Found a beautiful, small, close to us place. The second time I have put myself out there contacting and researching after she has melt downs saying she doesn’t want to be in her place anymore, doesn’t want to be alone, can’t do it, etc. We went so far as to set up a tea party at the place so she could meet staff and residents. She has dug her heels in again with excuses of not moving. Her primary refused to diagnose dementia a year ago. She had refused to go to scheduled appointments, she is not bathing regularly, washing her bedding is a whole other issue. She lives in the past basically rewriting history but can’t remember if she had lunch. She is getting more demanding that we bring her takeout food multiple times a week, which is fine because she shouldn’t be trying to cook, it’s just the demanding part. We are both working and are 69 and 72 years of age. Finally empty nesters and the only family she has close by. She has spent a lifetime verbally abusing her daughter who finally just walked away and spent a lifetime never acknowledging or being part of her 9 granddaughters lives and doesn’t even know her great grandchildren even though we have all lived close by. Living with us is not an option. Part of me wants to help for my husband’s sake the other part of me says she made her bed. She is 97.
My Mom, around the same age as yours, refused to downsize which was my Dad's plan. Mom had a serious fall, went into the hospital, then into a nursing home. My Dad decided to sell the house and he moved into Independent Living at a senior complex. At least Dad had a choice where he wanted to move. He loved the place especially being around people of his generation, and he enjoyed the food.
One thing I had notice with my parents, they still viewed me as a 25 year old who had a lot of energy, instead of someone who was also a senior citizen who's energy ship had drifted away.
It may be time to check in with doctor and come to the conclusion by his letters she cannot safely care for herself at home, that you are free to act for her in placement.
I am afraid that you are going to have to make this a "you will be moving to ______________on (date). We will be to visit you. We think you will like it there, and we will take that a step at a time. We need to be free now to travel and do things in this very valuable and hard-worked-for time that we have, which amounts to one of two decades in which we can do this. I hope you will agree, but the fact is that we have a right to have this time now. We will continue to love you and do our very best for you, but we are humans with limitations and with needs as well".
There often isn't a way to make it magical. Life changes on a dime when reality kicks in. I sure do wish you good luck. You have tried this the "lovely gentle" way. That hasn't worked. It often doesn't. I hope you will update us.
Finally, she had a slight stroke, we put our foot down, swooped her up, emptied her house & sold it.
She is here 97 and loving her life, safe, nice apartment, friends, activities and she does not have to do anything.
Now she says "I wish I had done this 10 years ago"! Go figure!
Sometimes we need to back off, stop doing what they no longer can do, and be patient. Sometimes we aid them to stay in a unsafe environment.