I've just returned from an overnight visit that was so bad I'm home in bed with IBS flare up and had to take xanax. Every single visit. Criticism from the time she opens the door - "Hardly recognized you! Did you gain more weight!?" to "I didn't raise you to associate with blacks!" to "I don't understand why my children aren't wealthy like my friend's children are!"
Every single visit I end up in tears, with diarrhea and have to go to bed.
Does anyone have a similar situation?
1. Get a job (or say you have a job).
2. Don't disclose your whole calender, your exact work hours or days off. Stay vague.
3. Block out chunks of time. Not I have a haircut at 9am, that leaves Mom planning out the rest of the day...
I am busy Tues all morning. Or Tuesday. Period.
4. Set aside ONE day max for the needy LO.
What is fundamentally wrong with so many people that they are willing to allow a person to tear them apart emotionally just because they are referred to as mom or dad?
There is no special reward from the universe if you take care of an abusive old wench until they finally die. Likewise there is no punishment if you wash your hands of them. Except the only punishment and guilt you allow to rent space to in your own head.
Please for your own sanity and health just stop. Walk away or if you must tell that miserable old b**** to stop with the criticisms and insults or you are done. And then be done.
https://lifelessons.co/personal-development/covertpassiveaggressivenarcissist/#3
Debbie Mirza, the author of this article, also has podcasts and books that are very helpful for children of women like this.
I'm sorry you are so upset after this overnight visit with your 90 y/o mother. If she elicits such a serious reaction in you, perhaps you need to stop with the overnight visits entirely. Can you limit your exposure to phone calls instead? Is she in need of physical help from you at this point in time? If not, I'd limit it to a weekly phone call (or whatever you are able to tolerate w/o having a physical reaction).
It's sometimes difficult to take our OWN health into consideration when caring for an elderly parent with a toxic personality. Ask yourself why you're putting yourself in harm's way like this? Is it 100% necessary to do so? What if you were to get very ill yourself God forbid, and weren't able to visit? How would mom function then?
Remember to take your OWN needs into consideration here before planning another trip to see your mother. Send her a nice plant instead, maybe a Venus Flytrap? :)
Good luck!
I was the scapegoat for my mother, she lived in NC, me in Florida. I refused to stay with her, stayed in a motel, so I could escape. If it got too bad I would just leave and head back home.
She is now in AL here in Florida, I do not visit her, my brother, the golden one does. I participate behind the scenes.
Works for me.
Tell her anything, but stop showing up.
Write her a letter explaining why you won't be visiting her anymore. From what you've said here it sounds like she wouldn't be able to have a conversation with you about it. She would make it all about her and you're being over-sensitive. Just stop seeing her.
Yes, she's your mother but why do you have to suffer? The two of you don't have a good relationship so why bother with each other? If someone has to retire to their bed sedated after spending time with a person, that someone should end that relationship.
Would you stay in a marriage or romantic relationship if your partner had this effect on you? Would you tolerate a supervisor or a boss on your job behaving abusively to the point where you have to take drugs and retire to your bed every time you come home from work?
No. You wouldn't continue in the relationship and would either report on your boss or supervisor for harassment and creating a hostile work environment. You may ever quit such a job and find other employment. Why tolerate it from your mother? She will probably not be able to change at her age. Stop seeing her. Talk on the phone. If she starts with the snide comments, you can hang up on her. Try restricting your visiting to phone calls only for and see how they go. Good luck.
Anyway, the book Boundaries, by Cloud and Townsend, recommended by so many on this forum, has helped me tremendously. I strongly recommend reading it and cutting way back on your interaction with mom. No reason AT ALL for your health to suffer.
(lealonnie, you continue to make me smile!)
Because she is your Mother does not mean you have to cater to her. Ignore her comments unless you have a quick wit that I personally don't have. But my one daughter does and I love it. I also don't like confrontation because I am not quick on comebacks. So I just ignore. Actually, I stay away from people like your mother. Just came to me, might want to say to Mom "See you are your old sweet self today Mom. So looks like I will not be staying long". Her being your Mom does not mean you have to take it.
At this point in Moms life she needs you more than you need her. If she is healthy enough to stay on her own, then continue to live ur life. She is not a priority she is a part of your life. Be honest, you did not retire to be her "gopher". If she relies on you for shopping, then pick a day. Include lunch if she is good. If not, tell her that you really can't deal with her "put downs" any longer today so home you go. People treat you the way you let them. You are a 68 year old who has taken care of yourself all these years without Mom.
If she is causing your health problems to be worse than you have to back off. Don't answer her calls. Call her back when u can deal with her. Hang up when she starts getting abusive and it is abuse. "Sorry Mom I just can't deal with you today so hanging up". You need to show her you will no longer put up with her s_ _t. If she wants something from you, then she will need to be nice.
If she physically beat you would you continue to visit?
She is mentally beating you. Just because you do not have a bloody nose and a black eye does not mean the abuse is any less damaging.
STOP going to see her.
Why continue to put your physical and mental/emotional health in jeopardy?
Mom is being critical? "Mom, it looks like you're in a pretty bad mood right now. I'll come back when you're feeling a little better."
Do not spend the night there. Even if it's a long drive both ways. You can always call to check on her. No need to consistently visit. Why not just call her instead of visiting?
You're not helping your mother by visiting. It seems just your presence is enough to turn her into a raging, angry shrew. That is of no benefit to her, aside from her enjoyment of putting you down. You can't make her happy. She doesn't want to be happy.
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