I've just returned from an overnight visit that was so bad I'm home in bed with IBS flare up and had to take xanax. Every single visit. Criticism from the time she opens the door - "Hardly recognized you! Did you gain more weight!?" to "I didn't raise you to associate with blacks!" to "I don't understand why my children aren't wealthy like my friend's children are!"
Every single visit I end up in tears, with diarrhea and have to go to bed.
Does anyone have a similar situation?
https://lifelessons.co/personal-development/covertpassiveaggressivenarcissist/#3
Debbie Mirza, the author of this article, also has podcasts and books that are very helpful for children of women like this.
I'm sorry you are so upset after this overnight visit with your 90 y/o mother. If she elicits such a serious reaction in you, perhaps you need to stop with the overnight visits entirely. Can you limit your exposure to phone calls instead? Is she in need of physical help from you at this point in time? If not, I'd limit it to a weekly phone call (or whatever you are able to tolerate w/o having a physical reaction).
It's sometimes difficult to take our OWN health into consideration when caring for an elderly parent with a toxic personality. Ask yourself why you're putting yourself in harm's way like this? Is it 100% necessary to do so? What if you were to get very ill yourself God forbid, and weren't able to visit? How would mom function then?
Remember to take your OWN needs into consideration here before planning another trip to see your mother. Send her a nice plant instead, maybe a Venus Flytrap? :)
Good luck!
If you are asking for help with your mother's tongue then I suggest either "gray rocking" or meet her comment with something equally as snappy.
"Did you gain more weight"....... "Mother I'm the exact same weight I was when I last saw you".
"I didn't raise you to associate with blacks." " Ohhh mother I forgot to tell you I got pregnant/fathered a child with a black person in college and that child is now 21 and coming to visit today"
She's trying to engage you and get you to verbally spar with her because she's miserable and you aren't doing exactly what she thought you would. The less you say and the more you stay with facts she will learn that you aren't going to respond or cave in to her demands.
Anyway, the book Boundaries, by Cloud and Townsend, recommended by so many on this forum, has helped me tremendously. I strongly recommend reading it and cutting way back on your interaction with mom. No reason AT ALL for your health to suffer.
(lealonnie, you continue to make me smile!)
1. Get a job (or say you have a job).
2. Don't disclose your whole calender, your exact work hours or days off. Stay vague.
3. Block out chunks of time. Not I have a haircut at 9am, that leaves Mom planning out the rest of the day...
I am busy Tues all morning. Or Tuesday. Period.
4. Set aside ONE day max for the needy LO.
Because she is your Mother does not mean you have to cater to her. Ignore her comments unless you have a quick wit that I personally don't have. But my one daughter does and I love it. I also don't like confrontation because I am not quick on comebacks. So I just ignore. Actually, I stay away from people like your mother. Just came to me, might want to say to Mom "See you are your old sweet self today Mom. So looks like I will not be staying long". Her being your Mom does not mean you have to take it.
At this point in Moms life she needs you more than you need her. If she is healthy enough to stay on her own, then continue to live ur life. She is not a priority she is a part of your life. Be honest, you did not retire to be her "gopher". If she relies on you for shopping, then pick a day. Include lunch if she is good. If not, tell her that you really can't deal with her "put downs" any longer today so home you go. People treat you the way you let them. You are a 68 year old who has taken care of yourself all these years without Mom.
If she is causing your health problems to be worse than you have to back off. Don't answer her calls. Call her back when u can deal with her. Hang up when she starts getting abusive and it is abuse. "Sorry Mom I just can't deal with you today so hanging up". You need to show her you will no longer put up with her s_ _t. If she wants something from you, then she will need to be nice.
You do not owe her a moment of your time nor energy.
I worked with an individual like this and nothing I did was right. I never cried on a job in the thirty six years of my working career, and one week with this person turned me into a blubbering mess with the constant putdowns and criticism. On top of that, I was expected to do my job that included light housekeeping, cooking, changing bed linens, laundry and such.
She ordered her aides around like servants (myself included). I got tired of hearing; you work for me, I am paying you to do a job! Every single day this went on. She even wanted me to unscrew and clean out her lint traps on her washing machine. I didn't do it. Everything that I was to do was included on the care plan.
I also like the part of some of these people not having food. They thought that I was suppose to use my own money to buy them meals out. I made the mistake and did this a couple of times. I got hip to this. Next time I'm assigned another case, I will tell the person up front that I only have money for transportation and not buying additional food and supplies for them. They have money, but they don't use it in the manner it should be used. Some of them don't buy soap powder, dish detergent and other necessities. I had one lady send me to the McDonalds that was far away. Then she wanted me to walk to the Starbucks to get expensive coffee. Everytime she had a whim for something, I was required to go out in 90 degree heat to get her stuff. Of course she didn't provide any money for the things she needed.
We love our seniors, but with their constant complaining and putdowns, this can get old really fast. Some people have a knack for caretaking, but I've picked up on hidden resentment stemming from catering to the constant needs of these individuals.
Take care of yourself first.
Same.
Stay professional. Stay on message. Stay strong 💪💪
Simple.
The best thing to do is pick up and leave when she is nasty....or give her three strikes and then you leave. Say upfront...Mom if you are going to be nasty I am leaving. First comment say Strike 1. When she gets to strike 3 leave. Doesn't matter if you didn't get to what you needed to do, she has to live with the consequences of her actions.
Keep info on your life confidential. She does not get to schedule your time. Cut down on the amount of facetime you have. Me personally, although I am sure others would disagree, would match insult for insult. Sometimes others don't see what they say as being mean until it is directed back at them.
I was the scapegoat for my mother, she lived in NC, me in Florida. I refused to stay with her, stayed in a motel, so I could escape. If it got too bad I would just leave and head back home.
She is now in AL here in Florida, I do not visit her, my brother, the golden one does. I participate behind the scenes.
Works for me.
What is fundamentally wrong with so many people that they are willing to allow a person to tear them apart emotionally just because they are referred to as mom or dad?
There is no special reward from the universe if you take care of an abusive old wench until they finally die. Likewise there is no punishment if you wash your hands of them. Except the only punishment and guilt you allow to rent space to in your own head.
Please for your own sanity and health just stop. Walk away or if you must tell that miserable old b**** to stop with the criticisms and insults or you are done. And then be done.
”SHE DIDN’T RAISE YOU…….”??????? “Aren’t WEALTHY LIKE MY FRIEND’S CHILDREN ARE….”???????
Her FRIEND’S CHILDREN haven’t been CHILDREN since 45 or so YEARS AGO.
You are an ADULT who has RETIRED from the work force. Your aren’t her kindergartener or her punching bag or her misery target.
You MUST give yourself permission to divorce your ears from her comments IF you decide you want to continue to monitor her welfare in ANY WAY.
Overnight visits that cause you possibly permanent bodily harm? Read that question two or three times and then decide why you’ve chosen (yes, CHOSEN) to do that TO YOURSELF.
Then decide that what you’re doing NOW is dangerous to you and MINIMAL IF ANY BENEFIT TO YOUR MOTHER.
Do you drive to visit her? If so, leave the motor (safely) running the next time you go, and head for your car THE MINUTE the tirade starts. No tears no answer no listening no to ANYTHING that is distressing TO YOU.
Believe this or not, BETTER FOR YOU BOTH!!!
Tell her anything, but stop showing up.
If she physically beat you would you continue to visit?
She is mentally beating you. Just because you do not have a bloody nose and a black eye does not mean the abuse is any less damaging.
STOP going to see her.
Why continue to put your physical and mental/emotional health in jeopardy?
And when it comes to a parent you are "always a kid"
Write her a letter explaining why you won't be visiting her anymore. From what you've said here it sounds like she wouldn't be able to have a conversation with you about it. She would make it all about her and you're being over-sensitive. Just stop seeing her.
Yes, she's your mother but why do you have to suffer? The two of you don't have a good relationship so why bother with each other? If someone has to retire to their bed sedated after spending time with a person, that someone should end that relationship.
Would you stay in a marriage or romantic relationship if your partner had this effect on you? Would you tolerate a supervisor or a boss on your job behaving abusively to the point where you have to take drugs and retire to your bed every time you come home from work?
No. You wouldn't continue in the relationship and would either report on your boss or supervisor for harassment and creating a hostile work environment. You may ever quit such a job and find other employment. Why tolerate it from your mother? She will probably not be able to change at her age. Stop seeing her. Talk on the phone. If she starts with the snide comments, you can hang up on her. Try restricting your visiting to phone calls only for and see how they go. Good luck.
From your profile, it indicates that your Mom is not even 70 yet. She's practically a teenager and this could easily go on for 20 more years if it doesn't kill you first. Has she always been this way (probably has) and why do you need to visit her? How far apart do you live? Are you her DPoA, medical proxy, executor - even if you are, you can perform all the attached duties from afar. If she needs help in the house with cleaning or caregiving, she can hire it. Food shopping... covid taught us how to that online. Doctor appt's... well, if I'm not signed on to your HIPPA statement, you don't need me to drive you there... see if her town has free senior transport or do telehealth visits. My point is ... if she needs help, you can direct and coordinate from a distance.
If you are feeling guilty about not being close and providing "care" for your mother, please drop it. She is not providing an environment in which you can be close. Grief about a bad relationship? Yes that is normal but it can be managed without your being stomped on. If necessary seek counseling if either of these things bother you but stay away from Mother. Don't give her your schedule (always busy), don't tell her if you have retired (loved one person's post indicating your should tell you have moved to Mongolia...."no phones there Mom and you'll need to write in Chinese to send me a letter," ), if she is rude on the phone "gotta go home, my date is here (that will drive her nuts!!)" hang up and don't answer anymore phone calls for the rest of the week (she might try using someone else's phone so let them all go to voice mail -- you can call the "real" people back). You probably won't be able to retrain her at this stage of her life but your sure can retrain yourself. The best years are ahead of you.... trust me on that one!!
Good Luck and love yourself first!!
Mom is being critical? "Mom, it looks like you're in a pretty bad mood right now. I'll come back when you're feeling a little better."
Do not spend the night there. Even if it's a long drive both ways. You can always call to check on her. No need to consistently visit. Why not just call her instead of visiting?
You're not helping your mother by visiting. It seems just your presence is enough to turn her into a raging, angry shrew. That is of no benefit to her, aside from her enjoyment of putting you down. You can't make her happy. She doesn't want to be happy.
I'm responding to your comment lower on the thread.
How is anyone here bullying the OP?
The question was, 'How to deal with a critical, narcissistic 90-year-old who expects me to devote my life to her now that I'm retired?'
This question was answered. The OP posted it and then went on to say that spending any time with her mother is such a detriment to her mental and physical health that she ends up in bedridden in tears with explosive diarrhea and has to be sedated with xanax.
You think it's bullying to tell a person what is the most common sense of answers which is stop seeing the person that causes all this pain and suffering.
That's not bullying. Sometimes adults need to be told plainly so they will go and help themselves.
"You're a grown up. Ashamed that you still behave like a kid"
was a bit harsh.
When it comes to caring for or even being around our parents is seems like a lot of grown ups are put back into the "kid" mentality.
And it seems like the abuse that is being thrust upon "hellonearth" is more than anyone should take.
In my head, out of respect for my dad, I would say, "I may be fat but, you, you're ugly, at least I can diet." Made me feel better and not let her venom enter my blood stream.
I do have to say that my aunts kids were all supersize, like my 600# life and I was about 20 pounds heavier then I was happy with but, they never got body shamed, ever. I knew that it was her problem and not mine. Same thing with your mom, this venomous talk is her problem not yours, don't own it or even listen.
It is okay to tell your mom that her words are not going to be tolerated and she plays nice or you won't be playing with her. Just because she birthed you doesn't mean she gets to abuse you. You matter!
My husband observed that, after she’d trash me and I’d walk away, she’d often be confused, politely asking him if I wasn’t well, etc, as I’d left in a hurry. He’d explain that what she’d said was nasty, so I’d left. She seemed genuinely clueless. After all, it made perfect sense, logically, for her to demand that I leave him and our young kids and move in with her. I am the one to fulfill all her needs. Duh!
Then she started trying to kill herself to get her way.
My point? I will never know when she crossed that line from rational narc to dementia. I phoned EMS during her last suicide attempt, and my mother (who showtimed so well had everyone questioning my warning that she had dementia) was unable to state her address, date of birth, etc. She was that far along.
I don’t know how often you visit, but consider skipping a visit or several and grey rocking her. Observe during your next visit. Did she manage? Does she reign in her temper? It might give you a better picture of whether she’s an evil shrew or oblivious due to her broken brain.
Incidentally my IBS and BP are much better since my mother went into care and her dementia advanced to late-mid stage. She doesn’t consistently recognize me which takes some pressure off. Good luck!