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I’ve taken care of his parents who have both passed. I’ve welcomed and took him into my own home. 3yrs later. (Current) he’s been getting verbally nasty with my children. Last week he grabbed my little 5yr old girl by the arm and yelled in her ear because “her voice is too loud”. I called the police made a report. I rent a room to him. I'm also his in-home supportive service IHAA provider. I'm his representative. A day ago he swung a cane at my family member, he started yelling. I was called downstairs to help my family as soon as I come down client calls me a few nasty words and reaches for my neck and yes chokes me. I did my best to defend myself all while my brother was trying to get him off me . My kids are traumatized from last week especially from a day ago. I feel stuck. I called police made a report  The ambulance took him to hospital because he’s disabled and dont think jail is the right place for him because of a stroke. From 20+ years ago? Idk if he’d be checked in for 5150. I call the hospital to speak with him because he hasn’t anyone else. I don’t know how to go about any of this situation.


I’ve read countless articles and am having a hard time to find help in my defense as everything is related to and for elder getting abuse. The thing is I and my family are being abused. Not the other way. Help! Open to all suggestions

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Call Adult Protective Services or a state Ombudsman.
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Why do you have this need to "connect" with someone who has, by your admission, shown violence? You have to draw the line when it comes to abuse, and report the violent behavior to your local police. They can have him Baker Acted to determine cause, and competency which may require the hospital's social worker to organize nursing home placement. I certainly am no doctor or nurse, but in my opinion if you keep on "connecting" to someone violent, you may need to seek help due to playing the role of enabler. This is my opinion only. If it were me once is enough and I would run away as far as I can from this person. Unless you plan to marry the guy because he's got money it sounds odd to me. I married for money--I respect that--but he's never abused me and I enjoy his company.
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For heaven's sake.

The disabled man has been living in peace and harmony with this lovely little family for three years. He is not a creep, he is not obnoxious - SOMETHING has happened which had caused a dramatic decline in his brain. He's ILL.

And, thank God, gone.

The OP now has the difficult diplomatic task of undoing all of the admin that went into being his official representative and support worker, and she was looking for advice on how to avoid misunderstandings about the situation.
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If this is a sudden change then I expect a UTI. If not he has suffered maybe from another stroke. Whatever, its time to have him removed from your home. You must tell the Social Worker at the hospital that other arrangements have to be made. That u have filed 2 police reports about his abuse. You fear he will hurt ur daughter. What do u think would have happened if ur brother hadn't been there. Have the state made his guardian. Let them figure where he goes. He is not ur responsibility.
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Not to be offensive are you for real?

He grabbed your child, swung a cane at you, and choked you.

His next move may be to kill you in your sleep

He's out your home, keep him out. You have good reason to wash your hands of him Wish him well and let him go.
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Llamalover47 Aug 2019
No need to wish the creep well. Just sayin'.
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Don’t let him back in to your house. Call hospital & explain that he’s a danger to your family. He’s not responsible for rest of lease...have hospital social worker place him in a facility.
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Wow!!! Any patient who does bodily harm to one's child is not allowed back into the home ever again! Cane swinging - NO WAY! That is outrageous and appalling behaviour. Do not call him.
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I would talk to his doctor about the situation and that you are going to have to evict. He may meed medical eligibility to to to NH.

Then talk with an attorney (or your county judge) about how to proceed with the eviction process. Legally, his residence is your home and it will take appropriate legal action to remove him - you want to handle it correctly.

When you say you are his representative, I assume that means you handle his social security, ssi, and/or retirement income for him. You will need to tell this to the atty as well, so he can be transitioned into another living situation. Apparently, his mental condition is deteriorating for some reason. If he is still in the hospital - contact the dr immediately so he can help you get him into some kind of facility until you can iron the rest of it out.
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He MUST leave your home immediately and never return. “Divorce” yourself from him in every way. Is it possible to turn him over to social services to resume his care? You mentioned he has no one except for you, but aren’t social workers assigned to individuals to help them? I wish you the best outcome for everyone...without guilt. Sending love.
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Well, I'm glad you called the police and filed a report.

Stop calling to check on him.

Google landlord laws in your state. Someone who is only renting a room in an owner occupied house is a lodger, not a tenant. Find out about evicting a lodger, which is usually easier than a tenant eviction.

Consider posting a question on a landlord message board (Biggerpockets, mrlandlord.com, etc.) about getting him out. Personally, I would consult a real estate attorney for confirmation, but those landlords know their stuff, and message boards allow more experienced landlords to correct the less experienced people so you should get the right answer.

Surely, SURELY there are exceptions to usual notice periods when a lodger assaults someone living in the house, particularly if that someone is a child.

(And, for the record, I wouldn't care at all if he just had a UTI and that was his excuse for bad behavior. Someone who puts his hands on my child -- or me, for that matter -- has forfeited his right to remain happily in my home.)
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Dexieboy Aug 2019
NOBODY puts their hands on my children either. No excuses.
(4)
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Sometimes when there is sudden irrational behavior it is because of infection of some type. Hopefully they will test him for a UTI. After treatment with antibiotics the person often does not remember their behavior. I would try to rule this out first.
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TXGirl82 Aug 2019
What are you suggesting? If he had a UTI and has it treated, he gets to return?

That poor child needs to feel that her parent will defend her from this person. She deserves to feel safe.

No way would I allow someone who had that history to return to my home -- not without a big, stinkin' fight. No way!
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Stop calling him
Refuse to allow him back into your home when it comes time for him to be released.
Talk to the Social Workers at the hospital so they can begin to look for placement for him. He is now their responsibility. Bring all his belongings to the hospital so there is noting of his at your house so he has no reason to return.
You may have to file for a "formal eviction" you might want to talk to the police about that or at least go to the court and talk to someone about the legalities of this. If he is renting you can not just "kick him out" it has to be done legally. (the hospital social worker may be able to help with this as well.)
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In addition to the resources at the hospital, wondering about adult protective services. Kids and you need to be protected and you as well.
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You must be the gold medal winner when it comes to "no good deed goes unpunished."

Your intentions were admirable, and you've given this man a good three years of highest quality, family based care. I'm just sorry it went so horribly wrong for you, and I hope eventually there will be an explanation of what happened to him, medically or psychologically, to alter his behaviour as it did.

But enough! The hospital will stabilise him, but do not take him back into your own home. Contact whichever social services office deals with his support, explain what has happened, and hand him back: there are systems to take care of people who have no support network of their own. You just can't give him a second chance around your kids.
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Get that person out of your house. Children are not equiped to deal with what you are allowing in your home.
Do not let the person back after being removed. Refer to The Public Guardian for a mental health conservitor.
A mental health unit will house the person until The Public Guardian has custody,
You need counseling as to why you want to provide care in your home. Children will suffer. Your family unit is to mold and care for your children, or they will learn behaviors that will bring them harm.
As an investigator...If you allowed this person to come back into your home...this would be child abuse and the court would have the person removed.
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Why in God's name are you allowing someone with this obnoxious and cruel behavior to attack and harm you and your family? Is there another reason we don't know? You have gone above and beyond and you owe him nothing - he is getting violent and dangerous. You HAVE NO CHOICE. Get help from the proper authorities - you cannot do it and don't have to do it. He must be removed from your home at once. You are in danger.
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To get around the fact that you rent him a room, ask for a restraining order against him, that way you have the right to refuse to take him back. tell the hospital that you will not take him back and file for eviction. You need to protect your family!
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I think your problem is already solved. Tell the hospital that he is not your family member, you cannot take him to your home because he poses a threat to your family which includes minor children. I agree. The law is necessarily tilted in favor of the elderly person and against any care giver. But in this situation, you now have the upper hand. Quite honestly, I'm surprised your family has tolerated this.
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If you care for him which you seem to do, I would take him to see a geriatric psychiatrist. There are medications he needs to modify his behavior.
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All you have to do if he's admitted in to a Hospital, is refuse to allow him to return to your home.

Just tell all concerned that you are no longer able to care for him.

Im sure they will keep asking to discharge him to you but DO NOT SIGN ! Tell all that you can not have him live with you and they must find a place for him.

They will find a Nursing Home to release him to.
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He is out of her house......no need to keep calling the cops. No need to contact social services. He’s in the hispital so try to make him their problem. The hospital has social workers, work with them to get him placed.
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Dexieboy Aug 2019
Great reply!
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Until he is out of your house I would continue to call the cops so that there is a record of his abuse. If you explain the ongoing issue, the cops may be able to have the medics take him in for a psych eval and then absolutely refuse to take him back into your home (which will be tricky since that is where he lives). Also maybe take video, which may be harder in the moment. As well as following what AlvaDeer suggests, you may want to make extra sure he doesn't come back by filing for eviction proceedings, which takes effect in 30 days (here in MN, so not sure how what the process is in your state). Wishing you safety and resolution!
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He needs to be placed. You cannot endanger your family. You will tell Social Services TODAY that they must find placement for him and he cannot return to your home. You may visit him there if you wish.
Do not be sucked in by their platitudes of they can provide help and you can "make this work" together. They won't and you can't.
Placement is now the only answer.
I would resign as "Representative" whatever that is, as well. And you will of course now not be getting his rental or his caregiver stipend if that is being paid to you.
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