My mother and sister had a falling out over 20 years ago and have not spoken since. Both women are still holding onto their anger and hate like a drowning man to a raft! My mum was diagnosed with dementia about a year ago but it has only recently become more pronounced. I suggested to my sister that if she was seeking peace or closure, to contact mum soon as time was running out. She responded with blame, anger and hate and stated she would not initiate contact. I am very saddened that my sister will not see her mother before she dies because of the anger, blame and hate between them. The regret will eat at her for the rest of her life. Ultimately, its their business, but should I make the suggestion to mum and try to get my sister some closure?
You need to understand that you cannot change the choices of others.
Closure is a magical thinking dream we watch on TV movies. It doesn't often happen in real life.
You have tried; it has been unsuccessful. It is time to let it go.
I speak as someone who has one family member cut off from the others. Everything has been tried.
You say that people are holding onto anger, but in fact that often is not the case. Despite blood connection there are times when people in family simply cannot get along. Without ongoing animosity it is easier in these cases to let go, to go on with individual lives with a positive attitude.
I hope, when your Mom did NOT have dementia, that their ending was one more of resignation that they had tried, but simply could not get along, and it was time to relieve themselves, one of the other. That there were not cruel words, but just resignation and recognition. I believe then that they likely have a very real peace.
To be frank, this deathbed reintroduction would drive me mad with fear were I to have someone out there planning it for me when I could not defend myself. You are looking at a Mom with dementia, who cannot make decisions for herself; it is hubris to think you SHOULD. In some ways it is "cruel".
You are looking at a Sister very angry at your intervention; take this as a message that you tried, and should not intervene again.
What YOU want in this instance is of no import. It is what your Mom and your Sister want that is important. They wanted to be shed of their tormented relationship and they did that. 20 years water has been flowing under the bridge. I doubt they gave one another much of a thought until your intervention.
If you are a "believer" then believe they can sort it at the Pearly Gates when supposedly people acquire perfect understanding. If you are not, well, then, we are all soon enough at peace.
It’s really you who want the closure, not them. Their challenge may be forgiveness, but your challenge is acceptance. Look after your heart. Yours, Margaret
sending love