How do I deal when no one is helping me?

Go Stiegman!!! You're right on the $, girl.

hehehe... love ya captain!

totally sucky reply from debralee. ( the gal who dont give a flying damn about caring for anyone ) .
" get out and leave the caring to family members who genuinely care? "
NEWSFLASH : they dont care, they dont come around..
wow !!

New York Times reporter Jane Gross wrote a book called "A Bittersweet Season" about caregiving, and it is full of good information. One of the things she recommends is to find a good geriatric care manager. Many care managers will give you a free first consultation, which can be very helpful in pointing you in the right direction in seeking the appropriate care for your loved one (and for yourself). The hope is that you will be so impressed with their expertise that you will hire them to implement the health care plan -- but there is no obligation. So it can't hurt to ask.

I live with my dad and my family thinks I'm the mooch too... so I can sympathize with you on that. The driving gotcha there too... Dad totaled 3 cars. No where in the constitution does it say she has the inalienable right to drive... take the keys. I did and it was horrible!! he wandered thehouse and broke the handle off the car door trying to get in it. he called the police and I was validated when the police said he shouldn't be driving. Now the car is moved where he cannot see it and that helps. Love the comment about putting the Doc on the Spot!! Do it I did. I have no advice about the family other than to say write it down... everything you do every day you do it write it down. All the falls food messes testy words everything! then when the family whines... show them the list and ask them which of these they are putting on THEIR to do lists, so you can mark it off yours. and do move on... you are so young and intelligent, depression after losing your job is normal but you deserve much better than this.
Blessings to you!

Please forgive me for being so crude, but I'm sure most of the relatives assume that since you were unemployed and technically homeless, caring for Grandma is your job and you should feel blessed a few minions of that Purgatory took you in.

Try to carve out some time to contact women's shelters that can connect you with employment. It's going to be hard because you're not an alcohol and/or drug addict. But you're a survivor; and like a cat, you'll land on your feet anywhere you go.

You're the master of your own destiny. Regain your independence if you don't want to remain shackled and treated like a doormat.

Talkthattalk9, I'm listening to you, God Bless you young women for all you are doing for your Gram. We all understand your frustration as it is our frustration. You really find out what your family is made of when it comes to crisis like this, friends too, for that matter. People say one thing and do another don't they when it all boils down to reality. I have two parents with dementia messing court situation and no one to help me either. The man I was seeing walked out on me in the middle of all of this and I lost my job for going back to care for my folks. They're both in a nursing home right now. I'm so depressed my friends really don't want to hear from me, OH did I say friends hummmm. There you go the people that stick beside you in the tough times like this they're true, hold on to them. Those that don't let them go and move on. I know this is horrible for you living this way without any help, you can't make people do what's right if they don't want to found that out. I'm an only child, no one else wants to straighten out this mess so it's just me and it's on going. If you think it could help call a crisis line, get back on the board post as much as you need too. You are being heard you're not alone in this and we who are living what you're living we care! God Bless you, seek as much peace for yourself as you possibly can. All the things you described with our Grammy sound just like my father who suffers with dementia.

I suggest you go to your community senior center and request to speak to a social worker or program manager. They can give you lots of guidance, help and assistance. I joined a caregiver group because I ran out of solutions to my mother's problem too. It was worth it seeking out help from the outside rather than from my siblings. Wish you the best.

Jinx .. GMTA

LadeeC took the words right out of my mouth.

Something to consider with your GMs doctor:

"Doc, I know gramma said don't talk to anyone. And I know you have to follow the HIPAA rules. But that shouldn't stop you from *hearing* about the stuff that's going on .... from someone who's been living with her these last years. My only concern is for her health and well being, and I know that's your first concern, right?"

Put HIM on the spot.

TalkThatTalk, no need to apologize. Debralee is a good person, but I think she got up on the wrong side that morning. Usually she would be among the first to sympathize with your predicament. Must have been one of her bad days -- I have those, too, unfortunately.

You actually sound like you are doing pretty good. I like that you are not stuck at all. Your work and plans to move show you are planning for the future. I get the feeling now that you are just worried and venting. It sounds like you are doing everything right that you can. Your grandma's children just need to get more involved in doing things like making sure she is not driving.

I am hoping we hear some happy news in the future, maybe with your boyfriend. You have earned a good life of your own.

I'm late to this party but I didn't see anything indicating you were ungrateful either. I see a tired stressed good-hearted young woman who is doing the best she can for an ungrateful person. I'm no doctor but it sounds like your GM may have some form of dementia. I don't know what it would take to get her diagnosed because our situations are completely different. It doesn't sound like her doctor is going to be much help. He really doesn't sound like a good doctor to me. I guess the only thing you could do is call APS and let them know of the situation. Maybe they'll have some suggestions. She needs to see a neurologist to be evaluated but she more than likely won't cooperate. I didn't have that problem with my MIL so I really don't know what advice to give as far as that goes. She got her keys taken away from her by my nephew 8 months ago. She almost ran 3 or 4 people off the road and got the cops called on her. Either she or the cop called my nephew and he went to get her, taking her keys away. He told her no more driving, end of story. She still managed to get someone to take her to get her license renewed though. But still no driving. I don't know that that approach would work with your GM.

I also want to say, I AM grateful to have a place to live. I may not of mentioned that before, but I was frazzled in my first post, and my last post I was mad... but I have calmed and read more of the answers. and please understand I am grateful. everyday.

I feel though, as others have mentioned, I am being taken advantage of. my grandma, family, everyone think that because I am not in a spot to get out it is ok to just let me deal with it all since I am here.

I mention moving to anyone and they throw tons of reasons at me why it wouldn't work right now. no encouragement no "yea good idea" nothing... just "oh it wouldn't work because......" which shows right there they don't want to deal with this.

I have stayed this long not because I need a place to stay, I could live on my moms couch if I REALLY REALLY needed to, which would not be pleasent but it would be better than this sometimes. I would never dream in a million years of abandoning her.

I go to visit my friends or boyfriend for a night and all I do is think if she is ok. I worry she won't take her meds. I worry she will fall and I wont be there. I always have her on my mind.

mornings are worse and I have to work alot of mornings and I always have to leave when she is faint, and I worry all day at work she is doing bad.

so I most certainly am not in this for a roof over my head. I am sorry for calling you crazy Deb, that was out of anger. but please try and realize what I am going through. I am not at all trying to take advantage of my grandmother. I am trying to keep her alive.

welll first off thank you to all the ladies who have helped me. I apologize for not returning sooner, I actually do have a part time job at the moment and working on top of taking care of things here and then the holiday, I had no time.


Debralee..... you are crazy. I don't know what happened to you in life to be so evil and mean to someone you don't know who is obviously struggling.... well you are just a sad person.

my grandmother's condition is most certainly NOT my fault.... two weeks after I moved in she had a spinal fusion surgery... a MAJOR surgery... in which she was bedridden for weeks and I had to take care of her around the clock. THAT is why her condition has gotten worse. it is hard enough recovering from a surgery in general but when you have parkinson's, meds to take 6 times a day, and are old in age, that is going to take a toll on you.

thats about all the breath I am wasting on you.... I pray that you find some sort of peace in your life instead of trolling people who are going thru a difficult time.

ok... so for the rest. I have a part time job right now, am looking for a second job. it is hard when I work 8.25/hour 24 hours a week to save money but I am really trying. I have bene looking into the town my boyfriend lives in to move they have extremely cheap apartments ... I will live in a slum box at this point if I have to if it means getting out.

I don't have much esle to say except thank you to all who listened.

as for going to her primary doctor about things, I have considered it. Thing with that is, my grandma has told her doctor not to talk to any of us. My aunt tried once, and he looked at her with a mean look and ignored her didn't respoond. then the rest of the time he saw her after that he didn't aknowledge her. my grandma is friends with her doctor, garden buddies, so if I do go to him I have to think hard. I know he will listen to me, but doing something is a whole other deal.

my brother told him once he is scared of our grandma driving and explained why. the doctor said "I didn't realize it was that bad" but then has done nothing since.

with all these people not listening to me, and dismissing my concerns, it makes me feel like I am crazy. makes me feel like I am overreacting or something. I feel like they all think I am being overdramatic. but they don't hear the falls they don't see her faint or that she can't walk across a room sometimes without falling. it sucks.

I have decided for sure when I move out and I am done here, I am telling my whole family what I think of them, how they are not good people and they do not care at all about my grandma. I am so ok with not having them in myl ife anymore. they need to know that the abandoned her during this time.

I sometimes wonder what my grampa would think if he was alive. he would be so dissappointed in everyone.

thank you all I am going back to re-read some posts and take the advice you have given to me.... you all are wonderful people, minus crazy deb.

First, Debralee appears to be a troll. Ignore the posts and any like hers. My answer to your question "How do I deal when no one is helping me?" is it not possible for one person to do continuously do all you are doing. I am in a similar situation and I am often criticized for my care-giving style. I also became unemployed but it was several months before I became a caregiver to my mom. My life changed overnight. My mom has her license but does not want to drive. I suggest getting in touch with your grandmother's primary care doctor's office and explain the situation concerning driving. The doctor may have your GM come in and perhaps your GM will list to her PCP. If the doctor considers her incompetent to drive the PCP can send a notice to the registry of motor vehicles to have her license suspended. It would be a big loss for your GM and I probably would tell your GM maybe she will be able to get it back if her condition improves. You really cannot reason with someone in a mental state like your GM. One time my mom refused to take some medication and so I said nothing and then came back about 10 minutes later and she took it. It also possible you may be able to get paid for your role as a caregiver. I found this out through a friend who is a nurse. She visits homes where a caregiver is a family member and is being paid by the state to evaluate whether caregiver services are actually needed. She said the caregivers receive $12 an hour. Many families hire a family member. If your GMs homes has been in a trust for 5 years she may be happy in an assisted living environment. If there is no trust or 5 years have not passed then the house can be lost to the cost of the coverage of nursing home or assisted living care. I think if you could get paid to help your GM and stay in the home you could make money and save money. I would check with the elder service organizations in your area to see if they could help with volunteers or respite workers. I have not done so but the only time I got a break was when I was hospitalized overnight. I miss my old life of being able to go visit out-of-state friends for a weekend get away. I rarely go out at night and I don't see friends very often. At this point, my mom is independent in washing, dressing and even cleaning house. I have been criticized for letting her do these things but she wants to do them. She can't do the things she did before. She does not read like she once did. She will read the newspaper or magazines. Last year, she was attending college classes. She used to be a whiz at numbers and well she is not now. Unfortunately, things would be easier if her power of attorney added me to the checking account. I would help my mom pay her bills. The power of attorney lives out of state and it just makes things really more difficult than they need to be. My primary doctor said I would crash or something would come up medically if I didn't take time for myself If you could get some outside help in and get paid for the work you are already doing I think you more than deserve the break and compensation. There also may be respite workers who could take your grandmother out for dinner or shopping to give you a break. I think your family should be helping you financially because if they look at the big picture your work is a lot less expensive than what a nursing home or assisted living would cost. Assisted living and nursing homes are not for everyone. No matter how nicely they are decorated it all comes down to the staff. If they are able to fill their beds with patients who are content to just sit by the nurses station all day long and be quiet than these are the ones they want. They will kick out someone disruptive. Also, a lot of patients get urinary tract infections when they are old and especially in these nursing home settings and it affects them mentally. I know you said you do not have health insurance. Please sign up for a plan under the Affordable Care Act. I believe if you do so now then you will have coverage starting January 1st. Ignore all the negativity about the new health plan. I lived in the state it was modeled after and I would not be able to get medical care without it. I wish you well. I know you do have plans to move out in February and I do not blame you or judge you for your decisions. Consider both options of staying and leaving. I am unemployed and I am unable to return to my former job and I would not be able to hold down a job because I would have too many medical absences. If you have been unemployed you may need some retraining which could lead to better pay etc. This might be an opportunity if you didn't have to worry about paying a huge rent. There are college classes online. Even if your grandmother gets angry with you please do not take it personally. She is probably very frustrated and confused. She probably can't help it. I have been told there are support groups for caregivers and some are held at the assisted living facilities and I was told you did not have to have a family member living there to attend. I miss my old life and my mom (the way she was before she got sick). so much. I am hoping my mother's medical condition will improve and this would improve her mental state.

being a caregiver is stressfull. if you are not trained properly you dont see the signs of a meltdown you need help or you need to get out now. talk to your dad and aunt . tell them its time to think about grammas safety and place her in a home

You are too young to be sole caregiver for your GM, get a job, find a place for you to live, make a schedule of times for other family members to come in and care for GM, if you WAIT for your family to OFFER to help, well, they won't...look into GM's finances, that ought to get your Dad's attention, nothing speaks louder than using GM's money to pay for daytime care...have a sitter come at night, too. Look into Senior daycare in your area that provides transportation. I care for my husband, he is still in mild to moderate Alzheimer's, can do some things for himself, cannot be left alone, I have made suggestions to family and friends to "drop in" and then I take a few hours to myself, that DOES NOT WORK, I will schedule their "drop in" visits, pick the day, the time and call and have them come by, so he doesn't feel he is being babysat, I need time on my own, I am 62 years old with a 70 something Siamese twin, lol, 24/7 even with someone who is generally happy and willing to do things with me, well we all need a break from answering the same questions and looking for lost items...get yourself the help you need, the help Grandma needs...you and your family need to talk with social workers specializing in geriatric care, they can help find the solutions to your family's dilemma, it is the family's, not just yours...take care of yourself, enjoy your youth while you still have it! God Bless you

Home health aides can help Grandma in the interim...if you cannot get a job right away and find another place. That will help you with a bit of reprieve. But when that aide comes, leave, go get a coffee, apply for work, workout...whatever. Just recharge. And in time, you can get that job and go...and you can still stop in and care for Grandma, even though you are being mistreated, you are obviously a good person and I don't see you walking away and not bothering to go back to check on Grandma...but Home Health is the way to go for immediate help. good luck.

I had a place for a temorary home
Where turbulance was the unknown
I am so lost and alone in this place called home
I yearn for the freedom that I have known
Give me the strength to overcome
All there is which I have succumb
I see my future which I shall embrace
But will never forget that you gave me a place

Debralee, you were way out of line, telling Talk off that way. This is a site where we are to be supportive of one another. My advice to Talk is to get a job anywhere, almost anywhere. Not prostiution or stripping but something respectable. Get an apt or live in a hostel. You are not all Grandma has, according to your writeup, she has your mom, your dad and your aunt. Let them step in. 29 yo is just too young to do this. Go to college, work part-time.

Debralee .. has someone recently taken advantage of your good graces? You're coming on very strong, here. It's been 3 days, over a holiday weekend. If it had been me, reading your posts, I'd've closed the site and never come back. I reach out for help and get slammed? No thanks.

(And, btw, if I ever post a whiney post, please don't bother to respond, I'm sure I'll have been entirely misunderstood by you.)

All good advice on this post, yet no response back from the originator. Maybe I should have stuck with my initial gut feeling and not give in to the "Giving the caregiver the benefit of the doubt"!

Taking care of the elderly is sometimes like taking care of a young child. It is a thankless job and why it has to be from the heart. They don't have the presence of mind to say thank you; it takes all their brain power to do the most primary of functions. Your disdain for your family however, is not without merit. You may need to contact the area on aging in your city to see about getting some help for your grandmother and if you do decide to be head of her care then you need to be compensated so you won't have to work two jobs. The area on aging maybe able to help get you some help by relieving you for a few hours 2 or 3 days a week. There is help available especially if she has low or moderate income. If you exit where does that leave your grandmother? Do you think anyone will step in. Seems to me you are the best candidate or you would have to ask for help if anyone cared enough they would be there to help. The one to consider is your grandmother and not what anyone else is doing. You have got to help yourself as well as your grandmother and although that's a delicate balance somebody has to do it. I pray for your strength to do and wisdom on what to do for you both.

Fine. I apologise to you TTT9 and hope you find a way to move on with your life. You are far too young to be a full time caregiver to your grandmother who has Parkinson's Disease. I hope you can try and understand that the problems you face with your grandmother is the result of the disease and not necessarily her as an individual. All I can suggest is call The Counsel On Aging in your area for advice on possible services for your grandmother that will help give you some help and respite time.

Debralee, TTT9 never signed up to be a caregiver. I'm sure she was plenty grateful when she just moved in. At this point, she doesn't feel even one bit grateful because she has been taken advantage of by her father and aunt.

Give a caregiver the benefit of the doubt.

Show me in Talk that talk9's post where there is any mention of being at least grateful to have a place to live and I will retract everything I said and apologise. Until then my heart goes out to the grandmother who is suffering a horrible disease that the gandchild resents and is ill prepared to care for and the rest of her absentee disfunctional family members.

Debralee Im shocked by your posts I had to come home to live as id lost my job ran out of money and really didnt have a choice but to come home until I got back on my feet? due to an accident then a burst appendix then mum falling and breaking her arm then a break in I am still here and now mums got dementia of course im grateful for all mum did for me and i have no problem looking after her but with no help and support from ANYONE i cannot do this for much longer and youre too damn right when I get money together I will get some sort of a life back so does that make me ungrateful,selfish?? WOW very shocked by your very unhelpful and hurtful posts. Gosh when ive had my heartattack I should just be grateful i had a roof over my head and all my mum did for me? NOBODY can do this job without help and support thats why its so bloody hard there are very few people on here with great support of course shes wants to get her life back but also cares very much for her grandma if she didnt care she wouldnt be on here?

Grandma needs around the clock care, in a medical facility. The next time she falls, call 911 and let them take it from there. Then, inform the hospital and doctors that you can no longer care for her at home. You will be doing your grandma a favor and she can get the care that she needs from trained caregivers.

I agree TTT9 should not have to take on the full responsibility for a Grandmother with Parkinson's Disease. The rest of the family should do their part to help out. But living with with the grandmother, even temporarily is so much better than being homeless. No 29 year old should ever have to experience living in the streets. You think 24/7 caregiving is a nightmare, try surviving in the streets with the other homeless people.