what they’re doing to you, while you’re helping.
It means while you’re helping them, they’re abusing you. They’re DARVOing you:
deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender.
A responsible, empathetic, non-abusive parent by definition wouldn’t want their adult child to caregive. (By caregiving, I mean helping, whatever form that takes; a huge chunk of your time and life). That includes whatever sibling, who’s trying to push you into that role, so they’re not it.
An empathetic, non-exploitative parent wants a solution for their elderly problems that doesn’t involve stealing your time. A favor here and there might be understandable. But not a huge chunk of your time. You’re in your prime and you were given life to live it.
As InvisibleOne wrote:
“Please value your life, even when others do not.”
By doing that, they do the following:
“She didn't actually want me succeeding or going anywhere, but she would never have admitted that or wanted anyone to know about it.”
You often hear that abusive elderly parents live long. One reason is that, they shove all their caregiving issues onto their child, which means they themselves have very little stress since they have a slave solving their stressful problems.
I’m thinking maybe yet another reason abusive elderly parents live long, is actually because they want to abuse you as long as possible! They do what they can to stay alive, for that purpose! They know if they die, you’ll be free of abuse.
In case my sentences below help anyone who’s an abused caregiver by the LOs they’re caring for…(caregiver is anyone who helps; it doesn’t have to be hands-on) (abuse doesn’t have to be verbal/physical/etc…it can also be exploitative of your time, stealing too much of your time and life)….
Some sentences to consider:
1. Is your plan to start your life only when the LO has passed away?
2. How about letting others (paid non-family caregivers) deal with them till the end? Depending on how bad the abuse is, some people feel enormous freedom going completely no contact. For the first time in their life, they’re not abused. Remember, you’re VERY LIKELY to get a health problem later in life as a direct result of the continuous abuse. Now that you know that (you can’t say you weren’t warned), are you willing to give your consent to that future health problem?
3.You might not realize it, but your abuser is using contact with you, as an opportunity to get pot-shots in before they die.
4.”Don’t drink poison just because you’re thirsty.”
5.Can daughters (it’s normally the girl who’s abused) thrive and heal? Yes. But most likely you’ll need to get away from the abusive LO, even though you wish to help them. Ironically, your success at helping them, has extended your abuser’s life AND therefore also extended the amount of time you’ll continue to be abused!!
6.Some people find it useful to stop calling their mom, “mom”. A mom is loving, kind, cares about YOUR best interests. What you have is an enemy.
7.She doesn’t want you to succeed.
8.Success is the best revenge. You will achieve incredible things without your abuser’s influence.
I would love that. Not my problem anymore.
“2. …are you willing to give your consent to that future health problem?”
NO.