My father has recently been diagnosed with dementia. My brother and I both live out of state and dad is still living on his own with visiting nurses and aides coming in on a regular basis. His DPOA has been activated and I have been handling his finances for the past 9 months. Now he has it in his mind he can handle things himself. This is the latest thing he is dwelling on and he won't talk with me about anything else. When I try reminding him of the conversation he had with his attorney, that it was best for me to handle everything for him, he gets angry and says we are plotting against him and he was never a part of that conversation. On our phone call yesterday he demanded I send all his things back to him and he is expecting it to happen immediately. What adds to the issue is, dad has shut my brother out of his life and will have nothing to do with him, so I can't get the help from my brother to try talking with dad.
I am planning a trip to go see dad in the next couple of weeks and know this trip will not end up well if I don't do as he wishes.
If there’s nothing like a serious scammer moving in on him, a good reason to give him for you doing the paperwork is that it’s getting more complicated every year, and the phone scammers are getting so good, that a lot of older people are getting themselves in difficulties.
Does he have cash in his pocket still? Work out a way for that to happen. A lot of older people still think in terms of cash and a wallet, and feel that they have no control of their lives without it. Even if it’s in effect an ‘allowance’, find a way to give him a limited amount of cash to spend. Good luck, Margaret
So sorry. I do not know how to deal with it. I don’t have experience with a parent with dementia.
Others with this issue will help. Stick around.
Consider trying an new tactic. Dad doesn't see his finances, so he worries about them. Bring copies of old bank statements and show him that all his bills are being paid. Show him how his money is being used. Tell him that "he set this up to streamline his finances long ago" (the streamlining was to let you take care of it, but he doesn't need that detail). Make sure none of the statements have his account numbers or contact information on them. Afterwards when he brings up his finances, "remind" him that you went over those details and that his money is safe.
Another thing that worked: Together, make a big list. Bills that need to be paid, repairs that need to be made, whatever. He dictates, you listen and write it down. With my mother, that occupied her for about 20 minutes until she ran out of steam to think about complex ideas, but then she had the list to look at later, as if she had accomplished something.
It sounds like he's quite isolated. Aides don't necessarily provide companionship or activities. Can someone come to engage him in activities that feel challenging and important? Organizing the toolshed? Learning a new device like a tablet or phone wristwatch?
Maybe just showing him some balance statements would reassure him. My mother was unable to use the bank's phone system, and she did not go online, so she had no way to understand how much was in her account on a daily basis---so she went to the bank branch several times a week to find out!
You might also explain that once this is done it is impossible to go back because of files that say you HAD to take over management for him. Money worries plague us all our lives, often enough; no surprise they should hit us end of life also.
Anyone else have a better solution? It's hard to be "done", isn't it, for fixers like some of us.
You have been through the mill. No one would argue about that.
You have a heart of gold! Take care of yourself too. You’re doing all that can be expected of you.
What you could do is create a very simplified system for him to pay his bills; if you have Excel, create a spreadsheet with receipt and due dates, amounts, and dates paid, and perhaps confirmation data. Make it clear you accept his decision, and are trying to offer some help to keep track of what can be challenging even for people w/o dementia.
Help him fill out the first sheet, make a copy for yourself so you can ask, not remind him, when bills are due. If he becomes frustrated, redirect and go for a walk, listen to music, go out to lunch - and bring back a good mood.
You can also volunteer to conference call when he pays bills (if he does so by phone) so that you can help him understand everything, especially confirmation numbers.
Be his "employee", then his partner, and work with him. He's going to do this anyway, so helping him is just part of being a daughter/son and preparing yourself for when he is ready to take over. That would complement and respect him more than telling him he shouldn't be managing his own finances. And that's an observation, not a criticism. These are learning experiences for all of us.
Good luck. And please feel free to offer criticism if I'm way off, but I really do think that a different approach would make him feel more worthy and relax his attitude.
(I really feel strongly about finding ways to work with someone and help maintain his/her self esteem than to rely on legal documents to take over. Everyone needs self respect; denying someone that does nothing to help either one of you.
He may have some level of recognition that he's losing his analytical and or abilities, so I would focus on reinforcing him that he's still a valid, contributing member of society, and your loving parent, and establish that before moving on again to the financial issues. He'll trust you more if he doesn't think you're against him.
This is what I did when my father expressed some concerns. I asked how I could help; we sat down and discussed options, and he felt he was being helped, not displaced. If he seemed to get stressed, we hit the road and went to the Dairy Queen, a favorite of both of us.
That didn't work for his projects though! He knew more about carpentry than I ever could comprehend, so I asked him for advice, which made him feel worthwhile. And I learned along the way.
Whatever you do, though, don’t give in to him. You’ve activated Power of Attorney because he’s unable to do these things himself. He’ll make an awful mess of things if he tries to pay the bills again.
Show him a couple of monthly statements so he can see how each account has been faithfully paid. And that’s only if you can’t get him off the topic.
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